Change is a word that is defined by the desire for things to be different through progress but what’s not there is the particular that we wish for it to occur while we are in a place of comfortableness even though we know that by remaining there, we will continue to find what we already have regardless of the hope that we wont. Is it the fear of the unknown that makes stepping towards development so difficult or is it our trust of what is familiar that encourages us to believe that it is safer to stay where we are and wait for blooming to locate us? Or is it that what that term actually holds is not the desire to go forward but instead to go back to a simpler time where what has been done felt like it was enough? Or perhaps it’s that transformation has already occurred, one that has created doubt and fear, so we now need the return of what we had confidence in in order to actually believe that change, the one we want, is possible? In other words, we want to advance without having to consider that change is actually a series of movements in the weeds where the pain can eventually evolve into what moves us forward and that flowers are not the proof of having never fallen but are merely the reminders to trust in our abilities to go through in our matter of time. When I look both ways at what I was thinking and feeling during Ryan’s substance use, I can see that I actually feared him changing unless it was going to be into what I wanted. Memories are a funny thing and they were a part of my pressuring Ryan to ignore or get over what he was feeling and while it definitely seemed reasonable at that time, it only worsened an already hell situation. During his sober time we talked about my inability to lean in to hear him and he reminded me that I was behaving as best as I could under the circumstances. Please go back and read that line again and feel his forgiveness for me. A superpower in his process of change but still not strong enough to prevent my falls from the pain in my steps. At no point during his substance use did I perceive that his “flipping out” was the illumination of his pain and yet he was able to recognize my hurt; and not just in the things that he was a part of. He was far more understanding and forgiving of me as well as others than we had been of him but then that was where he was at in his transformation. It wasn’t until Ryan died that I really understood how our feelings of safety are effected when others only want to show up for the parts that they want or wish to have someone just go back and be who he or she was before pain implemented dreaded change. The constraint of those desires on me today has felt as if I can’t be all that I am, not accepted as a whole and only wanted when I am fun and fabulous or at least appear to be, which has in turn only increased the volume of my pain. If I could go back, if I could pass that specific way again, I would open the door to the messes and sit down in order to better understand him and myself but then it’s hard to view that until we are ready to bloom which is never when we are in the midst of it. Change, then, is not just the act of stopping a behavior or being in comfort or only for others nor defined by time. It is the painful process of discovering how love, trust and fear evolve along all of our journeys while we are together and not together; falling and rising in any given moment. It’s knowing that regret, grief and forgiveness as well as saying “I am sorry” are not just for others but are a part of the process of showing up for ourselves. It’s being scared while also perceiving that courage is waiting right there too for the moment when we are ready to breathe and look both ways. Mostly, though, it’s recognizing that change is often not easily seen, done or felt despite what we believe, at least not for awhile, and that it can also happen in a split second or over a lifetime or fail and it can even be delayed by the very things that we hope will help advance it as well as be exactly what we don’t want. Change, after all, is more than than the view of forward progress because it also has the ability to be a facilitator of doubt and fear as well as impossibilities. Rarely, if ever, do we feel safe and loved in the process of it and those things are a part of the why we desire to go back. When thinking of you, do you feel any of that? Oh hell, memories are a funny thing and if I am being straight with myself, I still hate some of the parts that had to be in order to move us forward but I am also thankful for the tough lessons and especially for Ryan. Every dream matters whether here or not as being an essential part of change and we shouldn’t go back because of and for them as well as ourselves. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
Each dreaded “f” moment has a life of it’s own and the experience of feeling our way through their darkness seems impossible not just because of those messy episodes but also from our stories becoming something other than what we thought would be. Our imagination will twist and turn through each event as it envisions what should have been while our hearts will feel any resulting doubt, pain and fear as a confirmation of our failure or someone else’s for that matter. One of the particulars that kept me repeating cycles with Ryan were my recollections of who he had been as well as who I envisioned he would be. There was real truth in those thoughts but they were also a limited field of view made up of my facts and opinions that left out not just some of the details that he held but also the consideration of their impact within him. Those types of perceptions provide us with a desired comfortableness as well as a some sense of security but when things don’t go as planned, because that’s life, those ideas keep us walking in circles. In other words, it is far easier for us to continually look back at what we wanted then it is to adjust and look both ways in order to find the possibilities of today that are hidden in what has now become a part of the journey. As Ryan and I passed that way again and again during his years of substance use, I repeated the same exact limiting thought with every step, that this time he would perceive of what I saw and do as I say, despite “the again” actually being the illumination of what still needed to be seen and heard. Obviously my reminiscing of him was the hope that my view would remind him of who I believed he was but in a different truth it wasn’t the acceptance of the all of him that was before me and being in that safe place of mine was helping to prevent us from finding the uncomfortable position of understanding where change actually begins. Memories are a funny thing because they can require boxes of tissues as they make us laugh until our stomachs hurt but they also have the strength to immobilize us by limiting our view or by creating doubt about ourselves and others or anything that we thought we had safely perceived of. After all, trust, fondness, kindness and showing up are easy to believe in when looking at flowers but in the darkness their actual strengths and possibilities can only be found in the place that no one aspires to be in; also known as the weeds. This is me and I am a “f” moment maker. My memories are a funny thing because there are times when I thought I was being fabulous but the opinion or perhaps even the fact was that I was bringing hell but if I look both ways, I am also a sometime warrior who just happens to fall down along the way. When that happens I have learned to sit with myself and to lean in to hear and feel what needs to be so that I can eventually get up. It’s good to be home in the place that needs me most because the particulars of safety and love begin with my showing up for and accepting all of me especially in my dreaded “f” moments. Can you imagine, then, how Ryan’s substance use helped me to see that I needed that for myself? Or how the memory of my trying to hand Ryan his value when my own wasn’t clear has the ability to make me laugh today even though it held grief in the yesterdays? Oh hell, it’s easy to think that addiction is about just one thing or even just the addict when it is really defined by so many details that are often unseen like memories and those personal emotional definitions as well as fear and pain illuminated in different types of “flipping out” or even by what we believe safety and love mean. So when thinking of you, are your memories a funny thing too? Is it possible for you to laugh, at least every so often, at what use to hurt because you are all right with all of you? Have the best day possible for you and as you pass this way again, do so with the knowledge that falls are the place that superpowers are illuminated and you have to look both ways to see them but if today just isn’t the day, then perhaps you can safely view them in the next go round. Love Always, Heavell
The light, which is a part of the creation of things such as flowers, also has the ability to fade or to weather all sorts of items whereas darkness isn’t just the absence of light but also holds the particularly effective feature of illuminating what we need to take a look at again and again. It’s all of the details, rather than just one or two descriptions, that help us to look both ways especially when we are trying to solve something. We can, for instance, feel that someone is beautiful while at the same time that individual can believe that our opinion is not the correct view of his or her self. We can recognize the fabulous parts of a person while his or her perception is only of the failures or the things that make him or her impossible. We can also believe that a person is solely a reflection of his or her “f” moments and that individual may accept that opinion as a fact as well or in a different truth that someone may desperately want to be seen for being so much more but the outside isn’t able to value anything other than weeds. Because the possibilities of definitions can go in so many directions, understanding and believing in our encounters is an important part of being able to go through this so very heavell life. “Flipping out” is also one of the phrases that changes direction depending upon the who and the why. It is the very loud voice of pain expressing itself through extreme anger or even fear in undesirable ways. We decide the worth of that suffering and then the resulting reactions to it with the belief that some details make that act of losing control defendable while in a different story they do not. In other words, I was allowed to behave in that manner because Ryan was using substances but he wasn’t because it was wrong to use stuff regardless of the why. While it was the real truth that he shouldn’t have used those things to cope, that limited view or focusing in on that specific detail kept me from seeing that it was still a way of “flipping out” in any kind of life. There are a variety of reasons for why we lose control on our journeys and whether we agree or not in doing so, that behavior is the illumination of pain that needs help in order to transform. When I turn around and look at the yesterdays, I can see that I broke down a lot, hello pain, while being on my ride and it wasn’t just because of Ryan. So if I did why not Ryan as well even though his particular expression wasn’t desirable? His weeds as well as the worth of them had to be acknowledged and they were going to be seen in whatever manner that they could whether we wanted it or not. What he needed all along was for me to lean in to hear what he had to say but, as an illusion of perfection at that time, closing the door to the chaos was far more appealing and easier for me then the act of pulling weeds and not doing so was an accepted practice. But the fact is that it is impossible to actually assist someone in helping his or her self when we continue to repeat a behavior while telling that individual that he or she must stop losing control in his or her way without actually turning around ourselves and jumping into the weeds to go through as well. So is it possible to see the conflict in my saying stop “coping that way” because it’s not in your best interest while also implying that Ryan had failed by losing control in the first place but then also pointing out his flowers which should have prevented his fall but didn’t so he must be what the darkness said while being that perfectly justified person who wasn’t dealing either? That was a cycle of intermittent “f” words and moments provided from the outside and the inside that kept feeding the hell as we each “flipped out” together and not together while trying to get off the ride. When I pass this way again and again, because it’s always going to be with me as a part of who I am, I sometimes stop and wonder if he would still be here if I had showed up for my weeds long before his substance use began or if I had quickly jumped into the darkness despite not wanting to or believing that I needed too once he had begun. If I stay in that particular place for too long, though, pain will take hold of me through regret and grief and I will fall not unlike I already have in the yesterdays or even as Ryan did over the course of his “flipping out” and sobriety. What I do know is that I can’t undo what has already been done no matter what I wish for, because sometimes hope is impossible, so I have to take it all with me and keep working through the messes in order to transform them as well as me. The detail of the use of substances as a reflection of losing control is substantial or the thoughts about choice versus not an option have their position in this or the what and the who we enable holds a piece too but most of all it’s a series of movements in the pain that carries the weight of the world rather than any particular feature that has the ability to effect and limit our view. So pass this way again but this time in the terms of your offer, be safe in your fondness for yourself especially in the darkness as the pain illuminates what can still become a strength. After all, flowers become weathered when always in the light but understanding found in the weeds is a superpower that will always eventually get you through. Oh hell you know that you will pass this way again so you might as well decide to do it loudly with kindness and lots of tissues. Have the best day possible for you, don’t forget to laugh every so often until your stomach hurts and when thinking of you, look both ways. Every dream matters whether here or not. Thank you. Love Always, Heavell
One of the ways that we feel trust is through the confidence that we have in people, places, things or even ourselves and the consistent or familiar manner in which that presence shows up. However, while confidence is considered to be a desired item, it can be misleading because of what is familiar to us and it can also transform into something that is no longer in our best interest or never ever really was without our even realizing it. Because we are powered by every note, it would seem simple enough to recognize how the flowers as well as the weeds play a role in our lives but it really isn’t that easy because of the security that we believe can only be found in what is wanted while also finding safety in the comfortableness of what we don’t want. Being comfortable is, after all, another particular in how we define having trust but it is just one of many terms that we need to look at both ways in order to understand how they effect our ability to have fondness and well-being within ourselves. When Ryan was young, I had confidence that the words that I used in regards to why he should never ever use substances would be enough to prevent that from happening. I even felt safe in the belief that all of my terms would speak to him as they should but what I didn’t recognize was that he held experiences and feelings that were adding to who he was that I wasn’t even aware of. When Ryan ingested that very first substance, he had confidence that he was stronger than anything that he used. In fact he told me that he wanted to prove to his father, an active addict at that time, that it was possible to enter the hell of substance use and then turn around and walk out in any given moment if one really wanted too. He felt he would be able to save his father by leading the way out and I understood that belief through my desire to rescue him by handing him his value but as with everything there are far more particulars, often hidden, that play a role that must be ascertained in order for change to even begin. What I knew back then was that my phrases worked when he was young and that comfortableness helped me to be consistent but with that hell showing up I should have recognized that things were definitely not what I viewed. I was, of course, repeating my familiar and while we both trusted it’s existence, it was who I was, in there he felt unheard and that his feelings were either wrong or did not matter. That wasn’t my intent but the results was the facilitation of the devaluing of him and as I continued behaving in my comfortable manner, the more I reinforced that now trusted thought in him while still steadily trying to hand him his flowers. But just as I had hoped he would evolve from his weeds, I also had to perceive that I needed to stop having confidence in the same manner that had already proven that it was no longer in either of our best interests. An unseen detail of change as well as trust, then, is recognizing that as we each add to ourselves through our moments, it isn’t about being in a place of comfortableness or what we want but rather in eventually finding our way through, adjusting, as the things that worked become what doesn’t and discovering the understanding for that as we go along our trails. Neither Ryan nor I adjusted as we should have because familiar always seems safer but in a different truth weeds don’t always remain as weeds, flowers can lose their beauty and rides in hell can become superpowers as well as the creators of sometime warriors. It takes being uncomfortable not comfortable in order to recognize that but who would ever want to feel that way? When thinking of you, what do you find safety in? Are those things in your best interest or is it time to turn around and look both ways? When thinking of you and the terms of an offer that you have for yourself, does it include fondness for yourself especially when you are lost in the weeds? Have you defined what love means as it pertains to yourself or are you still seeking that answer on the outside of yourself? Today is the kind of day to be loud in all that you are but also to lean in to hear because sometimes the steadiness of others isn’t meant to devalue but rather is the results of what use to work in the yesterdays fearing becoming uncomfortable in order to change. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
Our hopes hold our overall wants yet often fail to contain the particulars of what those things clearly mean or even what it will take for us to have them. In part, not being specific can allow for adjustments to be made as needed along the way but in a different direction, the lack of those details could prevent those items from becoming what we desire leaving us wondering why. If one of our intentions is the wish for fondness then our capacity to have it or not for ourselves is an important feature, a definer, in what we seek on the outside of ourselves. If trust is the intent then our belief in showing up for ourselves or not will also be expressed in the what or the who we look to find security in. But what if an important detail of ours that effects those desires is one that we hide or deny even though it literally can be found in everyone in any kind of life? Have you thought about the term fear and how it guides your beliefs as well as your series of movements? Do you feel that emotion or is it expressed in a “not in your best interest” form like anger or perhaps addiction? At times our distress is so strong that it makes sense for us to avoid what’s there but isn’t one of the aspects of trust and love based in remembering to believe in the moments where we are scared because why would we need to do that when things are easy? Fear is an emotion that has held my hand for far too long over the years and while it has seemed as if courage was no where near me, it was actually there quietly holding my other hand. Ryan was scared too before he began his substance use, while in that particular place and at times afterwards in the last couple of years of his life. Being afraid is such an uncomfortable and vulnerable position that it’s far easier to close doors or to flip out and as Ryan got louder with his so did I. In fact it got to where we could trust that that’s exactly how we would show up and yet I think we both had the hope that the other would stop but once we were living that ride neither of us seemed able to get off of it. It is also simpler to justify not changing because others aren’t but at some point someone has to choose to do this differently and take the first step to lead the way. Someone has to be unguarded enough to admit to falls in words and behaviors as well as being scared, right? Then there is the green truth that courage is loud and powerful so anger must be our being brave, showing up, but the real truth is it’s just the loud voice of fear speaking too. If I could turn around and undo what has been done in the yesterdays, one of the things that I would change is how I was comfortable with all the ways in which fear lived in and around me. In other words, I trusted the familiarity of it despite being aware of feeling unsafe in the mess of it. Ryan had belief in the substances he used and while we could say with certainty that it was the tricks of the drugs that led him to believe as he did, it wasn’t in his best interest to deny the role that fear, also known as pain and anger, played as well. Nor was it helpful how we both felt distressed in letting go of the safety of how we were being even though we hated it living in us. So, in a different truth, trust is not always a word that is in our best interest specifically if the feature of love for ourselves isn’t a part of our process in discovering it. There’s grief and regret in the knowledge of the time it takes for us to look both ways but then it’s never easy to view all that we should when we are in the midst of chaos and love seems to be lost. If we do look both ways, though, it is possible to perceive that even when we are behaving in ways that are not in our best interest, like addiction or anger, we are attempting to hold courage closer than we do fear. Those are the moments, no matter the time it takes, before we step towards the possibilities of trusting and loving ourselves especially when in the weeds. This is me and while you may not see it in me, I am still afraid at times but I am all right. When that voice speaks too loudly, I look both ways and remind myself that I am on a trail that holds the beauty of flowers, dreaded “f” moments and boxes of tissues as well as a sometime warrior who falls down but eventually gets up. Look both ways at how fear and courage work together and not together to help you as well as how “I am sorry” can also be a “thank you” when we lean in to hear the views of others. Look both ways at how lost and found are the particulars of falls and getting up that facilitate our hope for change as well as how trust lives in the things that we hate but the feature of fondness can bring being safe home to the place that needs us most where it belongs. Look both ways at the terms of your offer and the details that define them in your so very heavell life. Are they in your best interest and do they help you to show up for you or is it time to turn around? Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
One of our wants is to feel safe or free from pain and it is not unreasonable to wish for that experience especially when it has the appearance of being the best way to never have to pick weeds again or to feel the things that hurt or climb difficult trails. However, as with the terms of any offer, there is a guarantee that there will always be both moments that we love and ones that we don’t in any kind of life. It’s what we breathe in from those things that determines how long we stay on the rollercoaster that leads to the repeating of the yesterdays or if we step off of our journeys’ in order to just smell our flowers. An important detail of our being secure is found in what the term trust holds for us but what happens when our inability to find safety in people, places and things leads to doubt in our beliefs especially about ourselves? Is that because we are impossible or is it possible that we have been looking in all the wrong places? Or how about whether or not we have fondness for ourselves and the role that it plays in our feeling free from pain? If we don’t carry love for ourselves in all of our moments, then can we ever really trust our safety? And if just those few designations are not clearly defined on the inside where they live in us, then how can we know we are safe with others when their terms of an offer and the value of them might differ from what we actually desire? So if our wish is really to be secure, and not just the hope of an easy life, how can we define being well for ourselves so that showing up in all the ways that we will encounter a so very heavell life will be far more important to us than the quantity of flowers or weeds that we hold or the fact and the opinion that someone else’s definition of beauty doesn’t look like us? During Ryan’s substance use, he felt more secure in the chaos of being lost in that particular hell than he had ever been in the disarray that lived within him and around him. Was that feeling and thought the results of the power of substances, the hiding of his pain, being a mess within a mess of his choosing, a failure to define clearly what being secure felt like, a lack of belief, too many weeds in his life or a combination of all of those things and more? The simplest thing to do would be to pick one, especially the first one, to blame but the real truth is that each and every one of those items is strong enough, separately, to cause falls again and again and together they make a life feel impossible to go through. Why is that? Every small and big thing that we experience in our lives, our behaviors and those of others, accumulates within us. Those particulars, whose values have been determined in the place that needs each of us most, bring fondness, confusion, strength, weakness, laughter that makes our stomachs hurt, tears and pain as it fills in our definitions of not only our words but also our perception of how life is. In other words we are powered by every note that are the results of what we have come up against and yet we often doubt our belief of that personal knowledge because others tell us their view is the only one to see. I am guilty of being that individual and by doing so I, in part, helped Ryan onto that rollercoaster ride with a sense of security, a green truth, that he would only experience it as I said. In the last year and a half of his life he expressed on a daily basis that he was sorry that he had lost his way on the trail, had not heard me sooner and thank you for not having given up on my belief in him. Every time he did that I felt grief because I, again in part, was the one who hadn’t heard him before that loud voice of his pain screamed through his substance use and I had not perceived that an important piece of feeling safe with others and ultimately within ourselves is found in the ability to stand together despite our differing views and feelings as a facilitator of well being i each of us. It’s difficult, though, to recognize that when we ourselves are also searching in the wrong places for the very things that live on the inside. As you go through life powered by every note, be loud in defining what safe, trust, fondness, beauty or whatever means to you and believe in your knowledge of those things. They are what make you the only you and while they will cause you to fall at times, they are also the series of movements that will get you through on any journey. It is all right not to be all right with every note that powers you but if you lean in to hear what you have to say, make sure you keep fondness for yourself as close as you do what hurts because your feeling safe or not is powered by what you believe about you so get comfortable with seeing all of you. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
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