Too often we underestimate the power of our words as well as their ability to imply things other than what we intend for them to do. Take, for instance, the two terms substance abuse versus substance misuse. Those expressions are actually used to define each other and yet one is communicated as the intentional use of substances, otherwise known as a “choice”, in a way that is unhealthy and or illegal while the other is expressed as using medication in a manner that it was not intended for, also known as a “choice” and unhealthy but not necessarily illegal. How do you feel, in the place that needs you most, about those particular words? What if you were to turn around to contemplate two other expressions known as mess and disorder and what they hold for you? Are you aware that those two terms are interchangeable with each other as well but more importantly that they can also be used to define the abuse and misuse of substances? What, then, do you think of and feel when comparing those two separate groups of expressions that define addiction? Which pair leaves you feeling impossible and which set holds the possibility of being all right even in the moments that are not all right? In other words, what terms have been used to help lift you up, to step, and which ones have been misused or abused encouraging the belief that you are defined only by your falls and “f” moments? Now turn around again to view the yesterdays where the misunderstanding of words has created chaos as well as pain even though that was not the intent. Moment by moment, word by word and feeling by feeling these are our individual stories that have occurred in similar and yet distinctly different ways. Those small, unseen things, like terms and the emotions that live in the shadows of them, have a way of effecting not only what choices we believe we have but also our ability to actually hold onto change. Having a sense of and believing in what words mean on the inside of ourselves can raise a little hell and turn it into a superpower rather than remaining as what continues to hurt. Imagine then, in a different truth, that what has felt like the weight of the world has always just been the moments before strength is found no matter how long it takes to get there. This is you and this is me and it is good to be home because we are taking it all with us so we might as well be who we are. Give me a moment because this is how my son’s fall, also known as his substance use, became a superpower for all us even though we were in that hell for far too long and it hurt way more than we ever thought possible. After all, the art of living in heaven and hell is in knowing that the heaven moments are the ones that allow us to breathe in brave before the falls into hell where we discover all that we are and all that needs to be transformed for the better including our word choices. Oh hell, give yourself a moment because if this were easy, everyone would make the “simple choice” to change but in a different truth what can be found behind any option complicates seeing and feeling beyond what is just in front of us; whether we are an addict or not. Be kind as you learn the truth of yourself and as you share what needs to be said for what is in your words tells the story of a sometime warrior who is courageous and yet scared that falls and rises but is always the definition of beauty. There is a reason why we have a lot of tissues. It’s so we can cry here while holding our weeds or laugh until our stomachs hurt while walking on our flowers. Whatever you do though, it’s what you lean in to hear that determines what kind of day it’s going to be so choose the words that help you feel possible even in the chaos of a so very heavell life.
We will not be sharing a blog next week on Thursday, February 25th. We will however be sharing our new page “Beautiful Things” for those who have left this world as a result of substance use or the lasting effects of it, mental health issues and death by suicide as there’s a love that will continue on because of and for them. We already have a couple of submissions to give you an idea on how to share the person that you want remembered; a friend, a classmate, a neighbor, a family member, a loved one, a child of another or even a stranger. You may include a photo if you have one, his or her name in full or part or just a nick name/term of endearment and or approximately three sentences that tells the world something that matters about that person even if it’s just simply that he or she loved ketchup on everything. All submissions are subject to approval by the Admins of Heavell. We will also be sharing some words about Ashlee, Ryan’s oldest sister, as a daughter and sister of addicts who is a sometime warrior working to change how those with substance use and mental health issues perceive of themselves. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
A special thanks to Taylor for helping to expand our perception of the terms use, abuse and misuse as well as how, in a different truth about those expressions, we feed the hell when we “choose to use” certain words even when our intent has not been to do so.
As we are presented with choices in our lives, it is simple enough to believe that where each of us decides to step will be or should be in the direction that is in our best interest. What’s not there, though, is the view that one can be decisive and still choose a trail or an “f” moment that is not advantageous. We often associate being determined with courage, confidence and the fabulous moments but in a different truth we can also be unwavering through our repeating of cycles, the avoidance of or only breathing in pain as well as being in an altered state as a result of substance abuse. Choices, then, are made based upon the value and the power of what has come together on the inside where it can’t be easily seen nor understood. What we continue to view in that place will effect us for far too long even when we don’t want it to or hate that it does. After all, the more that we walk in circles, adding moments on top of moments, the less we know and believe in the possibilities of ourselves. That, of course, would appear to be yet another choice but silencing the loudness of what will always find a way to be illuminated is as complicated as what we feel as individuals. In other words, those things on the inside, even the small ones, are what we are going through with so we might as well be who we are while also finding a different truth for what hurts and is not in our best interest. Each day every one of us has the choice to wish for change or to guilt ourselves and others to be different or to deny and hide whatever we don’t want to deal with. However, the best day and option isn’t when we do those things but when we look for the view beyond what is easily seen in order to help lift up what has or who has fallen. Do you know if you are facilitating holding on with your words or are you unaware that you are actually feeding the hell? So let’s start by perceiving that in order to change anything for the better, including how choices are made, we have to get comfortable with what is uncomfortable while not breathing it in. We cannot desire to only be courageous when fear walks hand in hand with it. We also cannot wish for only happiness just because pain and tears feel like a failure to be perfect or hope to be the beauty that others see when we are the beholder of what defines it for ourselves. This is life and it doesn’t always turn out as we believe it should but then no one ever aspires to be in pain, to repeat cycles or to be an addict even though those are all just the moments before we turn around to see that what appears to be weakness is really the beginning of strength. You can cry here from what hurts and what makes you laugh until your stomach hurts but what you can’t do is control or change any of it without understanding what is living on the inside of you and that it is all right to feel as you do. Today is the kind of day where you can lean in to hear the truth of what the yesterdays have held so talk straight. Oh hell, maybe you are scared, I know I can be, but sometime warriors and possibilities are found in the moments that hurt not in what is easy. You can cry here, for whatever reason, as you go word by word and feeling by feeling as you step and fall along your so very heavell life. I am going to wait right here just in case you need some tissues or I do unless of course tomorrow feels like a better option for you but either way there is a love that will continue on in the perfect person to go through; also known as you. Have the best day possible for you. Love always, Heavell
Heavell is honored to include another perspective, with today’s blog, on how our feelings effect the choices that we believe we have and then step towards. Thank you Susan David, Ph.D. for sharing your TED Talk “The gift and power of emotional courage” with us. She is the Wall Street Journal best-selling author of “Emotional Agility” and a Co-founder, Institute of Coaching a McLean/Harvard Medical School Affiliate Psychologist, Harvard Medical School who is committed to getting emotional agility into the world.
https://embed.ted.com/talks/lang/en/susan_david_the_gift_and_power_of_emotional_courage
One of the most important and strongest terms that can be found in the words that we say is the expression “choice’. It is one that not only implies we always have options but also that we are either courageous or weak based upon the decisions that we make. It is a term that holds hope and truth while helping to encourage our accountability in everything that we do, say and feel but the appearance of it usually occurs only in the most obvious, messy moments and parts or for others rather than ourselves. At times that word is able to lift up but more often than not, in a different truth, it destroys through the implications of yet another “f” moment; and not a fabulous one at that. Each of us have, in any given moment, choices and yet we usually repeat what we know again and again whether we are the same or different, an addict or not. Why is that? In the shadows of the word “choice” are the unknown and unseen influences of coping, cycles, feelings, failings, strengths, weaknesses and of course mental health that can make options impossible despite any opinions and or facts for that matter. I, for instance, encountered many people who felt strongly that I should have turned away from Ryan when he became addict and by not doing so, I was weak. Their words and actions, however, were a reflection of what they were capable of or willing to do rather than the real truth of or for me. In other words, their option was not “the right choice” for me then nor would it be today. Within what I chose, though, were moments of missteps in which I did turn away for my matter of time or repeated cycles that I should not have as well as carrying lots of doubt and fear but with each fall that I took, I eventually got up and tried again. Those days seemed the same while also being different depending upon what I encountered on the inside, courage or fear, and the support or lack of from the outside: just like what addicts experience. What have you chained to the word “choice”? Do you feel it as a reflection of your possibilities or does it feed the hell that is already loud within you? How about when others say you should have “chosen another option”? Despite any similarities that Ryan and I had, our individual reactions to the opinions and facts that he should not have chosen to use substances were completely different. That repeated statement about “choice” was a continual reminder for him that he had failed but then those views seen from the outside of someone’s hell are always far easier than what can actually be found on the inside where it is very loud and painful. Let’s start here with that word “choice” and recognize that all along we have had the ability to decide to stop repeating a cycle in which an expression has always held the different truth of enabling, also known as facilitating or feeding, the hell despite anyone’s intentions otherwise. What is in the words that you say? Do those particulars help you to lean in to hear others? Do you know if you are actually facilitating someone to have the best day possible, to hold on, or another fall through them? What do you need from yourself as well as others to have the best day possible for you? Are you saying it so it can be heard? A “choice” is never simple nor easy but rather a complicated place to be because of those cycles, coping skills, fear, the disease of addiction, mental health problems, messes, traumas or just the plain old BLAH for every single one of us. This is me and today I feel strong but in just a moment I could lose my way when that all that has been gets loud because sometimes the best choice, for me, is to lean in to the pain even when others do not agree with that option. Ryan was like this as well when he was an addict, before he ever became one and when he was sober. How about you, is this you as well? Well we might as well be who we are because the best day possible is the kind of day where we choose to be ourselves; otherwise known as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who are together and not together. After all in a life that is so very heavell, we have the option to raise a little hell by not agreeing with the “choices” of others but by understanding how they came to be through small things and the weight of the world. Have the best day possible for you while you get comfortable with what you are carrying because it’s those things that can become a superpower if you view a fall as the moment before a step regardless of the time it takes. Be kind, be loud and always remember there is a love that will continue on even when we are in hell. Love Always, Heavell.
While we each desire to be perceived of and heard, at the same time we are also scared of being seen because what we carry in the place that needs us most isn’t just the fabulous moments and feelings from our kind of life. Our ability to talk straight to ourselves or to others is rarely an easy thing to do but then if it were that simple, fear and pain would not be facilitating our anger, anxiety, behaviors, being lost, words or even substance abuse for that matter. Opening the door to our messy room for anyone and everyone to view leaves us feeling vulnerable and weak when we are already feeling impossible from the chaos that lives there. Even in a room full of like people, we can still feel alone within ourselves if we believe that the “f” moments and the pain is an indication of the all that we are and therefore should be denied or hidden rather than seen and dealt with. What each of us needs most when we are not all right are the words that express kindness and the emotions that support them and yet fear most often brings out the worst in ourselves as well as others. What we encounter in any given moment is our view and then the perception of others which complicates our ability to actually hear, understand and believe in our experiences. Imagine a moment in which something happened that has hurt you; maybe even traumatized you. What occurred when you tried to talk straight about it with the individual whose actions felt distressing to you? Did that person lean in to recognize you or did he or she feed the hell by devaluing you? Now turn around and think about how you have acted when someone has tried to talk straight with you. Have you behaved in a similar or a different manner? Is it easier to hear what hurts from someone that matters to you or is it less complicated and less painful with an individual you are not close to or don’t know? What happens, then, when you say your words just to yourself? Why is it always easier to connect with and believe in the hell than it is to recognize ourselves as the beholders of words, “f” moments and feelings on a trail where our own kind of beauty is ours to step towards, to discover, rather than to be told what it and we should look like or be? Let’s start here because it’s good to be home in the place where we have it all even when we don’t treat all of it equally and hate some of it. This is you and this is also me being uncomfortable with messy parts and rooms but those weeds are where our sometime warriors and our strengths can be found. After all, if we are only viewed in part then fear will always be illuminated in ways it shouldn’t be, possible will be impossible and we will always believe that tissues are meant only for the moments that hurt. Let’s start here and say what needs to be said while carrying our weeds as a reflection of the love that will continue on through the transformation of pain, in this moment or the next, into superpowers. Oh hell, the hand of courage is holding that of fear but it’s what you lean in to hear that determines what you connect with so be kind to you as you step and fall along the way. In other words just because understanding can be found in the pain and with like people, it doesn’t mean you should continue to stay there. Let’s start here as you encounter this so very heavell life just as you are.
On Tuesday, February 2nd, Heavell will be sharing it’s next podcast. Because the meaning of words and the perception of them is so complicated, we will be providing another perspective on how what we see, think and feel can leave us feeling impossible even though we shouldn’t stay in that place for too long. A sometime warrior for individuals with dyslexia and a dear friend will share her encounter of how a struggle in someone who matters to her has shown her that what appeared to be a weakness was in fact a strength waiting to be recognized in both of them. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
To the individual who found us through Ryan’s page “Ryan Travels The U.S.”. Let’s start here and take this 10 seconds, a moment, at a time. It’s all right not to be all right but you are and have always been more than what hurts so lean in and breathe. Today may just be the day where you need to be kind to you and if tomorrow seems to be the same, then take that one moment at a time as well. One step has brought you closer to getting comfortable with what is uncomfortable and then turning it into a superpower. Please continue to let us know how you are doing. Have the best day possible for you.
There is a feeling that can be found in all of us that is powerful enough to turn anyone into a victim or a monster and immobilize even those who normally are not hesitant. It speaks loudly in our hearts and minds whether we are repeating cycles or attempting to move into a place that we have never been before and it can cause us to step backwards. It encourages us to believe in being impossible by reminding us of our weaknesses and pain and that tomorrow can hurt just as today has. It keeps our “f” moments, not the fun ones, close so that our view of them is always present even in the times where we feel we are all right. It can be found in the form of anger, anxiety, the use of substances, words, falls or even in what is known as the BLAH. It can be invisible even while being in front of us whether on the inside or the outside. No matter how many steps we take, it will remind us that we have fallen at some point in the yesterdays and thus are likely to do so again in the next or the next moment. It makes breathing seem challenging even though we actually do so in every moment no matter what kind it turns out to be. It takes our hope of overcoming and transforming the things that need to change and places that wish on a rollercoaster. It even has the ability to break our hearts again and again and can leave us feeling alone in a room full of people. That feeling has no boundaries and loves being shared with others. It can even make a strength appear to be a weakness and a weakness seem as if it is a strength. It is always close by being comfortable with our uncomfortableness. There have been two moments in my life that have held the greatest fear that I have ever known and while the intensity may have ebbed and flowed, that feeling was felt long after the specific moments had passed. The first was when I realized that Ryan was addicted to drugs and the lonely and painful place that had welcomed him. The second, and the hardest one of all of course, was when I knew his life was ending. In what moment have you felt the most lost, also known as fear, and in which one has hope kept you holding on despite feeling as if you are unable to breathe? What do your words carry from those moments? This is LIFE and this is the strongest and the weakest that you are in any kind of moment through your feelings and words. This is also me with mine as well as everyone else for exactly our own matter of time. We, together and not together, do this well but in other ones we also do this worse because of our fear. We can continue to misunderstand the illumination of what needs to change as being a reflection that we are weak as we continue to feed the hell or we can view how possible we really are because of what has already been and felt. After all, we might as well be who we are because we have never been someone other than the beholder of our own kind of beauty and hell for that matter. So what if it hurts? Just as we need to lean in to hear and get comfortable with what has been uncomfortable, we also have to remember what is all right even when they only exist in small things. Turn around and look in the mirror because while you will see the weeds, your flowers are the moments that your beauty stepped forward because it is possible for you to do so. One of the best lines I have ever heard was from an addict who referred to himself as a “former professional drinker” His story is an acknowledgement of the pain and what didn’t serve him well but it is also a different truth in that he was, is and always will be more than just addict; just like you. In my story, I am an “f” moment maker from the fabulous ones right down to the repeated fallen times. I am neither one or the other because I am a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person in a so very heavell place known as this is LIFE. While your particulars may be different, the real truth is that we are all scared, have hope and express all of it in ways that we shouldn’t for far too long. I am going to wait right here for you because, who knows, maybe you can help me when I am feeding the hell or if I need to be reminded that this starts with saying “I am sorry” to the very person, otherwise known as me, that I am going through all of it with. Oh hell, it just might be the kind of day where we can feel fear but know we are also holding the hand of courage as we step and fall amongst our weeds and flowers and use boxes of tissues when we laugh until our stomachs hurt instead of our hearts. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
To have hope and belief in our ability to deal with what effects us from the outside of ourselves, we must have confidence in what lives on the inside especially when our courage and strength are not easily found nor remembered as ever having been a part of going through in the yesterdays. What happens, though, when the words that we say to ourselves reflects more of our “f” moments or those that appear to be than they do of the actual beauty that is a part of each of us? Or what if our pain feels like such a mess that closing the door and keeping it shut is the only view we are able to think about? What we are encountering is what we believe we are capable of in this moment because that uncomfortable voice is far louder than the one that speaks when we or things are all right. For instance, the voice of fear is most often expressed in an aggressive manner that does not imply being scared but rather that an individual is angry. Pain is another feeling that is also conveyed in that very same way. Our feeling hurt or scared is thought to be a sign of weakness where as being mad is seen more as a strength or a position of power. Even beauty can be misleading in the thought that it is something to be seen on the outside of us while the real truth is that it is a complicated place that at times holds feelings of fear and pain as a part of any transformation. In other words, if you don’t talk straight to yourself and to others, knowing what words actually mean for you, you will continue to experience feelings as well as the belief that you lack courage and therefore are impossible. So what if you are scared or worried or anxious? So what if this moment or the last one or the next one hurts? If you turn around, you will see that everyone is fearful and overwhelmed by messes at some point in their lives for far longer than they should be as well. Those particulars may be different for each of us but the reactions to whatever adversities we encounter are similar no matter who we think or feel we are. For me there are and always will be moments in which my thoughts lean towards my grief over the loss of Ryan and how that feels in the place that needs me most. I can distract myself by keeping busy but what I can’t do is hide from myself how much it hurts and that, while different, is really just like whatever feels the worst for someone else. Pain, fear, anger and beauty cannot be compared as it is defined by each individual and his or her moments but what we can do is understand that any of it, in any given moment, can destroy or lift up that person as the beholder of it not as we on the outside value it. Today I am living this so very heavell life by leaning in to hear what needs to be while also loving the moments in which I can laugh until my stomach hurts because it’s good to be home no matter what breathes there. This is you and this is me and we might as well be who we are because it’s what we are going through with even when there are parts that we hate. The small things and the big ones that have been cannot be changed into a different truth until we believe that falls are not weakness but rather the moments prior to the discovery of steps. After all, superpowers and sometime warriors are made for what will always find a way to be illuminated rather than the moments that are all right. I am going to wait right here for you while you find the possibilities of an inanimate object like a box of tissues as well as the beauty of weeds and words in your kind of life.
Next week on Tuesday, January 19, 2021, Heavell will be linking a Facebook page called Ryan Travels The U.S. to it’s website. This page was started by Ashlee, unbeknownst to me, a short time after Ryan died in May 2019. On this page she placed a variety of photos of Ryan that anyone could download onto their phone and then take him with them on a trip somewhere. These family, friends and complete strangers took a photo of themselves while holding Ryan’s photo in whatever place they wanted him to be seen and he’s actually been all over the world including the 2019’s winning game of the world series and the U.S.A. Women’s soccer team playing against Ireland as well as a 14,000 foot peak in Colorado. Ashlee came up with this idea because there’s a love that will continue on for our Ryan and so that he could still travel to places or events since his health prevented that in that last couple of years of his life. A month after in February, Heavell will be adding a page to its website so that you may share photos of you and your friends, loved ones or even strangers that have been lost to this world because of addiction and or mental health issues. You will have the opportunity to share a few words to describe your dreams or to say something to them as well. All photos and words will need to be approved of first by Heavell before being published. Every dream matters whether here or not and we want to illuminate them as being more than just what destroyed them. After all, there’s a love that will continue on for them as well in the simplest moments, the “fun” ones and the ones we cry over so we might as well be who we are. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
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