While our minds hold our words that explain what we surmise of people, places, things and ourselves, our hearts carry the weight of the world in how all of it feels. In turn, what we are thinking and experiencing on the inside will then be expressed to the outside where it will be added to our moments as well as those of others. As in a cycle, the order of actions and reactions will continue to repeat as they work together to either feed the hell and or the heaven. That same view can also be found when we walk in circles or close doors in order to avoid what makes us uncomfortable; especially if that field of vision is of a mess. There are literally hundreds and hundreds of words and feelings that can actually narrate just the stories of addiction. After all, despite our similarities and overlapping, each person holds a different truth through his or her individual encounters of the “f” moments, beauty and adversity. What’s in-between has always been as important today as it was yesterday and it will still matter tomorrow; either for the right reasons or for the wrongs ones. The quality of the words that you say to yourself on the inside have always held more power than anything on the outside of you ever can; even more than those tricky substances. In this kind of life, the personal emotional definition of words has always been something that came from somewhere whether others agree or not. So what do you say in the place that needs you most? Turn around and find understanding for yourself through a different truth. If you have fallen then you are in the process of rising; in your matter of time. If you are stepping, what door do you need to open in order to continue to go through? If you have been judged by others, what do you need to forgive yourself for? If you see weeds, what about you holds the beauty of flowers? If you have failed to show up for yourself, what part can you now be there for? As you are, a different truth means that you hold more than one personal definition for each word, moment and feeling; a balance. It’s what you have been doing, though, with the anything and the everything that has been giving hell a different truth. I have that feeling that it’s going to be all right but we need to go that way or maybe it’s that way. Oh hell maybe we should just turn around and go in-between where the details have always mattered in every given moment; especially the ones from yesterday.
Understanding differing views within ourselves and through the perspective of others is complicated by personal values that are used to decipher the meaning of words and limit the ability to hear more than what is being said. I chose this painting for today’s blog for a particular reason. The simple answer appears to be that the picture is of a landscape but that is not actually what it is. This painting is the reflection of any number of things as felt in the heart of each beholder who views it. It could depict the trail of addiction, the repeating of what has already been, a heart, that feeling, a life that is so very heavell, personally defined words, a mess, a fall, hell, the journey of a sometime warrior, again and again or whatever. To be certain, it’s what you perceive of and then connect with that matters. If, however, you feel it expresses the things that hold pain, then find a different truth. If your field of vision is that it is the journey of a sometime warrior, find a different truth. It’s simple, no matter what you see, find a different truth. Just as this painting holds more than what is easily seen, as well as everything else in-between, so do you so find a different truth. This is you and this is me but we don’t always look like this; sometimes its better but at other times its even worse. So what? In some moments I see and feel the hell just like you; especially in the place that needs me most. However, the fact and the opinion is that within my superpowers is the ability to change what hurts into understanding; just like you. No matter what you think or feel, find a different truth that helps you see the whole rather than just a part. After all, even sometime warriors express fear through anger and believe the appearance of those tricky words and substances. But if you breathe in the balance of you, even the biggest “f” moment won’t keep you from viewing more than just what is in front of you; whether you have failed or been fabulous. What is in the quality of the words that you say? I am going to wait right here while you give voice to your hundreds and hundreds of words and feelings. It’s all right in a life that is so very heavell as long as a different truth comes from the nothing that came from nowhere in the place that needs you most. Otherwise it’s just more words whose values don’t reflect the details of who you are and how you came to be one moment at a time. In other words, it’s not what has been but rather what you have done with it on the inside that has given hell a different meaning.
It can be difficult to understand how we got here but if we turn around, there is a lot to listen to from the yesterdays. After all, it has always been easier to close doors, to say that it doesn’t matter or to hide things in the shadows rather than go through what makes us uncomfortable. However those things have the ability to repeatedly effect the building of our wholes and need to be heard. Whether an addict or not, what holds the strongest voice for you? What one word would you then use to describe that particular part? In-between what we see and what we feel is the balance of being destroyed and lifted up. It is the position where there is understanding that being lost is a part of the process of being found or just another “f” moment. It is the site that holds a fall as the beginning of a rise or a tumble into a darkness where light cannot be found. It is also the place where walking in circles always happens before steps or it is the repeating of today what has already been in the yesterdays. If you are going to breathe in the mess, then open the door so that what’s in-between can be seen rather than continue to grow in the darkness. This is you and this is me. We do not always look like this because sometimes it’s worse and at other times it is better. If it seems like yesterday, then perhaps it is if you are still trying to go through without all of your details; especially the painful ones. No matter what group(s) you belong to, a mess is still a mess and beauty is still beauty. What appears to be for certain is really just the beginning of what else can be found wherever you are. After all, that nothing that came from nowhere has always been something in the place that needs you most. Here’s to listening and to saying all that is required while understanding that the value is in the heart of each beholder. Here’s to the hope that as you go along your trail in a life that is so very heavell, you will breathe in both the flowers and the weeds as well as everything else in-between.
As the mother of a former heroin addict, thief, liar and manipulator for the hell, there is an “f” word that others have used to describe both Ryan and I; overlapping our groups. What do you imagine that term is? Has that word ever been used to describe you as well? That term happens to be a facilitator of the hell through the placing of values on stories that are complicated by those tricky details and or substances; while not seeing or hearing those things. While the intent of using that word is to judge the merit of the receiver, hidden within it are other definitions. Depending upon what moments and feelings you have chained to that term, your view will either place you in this group or that one or perhaps the one that is in-between. What we can understand, together and separately, is that each reference includes falling but what is not as easily seen is that some also hold the beauty of an unfolding rise or change. What is in the words that you say but also in the terms that you hear? If you connect with only the pain of a person, word, part, moment or messy room, then you are feeding the hell on the inside and the outside. If the real truth is that you have in part fallen, failed or are flawed, then consent to the other real truth which is that you are also in the comfortably uncomfortable state of change for your matter of time. You can continue to hide things and close doors or find more by seeing and hearing beyond what is just in front of you. This is me and I am an “f” moment maker that includes flaws as well as fabulousness. My personal emotional definition of those two terms and everything else in-between makes me who I am. This is you and at times our groups overlap because while the details of a feeling may be created and defined in many ways, it still lives in the place that needs us most; and we can all understand that. Every word, moment, part and feeling holds heaven and hell for us to find but its our view that keeps us walking in circles or fallen for longer than we should be. Turn around because what’s in-between is as important today as it was yesterday. I am just going to wait right here while you see me in you and you in me regardless of our stories. After all, it’s the kind of life where boxes of tissues are needed for laughing until our stomachs hurt, the pain that is often expressed through fear and anger as well as everything else that can be found in-between. See you soon. Love Heavell
Our moments, along with the influence of others, is how we add our personal feelings to words to make them our own. Each and every word is then a part of our connection to others or what separates us and at other times can overlap our groups. How do you feel about the word substances? Is the knowledge of others different than your own? Based upon the values that you have placed on those materials, you are joined with the others who also agree with that designation. Located in the other groups are those with the exact opposite opinion and then the ones that hold everything else in-between. What if you were trying to get someone to be a part of your group but his or her personal definition did not hold the same view? How can understanding be found if we don’t feel the same about a variety of things; especially those parts that involve hurt and fear? The answer lies in the details that we most often are unaware of or don’t even listen to. After all, we don’t have to be in the same group, nor have the same moments, in order to recognize a feeling and then know what that means to the place that needs us most. Messy rooms hold more than what can be seen on the surface. In the clutter there are things that need to be put in the right location and others that should be discarded, donated or recycled. There can be items that bring tears of laughter and or pain from the memories that they hold. Also breathing in those rooms is a sense of exasperation, being overwhelmed, no idea where to start and even an “f” word or two or three. Now change the title of the group from messy rooms to addicts and you will find all the same things on the inside. Now turn around and replace addicts with substances. Even substances have initially held fond memories before changing into a mess; they are tricky like that. This is you and this is me and we are not always like this; sometimes its worse and in other moments its better. Hurt and fear, often expressed through anger, leads us to believe that only our group(s) can perceive of us. The details are important, however, because while they separate us, they also bring us together and overlap us when we recognize that a title or a part is just a green truth; whether an addict or not. Those details provide us the understanding of the view beyond what is just in front while facilitating us to step into change. I’m going to wait right here while you recognize me in you and you in me because of the details; similar and different while together and not together. In this kind of life, the details may make words our own but a mess on the inside is still a mess regardless of where it can be found. Here’s to listening as the details find their voice rather than just shutting the door again and again.
My personal definition of substances was very limited when I was young and the word addiction meant nothing to me. My view grew slightly when my ex-husband began using on a consistent basis. When Ryan became involved with drugs I did not understand what it meant for him because of what I had personally defined as substances and the uses of them; my moments versus his. What was your perception of substances and addiction in the yesterdays? How has it changed today? Even though we were in different groups, what Ryan and I had in common in his addiction was the word lost. We stood on opposite sides while believing the greatest value lay within our personal definition. That controversary pushed the similarity into the shadows making it impossible to see and to listen to what would have created steps towards understanding each other. Imagine while lost on a trail you encounter another lost person. Initially you both cry tears of happiness because you are not alone; whether an addict or not. Then the two of you begin to discuss the details of how each of you went missing. As those little boxes of feelings find their voice, each of you get louder and louder trying to convince the other of the greater value of what has been. The two of you then part ways because of the details. Each are now alone and shedding tears of anger from the fear and the pain as well as that feeling of not being understood. What is in the words that you say but also what is in the words that you hear? Do you place values on others that come from your details rather than actually from those who hold the stories? Are you trying to get someone to join your group instead of seeing that the overlapping holds the key to understanding; regardless of the details or values? This is me an “f” moment maker who has been lost while getting loud with my pain and fear. I don’t always look like this because even as I have fallen, I have also walked in circles and stepped again and again. This was also Ryan as he held that nothing that came from nowhere in the place that needed him most. I wanted him to go that way because he had lost himself by going the other way but his view had been different than mine was. However the more he gave voice to his story without my personal definitions and values, the more he was able to go through exactly where he needed to. In his matter of time, he was the one who eventually found the beauty that existed wherever he was; changing the power of the hell that he had defined on the inside. Say what words mean to you and how they came to hold all that they do. Even if those details appear to show only the differences with others, the real truth is that we are often just alike; whether an addict or not. After all, we are the perfect people to turn around to listen to what can’t be seen. Oh hell it all matters because a part can never equal a whole no matter what anyone else says. If you are going to breathe in the mess, then also feel the details of how your flowers grow amongst the weeds. Unless of course you continue to go that way because the details are limiting your view of yourself and others. It’s all right if sometimes you are only holding the hand of fear because those details hurt. Got heavell? Of course you do even if you are lost and are trying to find your value. The fact and the opinion is that you have all that you need in the form of words, feelings and moments to find your way on the trail. It’s going to be the kind of day where sometime warriors fall and stand in a place that we personally define the hell and the heaven in any given moment. I am just going to wait right here in case you need some tissues when you locate the beauty of a messy room and a life that is so very heavell.
Words from others have the potential to help us feel better, experience adversity or confirm what we believe already exists in the place that needs us most. What appears to be simple and easy is very complicated when we are living in hell. Adding to that confusion is the part where we can’t make sense of why things have happened; whether an addict or not. Imagine that in your home everything can be found where you want it to be except for one room. That part of the whole is a mess that has been created by you and others. How do you feel about it? Does that include being lost in how to begin to implement change? What happens if it becomes messy again and again despite your best efforts to leave it better than you found it? Over time, we will eventually hide, deny and lie about the shambles of a home, a part of ourselves or even a heavell life. We do this in the hopes that others will not see our “f” moments and use their words to judge what they have decided is the definer of us. This is you and this is me and we do not always look like this; sometimes its worse and at other times it is better. That feeling of being overwhelmed and the pain that comes with it is a good thing even if it doesn’t appear to be. That feeling that you get when you have fallen is another part of the journey of change. Oh hell, if your feeling scared it’s because you know you are walking in circles and that’s what makes it hard to breathe. Have that understanding with yourself that it is all right to be together and not together. As we are, we are the perfect people to leave things better than we find them even if it requires again and again and again. We can turn around to the yesterdays to make sense of how today came to be in the place that needs us most. So grab some tissues and get ready for the fall on the roller coaster of a so very heavell life. Those weeds and the messes that you hate are the creators of sometimes warriors and beautiful flowers so you might as well consent to accepting them. The power of what hurts can be found in the place that we are trying to keep from being seen; otherwise known as that feeling. Closing the door won’t change whatever is living there. Let’s just hope that as we go through the darkness, we will see it as a way to leave ourselves better than just the appearance of things being where we want them to be. After all, the hell, whether in the mind, the heart or a room, is still hell regardless of the details.
Fear is an intense experience that connects our mind and heart together even though each has it’s way of knowing it. But while we can agree on what it is on the inside of ourselves, we often do not view fear as the same thing that others believe it is. We can even feel panicked if someone else’s fear has the ability to effect us; whether an addict or not. We will then breathe in what we shouldn’t and add to the mess of that room, part or heavell life; rather than just listening as it finds its voice and way. After all, we are actually seeking agreement on what fear is from those that have been a part of how we came to define it to begin with. How can understanding be found if the creation of that word is not the same for all of us? The real truth is that the hell has always had the ability to feed itself whether we have intended to be a part of that or not. That nothing that came from nowhere has always been somewhere because it lives as a reminder that things are not always what they should be or where we think they are. What if in this given moment you were to understand that while fear is painful, it is also showing the way to go through? What if every time you experience a feeling or think of a moment, you were to also find the opposite view? By treating the heaven and the hell of every word and emotion equally, you can find the balance between the opinions and the facts because of and for you. I am me as a strong, sometime warrior who is powerful enough to change the hell and you are you, regardless of the details, with the same abilities. Now turn around because we are also the perfect people to make a shamble of a home or a part or whatever; again and again and again. That feeling of being lost means that you are in the process of being found. What’s not there though is your ability to do this without experiencing that feeling or all the other ones as well. It’s like hoping a room is clean just because a drawer is or wanting weeds to not grow in the fertile soil of the flowers beds. If you are going to do what I say, then get ready for the fall because you can’t change without doing so; whether an addict or not. Yesterday is gone, even though we still feel it today, but tomorrow holds the hope that the view will be beyond what is just in front for all of us. I am going to wait right here while you get your tissues because that feeling is going to be exactly what you think and feel it will be. But to be certain, make sense of your own words and emotional definitions. Whatever it is, though, it’s going to be all right even if sometimes its worse rather than better. After all, every day angels fall and sometime warriors stand and all of it occurs in a life that is so very heavell. Oh hell, I just know its going to be that kind of day as we move towards change.
When we express words and behaviors, especially those with loud voices, we are sharing to the outside the sound of the hurt that can be found on the inside. For those on the exterior, those moments can appear to be the all rather than the green truth that they actually are. After all, what is seen on the surface is simple enough to view while the real truth is very complicated and often hidden. If we stay in that easy place for far too long though, we are the facilitators of some of the “f” moments by not going through. We are also ensuring that the hell will always be close by as that sight is also used to define a whole as being just a part. One of the hardest things to do is to be there for others when they are not together especially if we are not as well. In this kind of life, there are moments when our sometime warriors need to stand while others fall, to be kind when they can’t find the words to lift themselves up and to listen when they are being loud. Have you ever asked someone what he or she was feeling to have said or behaved in a manner that was challenging or detrimental? Or did your feelings prevent you from doing so; whether an addict or not? This is you and this is me finding the balance through facts and opinions on the inside and the outside. We are breathing in the words and feelings that we shouldn’t while forgetting that there is so much more to each of our stories than what can be perceived of from the surface. To be certain your view is beyond what is just in front of you, have that understanding that if it seems like yesterday, it probably is and it’s time to look in the mirror; whether an addict or not. A part can never ever equal a whole even if you treat the nothing that came from nowhere as the only something that holds the words that you heard. In a life that is so very heavell, fear is often expressed as anger, pain holds beauty and words carry the hidden weight of the world.
What words come to mind when you think of your pain; whether an addict or not? How do they feel in your heart where they actually facilitate your walking in circles? What do you believe it will take to change what can be found there? The connection that we seek from the outside can often help us but it also can continue to feed the hell when we are unable to just do as they say; because it has never ever been that simple. Every word holds heaven and hell but how it breathes in our hearts is affected by what has been chained to each through our individual journeys. Those perceptions are in the heart of each beholder regardless of any similarities or differences that others may know, perceive of or even the steps that they have taken. No matter what we hope for, change cannot occur without our understanding how we came to define words in the place that holds what hurts and requires boxes of tissues even when we are laughing. The problem is not in what we feel, it’s all valid, but in what we do with how we feel; lifting up or destroying on the inside and the outside. What do you experience when someone tells you to not be sad or angry or even to just stop using substances? How about when you are told to just think heavenly thoughts? Are you all right after hearing those words or do those little boxes of feelings become even louder in you as you experience another “f” moment? If you are going to do as I say, then get ready for the fall because you can’t change the power of the hell until you know why you are feeding it. Turn around because it is all right to be scared, brave, fallen and angry while having superpowers you don’t know how to use just yet. Oh hell, the question is what do you want to do now with what is in the words that you say? Whatever that is, just don’t stay in or with people, places and things that encourage you to forget your whole story through their words; especially those tricky substances. You are a sometime warrior because this kind of life believes that you are the perfect person to take your nothing that came from nowhere and leave it better than you found it. I’m just going to wait right here in case you start getting loud while being certain about the facts and the opinions of your words and how they feel. After all, being there for yourself and for others is both painful and beautiful in a life that is so very heavell.
Although the weight of the world holds different meanings in each of our stories, understanding what pain feels like in our hearts is the connection that brings us together. How that hurt is expressed, though, is where we separate into our perspective groups. After all, pain is often felt and shared in manners that destroy rather than lift up; each of us have our way of doing so. While those detrimental ways have never been in the best interest of anyone, our judgement of what appears to be “f” moments in the coping of suffering only further feeds the very hell we seek to stop. In what way do you choose to express what your heart holds; whether an addict or not? How loud do you get when doing so? Is it really the way you should continue to go? As we are, we tend to see the effect of the hell in relation to ourselves rather than the cause of how it all came to be to begin with. The view of that outcome then prevents us from seeing anything other than what is just in front of us; a part rather than the whole. However in order to be certain of what is there, we must be able to listen to what is not easily seen nor said. For our matter of time we will cope in ways that we shouldn’t as we discover how to give voice to what our hearts carry; and until the power of the hell is changed. To be certain that it is possible, take the nothing that came from nowhere and turn it into something beautiful; also known as the understanding of the connection that pain holds for all of us. This is you and this is me in this so very heavell life where the sound of what hurts will always be loud until we turn around and find the cause. Oh hell, there’s going to be a lot of falling, stepping and walking in circles as we face new adversities with fear and courage; and some anger as well. I’m just going to wait right here for the facts and the opinions to be certain of how many boxes of tissues are going to be needed in order to go through. Unless, of course, you think we should go that way instead? To be certain though, we need help from our sometime warriors, the place that needs us most and others. The beauty that can be found in this world is never ever located in just one person, place, thing or view for it holds each of us and all that we are as the bringers of hell and the beholders of heaven. As individuals who are together and not together, we have to decide which one we will facilitate on the inside and the outside in any given moment.
It’s been a year since I have had the thought to reach out to one of my favorite artist, vocalist, and inspirational writer whose view of this life helps me to see what I am not always aware of. Tyler Jenkins, also known as MellowVibe, shared a new video of his music and words with me this week. Previously, I used his words “Take a walk in my shoes, tell me what you see as me” in a blog from a year ago. His words can be altered in this perfect moment to include “Tell me what you feel as me” as we work to understand the pain and the hell; whether an addict or not. Thank you @TylerJenkins for stepping as I was walking in circles. You are a reminder to never stop listening, seeing and feeling; even when it hurts.
From Tyler to all of us: Every day some new destruction. Every month some new discussion. Turn on the tv all I see is riots, looting, fighting, shooting, buildings burning. Kids are seein what we are doin. What are they learning?
I’m all for the cause. But I’m not about the effect. We need to come together. Get this pain off of all of our chests. We all want the same thing. For life to go back to the norm. But that can’t happen if we stay feeding the storm.
Their lives it wasn’t just a tragic loss. It was a wake up call to us all. How many more gotta fall? Tired of this I’m through with it all. But I can’t make you stop. I just hope you practice what you preach. Maybe one day we can all just live in peace.
Those words are what Tyler feels about the adversity found today but the real truth is that they are also a view into the understanding of the cause and effect of addiction; or any given hell for that matter. What is in the words that you say? To be certain, here’s to the hope that they hold the balance of the all that you are and will be; rather than what appears to be the nothing that came from nowhere.
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