What does being all right mean to you? What do you feel in your heart when you say that you are? Is it the green truth or the real truth for you? For me it means that I am able to handle more and more moments without feeling as if I cannot breathe; it doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel the hell. Can you understand that? Despite what has been in the yesterdays and the part of me that is still there, the todays and the tomorrows continue to come and go; as life persists all around me. When I am able to, I am using the other parts of myself to lift up the one that feels so broken. It certainly doesn’t work every time but when it does, I am in the moments that I need to be; stepping forward rather than walking in circles. Some of those times involve the others in my life and it is essential that I be able to be present for them; as well as myself. All of this is living a life that is so very heavell; having and holding heaven and or hell in any given moment every single day. It’s learning to be all right even when not all of the parts or moments or BLAHS are all right. I am me and as such I am more than just the mother of a dream who won against addiction but ultimately lost his life due to the destruction to his body. You are you and as such you are the perfect person to love, hate, lift up, change or accept every part of you. Be amazed and be loud about the all of you. Here’s to the hope that you will take what has been on the inside and the outside of you and be all right; whether an addict or not.
If I were you, what would I see when I look in the mirror? If I were you, what would I feel in my heart? The things that we perceive of ourselves have often been influenced by what others have decided; as if we are each all or nothing. It is impossible, though, to know everything about someone just as it is difficult for each of us to treat the heaven and the hell within us equally. It is very challenging to find the understanding that is needed for others when we struggle to find it within ourselves. Imagine if you will, that you see me when I am having a bad moment; fear and hurt are often expressed through anger. It’s never easy to say “I’m scared” so we will convey that feeling in detrimental ways; for ourselves and for others. If you are unaware that my son died tragically, what would you describe me as being; based on those moments that you saw? What do others define you as being; based on what they have seen or have been told? We use our words to state what others and ourselves are but it is rarely, if ever, the real truth. The strongest part may be what we feel and what others see but there has always been so much more to us; unless of course we don’t treat it all equally. I am me and while I have done a lot of things right in this life, I have also had way too many “f” moments and “I am scared” ones; having to learn to do this better every time I can. If your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. Feeling that way is not a weakness but rather an expression on the outside of the mess on the inside; that is in need of being dealt with. A part can never equal a whole no matter what is seen or felt. If we focus on only a part as being the problem and or the solution, then we are continuing the cycle that helped to create the fall to begin with; there’s one of those “f” moments. On the days or moments that I am not doing this well, I need the other parts of me to lift me up or to stand over the one that is fallen. You will never know that about me or yourself if we only believe in illusions of perfection or the green truth that a part equals a whole. Got heavell? Here’s to the understanding that you have always been so much more; find what you love and what needs to change. Please hold on because another moment is coming and this time you can be all right; unless of course you continue to feed the hell one part at a time.
This heavell life will always present the opportunity to meet yourself as well as others; to learn, to change, to be amazed, to listen and to be heard. I had the opportunity to speak with Jimmy from Tucson Turf Elite Football powered by Life Athletix, Inc. They have co-ed flag football teams and are a non-profit, youth sports organization. What struck me as being amazing about this group is that they win because their kids focus on being a team and communicating as one as well; in life and on the field. They are a whole that is made up of parts; from the volunteers to those who donate to the kids who play. We can learn from them by conveying and functioning as a team on the inside of ourselves while sharing that to the outside; especially in those moments that are hell. Thank you tucsonturfelite.org and Jimmy for your time; and for leading others to be more than just a part.
Life has a no return policy because with each passing moment, we are adding more and more to our parts; preventing our return to who we were in the moments before. Life has gone on since Ryan died but that part of me remains in the yesterdays; laying down from the trauma. I am learning to be all right in the other parts of myself; while not being all right in that one. I am still working to figure out who I will be; because I have to go forward. Ryan had also struggled to see who he was going to be in the tomorrows; after having been defined by his drug use for so long. He had to learn to allow himself to be and feel so much more than just that. For me, everything can appear to be all right in one moment and then completely change in the next; often without warning. Memories appear out of nowhere or are triggered by a thought. a sound, a smell or from something that is seen or felt. They bring my little boxes of feelings, that are hidden in the shadows, to life again. They are bittersweet as they bring the hell but also carry the heaven. All of it makes understanding me, for myself as well as for others, challenging. Ryan would know what I am feeling through all of the losses he had been through; but I can’t talk to him about it. Do those kind of things happen for you; whether an addict or not? Even if our pain, parts, lives or BLAHS are different, can you understand me? Do you feel the same? Here’s to having it all in a life that is so very heavell. It’s all right, you can stay in this place for a moment but just because you are doesn’t mean you should forget that your sometime warrior is waiting for you. As you are, you are the only one who has the key; as the heavell keeper of your part on the whole. Please hold on because it’s just a matter of time; and the next moment will be here soon.
In the words of songwriter and artist Tyler Jenkins (formerly of Brokenhourglass):
What are the repercussions Getting lost in these discussions Who I am and who I wanna be For me that is a touchy subject One day I’m feelin happy And the next I’m feelin sad All this built up in depression Slowly transitions to aggression I can tell that everyone thinks That I should be on some type of medicine The guardian angel that’s behind me Is it heaven sent? Or is this better then I’ll ever get?
The words that we use hold the definitions of our feelings and beliefs; despite what the dictionary says the words mean or what others may feel about them. They are a view into the things that are on the inside of us; made up of what has been, seen, felt and especially the BLAH. Our emotional definitions can change, evolve or stay the same as we add moments to our parts. About ten years ago, I sat at the funeral of Ryan’s girlfriend; a beautiful rose lost from the world of dreams. Yesterday I spoke with her father for the first time in years; I wanted to let him know that Ryan had died at the end of May. He said “We belong to a group that no one ever wants to be a part of.” The real truth is that living through something changes our consciousness of the words; giving them a life of their own. I had no idea what it felt like to lose a child, despite being able to perceive of what it probably entailed, until that BLAH occurred in my life. Even the powerful fear that I had felt over the years during Ryan’s substance abuse did not prepare me for the emotions I feel today. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What feelings have you chained to their meaning; especially the BLAH? Can you accept that they express the all that has been for you; and others may not see nor feel the same way? Yesterday was what it was. Today is what it is. Tomorrow, however, holds the hope that will lead to finding the beauty in hell. Can you even imagine that or are you scared? It’s all right, just take the hand of courage as well as that of fear and breathe in brave. We really are alike when in unfamiliar and uncomfortable places so here’s to you just being you; and I will just be me. After all, the art of living in addiction isn’t just about the part that has been defining you; but rather what you do with the all of you. Love, Heaven, Hell and your Sometime Warrior.
Thank you to Tyler at @iamtylerjenkins for once again bringing another perspective through your words.
One of the most challenging parts of addiction is in remembering who you are as a circle of heavell instead of just being that perfect person to be and to bring hell; for yourself as well as others. What words do you feel best describe you today? What about in the yesterdays? Do they contain the heaven as well as the hell of you? The moments, the traumas and even the BLAH are a part of what makes each of us who we are; the only ones. They bring the lessons that we can learn from in order to be lifted up; rather than to be destroyed by the “f” moments that can be found within all of us. What has been done cannot be undone but we can understand those things as being a part of our creation; after all sometime warriors and superpowers have never been needed in heaven. I am me and you are you while each of us is doing and not doing what we should or shouldn’t in any given moment; as circles of heavell. You may feel justified in seeing and feeling your hell but remember you have always been so much more than that; it’s alright that you have forgotten who you are. Can you accept and love yourself as a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person; even though that has never ever been an easy thing to do? Please hold on as you take this one moment, part, breath, step and fall at a time; whether an addict or not. Here’s to the yesterdays, to today and to the tomorrows that bring all of you; and nothing less.
During Ryan’s substance abuse, over the course of many years, he often had excuses for his behaviors; feeling justified in what he did because of the all that had been in his life. As his sobriety grew through walking in circles, steps and falls, his attempts to deflect his responsibility for his part transformed into an understanding of the hell that he had brought. The green truth is that each of us has our reasons for the anything and the everything that has been said or done or not. The real truth, though, is that those explanations hold the understanding of the how, the why and the what that came to be on the inside of each of us. They are the perspectives that can be seen from our position; sharing them through behaviors and words. Ryan would often tell me “You know mom, I never meant to do those things.” He had been a completely different person while using substances; just as I was in my attempts to stop it. He was in part an addict, at times the loudest voice within him, but he was also so much more than that; just like you. I am me and you are you and Ryan was who he was unless words, behaviors and substances are used to keep us chained in hell; through ourselves and or others. Sometime warriors who have superpowers that also fall down can only be found in a place that challenges all of us to do this better; on the inside as well as the outside. Beauty lives and breathes no matter where we are but seeing it requires being the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part; but never to deny any of them. Here’s to the all of you and nothing less as the heavell keeper of your life; to have and to hold whether you want it or not.
It has been almost 4 months since Ryan died. I never know when or how or what will trigger me; appearing out of no where at times. No one, even if someone else has been here, can do this for me; just like you. The challenge for me is to find the understanding, the beauty, that is hidden in the shadows in this place; just like you. I will step and fall while walking in circles on this trail in hell; just like you. I am scared as well as brave; just like you. I will bring the all of me and nothing less; just like you. So what? You shouldn’t be here nor should I but then life has always been so very heavell; just like us.
We often define ourselves and or others as only being a part; or some parts. When we or others remind us of those things in ways that destroy us, rather than lifts us up to do this better, they then can become all that we see; and feel. The real truth is that the hell in and around our lives is a part of the cause of angels falling; whether an addict or not. How we cope with the all that has been in the yesterdays, or even today, holds what may be or will continue to be in the tomorrows; often ensuring that we will walk in circles. It is simple enough to know how others affect us but the challenge is to find the understanding of what is being expressed through the words and the behaviors of someone else. Words, as well as the personal emotional definitions tied to them, are the most powerful weapons that each of us has; able to do damage on the inside as well as the outside of us. What moment or part or behavior are you defined as being; by you and or others? Are you so very heavell or are you merely just what is easily seen? I am me but you will never know that if you choose to only conclude what you want to view or to deal with. You are you and I believe in your hell; while also knowing that heaven lives and breathes there too. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may both recognize more than just what we see and believe; from our positions on the circle of heavell. After all, we are the perfect people to be sometime warriors and to also have “f” moments while feeling brave and scared with every step and or fall.
This past weekend I was down an aisle in a store when I overheard a conversation between a mother and her young son; a couple of siblings stood nearby. That son had asked his mother if he could have a toy. I listened as she told him that he could not have anything because “he was bad”; while encouraging the other two children to pick out toys. One of them, the youngest in the group, tried to speak to his brother about the toy choice he had made. As that “bad” son sat on the floor quietly ignoring his sibling, his mother then began to berate him for not acknowledging his younger brother. Her words contained the power that, no matter what he did, he was only hell; as well as not entitled to any of his own feelings. The emotions on his face spoke volumes; despite never saying a word. The oldest sibling of the group apparently had been watching me as I moved back and forth trying to find what I needed; and said something to her mother about me. When I finally found what I was looking for, I walked to the front to check out. This is a store I happen to frequent so the cashier and I were having a conversation on the behaviors of others; one he just happened to initiate with me. As I relayed my opinion that words are the most powerful weapons that we have, I turned to see that mother standing near me; listening to our exchange. Have you ever been told that you are “bad”? Or perhaps have used that word? How did it feel in your heart; whether said or heard? What does it mean to you? I am me and you are you and that boy is who he is unless words are used to define who we are; in detrimental ways on the inside as well as the outside. In a moment, I saw the all and the nothing, the fracturing, in the face of that child; one whose tomorrow may include a fall in order to run from the pain that was created in the yesterdays. Words have the ability to create the victims that can and do grow up to be the monsters in the tomorrows; whether an addict or not.
One of things that Ryan had been working on, right prior to his death, had been why people or things are either all or nothing; especially as decided by others. He had certainly been treated that way by several people; even by some of the people in his personal life. Ironically those people wanted him to stop being an addict and yet they would never allow him to be anything other than that; the all and the nothing. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? There are many ways to get to the place that we need to be but none of them involve feeding the hell. Pick your own weeds and smell your own flowers so that hope will continue to be a part of a better tomorrow; because every dream matters whether here or not.
What is your emotional definition of the word perfect? What do you believe others feel about it? The word holds the meaning that something, someone, a place or even the BLAH is flawless. The question, then, is how is the ultimate of the anything and or the everything decided; especially within ourselves? Each of us stands in an essential position on the circle of heavell; seeing, feeling and believing what is within our view. By sharing and hearing those perspectives, we can find understanding within each of us for all the other parts of our circles; both on the inside and the outside. We can also be aware that each perspective has the power to lift up and or destroy; separately and together. It is important that we speak and listen in order to discover, grow and solve; but equally important is not to replace our own worth with the value found at someone else’s position; or to be defined by a part of ourselves. Life can be more painful than anyone else can possibly perceive of; even if there are similar experiences. When a key view is hidden or even lost, a fracture will occur that weakens that place; as well as the whole circle. Based on the definition of perfect, anyone who falls, has “f” moments or BLAH can never ever be idyllic and yet sometime warriors are not created in heaven; or even in the appearance of it. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What do they mean to you? To them? There’s a place that you’ve got to go to in order to see what’s going on; its on the inside. As you are, you are the perfect person, the only you, who knows every single piece of yourself; but especially the ones lost or hidden in the shadows. As such, you are the most valuable part at your position on the circle of heavell; and we need you there telling us what you see and feel.
The problem with the concept of perfect, especially the one decided by others, is that it often doesn’t lift us up. Rather it encourages us to believe that only some are able to have and to hold it; even when it’s an illusion. The real truth is that perfection does not exist without flaws; just as heaven does not exist without hell. There will always be moments in which each of us will do or be or not the things we should or shouldn’t; in manners that are flawless as well as incorrect. If you hold on, no matter the time frame, you have done it perfectly for you in that period; but it may need to change in the next one. If you fall, be amazed at what it took to do that; because never ever has that been a simple thing to do to a sometime warrior. Find what you love about you, that moment or the BLAH and take the next daring, possibly imperfect, step. Just being so very heavell means that you will always be surrounded by a perfectly, irritatingly, messy, sometime warrior that has “f” moments; while being a dream and a nightmare. Wherever you go, it will all go with you because it’s how you came to be. So what? What if you were to look in the mirror and say “There you are!”; especially in the moments when you feel alone? What if you were to take courage by the hand and lead it to the place that you’ve got to go to; because you are the only who can? You have always been so much more than just a part so get loud in the all of you. Please stand by because the hope is that you will become the idyllic person for you; giving a voice to your little boxes of feelings. It only takes a moment to feed the hell; but it also requires just a moment to see the beauty no matter where you are. Its all right that you have forgotten who you are; hurt, trauma, fear, anger and the BLAH can cause that. As the beholder of an essential position, you are the perfect person to just be the heavell keeper of your life; loving, hating, accepting or changing every single part of you.
Are you so very heavell with a part of you in addiction or are you only an addict with just a piece in heavell? As you are, what you believe you see in the mirror has the power to lift up or to destroy your ability to just be you; a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person. When we breathe in what we hate and or hurts us, our perception on the inside and the outside is altered; to the detriment of ourselves as well as others. The green truth encourages us to focus on one person, place, thing, substance or part as being where the problem can be found; and also where the solution resides. The real truth is that many objects, moments, pieces, BLAHS and more live within us and around us; each bringing something in and taking something out. Because we are not made of or defined by only one of those, it is essential that we include all of them; seeing them as the contributors to the obstacles as well as the resolutions. Just as an addict must think of and do all the things necessary in order to stop the use of substances, he or she must also reflect on all the ways that addiction came to be on the inside; and has continued to live there. What then do you know about yourself; that is merely one of the clues to you being all right? In a garden or in you, the weeds or the hell desire to grow as much as the flowers or the heaven. If one has become the strongest part of you, then its up to you to deal with the all that has been or that will be; by picking your own weeds while smelling your own flowers. You are the only one who has come together as you have; making your perspective imperative as a factor in the problems and the solutions. What if in a moment like this you were to own your hell; rather than continue to allow it to have and to hold you? Because in life, there you are as the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change all of your parts; even the ones that have been denied, forgotten or hidden in the shadows.
While fear can impede our ability to speak, it also can be the driving force behind finding a voice; the heaven and the hell of it. Even when the truth is spoken, there are no guarantees that it will be received well by others; or have the ability to create the change that we hope for. Seventeen years ago Ashlee spoke of her fearfulness for her boyfriend’s return to drug use. She breathed in brave and went to Matt’s home to speak with his mother while he was out; sharing what she knew and was scared of. After she told him that she could not be with him if he used substances, Matt promised her that he was going to party for one last time that same night. He died a few hours later from an accidental overdose; having aspirated in his sleep. Fear and courage walk hand in hand but also nearby is guilt for the moments when we believe we did not do this well enough; whether an addict or not. Seen or not, everyone and everything brings something in and takes something out in any given moment. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? There is no one better than you to speak for you; especially of your perspective from your position. Take your life by the hand rather than continue to allow it to take your hand; deciding what you can or cannot have or be. Embrace the “f” moments because we don’t learn if we don’t make them; and admit to having them. We don’t stand if we don’t fall; because there would be no reason to. We also wouldn’t have our sometime warriors; without the moments that challenge us with fear and devastation. So what if one of the most powerful things in this world, addiction, brought you down? With the super power of being the only you, you are the perfect person to eventually stand in that hell; and become who you were always meant to be. We need you in your position otherwise we will continue to be fractured; missing the essential parts that hold some of the keys to the problems and the solutions. After all, there you are being so very heavell in a world where everyone else is also being that; while laying down, walking in circles, falling, standing, stepping and sometimes just being in a place we don’t want to be.
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