Over the years, life is chained together on the inside of us; filled with our moments and feelings. It can feel as if there is never enough time to just be in the places that we love and always too many moments in the positions that we don’t want to be in. The real truth is that the best place to begin has always been right where you are; even if you hate being there. Step inside where you live so that you may find the understanding for what exists in the place that only you can see. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? Whatever those words hold, all of it is waiting to be accepted by you. Can you do so especially when your words are filled with “f” moments, hurt, fear, anger and the BLAH? Part of your beauty can be found in your steps, walking in circles and even the falls; no matter the size or strength. You have always been so much more than what can be viewed right in front of you but this is you disappearing on the inside when you don’t believe in what your words hold for you. This is me and this is you finding our way in a life that is so very heavell. Have that moment of fear but also have that perception of courage that exists there as well; both live within you just as heaven and hell do. Have that fall, in your matter of time, but hold on because, in another moment or the next, it will be all right. What if you went word by word to see and feel the most powerful person in your life? Can you consent to being a circle of heavell; rather than just feeling and feeding the hell? A part can bring down a whole but it’s what your not dealing with that’s keeping you in the position that you don’t want to be in. Will you continue to have that or will you consent to being the beholder of heaven as well? I will wait right here with a box of tissues because addiction has always just been the green truth about essential and valuable circles of heavell. Together as a whole, let’s laugh and cry as hard as we exist word by defining word.
What the word addiction means to each of us is often confined to the place that we are at; existing in our positions as well as the pain, anger, beliefs and the BLAH. By only seeing the vision that is before us though, we continue to feed the hell; whether that is our intent or not. Is it a choice or is it a disease? No matter how much we consent to the green truth, a part or some parts can never ever equal a whole. Just as we need to listen to the all of ourselves, there is value in going through what can be perceived of from the positions of others; but never to be breathed into our hearts as our own perception. Have that understanding of yourself, word by word, but if its keeping you in the same place, as in walking in circles, then its time to view beyond what is just in front of you; which at times requires the words of others. To do this well, we have to be willing to recognize that we are the perfect people to bring hell. At times we have such a need to be heard that we fail to just listen to ourselves; and to do so for others. There is a saying that we use to empower our words “the truth hurts”. Those words, just like giving unwanted tissues and having a limited view, imply “I am not listening to how you feel nor to what you may see; especially when it is different from my own”. They consent to the continuing of cycles that repeat the yesterdays; despite expecting a different outcome today. This is me and this is you and we are existing through our words in a life that is so very heavell. Don’t fear being in the perfect place to step inside where you are or to hear words that hold distinct feelings for others. Adversity is a part of hell but it’s what you do with it that determines if it will become a step on the journey to heaven or not. The beauty has always been in your ability to change what you hate into what you love by going through; transferring the pain into understanding. Oh hell just be a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person who falls down, steps and walks in circles; while dragging chains filled with moments, feelings and words. Be the person who can speak from the inside and listen to the outside for you. I am sorry but you are going to need to have that box of tissues for yourself. I’m still finding my way, word by defining word, and there are going to be a lot more tears; for the yesterdays, for today and most likely for the tomorrows. Its all right because I am just being me; breathing in brave while picking my weeds and smelling my own flowers. See you soon. Love, Heavell
The hell and or addiction are not just the results of feelings, perceptions or the BLAH but instead are a part of existing in a life that is so very heavell. We consent to them being the strongest parts in our lives; just waiting for the perfect moment for us to turn around or fall. Even in those moments that we are able to breathe, we know they are always near by; through our having and holding pain as well as fear. What is your personal emotional definition of either one? How do you feel in your heart when you say what they mean to you? One of the ways in which we cope through either place is by walking in circles; repeating words, feelings and actions. In our matter of time, we will often stay too long in the place that we shouldn’t; whether that’s heaven or hell. This is me and this is also you finding our way in a life that is so very heavell. In order to stand, we have to view beyond where there have been falls. It has never ever been that simple to find the answers in only one place; because a part cannot equal a whole. You have always been the perfect person to change the existence of hell or addiction within you; step by step, fall by fall while also walking in those circles. This is the moment or the next or even the next to locate what is in your heart, your words and your actions. Listen, life on the outside will never ask you on the inside if you are ready for what it will bring; or even if you want it. However, the mirror, your sometime warrior and all of your parts are waiting right there for whenever you are ready to go through; as only you can. You are not alone, even in a room full of people, because you have always had it all. Can you look at you and see that you have always been so much more? Please hold on because it has always been all right to just be you. After all, as you are, you are the reason beauty can be found existing in hell and addiction.
Often when someone cries, we offer tissues so that the tears may be wiped away and the nose may be blown. That simple act of handing tissues to another, though, has the ability to bring hell. Say what? On the surface is the appearance of caring, however, those personal emotional definitions hold what that action actually means on the inside for each person. Some may view that being given tissues is an indication that the other person is uncomfortable with his or her crying. While some may feel as if their articulation of pain is being controlled; even devalued. Regardless of our intent, how someone else experiences our words and actions is an inside existence. Look at you and find your meaning, your real truth, of giving or being handed tissues; not the appearance of it nor the dictionary definition of it. Understand that others, even a room full of people, may not feel the same way you do. It is all right because you are the only one who has come together as you have; essential and valuable whether an addict or not. Your superpower is to take those tissues and continue to cry or to refuse them and just use your sleeve; or more importantly be the person who waits to be asked for them. Be loud in viewing all of you and be quiet while not breathing into your heart the words and actions of others. Look at you when you feel pain or fear because you are the heavell keeper of your life. You hold the key to what you do with all of it; just don’t feed the hell for longer than you should. Cry as hard as you laugh, exist in heaven as often as you do in hell, feel fear and courage but most of all never ever forget to look at you. I will just wait right here with a box of tissues but you will have to choose to reach for them or not. Either way, they are just one step or fall away from wherever you are.
Thank you Taylor for reminding me to always view beyond just what is in front of me. Look at you finding your way in this so very heavell life. I will always bring tissues for the both of us; just in case our moments are articulated through tears of laughter and those of grief. Love you.
Over and over the things that carry the weight of the world for us find their way into every part of us; becoming an epidemic on the inside. Whether and addict or not, change can occur in our parts from any given moment; regardless of the size, strength or if felt or seen by others or not. The misery, also known as the pain or the hell, feeds our fear by saying the things that we listen to as the real truth. Yesterday, today and even tomorrow will all be the same if we avoid dealing with any of it; by using people, places, things, time or substances. Including the anything and the everything, while going through in your matter of time, is the only way to step inside to the place where you need to be. Fear, seen and felt as a part of the hell, is actually the friend of courage. Without it you would never ever need the strength of a sometime warrior nor realize that there are things that require understanding; especially to transfer hurt into an ability to step forward. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? How do they feel in your heart? Between those elements, is where you will find your strengths and your weaknesses. Look in the mirror and tell me what you see before you. Now step inside where the lies and the pain have a hold of you; and look around at what else can be found there. The power of the hell is an inside position despite the things that occur on the exterior. Be loud and be quiet while you breathe in the beauty of your superpower; the ability to accept, change, love and hate but never to deny you. Just step inside the perfect person to bring hell but who is also the beholder of heaven. What will you do now; whether an addict or not? The art of living in heavell is in the elements of being a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person. You are yours to have and hold; to just be a beautiful and painful work in process.
If the weight of the world is more than you can hold on the inside, what are you doing with it on the outside; whether an addict or not? Those similarities that can be found with others can be perceived as wholeness; everybody is doing, feeling or knows it. Being seen and heard on the exterior can also bring a sense of strength; there you are. But the real truth is that if we continue to walk in circles in a place where we feel connected, our own journey can be delayed. When we are only being on the outside of ourselves we are, at times, feeding the very hell we want to leave in the yesterdays. There are parents, regardless of any similarities or differences, that know how it feels to have lost a dream. They, unfortunately and thankfully, can see me. It is an easy place for me to just be in. When I stay there too long though, I can feel that pain dispersing into all of me; becoming an epidemic in parts that it doesn’t even belong in. It is such an undesirable and overwhelming emotional state of being. That place, even for the strongest, then move us towards avoiding it or finding agreement and or relief; whether an addict or not. Can you step inside and love what has been defining you there; accept and be kind to what hurts? This is you finding your way and this is also me. We will do this together on the outside but more importantly we each need to go through on the inside; piece by piece. Take the hand of fear and that of courage and step inside to the person who has the power to understand you; to always be there for you. Listen, as you are, it’s all right to not be all right in this so very heavell life. Just don’t stay there for too long otherwise it will all feel the same; making it hard to remember that you have always been so much more. After all, it matters what you do with the hell that lives in you; especially the pieces hidden in the shadows.
Imagine a moment in which you felt lonely and lost; broken and fallen. No matter what others said, you continued to breath in a part or that moment; whatever was loudest on the inside. The voice of that little box of feelings then pushed the other parts of yourself into the shadows. What words did you say to yourself back then? If you were listening to that pain, as a definer of you, then hell stayed close by; becoming an epidemic on the inside. The power of that can be transformed into what you consent to it having been in the yesterdays and what it will become in the tomorrows. This is me and this is you pursuing a life that will always have and hold moments of happiness and pain; whether we want it to or not. If you have stayed in the same place on the inside, then it won’t matter today who or what is on the outside of you; and the tomorrows will be a repeat of the yesterdays as well. I will wait right here while you listen to the perfect person to speak about the view that can be found beyond what has just been in front of you. Be quiet while you get loud with the all of you. Believing, accepting and changing the power of the hell has always been found in what you do with it; in your matter of time and not one moment sooner. After all, as you are, you have believed that hell is strong when the real truth is that its weak. Just listen as your sometime warrior tells you what it knows about your circle of heavell.
In the last hours of his life, Ryan exclaimed “this fucking sucks” Each of us, including Ashlee, realized that any hell we had gone through would not even compare to what was before us in that moment. We each disappeared on the inside, in our ways, as we were being overwhelmed by what was happening on the outside of us. Listen, you don’t have to be in that place in order to find an understanding of what that held for us; nor to be aware of the pain that lives so loudly in any hell for anyone. This is me and Ashlee and that was Ryan but this is also you; falling from the weight of the world, known as the hell, as felt in the heart of each beholder. Listen to what helps you to remember the all of you; feeling both the heaven and the hell. Have and hold the rest as the things to learn from, to do better or to let go of, but never to be used as the sole definer of who you are. This is me, an “f” moment maker, a sometime warrior, a bringer of hell and the beholder of heaven; falling, stepping and walking in circles as I go through here and there. That is who I am. Who are you? Listen, the art of living in heavell means being fearful and or courageous in any given moment; sometimes doing it well and at other times disappearing. You are more than a moment or part or the hell or even what someone decides on the outside of you. This is the perfect moment to step into your real truth; for you.
What are you aware of when you speak or do things? Are you able to feel your words and actions in your heart; especially those that are or have been detrimental your wellbeing? What is your understanding of why you have acted and reacted in those ways? Is the sight of what is before you keeping you from understanding the whole; what you are and are not in control of? We can be all right even with parts or moments that aren’t because the power lies in what we do with the hell; believing, continuing or changing it. The beauty, that can be found no matter where you are, is your ability to consent to lifting up what needs to be; eventually in your matter of time. If you seek to be seen and heard on the outside of yourself, this is you disappearing into the shadows on the inside; whether an addict or not. Say what needs to be said for you but understand that perceptions can be different depending upon the position and the view. The trail belongs solely to you to see beyond what you just know; especially of your pain. Can you consent to loving, hating, accepting and changing all of you on the inside; the place where you are the perfect person to do so? As the beholder of your hell, whether brought by you and or others, you are the most powerful person to decide what you will do with any of it; falling, stepping, or walking in circles. So what if there have been moments that all but destroyed you? All of it matters but the hope is that if you have been breathing in that hell, you will also perceive that you are the beholder of the equally important heaven as well. What has been done cannot be undone no matter what we want, need or even hope for. What will you do with your moments and feelings today? Your superpower is to take all that has been and just be you; believing in the whole of you rather than just some parts or some moments. As a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person, you have always been the beholder of a life that is so very heavell.
We don’t have to be an addict to look for relief outside of ourselves. We don’t have to be an addict to feel unheard nor to be unseen. We also don’t have to be an addict in order to create harm within ourselves and or for others. Whether we fall into hell or are there with or without our consent, we are not what happens to us but we are what comes from it. If all we view is what has been in the yesterdays, believing and repeating it, then hell will always be close by; waiting for the perfect moment for us to fall again or to become an epidemic. This is you continuing to feel pain because no matter where you are, it will all feel the same; through that same view. Our ability to deal with the controversary on the inside of us determines how we cope with what is on the outside; especially whether or not we seek to justify or to alleviate our pain there. I have been, and at times can still be, loud with my little boxes of feelings; consenting to feeding the hell. It would seem as if I am being strong but the real truth is that I am at my weakest in those moments. Those feelings overwhelm my ability to view anything beyond what is in front of me. They keep me in the same place on the inside; despite the different people, places. things or moments around me. We don’t have to be an addict in order to walk in circles while expecting a different outcome. I believe that you matter, every dream does, but in order for change to occur, you have to get quiet; and listen to all of you. As the beholder of the all that has been for you, this is the moment that you look in the mirror and say “I am sorry”. I am me and you are you. We are the sometime warriors in this so very heavell life that fall so that we may see more than just what is before us. We may be the perfect people to bring hell but we are also each the solution to changing it.
Heavell would like to acknowledge the Tucson Police Department and the University of AZ for their partnership in letting addicts know that they matter. Change on the inside is difficult enough to deal with, whether an addict or not, but it is especially complicated when what is on the outside is also a part of the problem. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as others? Thank you for viewing beyond what has been in front of you; for seeking the place to step next.
Is there anything that you could say to yourself that would lift the weight of the world for you? Will you believe you; as the beholder of your personal emotional definitions? Or has it always been easier to have and to hold only some words; especially the hell ones? This is you and there has always been something about you as an essential part of the circle of heavell. We each have our matter of time to be defined by those moments or parts that are within us. What has been done cannot be undone but it need not remain as the strongest piece by finding the understanding for it; and then not repeating it into the tomorrows. If we look outside of ourselves for relief we are failing to love, hate, accept or change every part of ourselves; despite being the perfect people to do so. When the heaven is in the anything or the everything, we don’t see or feel the need to go through; as we breath in those heavenly expectations. Hell, however, will always be close by so that we may perceive of more than what is right in front of us; as the creator of sometime warriors and superpowers. This is you finding the understanding of and for you through a life that is so very heavell; whether an addict or not. What if in this moment, you gave yourself permission to feel your words as an expression of the place that you are at; especially if you are in hell? If you are in pain, also known as hurt, fear and anger, what words will you say to yourself to be aware of the whole of you? Or will you only listen when they come from the outside of yourself; words that are expressed by others? There is something about you that only you can give a voice to but more importantly that you, yourself, need to listen to. As the heavell keeper of your life you hold the key, the consent, to doing this better today than you did yesterday. You are the perfect person to bring hell but there has always been something about you that is so heaven. Go through here and there as a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person walking in circles, falling and stepping along your trail. You should be here because no one else is who you are.
One of the most heavell words in our vocabulary is the word consent; giving or denying permission to do something. It’s easy enough to think of several different moments in which that word would need to be used; ranging from heaven to hell. Anton, this year’s Hug Train Master, brought that word to my attention after I met him at the Amtrak Station; in Tucson last week. They have rules of consent when giving free hugs to others while traveling along their trail in the United States. I even, in part, consented to them representing Ryan; giving permission for them to honor him. How often do you give consent, knowingly or unknowingly, on the inside; as well as the outside? If you react in anger or with substance abuse, this is you giving consent to the hell becoming the strongest part. If you look to the outside of yourself for relief, this is you consenting to the fracturing of yourself. Even in those moments that I have found myself needing or wanting to be in my little boxes of feelings, I was consenting to not treating the heaven and the hell equally. Regardless of where you are or the people, places and things, you will always take the all of you with you. Can you consent to be there for you; especially in the moments that you fall? It’s all right that you have forgotten who you are; hell can do that to even the strongest of sometime warriors. The hope is that you will take the hand of fear and that of courage and breathe in brave. It matters not, though, what words mean to me but what you do with how yours feel in your heart; as the beholder of all that has been for you. What if in this perfect moment you chose to no longer consent to feeding the hell? Please hold on because there’s something about you that the circle of heavell has always needed and wanted.
Thank you Arie and Anton @hugtrainusa for promoting understanding, in the United States, for mental health and substance abuse awareness. Through your hugs, the weight of the world has been lifted; at the very least for a moment. Thank you also for consenting to share your time with me in Tucson and with Ashlee in New Orleans; as well as for honoring Ryan along the way.
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