The things that exist in a material form provide us with the ability to easily perceive of them; viewing the heaven, the hell or the beauty that we each believe to be located there. What is not as easily known are the things that we feel on the inside; even if we express them on the outside of ourselves through our behaviors and our words. Can you describe three things that you love about yourself; whether an addict or not? Are there any parts of yourself that you are willing to accept; because they can’t be changed? In this perfect moment, how and what you see of those things holds the ability to lift yourself up because you are the perfect person to do so; to see the beauty in you. It is possible to be vulnerable while being strong, courageous and fearful at the same time as well as a sometime warrior who is a mess. When the darkness or the hell seems to be the strongest part of you, remember that you are a circle of heavell; and breathe. So what if you have “f” moments or are an addict? What else are you; because you have always been so much more than just the sum of that part? Today I made a new friend who has two years of sobriety. He referred to himself as a retired professional rather than the standard statement of being an addict in recovery; having been an expert in drinking. Within you are all the pieces, things, moments and even the BLAH that you need; as the heavell keeper of your life. In order to see and be the essential you, you must find what is on the inside; rather than what is on the outside of you. In everything that we do, whether an addict or not, we bring all of ourselves with us wherever we go; even when we fall. A part or some parts may be what is the strongest but the other pieces each have a voice too; able to lift us if we use them to do so. What if in this perfect moment you were to see more than just the hell? What if you were to take the hand of fear and that of courage and breathe in brave? I will just wait right here while you look in the mirror at the perfect person; to love, hate, accept and change every part of you but never to deny the heaven nor the hell. No one aspires to become an addict but it happens everyday; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly but always painfully. Get loud in the all of you. Laugh and cry while learning to understand what it has taken to cause you to fall; and then at what it will take for you to go through as only you can. I believe in all of you but it matters more that you are able to see that about yourself.
At the beginning of this year, I wrote about the HugTrain and it’s founder Arie. Each year, he or another HugMaster come from Canada and ride the Amtrak around the United States in order to promote free hugs; as well as mental health. They do this especially over the holidays as it is one of the strongest parts of the year in which people fall; whether from addiction, the pain or even the BLAH. Arie is a sometime warrior who is strong while being vulnerable; as well as courageous and fearful. He reminded me of the value of my ex-father-in-law’s hug; given to me as Ryan lay on a ventilator after over-dosing at the age of 18 many years ago. Charlie died last year in November but how I wish he had been there to give me a hug this past May when Ryan died; his hugs lifted the weight of the world even if only for a moment. Each year HugTrain chooses someone to honor as they make their way across the United States. The honoree of their eleventh ride is Ryan; representing addiction, mental health and as a giver of hugs that lifted the weight of the world. Anton is this year’s HugMaster and he begins his tour on December 22, 2019; leaving Montreal and heading to Schenectady, NY. He will be traveling for a month throughout many of our states; you can find the schedule on either their Facebook page @HugTrain or their Instagram page @HugTrainUSA. I hope you will meet Anton and get a hug in a city near you; or get and give hugs yourself. If you are able to, please donate to their non-profit as they rely upon those donations in order to travel. Thank you HugTrain and Arie, as well as Anton, for being able to see the hell; and thus being a part of the heaven.
I told that new friend of mine and Arie that I am a better person for the addiction that has been a part of my life. The pain of it brought the hell but it has also helped me to see more than just some of the parts of myself, my children and others. Addiction may have destroyed us for a matter of time but it also became a superpower that has brought the beauty of being a circle of heavell. Hell will never be that far away but through you, as an essential part, you can be a sometime warrior who is a mess; breathing in brave while holding the hands of courage and that of fear. If your scared just say you are; because we all are at some point. See you soon. Love, Heavell.
We tend to focus on the things, the parts and the moments that we don’t like on the inside and the outside of us; not wanting them to be seen or to deal with them. Being so aware of the anything and the everything that we view as a piece of the hell, though, keeps us in the place where we walk in circles. We then breath those things into our hearts as the definers of who or what we are; whether we should or not. What would be in the words that you use to describe yourself? Are you equally aware of your heaven as you have been of your hell; or vice versa? We have it all but it has never ever been that easy to see both nor to feel both; especially when we are consumed by just one. The strength of any part, moment, person or even the BLAH is found in what we center our attention upon; and the matter of time that we stay there. Every moment is the perfect moment, no matter what it is, to be and to bring heavell; finding the balance so that if we fall, our sometime warriors will eventually lift us up. Change is possible when we seek the beauty that can be found no matter where we are; but especially in the hell. It provides a different perspective of the things that hold our pain; minimizing the power of it. You will stay, however, in that place as a matter of your time until you are ready to go through. I will wait right here in this perfect moment while you look in the mirror; and find the beauty that only you can locate. Are you ready? How about now?
For years, I wanted out of the hell of Ryan’s addiction. There had been so many moments in which I had not known what to do and ones where I didn’t do what I should have; not unlike an addict. The denial of being in that place on the trail starts in the beginning but it also comes from the shadows in many other moments along the way; whether an addict or not. Both Ryan and I used the apple known as denial in order to avoid dealing with the things that we didn’t want to. Admitting the truth would have meant acknowledging the parts of ourselves that we did not want to cope with; ignoring it made it seem as if it wasn’t as powerful as it really was. I had been waiting for the perfect moment when Ryan would just stop using substances; finding the understanding that he didn’t need them. As I look back on all those years, it was a culmination of many steps and falls for both of us that led to his sobriety; just as it had been to fall into the hell of addiction in the first place. I can say that I hated the addiction when it started, as well as in the middle, but I can also convey that each of us is better because of the hell. The heaven of that painful time was learning to love, hate, accept or change every part of ourselves; but never to deny any of them. Every moment had been the perfect moment to discover and to share what we saw and felt; although it was not easy to understand that while we were in it. Be amazed at what it has taken to cause you to fall; because it has never ever been that simple of a thing to do. Be loud in the all of you as you are a whole circle of heavell; and not just a part or some parts or even an illusion. Here’s to the hope that in your matter of time you will see and feel differently as you step and fall along your trail. So what if you have “f” moments? You are you and I am me and that is how we find the all of ourselves; both the heaven and the hell of us. Take the time to laugh until your stomach hurts and to say “I am sorry” to yourself. It’s going to be all right because this moment and the next and the next are the perfect moments to fall and to stand and to just understand you.
When our moments have involved the things that feel like the hell to us, it can make even the distant yesterdays seem as if they just happened. What do you hold in your parts that you will always carry with you; because it will forever just be? How does it feel today versus how it felt when it happened? What kind of “f” moment was it; regardless of it being yours or someone else’s? You are not what has happened on the outside of you; but it does matter what you do with those things on the inside of you. Courage is defined as having strength but that quality can also be found in simply making it through a moment as well as in just breathing. Fear, at times, can appear to be weakness but it can also help us to recognize what our personal emotional definition of hell is; guiding us to go through or even to avoid it. In all things, heaven and hell can be found but recognizing both and feeling both has never ever been that simple. This is your life’s journey so just breathe until you are able to step. Here’s to you and to me as we walk our trails in this so very heavell life; discovering the moments where we stand and the ones in which we fall.
It’s hard to imagine and then find the beauty that can be located everywhere we are; especially when we are in hell. It might surprise you to know that I am working on, when I can, what could possibly be the heaven found in Ryan’s death. I am, after all, well aware of the pain and the hell of it. The answers to what I now seek cannot be found in the knowledge of all that he was; as someone who made me laugh until my stomach hurt or as the person who encouraged me to find forgiveness in my hell or even as an addict. It also cannot be located within the knowledge that he is no longer suffering. By only being aware of the hell or the BLAH, we will continue to be chained to the pain, the regrets, the falls and the walking in circles. By finding the heaven, no matter how hard that may be, we have the ability to take what is on the inside and transform it into understanding; while still holding the moments and the parts of the yesterdays. What is the heaven of your pain? What will you do with the knowledge of that? When have you held the hand of fear? How did courage help you to make it through a moment or the BLAH? Be amazed that superpowers and sometime warriors are discovered only in the place that no one ever aspires to be in. In all things, there’s you and there’s me as the heavell keepers of our lives; going through as only each of us can in our matter of time. You know your hell but are you ready to see your heaven? Please hold on because today can be the moment that you have been waiting for; and tomorrow holds the hope that it will also be the perfect day to just be you.
Differences can be found in what we each view as being difficult, painful or even traumatic in a life that is so very heavell; also known as a nightmare, the BLAH or the hell. It can also be said that there are contrasts in what each of us feels is a dream or happiness or even freeing; also described as being beauty, perfection or the heaven. Even my words that reference “the “f” moments” in life elicits contradictory thoughts and feelings as felt in the heart of each beholder; the failure times versus the fantastic ones. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What have you chained to their meanings; from the all that has been in your life? Another aspect, or part, of our perception of how we feel about words, when we hear or say them, is affected and influenced by the place that we are in; at the time. As it pertains to substance abuse, whether an addict or not, that position on the trail will be different in the beginning than it is in the end; no matter the duration of the middle nor the falls in between. I can still vividly remember Ryan’s perception about the substances he used; that changed from start to finish. I can also clearly see the look of peace on Ryan’s face during his sobriety; that had been lost when this all began. Our personal emotional definitions and our place affect the anything and the everything of ourselves; helping us to step, fall or walk in circles. How can we know what to do or how to be when we are in a place that no one ever aspires to fall into? Or is often different from start to end; for each of us despite any similarities? Or can leave you feeling alone in a room full of people; or alone in a whole that is full of parts? Things are not always what they appear to be nor as simple as some would believe based upon their emotional definitions; just as I discovered through my children as well as the hell. A view from the outside does not provide the perception of the all that can be found on the inside. Without knowing what words mean to ourselves and to others, it can be hard to transfer pain into the understanding of what feels difficult or is beauty; or to see the value in each essential perspective. What if you were to start by seeing the whole of you; treating every part, feeling and word equally? We are each the beholders of what it feels to live a life that is so very heavell; found in a step, a fall, a trauma, a laugh, a moment, an apology, a hug or even the BLAH. We have always been so much more than just the difficulties that we find along our trails; or the illusions of perfection that surround us. After all, this is you and this is me with a little bit of heaven on the inside; even in what appears to be only hell.
Over the past five months since Ryan died, several people have told me that they just don’t know what to say to me. My response has always been that it’s okay because I haven’t known what to say to myself either. Taylor, who is a student counselor in training, has stated that at times she has found herself at a loss for words; while counseling others who are living what she is also trying to cope with. Our similarities and our differences, as well as those personal emotional definitions, can make it hard to breathe through what each of us must go through ourselves; no matter what we or others think or know. I recently became aware that an individual has been implying to others, those who know me and those who don’t, that I am not doing well; a result of Ryan’s death. What do others think about how you are handling the process of addiction and sobriety; whether an addict or not? How do you feel about all of it? Have you been in this place, whatever that is, before? For me, it wouldn’t matter if I had known this hell previously or not; because each person, moment, step, fall or tears and laughter are different. Ryan will always just be an irreplaceable part of me; as well as for his sisters. I am sure that our moments express that; especially when we are triggered. Does that mean we are not handling this well? Recovery, whether as an addict or someone who has lost a loved one, takes a matter of time. It’s easy enough to have judgement on what should be done, felt or the time frame that it should occur in but the real truth is that it will happen when each of us gets there; regardless of others. The same can also be said about Ryan and his process to find and hold his sobriety; he did it in his time frame despite what we may have wanted or not. As you are, you are the only one who can go through and find what it will take for you to be all right; even if there is a part that won’t ever be. Here’s to your words that give a voice to each of your little boxes of feelings. Just be you because you have always been a little piece of heaven; even as the perfect person to bring hell. I will just wait right here while you take your matter of time.
Ryan’s favorite superhero was superman. While on the NAMI walk in New Orleans, Ashlee saw the emblem on the ground. We see it as a sign that Ryan was there with her; and the rest of Ryan’s squad. Every day is the best day, from start to finish, to be kind to yourself; as a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person. Please hold on while your sometime warrior takes the hands of courage and fear. May your “f” moments be filled with every definition that you can think of; teaching you what needs to be dealt with while making you laugh until your stomach hurts. Be loud and be amazed as only you can be; as an essential part of the circle of heavell.
Life, hell, heaven, addiction and everything in between is subjective in the hearts of the beholders; coming together in a variety of ways in each individual. Have you thought about what those words mean to you? How would you describe them; as they pertain to you? Do the others in your life feel the same way? It has been said that as Ryan’s mother I am suffering the greatest loss from his death. It is the real truth that being without him is catastrophic in my life. It is, however, a green truth that my loss is greater than anyone else who has been affected by his passing. Each of us have held and still hold our personal relationships with him that will forever just be; as a part of who we are and who he was. In spite of the differences, the individuals and the moments, the value of each union is found in what was shared; the love, the pain, the “f” moments and even the BLAH. The same can also be said about all of our parts and connections as it pertains to the worth of each of them; on the inside of us as well as the outside. The hell of some of it may be what feels the strongest but your superpower has always been to use the all of you; to help you be all right in the moments and parts that are not all right. Wherever I go, Ryan will always be with me as an essential piece of how I came to be; a circle of heavell rather than an illusion of perfection. In whatever place you are in, whether an addict or not, all of you will always just be there as well. Why is everything so very heavell? Because the real truth is that its what dreams, life and sobriety are made of; steps, falls, work, celebrations, lessons, feelings, the sometime warriors, teaching, suffering, heavenly expectations and the BLAHS. So there you are and here I am as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who do this well until we don’t; but then it’s merely a matter of time before we will do it well once again. What if you were to tell yourself “I am sorry”; for forgetting that you have always been so much more? Here’s to the mirror and all that can be seen there; especially the things that can help us to be all right.
What came first: the pain, the losses or the substance abuse? From my perspective, Ryan’s substance abuse came first; and my suffering followed. For Ryan, though, it was the pain that lead him to his fall. There are a variety of ways to reach the point of addiction, it’s distinct for each individual, just as there are diverse ways to lift up from it. What steps you take must work for you; regardless of others and especially the non-believers. However, what you do with the all of you can and does make the difference in a life that is so very heavell. So what if a part of you has been consumed by addiction; affecting the anything and the everything on the inside and the outside? There have been moments in my life in which my behaviors and feelings have affected others; perhaps even in devastating ways. Whether an addict or not, we can’t learn and step forward if we don’t perceive of the things that need to change; to be done better today than they had been in the yesterdays. We also can’t step on our trails if we only breathe in the things that can’t be undone, hurt or anger us. No matter who you are, sometimes things don’t go as we had hoped for; you shouldn’t be here and yet you are. Three days before Ryan died, he was breathing on his own; no longer in need of a machine to breathe in and out for him. I had started to believe, having and holding the hope, that he was actually going to come home; working to figure out how we were going to help him to transition in his recovery. In a matter of time that last day, just a very few hours, he developed a gastro bleed and died. The pain and the trauma of that night came out through me, over the first couple of months, in the form of anger; as well as laying down from the weight of the world in my heart. If you fall, then be in the moment by feeling what brought you to that point; it is never ever going to go away even with the use of substances or the apple known as denial. Be amazed by what it actually takes to do that to you. Then be loud in the all of you because you do have it all; a whole circle of heavell made up of a team of parts. As you and I are, we are what dreams are made of; one step, one fall, one breath, one part, one win at a time. My recovery from all of this will take time and so will yours. After all, the heaven moments and pieces are where we celebrate and breathe with ease but hell is where we find our strengths and weaknesses; whether we want to or not.
To Bethany; Thank you for your painting that we used for today’s blog. It has been in Ryan’s room for all of these years; as a reminder of what had been and what was lost through you. The two of you are together once again. Love you, Heavell
It has never ever been said that someone is excited about or looking forward to the hell in life; oh hell yeah! In fact the very aspect of it elicits fear, surprise, denial and pain; which can all be expressed in the form of anger. As it is though, it is a part of a life that is so very heavell. How we deal with the all that has been, or can be, determines how long we will stay there. One part of the whole, or one tree in the forest, can cause a fall into the place that no one aspires to be in; whether an addict or not. The beauty that is located in the shadows of hell is the creation of discovery and change; as well as the sometime warriors. The moments are ours, alone, to have and to hold; learning to be all right no matter where we are. Being in that place is not the same as viewing it from the outside. Even if it seems to be familiar, what makes it different is the individual who has found his or herself there. That person’s parts, moments, feelings and even the BLAH have come together in a distinctive manner; regardless of the similarities to anyone else. Each of us has been tasked with waiting, stepping forward, falling and walking in circles on our trails. Through all of the different perspectives that are available to us, we can view more than what is easily seen from our own positions; helping ourselves and others. What is your perception of this so very heavell life? What feelings have you chained to your words? What if in a moment like this, you were ready to be all right even with fallen parts; whether an addict or not? Here’s to the hope that we will see through you and you will see through us; in ways that lift all of us up to do this better.
I spent some time talking with someone who was feeling overwhelmed by the hell in his life; he is not an addict. He alternated between his feelings carrying the weight of the world and not being of any consequence. Can you understand his behavior? Do you believe that your feelings are significant or not? This person is aware of the greatest hell that has occurred in my life; and that a part of me is still there. As he spoke, he also continually attempted to tell me that his pain did not equal mine. It is amazing how we really can be very much alike when we find ourselves in the place that requires us to feel what is unfamiliar and uncomfortable; and unwanted. However this life is not a comparison especially as it pertains to pain and the dealing with it; because it’s all different on the inside of different people. What does matter, though, is how you feel because your weight of the world has the ability to cause you to fall; just as mine is able to do the same for me. Ryan, for years, did everything he could in order to use drugs and I did all that I could to try and stop him; because lies, denial and tricks aren’t just for drugs. Each day we behaved in the same manner as we had in the yesterdays; while always expecting a different outcome. It was a matter of time before we were able to make it more about us and less about the substances. Change has never ever been that easy and it often takes one little step and one big fall at a time; whether an addict or not. Be in the moment when you are happy but also be there when you are scared; dare to feel it all. Accept that it isn’t always possible to handle life well; to prevent the “f” moments. See you and change what needs to be through the transference of pain and anger into the understanding of yourself; as well as others. Be loud, be amazed and be brave because you are the only one who can through you; as the heavell keeper of your life. I am me and you are you; and we have never ever been all or nothing. Find what you love; in you. Here’s to the hope that we won’t continue to feed the hell; one weed and one flower at a time.
To Ashlee as well as Ryan’s squad: You see through Ryan and he continues to see through you. Thank you for representing Heavell in the NAMI Mental Health walk in New Orleans. See you soon.
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