This is a place that I have never been to before and while it can be said that the yesterdays have lead me here, it is still not a moment that I had perceived of happening so soon on my trail in heavell. Our ability to cope well through that which all but destroys us relies upon our experiences to help us when we are on the ground; or even walking in circles. I have been the mother of an addict for years; comfortable in that hell while seeking the heaven. What I have never been, though, is the mother of a dream that is no longer here; until now. Last week, after a three week battle for his life that had been filled with rally ups as well as declines, Ryan left this world with Ashlee and myself by his side. A few weeks prior, he had told me that “our experiences create energy and our emotions are the pathways to that energy”. I have found myself feeling okay in the knowledge that he is no longer suffering while also feeling destroyed by the realization that I will never again see my dream nor hear his voice; the heaven and the hell of this trauma. Life contains moments, especially the “f” ones, that will always live on the inside of us because what has been done cannot be undone; but in time they can change form through our emotions. It matters not whether you can understand the loss of my son, you shouldn’t ever be here, but that you realize that the devastation of any given moment in an individual’s experiences can and does carry the weight of the world; as seen and felt in the heart of the beholder. That which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; because it is a declaration of an energy, a part or a moment that is in need of being seen. My sometime warrior status had been readily available to me during those three weeks but now I am only holding the hand of fear; while the hand of courage remains hidden in the shadows. The hope, that had been present with each passing day, no longer exists because he doesn’t. I am walking in circles because I have never been here before; it takes time to feel the anything and the everything. The tomorrow will eventually come when I will have spent enough time becoming comfortable with this new hell and I am scared of that too; if you’re scared just say you are. The yesterdays are where Ryan lives and I do not want to leave there. The energy that he created in my life was filled with heaven and hell experiences; they are what I am breathing in now. I am who I am in part because of him and for that I will always be grateful; for each and every heavell moment. Every dream matters whether here or not; because as he has said, “Love never ends but it does change into a new energy”. In this moment I will do this differently; with the help of Ashlee, Taylor and even Ryan. I am the heavell keeper of my life.
(Ryan: June 1998-May 2019)
To the doctors and nurses in the ICU: Thank you for all your efforts to save Ryan. I was realistic in my expectations but all of you kept hope alive until the end.
To Brittany: You have chosen a career that is meant to save lives and you are amazing at it. Ashlee and I will forever remember your kindness to Ryan; as well as to each of us. As I said “There is no other nurse that we nor Ryan would have wanted to be there when he left this world.” You are an amazing person. Thank you is what we said to you as we left but it is simply not enough to express our appreciation for all that you are and for what you did. The world is a better place because of people like you.
My dearest Ryan: You went out sober but those yesterdays were never going to let you go. We will always laugh when remembering you saying “I don’t want any fentanyl. I just want a glass of water.” One of the last things you said to Ashlee and I was that “this fucking sucks!” We promised you that we would be okay without you but I want you to know that for us “this fucking sucks!” We will forever miss your circle of heavell being with our circles of heavell. See you fallen angel. Love, Mom, Ashlee and Taylor.
It is not our ability to love or to have fun but our ability to face adversity together and separately that determines our successes or failures; whether an addict or not. Over this past year or so, Ryan has had a lot of health problems that have required hospitalization. Those moments from the yesterdays where he lived and breathed drugs have seemed so far away for us but in reality have not been for his body. Hell is always close by because life is never just heaven; unless of course you are an illusion of perfection. The week before Mother’s Day weekend, Ryan went to the mountains on his annual fishing trip; with a favorite uncle of his. On the very first day that he was there, a Monday, he felt his breathing was difficult but reassured me he was fine; he had this. By Thursday it was apparent that he was not okay so his uncle planned on returning home early on Friday morning. Ryan, however, was unresponsive in the morning and paramedics were called. He was placed on life support and airlifted to a hospital in Tucson in a very critical state.
In an all to common behavior of those who deal medically with addicts or even former addicts, judgements came rolling in; as well as the belief that I am in denial as his mother. The reality is that when Ryan had over-dosed at 18 years of age, he had defied the odds by surviving; however he did so with serious damage to his lungs. I had the choice of feeding the hell by reacting to the words and behaviors of those medical professionals or I could feed the heaven by calmly explaining Ryan’s history. We often fail to see and act to the best of our abilities when we feed the hell. I, however, do understand the intense passion that’s felt as it pertains to addiction and the devastation it brings; having spent many years in that place myself. Ryan has been diagnosed with ARDS: which is a wet lung disease that’s being complicated by the moments from the yesterdays. At this point he is still critical, remains on life support but is currently making progress; it’s day 12.
I ask of you, whether an addict or not, that in a moment like this, you choose to do this in a manner that is different then you have ever done before. Please stop feeding the hell on the inside of yourself as well as the outside of yourself. You cannot live to the best of your abilities, nor face the adversities of life, if you do not treat the heaven as well as the hell equally; a part can never equal a whole. Hell will never be that far away because it’s the friend of heaven. Through them both we become fallen angels as well as rise to become the sometime warriors; we have always been circles of heavell. Every dream matters, whether here or not, because without them, we wouldn’t be who we are today, yesterday and even in the tomorrows. I’ve been here before many years ago and just like then, hope is still a part of every moment; even if I am holding the hand of fear while trying to breathe in brave. See you soon. Love Heavell.
When a part becomes the definer of us, a chain is created that binds us to it. Over time, we can develop the simultaneous feelings of not wanting it and yet not knowing how to just be without it; as the loudest voice on the inside. Taylor has told me that while she hates her disease, over the years, it has become a familiar hell; the limitations that it has brought have become comfortable. With the possibility of a cure being found, she has begun to consider how her life may evolve; without those physical restrictions. What if in this moment you contemplated what you would do, how you would just be, if addiction were to end tomorrow; whether an addict or not? Hope keeps us moving while the fear of the unknown helps us to remain living today as we did yesterday; even if we don’t want that. We, ourselves, feed the hell when we fail to recognize the abilities of our heaven; especially when the “f” moments, the traumas or the BLAHs occur. What has been done will always just be because it cannot be undone but you do not have to just be in that place; unless of course you are comfortable there. An addict once told me that he had relapsed and subsequently had made a fool of himself in the process. I said, “So what?” He replied, “But I made a fool of myself!” I heard the recognition of the hell in his voice as he breathed it into his heart; reinforcing his thought process that its all that he is or ever will be. Our perceptions of ourselves, as well as those of others, are actually what chains us in that place of pain. Each of us has the opportunity to find the beauty that can be located in the shadows; by not being defined by a part, some parts, “f” moments or the BLAH. How at ease are you with just being in the place that you are; on the inside as well as the outside? What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Whether you have an illness, an addiction or the BLAH, you have the ability to use your heaven to lift up your hell; being strong even when you are weak. You are and have always been the heavell keeper of your life. Therefore it is you and you alone who must move forth on your trail in life’s journey; even if everyone else is walking in circles on theirs.
The longer we stay in the place of hurt, the hell, the more difficult it can become to find hope; even though it is always there. What do you see when you look in the mirror? How did it come to just be there? What is the real truth of your life? Has it become all that you are; even though that was never meant to just be? In the yesterdays, I have had moments of foolishness and the possibility exists that I will again in the tomorrows; not unlike an addict. There is also the probability, nay a guarantee, that life will present challenges in those future days that will immobilize me as well; returning to walking in circles. So what? None of that is a complete representation of who I am; no matter if you meet me when I am standing or completely lost on a circle. What those moments are meant to be is the opportunity to learn to see our hell and then accept it as having been just a part of us; whether an addict or not. It is not the place to continue to just be in but the point before eventually moving forward once again; in whatever time that takes. It’s also where the sometime warrior is created; even if there are only glimpses of that part of you. Come along fallen angels because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. Today is the chance to breathe in brave even if you are feeling scared or are comfortable with the hell; we all are at some point. Find the grace through the understanding of why you are feeling that hell on the inside and then expressing it on the outside; to the detriment of yourself as well as others. Be a victim, be a monster, be both, just be there or realize that while you may feel disadvantaged in some parts, you have depth in other ones. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept and change every part of you; but never to deny otherwise you will remain fractured. It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you; chaining and unchaining yourself. Life’s journey is not an illusion of perfection but a full circle of heavell that leaves us on the ground and raises the sometime warriors; while at times we act like fools or are immobile.
The beauty of my son’s addiction, that incredible trail in hell, has been the discovery of, the meeting of and the learning from so many amazing people. It is often easy to miss out on or even to dismiss the vast array of interpretations that are available to us through the words of others; especially when hell overwhelms us. One such group that I am learning about and from is known as BrokenHourGlass. They feature artists Brian Powers and Tyler Jenkins. Tyler has written a song, untitled as of yet, that contains a line that resonates with me. It is: “Take a walk in my shoes, tell me what you see as me” I love those words because they bring the contemplation of what is being felt and seen from the inside of someone else; which is actually so much more than what we on the outside believe we see. How do you feel about that line? If I were you, what would I see on the inside and from the inside of you; rather than what you share, or appear to be, on the outside? There have been many times over the years that I have wished that people who were not going through what I was, would have taken the time to step into my shoes rather than judge me; I am sure Ryan has felt the same way even about me. Our perceptions belong to us, having been created by the all that has been, but there are times when we need to be understood and moments when we need to understand as well. All feelings matter as they carry the weight of the world in the heart of each beholder. So while Tyler and I come from two different worlds, we both have the desire to be perceived of in a manner other than what we have been; that connection. How would things change, if you were able to see people, places, things and even the BLAH from a different view? What if in a moment like this you decided to stop feeding the hell by discovering what its like to walk the life’s journey of someone other than yourself? Got Heavell? I hope so because there is so much more to you, me and everyone else; whether an addict or not.
Thank you Tyler and Brian @brokenhourglass_records for allowing me to quote your line. The words of others, as well as their sometime warrior status, can help us to find and or give a voice to the little boxes of feelings that we are not comfortable with. Thank you for helping me to locate one of mine.
The saying that “misery loves company” is the real truth on the inside of us; as well as the outside of us. Being perceived by others can encourage us to fracture ourselves in order to belong; focusing on only a part or some parts. The unity that can be found there or even through substances, can then lead to our continually walking in circles; actually feeding the hell. The green truth is that the oneness that is felt through the belonging makes us whole but the real truth is that it can and does create discord within ourselves. Which group is on the inside; as well as the outside of you? Which one can see your pain but will also motivate you to find the beauty that lives in hell; in order to move forth on the trail? Which one hopes that you will just be in that hurt? Somehow the feeling as well as the justification that “everyone is doing it or everyone is at this place” makes the anything and the everything seem alright; regardless of who or what may be harmed in the process. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Share with me how you feel so that I may understand you but most of all so that you may remember all of you; not just a part or some parts. Have you ever been in a room full of people, known or unknown, and felt alone? How about being in a group in which you feel as if you must hide a part or some parts of yourself? Or are seen only for being a part or some parts? The green truth is that being included by others or fitting in with them or the use of substances will remove the hell; whether an addict or not. The real truth is that no matter where you are or who you are with or what part has the loudest voice, you will still have to walk your trail in hell alone; no person, place, thing or substance can change that. What if in a moment like this, you realized that you are the perfect person because you were made in heavell; and as such are the heavell keeper of your life?
One of my favorite addicts is celebrating and suffering in sobriety this week. He or she has chosen to do it differently this time because what has been done in all of the yesterdays has continued to not work for that person. Hope lives in every moment of the past, the present and the future but it will stay in the shadows if we continue to repeat the same actions while expecting a different outcome. When I spoke with this person, I relayed a story that I had briefly watched on my local PBS station. A young man was speaking about being an ADHD person; how it had been hell for him. His perspective reflected his frustrations while his interpretation showed the influence of words and actions as given by others; because we can lift up and or destroy ourselves as well as others. This young man had spoken with another person, a woman, who had a completely different take on being an ADHD person. I could see and hear that her words had had a profound effect on him; the discovery of the beauty of hell. She said that being ADHD was her superpower; her strength rather than her weakness. The view of every moment, trauma, part or the BLAH is in the heart of the beholder. If our recognition of something is only the hell, then it can be all but impossible to have hope or courage or to even breathe in brave. In the anything and the everything, as well as ourselves, there is both a heaven and hell and as such we must treat them equally; even if we can’t yet see it or don’t want to. I asked my friend, “What if your addiction really was and is meant to become your “superpower”; the creation of the warrior in you?”. The adversity of what has been has always been intended to undermine you, to challenge you on the trail, but it was never ever meant to completely destroy you or to become all that you are; a part can never equal a whole. We assume that heaven is the place to find superpowers, our strengths, but the real truth is that they are created through our suffering in hell; and merely celebrated in our heaven. It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you because your perspective will determine how long you walk in circles. You were made in heavell so what if you seek out the beauty by viewing addiction as the opportunity for you to become whole; whether an addict or not?
I am confident and comfortable with my heaven as well as my hell; as produced by me and as given to me by others. The pain, the traumas, the “f” moments and the BLAH have hurt me on the inside and as such I have expressed them on the outside; just like an addict. It seemed easier to expect others to pick their own weeds while I just smelled my flowers; justifying or denying my behaviors. The real truth is that I was behaving today as I had yesterday, while expecting a different outcome, by following rather than leading myself and or others; walking in circles. My superpower lies in my ability to transform the all that has been for me into my understanding that what has broken me has also lifted me up; the beauty of adversity. You can find me in heaven as it’s the place to just be but you can also find me in hell because that is where my sometime warrior was created; and is still needed in any given moment. Tomorrow holds the hope that no matter what is found on my trail, or even yours, we will eventually go through; rather than continue to walk in those circles. Come along fallen angels because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. Tricks aren’t just for substance abuse because heaven and hell use them as well; to make you both incapacitated and fierce. Got Heavell? You certainly do because just like me, you were made there.
To my friend: You have been walking in circles in hell; for what has appeared to be forever. It was heaven to hear the strength in your voice again; even though I know you are suffering in your sobriety. Prior to and throughout your addiction, you have felt and seen so much; breathing into your heart what was never yours to carry nor all that you are or will be. No one ever wants to feel the all that has been but its power has grown from your running; don’t feed the hell. Turn your pain and the anger into understanding by facing the mirror and heading towards what you fear most; the real truth. Stay strong and be weak, together as well as separately, by being the heavell keeper of your life. Sometime warriors are created by your parts being all for one and one for all; otherwise you will stay fractured. Life’s journey is filled with the moments that we’ll never forget because they have always been made in heavell.
Both an addict and a non-addict can and do experience a variety of moments that can leave them feeling as if they are hanging in mid-air; unable to move forward. The apple known as denial is a coping skill, a sometime friend, that each of us uses in order to delay the awareness that the real truth brings about ourselves as well as others. That procrastination walks with hope on the trail of our circles of heavell; keeping our desires alive. There is a separation, though, between the interpretation that tomorrow might be different, despite the same behaviors, and the reality that tomorrow will be different through the loving, hating, accepting or changing of every part of ourselves; whether an addict or not. Grief is another place to be, when we are in the hell of addiction or even life, that denial helps us to avoid. It is most often associated with the loss of physical life but the real truth is that we suffer those feelings through all sorts of moments; as felt in the heart of the beholder. While hope keeps us moving, even if in circles, it also can impede our ability to progress through the all that has been; as well as lost. Grief that is kept hidden in the shadows can prevent the transference of hurt into understanding. What if in a moment like this, you chose to do this in a manner that you have not done before by picking your own weeds; some of which are known as grief? What you hoped for can only be achieved by treating the heaven and the hell of you equally.
Ashlee has said that we often avoid the places or moments where the anything and the everything contain hurt, fear, anger and grief. Distress can appear to be an immobile place or even a weak state but it is an important part of transferring the knowledge of suffering into understanding and strength. I, myself, prefer my sometime warrior state, the heaven of me, rather than the “f” moments, the traumas and the BLAHS; even though the fighter in me was created from those adversities. The beauty of suffering is that while it is a part of the hell, it is also a part of what makes us whole; by helping to lift our heaven, our strengths, up. A long time addict friend has repeatedly expressed that he or she does not want to feel the pain and therefore never will. The substance abuse, a form of denial itself, has been a coping skill to avoid the hurt; but with each passing moment, it has actually weakened the abilities of the heavenly parts while strengthening the hell ones. The real truth is that the more we avoid the anything and the everything, through denial and or hiding, the more we are encouraging the hell to stay close; to become powerful despite our having heavenly expectations. What you hoped for can only be attained by walking, crying, feeling, suffering, hanging in mid-air, laying on the ground and eventually standing in your hell; never by being an illusion of perfection. What if in a moment like this, you chose to do it differently by grieving for what has been, what was lost and what will never be; and then stand up knowing that the heaven of you is not that far away?
Over the years, hope has fueled my determination to find my son who had fallen into the hell of addiction. Unbeknownst to myself though was the real truth that hope is actually the sometime friend of the apples known as denial, judgement and justification. As the moments have passed, I have realized that what I had hoped for was not the place to just be anymore; it was a part of what caused Ryan to fall. There has been suffering in me for what has been and lost as well as what will never be but along the way there has also been the discovery of beauty; found in the seeing of all of Ryan as well as myself. The yesterdays will always just be a part of us because what has been done cannot be undone no matter what we wish for. If we don’t go through the hell though, it is impossible to actually have heaven; because we have it all whether we want it or not. I am a dream as well as a nightmare and so is my son; because we are alike despite having different parts, “f” moments, the BLAH as well as beauty. How is what you hoped for working for you; whether an addict or not? Does it only contain heavenly desires? It may appear that hell opens the door to only suffering but it actually holds the mirror that allows us to see that we are a circle of heavell; its up to each of us which group we allow to speak the loudest on the inside. I’m not it because you are the perfect person to be the heavell keeper of your life. Treat both the heaven and the hell of you equally as they are friends who work together to weaken and strengthen you; whether you want them to or not. If your scared then just say you are because there’s no denying that every moment or BLAH has the ability to bring the adversity that will determine the success and or failure of ourselves; by interrupting our steps. Have hope but let it just be the desire that the weakness and the suffering of the yesterdays will be what creates the standing, the sometime warrior, of the tomorrows; by not repeating what has already been done and felt.
To the photo-bombers: What we think we see and feel is often only a part of the whole because it’s just not that simple. Thank you for showing that you are so much more than just people who stepped into a moment.
The enabling of addicts carries an understanding that touches only on the easily seen or visually concrete parts. We are aware that the handing of substances or money or failing to hold them accountable is a part of the facilitation that keeps addiction alive; realized or not. Located within our words and actions though is also the ability to empower addiction and the behaviors that fuel the repeating of today what has occurred in the yesterdays; whether an addict or not. Change is never easy for anyone but the real truth is that we cannot ask someone to behave differently when we ourselves continue to act and react in the same manner; perpetuating cycles while asking addicts not to repeat their own. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others holds the key to how long you will just be in hell; or are able to find the beauty that lives there. Courage walks with fear while enabling marches with denial on that very same trail; which group are you holding hands with? Breathing in brave while taking steps is a part of moving forward but adversity can and does bring the reactions of the yesterdays right back into today; regardless of the number of steps forward or even the amount of yesterdays that have passed. The familiarity that can be found in those behaviors can and does bring a sense of security for all of us; even though they are a part of what ensures that each new day will be similar to the one before. What if in a moment like this, you were to choose to face the all that has been and will be in a manner that you have never done before; even if you are scared to?
Last week I spoke with someone I have known for years. This person is a loved one of an addict who has been replaying the cycles of addiction and sobriety for as long as anyone can remember. This person said to me: “I don’t know what to do anymore. My family member is going to die and it’s destroying everyone one of us”. I could feel the pain and the desperation in those words as they were being said; they had been a familiar place for me as well. As I listened, I was transported to my yesterdays where the moments that had brought such fear still live; because they will always just be there. I thought about the cycles that had been replicated by both Ryan and myself; as if a new day would solve what was so broken the day before. One of the definitions of insanity is the repeating of an action while expecting a different outcome. A commonality that can be found amongst addicts and non-addicts is that we both persist in our well known behaviors; despite the concrete proof that shows that the same actions and reactions will bring about the same results. The real truth is that what was done in the yesterdays is a part of what has become the insanity of today; for all of us. Whether an addict or not, hurt, fear, the pain, the BLAH or even the anger cannot transform through grace into understanding without change; especially but not limited to what is on the inside of us. I have been a perpetuator of cycles and behaviors, an enabler of sorts, with the help of the apples known as justification and denial. Even today, I still have an occasional moment when I relapse into those familiar and comfortable reactions of yesterday when adversity overwhelms me; not unlike an addict. Change is never easy but if everyone behaves in a similar manner as they always have, the results will continue to be as they have been; as such, hell will never be that far away. What if in a moment like this, you were to choose to lead, yourself and others, by not following the behaviors of yesterday; even if it is a place that feels like home?
In every moment of the day, we have the ability to respond to each adversity, fear, happiness, hell, request or the BLAH with the statement of “either I can or I cannot” for ourselves; then expressing to others what we can or cannot do. When we give explanations, those justifications as well as judgements, we enable others to justify and deny their own behaviors. Personal emotional definitions make it hard to hear and understand how others feel; creating the need to defend positions that are felt in the heart of the beholder. By keeping people, places and things within what you are capable of, the can or the cannot, you have the ability to learn to take care of you; to hear you. We can lift up and or destroy ourselves as well as others through our words and actions; encouraging or discouraging the picking of weeds and the smelling of flowers. In order to help someone change or to even save his or her self, we must help ourselves to do the same thing; even if we are comfortable with the all that we are. Those familiar actions and reactions can seem like the acceptable standard but the real truth is they are a part of why we don’t know what to do when adversity arrives; making it hard to breathe, follow steps or even to stand. What if in a moment like this, you decided to become the heavell keeper of your life; believing that your not it because you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you?
To my friend and fellow loved one of an addict: The familiar is oh so painful and traumatic; it has been for years and years. You want others to change, especially your addict, but do not seem to want to adapt yourself. How’s that working for you? Today will be the same as yesterday as will tomorrow unless you save yourself first. What if in a moment like this, you tried leading instead of following? What if you just decide whether you can or cannot in all of those moment; accepting that others also have the same ability? Know that you are and have been in hell because you are the one that chains yourself there; it feels like home even if you say you hate it. It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you. Be a victim, be a monster, be both of them, be an illusion of perfection or just be the heavell keeper of your life; each has always been well within the capabilities and control of your parts. Love, Heavell.
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