What we hear depends upon what we listen to, what we see relies on what we are looking for and what we feel draws on what our own experiences are. If I were to say the words “I am sorry” what would you think that term is expressing for me? Would you perceive that it was an admission of being regretful for an “f” moment or would you think that I am acknowledging the pain of someone or would your answer depend on knowing my details? Does it matter to you, then, that the term sorry is defined first in the dictionary as being sad followed by regret as it’s 15th description? Or what about the fact and the opinion that grief is a part of being sad as well as having regret and therefore all three are connected to the term sorry through a feeling? What you hear, see and feel about just that single phrase, for example, determines where you go on the inside with it. In other words, how you hold your words is a part of the way you have been experiencing this kind of life. Over the years, Ryan and I had both articulated being sorry but what wasn’t there was the understanding that while the particulars separated us, grief was something we shared. Imagine, then, how our conversations about his drug use were discussed from our different points of view and why that made it impossible for us to connect as a group, to be united, when we were only focused on what detached us. There is a distinct difference between hearing, leaning with what others feel, and listening, which places values based upon what we feel instead. After all, when we say “I am sorry” we are acknowledging the pain that others are carrying as the weight of the world. The most important moment of change came when I stopped telling Ryan how his behaviors had affected me and started hearing how he felt mine had shaped him. The more he became comfortable with what had felt uncomfortable, the more he had to say. The more he expressed his feelings, the stronger he felt in the place that needed him most which meant the weaker his hell came to be. He was able to find his value by my hearing him rather than my telling him or reminding him of what it was or should be. I am not going to tell you it was easy, because it was not. I am not going to say that it didn’t hurt, because it did. I am not going to express that I wasn’t scared, because I was. What I will say, however, is that after his matter of time, which seemed like it took forever, he stepped into hearing all that I had to share as well and rather than fall from the grief of what he had done, he was able to rise to do this better. This is you and this is me. Sometimes we are worse but in other moments we are far better than we had hoped. Small things, like believing in how a word feels for you, can illuminate your trail so that a little more of you is able to go through. Oh hell, what a journey we are each on in the discovery of how the nothings that appear to come from nowhere are the somethings that lead to falling and walking in circles. This starts with the perfect person looking in the mirror and saying “I am sorry”. I’m just going to wait right here because I wonder how you hold your words as well as your pain. Whatever the way, together and not together, we can raise a little hell with the help of a little more of you and of course your sometime warrior.
On Monday, November 30 we will be uploading our second podcast. Our hope is that what you hear will be a part of helping you to get to know a little more of you because, after all, the strongest and the weakest you will ever be will be in how you hold your words. Have the best day possible for you. Love always, Heavell.
In a life that is so very heavell, it is not just the personal emotional definitions of words that create conflict but also the when, where and how long our reactions to what can be found there effects us. Grief, just like addiction, can seemingly appear out of no where even when we think we are all right or at the very least hope we are. When that happens, we can feel as if we are on a rollercoaster that we cannot get off of and the power of those emotions can leave us feeling weak and fearful. They can also convince the place that needs us most that this trail and we ourselves are impossible as it feeds the hell of whatever our stories are. That adversity is further exasperated when others do not or cannot understand why we are in that place again and thus attempt to control it. There are many moments that I am able to laugh until my stomach hurts because it can be that kind of day with people who find beauty wherever they are. There are also, however, many in which there are triggers that remind me of what has been lost to me and those times can hurt as much as the very first day that Ryan was no longer in this world. When that something that appears to come from nowhere takes over, I am a mess. Unfortunately what can also be found there is the uncomfortableness of others when I do fall. I have realized that their reactions are familiar to me as their view is exactly the same as the one they shared during the years of Ryan’s addiction. There is a cycle there that at first glance appears to be a part of the solution but in fact and opinion is actually a piece of the problem. It is the continuation of a pattern, like a rollercoaster, that does not just belong to addiction or grief. While we may have heavenly expectations, the real truth is that we are all perfectly, irritatingly messy people in different and similar ways. The value of the anything and the everything can only come from the heart of the beholder if we want change to occur in the place that needs that individual most to do so. There is, after all, quite a bit of room within each of us for the details of our own words to lift us up, keep us walking in circles and to create messes without the outside attempting to control how we carry it or feel it. What a journey this has been for me and for you as well as Ryan and all the other dreams that are no longer here. It has been one that holds grief, also known as pain, anger and fear, by the hand and at times makes it hard to breathe even when we do feel brave. If you are going to do what I say, then get ready for the fall because it is actually a part of the solution in getting to know all of the I’m possible that you are actually capable of. In other words, beauty, messes, grief, understanding and even addiction are not defined by one person, place or thing but are rather a variety of places to go through and feel with your own expressions and experiences. Oh hell, what a journey we are each on and with the help of our flowers and those weeds, also known as the dreaded “f” moments, we are the sometime warriors who carry the weight of the world for all to see. I am going to lean in to hear my grief because hiding or denying it will only make it stronger but I am also not going to become it as I have always been so much more than what can be found there. Be kind but be loud in the words that you say as you lean in to hear your story while holding a box of tissues for the moments that hurt as well as the ones that make you laugh. You can, of course, continue to go that way in which case tomorrow just might be the better day to turn around to look into the mirror to see what a journey like yours has created. Whatever you do though, make sure you show up for yourself by also saying the words “I am sorry that you are here. How can I help?”
There is a distinct contrast between listening and actually hearing even though those words are used to define each other. When we take in what someone has to say, we are receiving what words mean and how those terms feel on the inside for that individual. What we actually hear though is what we feel and know about those words which is most often not what is being said by the other person. When a phrase holds a different truth for us, we can then devalue the opposing person’s experience or attempt to control how that individual carries it in the place that needs him or her most. What’s not there however is the understanding that words are merely words until our individual experiences are chained to them and thus give them the strength to lift up or to destroy. The term grief, for instance, is one that we associate most often with the loss of another person or perhaps even a pet. My limited view of that word took on a new meaning for me with Ryan’s death but I have also realized that both of us had been suffering that feeling well into the yesterdays long before he left this world. The fact and the opinion is that over the years of his addiction, but especially during times of sobriety, he carried the weight of the world in the grief that he had breathed into his heart. I was not able to understand what he had chained there nor it’s effects on him since that particular word meant something else for me. In other words, my restricted perception influenced my ability to hear his expressions and the importance of his definitions of them. No matter what term we are talking about, the most powerful we will ever be is in what we say to ourselves so actually hearing what’s there is a part of understanding and the ability to change what has been. Grief is not an expression that is synonymous with addiction or even thought of as being a part of it and yet it is a word that describes the pain that can be found in addicts or anyone for that matter. In a different truth it’s not just about the death of someone but rather the loss of life in a variety of ways. Are there moments for you that actually have contained grief? This is you and this is me and we are both grieving for what has occurred and what has been lost but especially for the pain. We are just alike and yet different depending on the details of our stories. Small things, such as a single word, can connect us or separate us but if we lean with it, while being together and not together, we are powerful enough to raise a little hell. After all, if we lean with it we are not just listening to words but we are actually hearing how they feel in the heart of each beholder. Say what needs to be said regardless of what any of it means to others because it is the most important thing you need in order to show up for you. Oh hell, you might as well go this way because that way has kept you walking in circles as well as lost. I am going to lean with my grief but it’s what I do with the knowledge of me on the inside that determines what kind of day it’s going to be. The hope is that you will also lean with yours while breathing in that you are and have always been so much more in a life that is so very heavell.
We have included a brief video, about 7 seconds, made by Ryan a few months before he died. He loved it when it snowed and he also enjoyed taking anything and everything and turning it into a laugh until your stomach hurts moment. Lean with it and rock with it because hiding, denying or burying it, especially through the use of substances, will not make it go away. What has been will always be wherever you are but what was hell yesterday can be transformed into the superpowers of today. Just ask your sometime warrior why he or she carries weeds and tissues while walking on flowers. Be loud, be kind but most of all hear the grief that has been keeping you in this place for far too long. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
There is always a particular moment, one that holds an intense dismay, in which we become aware that substance abuse has become powerful in our lives. Whether an addict or not, do you remember when and how that knowledge occurred for you? If you could choose just one word to describe how that time felt, what expression would you say best describes your sentiment? Both Ryan and I viewed the expression fear as the single most accurate description of our individual perceptions of addiction. That specific term placed us in the same group even though what each of us had chained to it was in direct conflict with what the other was keeping there. Ryan’s fear had been related to his need of a substance, an in-animate object, and mine of course was my desire for my son to be all right. That just alike designation contained different truths but also held the possibility of understanding each other because being scared is not defined by one person, place or thing. However it has never ever been an easy or simple thing to see especially when comparing an individual to a thing, such as a substance, and its part in the falling of that person. The small things that can be found in the details carry a lot more strength in their ability to help expand our view and thus facilitate change. Ryan’s perception was focused upon what he saw and felt which made it impossible for him to value anything other than those tricky drugs while our attention was on devaluing something he believed he needed and held a different view of. How difficult is it then to convince someone that a behavior, choice or BLAH is not in their best interest when they are in fact and opinion, on his or her inside, getting some sort of relief from that very thing? If our words hold our experiences and are defined by us as individuals, then the strongest we will ever be is found within those terms as the beholders of them; whether we are lifting up or destroying ourselves. After all, there is quite a bit of room for us to strive, struggle, be be-loved and stay in places for far too long in a so very heavell life. What’s not there though is the view that others will do as we say when the details behind our designations are different even if they seem similar or appear to be familiar. This is you and this is me, whether an addict or not. That nothing that has appeared to come from nowhere has always been something in the place that needs you most. At first glance whatever is there might seem like a weakness but the real truth is that it has always been, for your matter of time, leading to a step. What then is in your words that you say to yourself for that knowledge is a superpower to raise a little hell for you? Be loud but also be kind to the perfect person who is finding the way along his or her trail because while there may seem to be quite a bit of room there, there’s really only enough for that individual and a sometime warrior to go through. In other words, the fear and courage that he or she feels has been designated as the places to fall, walk in circles, step and to find the beauty of messes as only that person can. Have the best day possible in your kind of life by walking on your flowers while carrying your weeds.
When I found out that Ryan was using drugs at the age of 17, I felt an incredible amount of fear that continued to hold my hand wherever I went; even when I was sleeping. As the years passed with his on again off again addiction, the intensity of that fear remained with me but I expressed it most often in the form of anger. It was the kind of distress that made it difficult for me to catch my breath or to slow down my pounding heart and racing mind on a daily basis. It was the loudest and yet loneliest place to be and I felt trapped. I was enduring being on a rollercoaster that would never ever let me get off and the irony was that Ryan’s addiction was just like that as well for him. After all controversary, or the hell, has a way of turning us inside out while also immobilizing us with the painful belief that falling means we are weak especially if it happens again and again. When we are in that kind of suffering and place of vulnerability, we often do not know where to turn for assistance. Join that with our apprehension of negative reactions to our request for support as well as the exposure of our “f” moments and walking in circles becomes a place of certainty. The fact and the opinion then is that it becomes easier and simpler with every given moment to stay and believe in that cycle even when we don’t want to or hate it. Whether an addict or not, comfort can be found in being with those who understand us but in that place we will also discover that some, our parts and those of others, will feed the hell while encouraging us to stay in that place for far too long. The belief that we are impossible and weak if we need help is a green truth while the real truth has always been that those things are actually the step before becoming this strong or in other words recognizing that at times all of us will require assistance in order to move forward. It also means that when others can’t it is because of the place they are at and we, in our matter of time, must try again and again for ourselves. This is you and this is me. We are different and yet we are just alike. We are this strong but the emotional definitions of others can have us believing that to have courage we can never ever be fearful or lost and that weeds are the definer of the whole even when flowers are present as well. Live through your words because what you have chained to them holds the causes of your falls but they also carry the ability to be I’m possible even in what appears to be the most impossible cycles. What you say to yourself is the strongest you will ever be whether you are destroying or lifting yourself up through them. Either way, I am going to wait right here with those tissues until you are ready to say what support means to you and then what are you willing to do in order to be that help while also accepting it from others. There is plenty of room in this so very heavell life to strive and struggle but each trail only holds enough space for ourselves and what we carry so you might as well be the perfect person to go through one step and one emotional definition at a time in order to be this strong.
Heavell will be sharing it’s first podcast tomorrow on Friday, October 30, 2020 as a tribute to Ryan (1988-2019) whose life taught us there is an art to living in heaven and hell as well as the power of words and their emotional definitions. Thank you for taking the time to listen to it and we hope you will join us in saying “Here’s to you Ryan and your so very heavell life”.
How difficult is it to begin where you are if your matter of time is spent thinking that you should be in some other place? Or what happens when you try to live through the words of others, to be as they say, rather than exist within your own? Those two things may appear to be completely different but they are in actuality very similar in the facilitation of the conflict within ourselves. Both create feelings of weakness and aloneness by encouraging us to believe that we should be somewhere else or be someone other than what we are literally working with. As we walk in circles or hide through the use of substances and other things, we hope that whatever sentiment we have will somehow change into something else. What’s not there though is the possibility for another person, a new locality or a thing on the outside of us to make an inside job emerge into the transformation that we desire. The concept, then, that I’m possible is hard to view or to even hold onto when every day seems like yesterday or we desire to be other than who we are. The fact and the opinion is that what breathes within us will always be wherever we are and it will be repeated until we build what is there into what we rise from. At first glance, you may only appear to be this strong but within you there is quite a bit of room to strive and struggle again and again until you find your way through. After all, sometime warriors and superpowers evolve from what’s not right rather than from the things that were all right to begin with. Start with the words that actually hold where you exist. What is in those expressions that you say to yourself and how did they come to be? Now turn around and find a different truth because the fall and rise of your words can either illuminate only the messes as a whole or expound on how your beauty can be found in the chaos as well as the small things. After all, as we go through piece by piece, there will always be things that we cry about that originates from the pain or because we laugh until our stomachs hurt as that suffering no longer feels like the weight of the world. Here’s to you and to me as well as those boxes of tissues. At first glance we may appear to have only failed but the real truth has always been that we are fabulously flawed unless of course you continue to go that way in which case today is just not the day but there’s still hope for tomorrow. Be loud, be bold but especially be kind to the perfect person who is going through this so very heavell life one fall and step at a time.
On Friday, October 30, Heavell will be sharing our first podcast in honor of Ryan (June 1988-May 2019) and the formation of the art of living in heavell on that date four years ago. Addiction may have brought the fear and the pain of hell into our lives but also located there was the realization that we were always capable of being so much more by seeing that what had appeared to be weakness was really the first step of strength; also known as a different truth or the illumination of the beauty that lives in the chaos. It just took our matter of time to get there while getting comfortably uncomfortable with being exactly who we are rather than what we appeared to be at first glance. Every dream matters whether here or not. See you soon. Love always, Heavell.
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