You know those familiar thoughts where you give value to the idea that if only you hadn’t stepped where you have or if somehow things had gone a different way, you wouldn’t be in the place that you are now and you wouldn’t be who you have become? Well, it’s time to take a breather from those kinds of views because as much as we like to focus on the beliefs that we should have or could have done this in some other manner that just might have positioned us in a field of flowers, there is much to be said about sitting down with ourselves while noticing all that exists and is possible as the results of what has been done. Any weed can still become a flower if it helps you to move your knowledge of what fondness, safety and forgiveness has meant to the ones that help you to show up for you today. In other words, be kind to the person that you are actually living your life with since your particular beauty needs more time to be understood and to bloom. What we feed will be what is strongest within us, keeping us in one place even when we change locations, until we use everything that we are, including our messes, to go through. After all, we may have fallen into the darkness in moments, but we are not failures because of those series of movements. Take a breather and have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
“We don’t live in the should haves or could haves, we live in the have dones” Taylor, M.A. L.A.C.
This so very heavell life can bring unexpected experiences into our lives that continue to cause our hearts to hurt or even cry, despite the passing of time and or the moving of locations. Those specific features of ours can have an isolating effect on us even when we are linked with others who have had similar encounters on their journeys’ or find ourselves in a room full of people. There are moments when we need to be able to say how we are feeling, to just be heard, until the ride of the pain eases and we can breathe again. At other times, we need to be given the replies that help us to not feel as if we are somehow failing ourselves and or others by experiencing our emotions as or when we do. The facts and the opinions are that in any given moment, someone somewhere is adding to what that person is already holding or plummeting into an unfamiliar darkness where pain as well as fear will take hold of his or her heart. We can absolutely feel that individual’s loss of breath through the memories of our own encounters even when our stories are completely different. We have all felt the familiarity of that hurt, and yet its’ presence is so uncomfortable and such an inconvenience that we are encouraged to deny that we have. The real truth about any kind of pain is that it doesn’t take a lot for it to become illuminated. It has the power to take the small things like a thought, a memory, a smell or even a moment that starts out with laughter that makes our stomachs hurt and fling open the door to what is hidden behind it. It can become very loud and angry when it finds agreement or even conflict with others and it can also immobilize us with its’ force because after all, it is always enfolding us in the most unwelcoming ways just like change does. It’s no wonder, then, that we would rather be amongst our flowers and to keep door closed but when we give a significant look to what can be found in the weeds, often hidden amongst them is the chance, the possibility, of the most beautiful flowers that just need the time and the belief to grow in the ways that only they can. Last week I was in the audience at a Walter Trout concert. He is a renowned blues legend with several album and song of the year awards as well as being an incredible guitarist. He is also a recovered addict who received a liver transplant in 2014 after cirrhosis of his liver from alcohol and substance use almost cost him his life. During his recovery from that donation, he suffered brain damage, was unable to recognize his own family for a period of time and had to relearn how to walk, talk and play his guitar again. Since that time, he has released an album, Battle Scars, based on his experiences and the traumas as well as the love of his wife, Marie. In 2021 he released the blues song of the year called All Out of tears, cowritten with his wife and blues artist Teeny Tucker. That song was created in honor of Teeny’s son who died and how the loss of him left her eyes with no more tears but her heart is still crying. As I listened to his music and his words during that show, I was reminded of Ryan’s addiction, the battles for his life, the traumas of those times and of course the loss of him that has left my heart still crying today even when it can’t be seen on the outside of me. Despite the differences in our stories, I imagined the places that all of them have been to and how difficult it is to breathe at those sites. From there, my thoughts turned towards the beauty of the flowers that come from the darkness in our lives when we move our views to see what else is in the weeds. Within the loss of life, for example, the opportunity exists for someone else to live through organ donation. Inside trauma and pain is the potential for the understanding and the recognition of how suffering effects not only us but others as well and how it can continue to breathe long after it has occurred or despite a change of location or as a force in our “flipping out”. Take a substantial look at what has been for you because while what’s there might hurt, but it also holds the possibility of creating the beauty that is meant to be yours; the kind that can’t be located in what’s easy. Then take a substantial look around you to see that you are never ever really alone but rather surrounded by others who, in their series of movements, are finding their way just as we each are as we go through on our own trails. Take the opportunity to listen to Walter Trout’s music, especially the song All Out of Tears. Words matter and his expressions may be the replies that help you to believe that it’s all right to not always be all right and that eventually you can change it but only in your matter of time. Have the best day possible for you by being kind and safe within you. Love Always, Heavell
The strength that is exerted upon us by our thoughts and feelings or even just the meaning of words can keep our view in a position that encourages us to believe that those things are in fact strong enough to hold us and prevent our movement. That particular force, another “f” word that is very persuading to us, is continually in motion and impacts where we comfortably set the things that we trust about ourselves especially those unsafe pieces. It’s as if the familiarity of what unwanted items such as falls and darkness have been valued as in one honesty is preventing us from realizing that in a different truth, those messes are the objects that are able to push us towards the safety and the fondness, also known as the change, that we need to find. Those very things that appear to define us in ways we hate are also the ones that when placed in a different position and viewed for all that they are, can open the door to what’s possible but a belief has kept us from realizing that we can move the location of whatever we need to. Imagine, if you will, a place in the light where only a certain type of flower grows and that field, in that moment, defines the meaning of beauty. Eventually, though, you notice another field that is shaded, and has a lot of weeds, where different kinds of flowers flourish too. You can see how those weeds help to fertilize the flowers, making them stronger, and that the shade allows them to develop in their matter of time. A loveliness lives there in the details of that location as well as in the place of a certain type of flower and both are a part of the force that moves beauty so that it is never limited to one thing nor excludes something just because it’s messy, different or requires more time and or work. Courage is another term where we have established that it only occurs in a particular kind and to have it, you can never be or never have been scared or weak and yet strength exists in many different forms that can be found in all the ways that we live any kind of life just as fear does. When we limit our views, for example, on what a word or an experience or a fall means, we ensure that we don’t have a chance at change because to transform a part, the whole has to show up and be willing to try something that might not work while perceiving that it is still an essential part of the force that is attempting to grow our fondness for ourselves and the belief in our possibilities. Could you sit down for a moment, then, and pick one term or moment and move it from where you, yourself, have been forcefully holding it and apply it here instead as a piece of your series of movements that is developing you over your matter of time? Or are you more comfortable with believing that if you keep it where it is, you will be safe enough and if so, is that what you really want or is it that you are afraid that your strength and courage, your power of how you apply what is yours to carry, will fail you? It took years for me to understand that Ryan’s addiction was the force that was pushing us to take each dreaded “f” moment and apply it here instead of keeping it where it could continue to feed the pain and impossibilities. I can still hear Ryan telling me to be “grateful for the lessons mom, especially the tough ones” and in the yesterdays that thought infuriated me because as a hold out on change, I didn’t want to or think I needed to and yet today I am so very thankful for our moments in the darkness that painfully opened doors to what really lives in the messes and how the place that we apply those items determines what continues to be. You can move whatever you need to in order to use it as what nourishes the beginning of new flowers or you can continue to apply it here, where it is now, trusting what’s comfortable and familiar even if you hate it. After all, the weight of the world, moments, words, thoughts and feelings are what matter in the place that needs us most and it takes courage and strength to keep it in the same position just as much as it does to change the understanding of them and to apply them differently. Be loud and be kind because it takes a lot of force to create the beauty that only you can and it will always be in the most unwelcoming, falling and doubt invoking ways. Have the best day possible for you and if you are scared just say so because if you move your view, you will see that it is the voice of courage even though it appears to be the one of weakness but of course that’s just another different but very real truth about the things that live and breathe in us and around us. Love Always, Heavell
When we are in the shade of our messes or those that belong to others, the uncertainty and the truth of what lives there can feed the hell of fear and pain, creating doubt about ourselves, and prevent the change that we hope for. In some of those moments we will try to keep our view on the favorable items that can be found around us, the flowers, while at other times we will hide the fact and the opinion that we are positive about being in the weeds and only pretending to be all right. Our attempts at having happy thoughts can help us hold on or encourage others too but in a different truth they can also leave the user feeling as if he or she is failing once again when what hurts is all that can be experienced in the midst of hell or if things don’t change despite those positive thoughts. In other words, finding good things in the darkness is an act of courage and strength but the application of bravery and power is actually strongest in our leaning in and breathing while saying that we are not or not always all right. How often do we really want the inconvenience of that real truth, though, when it feels so much better to be amongst the beauty of flowers? Take a moment and think about the times in which you didn’t feel heard. What details do you remember about those experiences? How did they feel within you back then and do you experience those same emotions today when you again feel disregarded? What, if anything, have you done to be home with those emotions even if no one else has perceived of you? Now turn around and think of the encounters where you didn’t want to hear what an individual had to say or to take the time to sit with a person that needed someone to show up for him or her. What response did you use to move away from what you didn’t desire? Did you choose to cope that way because it was an inconvenient moment, you were afraid of the darkness, you didn’t understand, you just didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have to or because of all of those things? How is what you have experienced similar as well as different from how others have encountered you? When I pass this way again, I can see that there were many moments in the yesterdays’ where I wanted Ryan to be himself as long as what that meant didn’t create problems or make me uncomfortable which was really the hidden and yet very loud message that it was better for him to be who I thought he should be rather than who he really was. That is to say that what I had wanted to be in the light was just his flowers, but transformation is about illuminating the things that we don’t want in the most inconvenient, doubt invoking and unwelcoming ways. Have you ever experienced others wanting you to be what they believe is suitable? How did that feel? In order to implement the change that we need, we have to feel safe with and have fondness for who we are, accepted in our distressing moments in the weeds, but that’s never easy to do when we are affecting others and they are influencing us. If you can imagine a place like this, then you can look around and see that change is always enfolding us while we are consistently trying to control how it occurs as well as who and what it entails because otherwise, we don’t actually want it regardless of what we say. If I could go back, I would choose to easily sit right down in those weeds with Ryan, with boxes of tissues, so that both he and I would have known that it was all right to not be fine in every moment of our journeys. I would also recognize that things like pain and fear or even doubt are really the series of movements that are leading us to discover just how possible we really are, but we have to move our field of view to find that. This is me, an “f” moment maker while also being a hold out against change until being positive about being in the weeds became a place to be home with in my so very heavell life. Take a look around at your moments and see that your application of courage and strength has you determined to believe that you don’t hold either and that they only live in the flowers when the real truths are that you do have those abilities and those things have never ever been needed nor found in the light. It’s good for you to be home in the place that needs you most so show up and sit with all that you are because it’s in that spot that you will find the particular definition of beauty that is meant to be created and held by only you. Be kind, be loud and be positive that weeds, darkness and dreaded “f” moments can feed your flowers just as much as they have been able to feed your hell. After all, you do have a way about you and so do your words. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
Our words matter as the expressions of the hidden details of how we each have come together and yet also enfolded within those particulars is often the desire to not have what can be found there, at least some of it, even though we wouldn’t be who we are without those very things. Perhaps we feel that way because the light, which seems to easily live elsewhere, appears to be more significant over there than what can be found in our own homes or maybe it’s that in order for things to become different from what already exists, we have to change and that is often a difficult and or painful process that isn’t easily applied. It is also possible, though, that our wish to be seen as a certain type of value has encouraged us to believe that if we have weeds, we are a failure even though those things are the perfect materials that, when applied with safety and fondness, create and nourish the beauty that we are each meant to develop because of them. When I pass this way again, I can see how my administration of the darkness, whether mine or others, supported walking in circles and kept my view on what seemed to be the lush fields that belonged to others. For Ryan, the manner in which he applied the weeds found on his trail meant that he believed in the significance of that darkness as a reflection of who he was and he carried that thought with him wherever he went and as the justification to lie down as well. If you can imagine either place, then you can understand that even if it seems as if we are going somewhere, our view will remain on the same things, seeking them out, and we will continue to find what we always have if the implementation of what we are carrying doesn’t transform as well. In other words, we have been going that way for so long that it is far easier to continue doing so in the safety of what we know then it is to find ourselves with the possibility of being lost and scared, unable to breathe, in an unfamiliar place where the weeds could keep us from ever getting out of them. You also have a way about you that is significant and it’s not that you don’t have courage or strength but rather that how you have been applying them is keeping you in your particular position with the belief that it is safer to be there or even that it is where you belong. Turn around because in a different truth, the things that you don’t want are the materials that help to build the specific beauty that you are meant to define. Be loud in who you are because there is no one better than you to show up to pick your weeds as well as smell your flowers, embracing both, on your journey. My word for this week is thankful because if it weren’t for both Ryan’s and my dreaded “f” moments, as well as those that belong to others along the way, I would still be in the same place believing that safe enough was all right, that the light never fades what lives in it, particularly in those other fields, and that the darkness couldn’t possibly be the illumination of the beginning of a new flower. Have the best day possible for you because you have a way about you but to see that you have to love you where you are while knowing that it is just the step before you apply the best materials needed to expand your field of view in order to go through. What word would you choose to express the most fondness for your sometime warrior who falls down, doesn’t appear to be brave and is still learning why terms and the application of what they hold matters? Oh hell, let’s grab some boxes of tissues for the moments where we cry and the ones that make us laugh until our stomachs hurt so that we can be easy on ourselves in the process of any kind of life because our rides and we ourselves will always enfold more than we wish for. Be kind to the person that you are living this life with. Love Always, Heavell
Words have multiple layers and because of that they can be confusing in how we understand and feel about them as well as what we listen to when others say what they need to say. When we think of the word move, we view it as the act of advancing towards the next destination or something better but just because we are shifting to somewhere else, focusing on going forward, it doesn’t mean that transformation lives there. In other words, the process of progress most often includes having to move back towards our weeds where the things that are staying close to us have been defined before we can understand and add on to those items in order to use them differently today. Move and change are interchangeable terms that at times are just a step on a trail but in other crucial moments the details of them enfold falling into the darkness as the painful experiences that expand our view of the things that makes us who we are whether alone, in a room full of people and or surrounded by messes. Have you ever had to transform a major part of yourself? If you did, how did it feel all the way through it? Was it effortless or multi-layered with falls backwards and steps forward? Has it remained or have you returned to what was familiar in the yesterdays because it feels so easy to do that? My first acknowledged experience with the need for change came through Ryan’s addiction but it wasn’t until I was aware that I had to move myself that the power of being safe enough became the understanding of my walking in circles for far too long. If you can imagine a place like that then you can see my movement forward while remaining the same and never actually getting anywhere. The fact and the opinion is that in the process of my transformation, it was impossible for me to advance without going back and perceiving of how I came to be in that particular place to begin with. My fear and pain had a way of being unwelcoming to real change by implying that the repeating of what was familiar was safer than finding myself in a destination where I would feel uncomfortable and lose the person that I have always known as myself. When I pass this way again I can see how Ryan felt the same way about moving away from what he had become close to. To move or to change does imply our leaving behind the things that we don’t want, in a sense to forget parts of ourselves and what we felt about them, but it’s not actually possible to do that because whatever has been will always be with us wherever we go. To transform, then, is really about adding new details to our understanding of those moments especially the dreaded “f” ones. Perhaps if Ryan and I had turned around, we would have seen that the very determination and justification we were using to keep us in those specific places of familiarity would have worked just as well in our encounters of the unknown but when we are in the midst of anything it is all but impossible to breathe let alone perceive of how our words matter as a reflection of the experiences that we are living our rides with. Your words matter because they enfold the hidden specifics of you, keeping those multiple layers close, so that you can smell your flowers or move in circles or plummet into the weeds as well as transform your pain into what propels you into the unfamiliar while holding the hands of fear and courage. Simply be kind and easy with yourself with the understanding that both of those terms are more about the development of fondness and safety in the complexity of a so very heavell life just as to move or to change is really about expanding views on the inside rather than a different destination on the outside where transformation that stays can rarely be found. I wonder, if you could choose a word that matters to you, which one would say the most? Mine would be love because it illuminates leaning in to hear in order to show up for ourselves and others particularly in the messes that have been keeping us in the same place despite the appearance of advancement. I am learning to keep that word where I can feel it as an important part of my finding forgiveness and trust for myself in all of my moments that hold regret and grief so that I can go through and do this better. Have the best day possible for you because what has been the weeds of yesterdays can still become the flowers of today or even tomorrow with the understanding of why words matter to each of us. Love Always, Heavell
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