Whether an addict or not, we breathe into our hearts the things that are not always ours to carry. By doing so, we are then preoccupied with the anything and the everything that has been; preventing ourselves from seeing the view beyond what is in front of us. We have always been so much more than what has happened but it is what we do with the hell, the pain, that holds how and when we go through. In your matter of time, discover what is in your words that you say to yourself; as well as to others. If you react in anger, this is you expressing hurt or fear; even when that pain is from the yesterdays. If you cope through people, places, things or substances, whether an addict or not, this is you looking outside of yourself for relief. If you carry what is not yours to have and to hold, this is you falling or walking in circles when you shouldn’t. If you breathe in brave when you are hurting, this is you believing that you, in the end, will be all right in the moments that are not all right. If you only view a part or moment or feeling, this is you neglecting to treat yourself and others as a whole. If you believe in illusions of perfection, this is you failing to deal with the heaven and the hell equally; in yourself and or others. What if you were to realize that all of your yesterdays, parts and especially the “f” moments are what make you the perfect person to go through on your trail today; and not anyone else? Hell will always be close by because this is you, an essential part, in a life that has always been so very heavell; despite our heavenly expectations. Here’s to you and to me, at times a mess, that are powerful in our words while lifting up and or destroying as sometime warriors along the trail. I am holding on as the mirror continues to show me “this is you”; and it’s not just about the people, places, things, moments, parts or the BLAH that I haven’t handled well.
Take a moment and think about when someone, whether known or unknown to you, acted or reacted to you in a manner that you did not expect. How did it feel? What did you breathe into your heart from that? Over the years, there have been many moments involving others that have surprised, hurt or angered me. At times I have handled them well but there have also been many that I did not; especially in the yesterdays. Those “f” moments happened most often when I was at my loudest; as a reflection of what was in need of being dealt with on the inside of me. It is always easier to deal with others, as well as ourselves, when life is all right; as opposed to bringing hell. The other day I was getting a Starbuck’s drink from one of my favorite baristas. He knows about Ryan’s death and always takes the time to ask me how I am coping; even if weeks have passed since he last saw me. I told him that I am still working through some anger that needs to be transformed into understanding; in regards to the behaviors of others during Ryan’s illness and since his death. He reminded me that I am able to see that they are conveying the place that they are at. He then said “This is you, a person who is able to do this better today than you did yesterday” Can I tell you how much I hated and loved those words? Sometimes I do just want or need to be in my little boxes of feelings. I will eventually go through here and there as only I can while finding the understanding on the inside; where I am the perfect person to do so. Despite the hell, though, there is beauty that can be found wherever I am. People known and unknown have been sharing their view and understanding; lifting the weight of the world for me. There is a reason why our sometime warriors are not always the only ones we need. This is you helping me to stand in my hell and this is me reminding you that you have always been so much more.
Knowing our values of the things that can be found on the inside and the outside of ourselves is not something that is easily seen; especially when those parts and moments hold what carries the weight of the world for us. Finding, then. the understanding, and not the excuse, of how and why we act and react in the manners that we do is equally difficult to discover. When we fall, stand and walk in circles we do so because of the anything and the everything that has come together within each of us; not as it has in someone else. What if you were to realize that the value that you, yourself, have given to every moment and part is what is holding its power over you; feeding the hell as well as illusions of perfection? In addiction, substances initially provide a cathartic relief; helping the user to feel powerful. Over time though, the real truth is that substances become stronger as the user’s voice is pushed further and further into the shadows. The same can also be said about our feelings; regardless of being an addict or not. Strong responses, especially those that involve pain, can at first supply the alleviation of the distress that we need but as those emotions continue to grow, we become weaker; as a part takes control of the whole. Can you accept that the loudest piece in you is a reflection of what is in need of understanding on the inside; but is not all that you are? In your matter of time, you are going to walk in circles with the people, places, things, “f” moments, parts and even the BLAH that you are feeling; until you are ready to see beyond the view that is in front of you. Here and there as you step, you may also fall again as well as feel those parts or substances getting louder once more; within you. In those moments, it’s all right; the beauty of you is that you can lay down in one part and stand up in the next one. That fear, also known as anger and hurt, is a powerful part of us; making us doubt our ability to go through. It is also the reason why our sometime warriors can only be found here and there; needed in hell and not in heaven. This is the perfect moment to love, hate, accept and change every part of you. I will just wait right here or even there while you feel the all of you. Take the hand of courage and that of fear and breathe in brave. Accept that you, as well as others, are not going to do this well in every moment; but tomorrow holds the hope that you will do this better than you did today.
I made the choice to leave town over the holidays as I just couldn’t be in the place that Ryan was no longer at. I knew I was going to feel sad but I also thought that a new place and new memories would make things all right. What I discovered, though, was that all those strong feelings came with me and were still expressed on the outside; as a reflection of the mess on the inside of me. Wherever we go, we will take every moment and every part with us whether we want to or not; its the how and the why we came to be. Fortunately Taylor and Ashlee were with me, as well as others, who were able to let me be as I needed to be; standing over me as I lay in my hell. One of the things that has been tearing at my heart for the past several months is that although I was with Ryan when he died, I didn’t get to say all of the things that I had wanted to; my final words to him in this life. During one of those very tearful discussions about him, Ashlee reminded me that he had always known how I felt; and that I also knew how he did. Those words, made up of my personal emotional definitions, didn’t need to be said because of that. She also said that if I had spoken them it would have caused Ryan to worry about me; and he was already suffering greatly in his “this fucking sucks” moment. Expressing the things that carry the weight of the world for us is important but the power of it can only be changed when we are ready to see the view beyond what is just before us. Otherwise that power will continue to grow in strength as it further weakens us. I hate being a mess at times, having “f” moments and the BLAH. I am fallen and I am standing. I am laughing until my stomach hurts while crying as I never ever have before in my life. I am me and as such I am the only one who can go through here and there; this is my trail. Heavenly expectations are a green truth as hell will always be close by in order to challenge you. It will never ask you if you are ready so be amazed when you fall, walk in circles and or stand; whether an addict or not. Here and there, step by step, a sometime warrior is navigating through a life that is so very heavell. You are the perfect person, as an essential part of the circle, to do this. Happy New Year. Love, Heavell.
Each of us have and hold our own stories as perceived from our positions. Our words, feelings, moments and even the BLAH belong solely to each of us; carrying the weight of the world or not in the heart of each beholder. We are effected by the people, places and things that are on the outside of us; just as we impact what is on the outside of ourselves. It is easy enough to believe we know what the reactions should be to the all that has been; especially when that perception is seen from the outside. However, the things that come into contact with our parts can and do create pain on the inside; the place for it to just be. Do you know, today, what you will do differently with your fear; whether an addict or not? Can you find an understanding for that hell; even for what is hidden in the shadows? Is it possible for you to be amazed at what it has taken to create that mess within you? Are you able to view more than what appears to be the strongest part? What if in this perfect moment you were to realize “Who I am” is while laughing, crying, being afraid and courageous as a whole? Just as we keep adding to our parts with more and more moments, we also chain all of the feelings that have been created by them. It can seem impossible to go through all that has been but there are often essential moments, from the yesterdays, that carry the weight of the world for us. They affect the anything and the everything that is similar and or different; whether we intend them to or not. We may want for others to hear us but the real truth is that we have to notice how our words feel on the inside of us; listening to and experiencing the emotions that they hold within our own hearts. The reason why each of us can only go through in our matter time is because of those personal emotional definitions; specific to our individual so very heavell lives. It matters not what part you see in the mirror, such as an addict or real life princess or student or parent or even the BLAH, but what you feel in every part of you; from the fabulous right down to the failures. As the heavell keeper of your life, the story of “Who I am” can only be told by you; as well as dealt with through you. Please hold on because you have always been so much more than just a part; no matter how big or small those “f” moments may be. I believe in your hell and I see your heaven but then that is “Who I am”. I will just be waiting right here while you get loud in the all of you.
Ryan wrote, on the center of a piece of paper, the words “Who I am”. All around that title were the words that he believed described the all of him; as felt in the heart of the beholder. The honesty of those descriptive words showed what place he had been in when he wrote them; having found an understanding for his hell and the belief in his little bit of heaven once again. It’s simple enough to be an illusion of perfection, to hide the real truth, but it is has never ever been easy to see the so very heavell individuals that we each are; nor to admit that we are the perfect people to bring hell to ourselves and or others. It’s all right that you have forgotten who you are; whether an addict or not. The view becomes complicated by the things that are on the outside but especially by what is on the inside of us; making it difficult to step. If you are aware of the pain, find the beauty by locating the understanding for how you came to be in the place that you are; and breathe in brave. What has been done cannot be undone but we do not have to continue to feed the hell. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? They are more than just the description of people, places and things. They have and hold every moment and feeling of you. They are a view into the story of “Who I am”; especially of what has been in the yesterdays. You need to hear and feel you; in order to remove the strength of what hurts. No amount of altering, hiding or denying will ever change the real truth of that; whether an addict or not. Here’s to your sometime warrior, “f” moments, pain, beauty and as the perfect person to love, hate, accept and change every part of you. Please hold on because tomorrow will be here soon and the view just might become clearer once you get loud in the “Who I am”; also known as the all of you.
Heavell will be taking a leave over the holidays for two weeks. We are going to take this time to take Ryan on some adventures that he had wanted to do; getting loud in who he was for him. We are going to laugh, cry, be afraid and have courage while continuing to learn how to step. Being without him in our lives is an unbelievable hell but having had him also holds so many moments of heaven. Today will be the same as yesterday if we focus on only a part or only have heavenly expectations in a life that is so very heavell; for each of us. No matter what has happened in the yesterdays, we have to treat all of it equally. We hope that you will find the beauty that can be located wherever you are; because its simply you regardless of what is on the outside. Laugh until your stomach hurts, cry for what has hurt and be kind as you step, walk in circles and fall along the trail. Please hold on as an essential part of the circle of heavell; a story that can only be told from your position. Every dream matters whether here or not. See you soon in the next year. Love, Heavell
In order to take steps, we have to have some idea of what we expect to achieve or at the very least have a thought on where we want to go. What happens, though, when what we want or hope for is complicated by not only what is on the outside of ourselves but also by what is on the inside? Substances give the illusion that they are the problem but the real truth is that they are only one of the parts of the circle of that hell. Both addiction and sobriety contain beginnings and endings. They each also hold destruction and lifting up, fear and courage, as well as light and darkness. It has always been easier to focus on what is directly in front of us, especially when concrete, but often what we view is only the start; of what we have yet to discover along the trail. In the beginning of using substances, no one imagines that in the tomorrows they will become an addict; seeing only what is currently in front of them or the need of it. At the start of sobriety, it is all but impossible to conceive of being someone who no longer holds the very thing that has been defining him or her. Both also contain pain in the early stages as the altering of one’s self begins; for the better or for the worse. But whether sober or not, stepping or walking in circles, all of it stays with us wherever we go; to use to lift us up or to destroy ourselves in the yesterdays, today and the tomorrows. What is in your view now? How far are you able to see? If the “f” moments and the pain are close by, what can you find on the inside as well that is a little bit of heaven? Within the strongest parts of addiction are the feelings of failure, of being less than, but located in that hell is also the beauty of you. What if in this perfect moment you were to see what is before you but also know that it is not all that there is; nor all that you are? Some of this so very heavell life will have hell, whether you want it to or not, and some will hold heaven. It is your ability to find the understanding for you, to hear your little boxes of feelings, that determines what your matter of time is in either place; and whether you return there in this moment or the next or even the next one. Here’s to you and the view before you as the heavell keeper of your life. Be amazed because as a sometime warrior, it has never ever been that easy for you to fall nor to stand. It’s all right that you have forgotten who you are because the view is complicated by illusions of perfection; as well as having and holding heavenly expectations. I am me and you are you and each of us are essential for our views on the circle of heavell; whether an addict or not.
As the perfect people to bring hell, we also have the proficiency to bring heaven; for ourselves as well as for others. Ryan’s death brought me to a place that I have never ever been in before. It has been incredibly hard to view anything beyond the loss of him; despite life continuing on all around me. He, however, had the insight that even in death life persists. True to his generous nature of giving, even if it meant he would have nothing, Ryan had wanted to be an organ donor so that others would have the ability to live. Despite the hell in his life, he viewed the heaven too. Whether he was able to contribute to the lives of others or not in his death is not something we know of at this point. Knowing that one of the strongest parts of him was seen and heard in the end brings a grace to the hell. In honor of Ryan and the view that he has helped us to see, I would like to introduce to you a beautiful, young woman named Dana Fahey. She has been on dialysis for almost five years. As she turns 32 this month, she is hoping that someone will give her the gift of life through a kidney donation; her blood type is O+. Despite being in a hell that no matter what she does will remain, until that donation of course, Dana is able to bring the heaven to the others in her life; with a sense of humor. Can you imagine the pain she must feel as she walks in circles in the hell of it? Of course we can find the similarities to each of our hells despite the differences; as the weight of the world is in the heart of the beholder. Giving the gift of a kidney to someone else is a part of our ability to be sometime warriors who use our superpowers to lift others when they have fallen; because we have always been so much more. If you or someone else is interested in helping Dana be able to step in her hell, please contact Stephen Knapik at 1(631) 444-6944. You can also follow her on her Facebook page; a kidney for Christmas
Got Heavell? Of course you do but it’s the view in front of you that just might make you think you don’t. It’s all right. I will wait right here while you find you. Please hold on as you go through as only you can in your matter of time.
The difficulties that each of us face on our trails in this so very heavell life are unlike anyone else’s; despite the similarities that can and do live there. What we can find, though, in those familiar moments is an awareness for someone else’s pain; or a happiness for the celebrations. We cannot, however, decide how a person should feel or even cope through the things that can carry the weight of the world for that individual. There is a distinct difference between having an excuse for the choices we make and holding an understanding of how those choices came to be. The first one continues the cycle and the second one opens us up to change. There are reasons for why we feel the way we do; having come together as only they can on the inside of each of us. If we use the apples known as judgement, justification and denial, those causes will keep us chained to the hell; helping to create the victims and the monsters within ourselves and or others. By seeing the moments that have happened in our lives and our reactions to them, we can find grace for ourselves; as well as for others. We are then able to take the power away from those so very painful moments of the yesterdays; to become stronger from the hell. I understand how Ryan came to the point where he turned to drugs to cope in his life. It was a painful process getting there for him as well as for myself. I am also able to perceive of how the non-believers came to judge him and his choices in life; while denying their own. That insight is meant to help give us another perspective from another position; even if it is a green truth. Knowing the pieces of how we fell yesterday, whether an addict or not, enables us to step differently in the tomorrows; to bring about the change for the better. Somewhere along the way, we each have judged, excused, hidden and enabled the very things that we actually needed to find an understanding for. When we are in a place that we do not want to be in, it is hard to breathe, be brave and to step; feeling overwhelmed by the anything and the everything. Who better to see and to speak about the all that has come together on the inside than you? And then to change that? It’s all right that you haven’t coped well in life; hell has never ever been an easy place to just be. What if you were to love, hate, accept and change every part of you? You are a circle of heavell and as such you are a whole; regardless of what others may say or you believe. Here’s to me, Ryan, the non-believers, as well as you as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who have and hold both heaven and hell; on the inside as well as the outside of us. In different and similar moments, we are the dreams and the nightmares that are essential along the way; who fall into hell and stand with the help of our sometime warriors. Please hold on to you because you are the beauty that can be found no matter where you are.
The most important perception of the all that has been is found on the inside of ourselves; and yet we look to the outside for confirmation. If we don’t listen to the voices from our little boxes of feelings, we become fractured; walking in circles or even altering our state of being. Sometimes in that need to be perceived of, we place our values on others or accept what they say of us; even when it may be a green truth. Ryan was unheard in some of the moments, unseen in others and blamed for what was not his to carry; on the inside and the outside of him. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do everyday; sometimes in secret and at other times publicly but always painfully. In any given moment, there is you and there are others who each see from their position but what is not there is the consideration of every part; of everyone. What is in my words will not change this for anyone else but me. What is in yours, though, holds your superpower or fall as the heavell keeper of your life; whether an addict or not. Tell me how you feel so that I may know you and view what you see from your position. More importantly, though, speak so that you may remember the all of you. You are the perfect person to understand you and to share that; in your matter of time. Be amazed at what it has taken for you to fall and to rise; because they have never ever been simple things to do. Go through, as only you can, so that you may do this better; at the very least for you. A mess on the inside can be seen through words and actions but sometime warriors exist just for those moments, parts and the BLAH; in order to help lift us up. So what if there are “f” moments along the way? It only matters if you continue to feed the hell rather than pick your own weeds; and smell your own flowers. The beauty is that you have always had a little bit of heaven in you but you have to look in your mirror to see it. Hold on because another moment is coming and it has always mattered what you do with them; as an essential part of the circle of heavell.
What do you want from yourself that can only be found on the inside of you? Do you only want to be just a part or would you rather be a whole; whether an addict or not? In this so very heavell life, the challenge is to see the all of ourselves; as well as that of others. There are things that we do, say and are that even in a moment can imply who we are to other people; and to ourselves. Often though what is thought to be known is the green truth rather than the real truth about us. In a matter of time, a sometime warrior can be a mess and a mess can be a sometime warrior. I have been both separately and together; the perception of which has not been easily seen nor understood. Imagine if you will the moment that you realized that you, or a loved one, had become an addict. That desperate time when we realize that a substance has become the strongest part is when we feel fear take ahold of our hearts; for both an addict and a non-addict. It is the beginning of a painful process of learning to cope through a place we do not want to be in. A part of falling into that hell is the inability to see the real truth; taking its matter of time in each of us. The apples known as denial and enabler keep us walking in circles. What they provide is the ability for our hearts and minds to do what we are capable of at the time; while having and holding the weight of the world. Hope can also be found there through the desire that tomorrow will be all right even though today is not. A green truth is that we can’t be a sometime warrior while facilitating addiction. How, when and if we step moves from our personal knowledge that is lifted only when we each feel the capacity to do so; feeling strong enough to change. It seems easy enough to tell addicts to just stop using substances or to communicate to others to quit enabling them. It has, however, never ever been that simple in a life that is so very heavell on the inside and the outside of us. We can understand, though, that if we behave today as we did yesterday, and do so again tomorrow, that things will not likely change for the better. If you are scared then just say you are because that is courage and fear; as well as strength and vulnerability. An illusion of perfection can be a mess on the inside while a mess can hold a superpower within his or her parts. Be loud in the heaven and the hell of you; giving voice to every part. Please hold on because the hope is that in the next moment, you will say the words that an essential person, you, needs to hear; from you. Here’s to you and here’s to me. May we pick our own weeds while smelling our own flowers so that being a mess helps us to be amazed and laugh as we step and fall on the trail in heavell.
The definition of enable is to give someone the means to do something. The heaven of that is to empower a person to stand; through positive and informative support. One of the hells of that word is to facilitate the substance abuse of someone; or some other negative behavior. What is hidden in those meanings is that we often want to and believe that we are helping; as there is so much more between both of those realms. My enabling has changed over the years but I still do it every single day. I am working towards using the heaven side of it more often. It is a process of discovery and falls; just like an addict has to go through. What if you were to think about how your enabling is helping or harming someone? What if in this perfect moment you were to discover how you feel about it? Can you enable yourself to do this better by seeking the support that you need; in order to be stronger? We seek to label things but often we limit ourselves and others by doing so; ensuring that we remain and they stay chained to hell. Here’s to you and here’s to me as we all enable along the way. It’s a mess learning what words mean on the inside of us. The uncomfortableness of that hell, though, is where our connection can be found. Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for the addiction that has been in my life; as the superpower that has been teaching me to see and feel more than I ever imagined. Please hold on because you are finding the perfect you.
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