There is a distinct contrast between listening and actually hearing even though those words are used to define each other. When we take in what someone has to say, we are receiving what words mean and how those terms feel on the inside for that individual. What we actually hear though is what we feel and know about those words which is most often not what is being said by the other person. When a phrase holds a different truth for us, we can then devalue the opposing person’s experience or attempt to control how that individual carries it in the place that needs him or her most. What’s not there however is the understanding that words are merely words until our individual experiences are chained to them and thus give them the strength to lift up or to destroy. The term grief, for instance, is one that we associate most often with the loss of another person or perhaps even a pet. My limited view of that word took on a new meaning for me with Ryan’s death but I have also realized that both of us had been suffering that feeling well into the yesterdays long before he left this world. The fact and the opinion is that over the years of his addiction, but especially during times of sobriety, he carried the weight of the world in the grief that he had breathed into his heart. I was not able to understand what he had chained there nor it’s effects on him since that particular word meant something else for me. In other words, my restricted perception influenced my ability to hear his expressions and the importance of his definitions of them. No matter what term we are talking about, the most powerful we will ever be is in what we say to ourselves so actually hearing what’s there is a part of understanding and the ability to change what has been. Grief is not an expression that is synonymous with addiction or even thought of as being a part of it and yet it is a word that describes the pain that can be found in addicts or anyone for that matter. In a different truth it’s not just about the death of someone but rather the loss of life in a variety of ways. Are there moments for you that actually have contained grief? This is you and this is me and we are both grieving for what has occurred and what has been lost but especially for the pain. We are just alike and yet different depending on the details of our stories. Small things, such as a single word, can connect us or separate us but if we lean with it, while being together and not together, we are powerful enough to raise a little hell. After all, if we lean with it we are not just listening to words but we are actually hearing how they feel in the heart of each beholder. Say what needs to be said regardless of what any of it means to others because it is the most important thing you need in order to show up for you. Oh hell, you might as well go this way because that way has kept you walking in circles as well as lost. I am going to lean with my grief but it’s what I do with the knowledge of me on the inside that determines what kind of day it’s going to be. The hope is that you will also lean with yours while breathing in that you are and have always been so much more in a life that is so very heavell.
We have included a brief video, about 7 seconds, made by Ryan a few months before he died. He loved it when it snowed and he also enjoyed taking anything and everything and turning it into a laugh until your stomach hurts moment. Lean with it and rock with it because hiding, denying or burying it, especially through the use of substances, will not make it go away. What has been will always be wherever you are but what was hell yesterday can be transformed into the superpowers of today. Just ask your sometime warrior why he or she carries weeds and tissues while walking on flowers. Be loud, be kind but most of all hear the grief that has been keeping you in this place for far too long. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
There is always a particular moment, one that holds an intense dismay, in which we become aware that substance abuse has become powerful in our lives. Whether an addict or not, do you remember when and how that knowledge occurred for you? If you could choose just one word to describe how that time felt, what expression would you say best describes your sentiment? Both Ryan and I viewed the expression fear as the single most accurate description of our individual perceptions of addiction. That specific term placed us in the same group even though what each of us had chained to it was in direct conflict with what the other was keeping there. Ryan’s fear had been related to his need of a substance, an in-animate object, and mine of course was my desire for my son to be all right. That just alike designation contained different truths but also held the possibility of understanding each other because being scared is not defined by one person, place or thing. However it has never ever been an easy or simple thing to see especially when comparing an individual to a thing, such as a substance, and its part in the falling of that person. The small things that can be found in the details carry a lot more strength in their ability to help expand our view and thus facilitate change. Ryan’s perception was focused upon what he saw and felt which made it impossible for him to value anything other than those tricky drugs while our attention was on devaluing something he believed he needed and held a different view of. How difficult is it then to convince someone that a behavior, choice or BLAH is not in their best interest when they are in fact and opinion, on his or her inside, getting some sort of relief from that very thing? If our words hold our experiences and are defined by us as individuals, then the strongest we will ever be is found within those terms as the beholders of them; whether we are lifting up or destroying ourselves. After all, there is quite a bit of room for us to strive, struggle, be be-loved and stay in places for far too long in a so very heavell life. What’s not there though is the view that others will do as we say when the details behind our designations are different even if they seem similar or appear to be familiar. This is you and this is me, whether an addict or not. That nothing that has appeared to come from nowhere has always been something in the place that needs you most. At first glance whatever is there might seem like a weakness but the real truth is that it has always been, for your matter of time, leading to a step. What then is in your words that you say to yourself for that knowledge is a superpower to raise a little hell for you? Be loud but also be kind to the perfect person who is finding the way along his or her trail because while there may seem to be quite a bit of room there, there’s really only enough for that individual and a sometime warrior to go through. In other words, the fear and courage that he or she feels has been designated as the places to fall, walk in circles, step and to find the beauty of messes as only that person can. Have the best day possible in your kind of life by walking on your flowers while carrying your weeds.
When I found out that Ryan was using drugs at the age of 17, I felt an incredible amount of fear that continued to hold my hand wherever I went; even when I was sleeping. As the years passed with his on again off again addiction, the intensity of that fear remained with me but I expressed it most often in the form of anger. It was the kind of distress that made it difficult for me to catch my breath or to slow down my pounding heart and racing mind on a daily basis. It was the loudest and yet loneliest place to be and I felt trapped. I was enduring being on a rollercoaster that would never ever let me get off and the irony was that Ryan’s addiction was just like that as well for him. After all controversary, or the hell, has a way of turning us inside out while also immobilizing us with the painful belief that falling means we are weak especially if it happens again and again. When we are in that kind of suffering and place of vulnerability, we often do not know where to turn for assistance. Join that with our apprehension of negative reactions to our request for support as well as the exposure of our “f” moments and walking in circles becomes a place of certainty. The fact and the opinion then is that it becomes easier and simpler with every given moment to stay and believe in that cycle even when we don’t want to or hate it. Whether an addict or not, comfort can be found in being with those who understand us but in that place we will also discover that some, our parts and those of others, will feed the hell while encouraging us to stay in that place for far too long. The belief that we are impossible and weak if we need help is a green truth while the real truth has always been that those things are actually the step before becoming this strong or in other words recognizing that at times all of us will require assistance in order to move forward. It also means that when others can’t it is because of the place they are at and we, in our matter of time, must try again and again for ourselves. This is you and this is me. We are different and yet we are just alike. We are this strong but the emotional definitions of others can have us believing that to have courage we can never ever be fearful or lost and that weeds are the definer of the whole even when flowers are present as well. Live through your words because what you have chained to them holds the causes of your falls but they also carry the ability to be I’m possible even in what appears to be the most impossible cycles. What you say to yourself is the strongest you will ever be whether you are destroying or lifting yourself up through them. Either way, I am going to wait right here with those tissues until you are ready to say what support means to you and then what are you willing to do in order to be that help while also accepting it from others. There is plenty of room in this so very heavell life to strive and struggle but each trail only holds enough space for ourselves and what we carry so you might as well be the perfect person to go through one step and one emotional definition at a time in order to be this strong.
Heavell will be sharing it’s first podcast tomorrow on Friday, October 30, 2020 as a tribute to Ryan (1988-2019) whose life taught us there is an art to living in heaven and hell as well as the power of words and their emotional definitions. Thank you for taking the time to listen to it and we hope you will join us in saying “Here’s to you Ryan and your so very heavell life”.
How difficult is it to begin where you are if your matter of time is spent thinking that you should be in some other place? Or what happens when you try to live through the words of others, to be as they say, rather than exist within your own? Those two things may appear to be completely different but they are in actuality very similar in the facilitation of the conflict within ourselves. Both create feelings of weakness and aloneness by encouraging us to believe that we should be somewhere else or be someone other than what we are literally working with. As we walk in circles or hide through the use of substances and other things, we hope that whatever sentiment we have will somehow change into something else. What’s not there though is the possibility for another person, a new locality or a thing on the outside of us to make an inside job emerge into the transformation that we desire. The concept, then, that I’m possible is hard to view or to even hold onto when every day seems like yesterday or we desire to be other than who we are. The fact and the opinion is that what breathes within us will always be wherever we are and it will be repeated until we build what is there into what we rise from. At first glance, you may only appear to be this strong but within you there is quite a bit of room to strive and struggle again and again until you find your way through. After all, sometime warriors and superpowers evolve from what’s not right rather than from the things that were all right to begin with. Start with the words that actually hold where you exist. What is in those expressions that you say to yourself and how did they come to be? Now turn around and find a different truth because the fall and rise of your words can either illuminate only the messes as a whole or expound on how your beauty can be found in the chaos as well as the small things. After all, as we go through piece by piece, there will always be things that we cry about that originates from the pain or because we laugh until our stomachs hurt as that suffering no longer feels like the weight of the world. Here’s to you and to me as well as those boxes of tissues. At first glance we may appear to have only failed but the real truth has always been that we are fabulously flawed unless of course you continue to go that way in which case today is just not the day but there’s still hope for tomorrow. Be loud, be bold but especially be kind to the perfect person who is going through this so very heavell life one fall and step at a time.
On Friday, October 30, Heavell will be sharing our first podcast in honor of Ryan (June 1988-May 2019) and the formation of the art of living in heavell on that date four years ago. Addiction may have brought the fear and the pain of hell into our lives but also located there was the realization that we were always capable of being so much more by seeing that what had appeared to be weakness was really the first step of strength; also known as a different truth or the illumination of the beauty that lives in the chaos. It just took our matter of time to get there while getting comfortably uncomfortable with being exactly who we are rather than what we appeared to be at first glance. Every dream matters whether here or not. See you soon. Love always, Heavell.
In order to encounter today in a different way than was experienced in the yesterdays, change begins with understanding what you have lost as well as found and then that there is still so much more to locate; the view beyond what is just in front. For instance, we know that pain can easily be generated, is hard to let go of and is never ever easy to carry. Another aspect is the perception and resulting feelings of the things that cannot be recovered or replaced because of it. Those feelings of loss tend to effect our walking in circles just as much as the actual moments of pain do. Strength on the other hand can be hard to find, at times is fleeting but when possible, can carry the weight of the world with little effort. But it is also not without loss as strength, created from the process of going through pain, is the letting go of what has been familiar and stepping into the unknown. Getting comfortably uncomfortable is about accepting the parts that hold the things that you don’t like or even hate and knowing it’s all right to feel that way rather than being the definition of being flawed or weak. The fact and the opinion is that the more we hide or deny those moments and things the stronger they become on the inside of us because strength really isn’t about who we are or are not but rather what we believe and then feed. For your matter of time this is how you came along but how long you stay there or what you do with it is within your power to change in any given moment. When it comes to pain and strength, which one is be-loved and which one needs to be be-loved by you? How about now that you are aware that pain is the creator of strength but that it also holds an influence that depends on what you believe you have lost and found to continue to grow? Because words hold different emotional definitions for each of us, the value of yours cannot be found outside of yourself; especially through the use of people, places, things or substances. After all, if it were that simple, all it would take to change this would be for me to tell you to not feel the way you do or to behave as you have. The real truth is that you should probably be-loved by you in such a way that when you fall, you know it is a part of the process of becoming so much more. That it is all right to not to be all right but just don’t stay in that place for far too long by becoming what can be felt there. The hope for today then is that you will laugh and cry about yesterday while taking the hand of fear and that of courage in order to be your own beloved, also known as the beauty, in the tomorrows. Just ask yourself what you can say that will make the place that needs you most feel beloved and then say it as many times as you need to hear it. I am just going to wait right here while you locate that different truth about feeding the strength of your pain or using it in order to nourish what lifts you up. Got heavell? You certainly do because this is the kind of life where sometime warriors turn weeds into superpowers and the weight of the world into the be-loved of flowers just by simply turning around to see the view beyond what is just in front.
Something will always grow from the things that happen and what we think, feel and do because of them. Where any of it goes or what it becomes or how long it stays that way is within our abilities to decide and to change in any given moment. The things that have been are always going to be with us so we might as well use them to lift ourselves up rather than be defined by them in ways that continue to hurt. If the words that you say to yourself are a reflection of your hell, then a different truth of those moments or parts is that they also hold beauty. A messy room, substance abuse, impossible and being scared all give the appearance of flaws or weakness and yet strength does not grow from the easy or simple things in life. It can also be said that having strength does not mean there is an absence of fear nor a lack of flaws. The fact and the opinion then is that it is entirely possible for weeds to be transformed into flowers and for dreaded “f” moments, at least in part, to become the stories that make us laugh until our stomachs hurt. When you look in the mirror to see yourself and your kind of life, for everything that you don’t want or even hate, also find what you can accept or even love there. In other words be I’m possible even in the most impossible moments by perceiving of the small things that can help you to be all right in the not all right times. What we breathe in about ourselves or what has been can become so loud on the inside that it takes over the rest of us. Essentially a part or some parts can evolve into a monster that occupies the whole and then takes the remaining pieces, basically victims, on it’s roller coaster ride. No one aspires to be messy, an addict, flawed or to hold the hand of fear but it’s how you came along and a crucial part of the creation of strength. For a moment or just a day, say what needs to be said to yourself and to others. But also be kind because you cannot rise if you do not fall, be brave if you are not scared at some point nor be all that you actually are if you only feed the hell. This is how you came along as the definer of beauty as well as what the weight of the world feels like at your essential position on the circle. Your pain, conflict and hell may be the real truth for you but it is also a green truth in that what grows there and for how long it stays has always been what you facilitate not what others decide for you. After all, you came along as the perfect person to go through in this so very heavell life for you so don’t consent to their view of you; especially if it’s limited. Unless of course you decide to continue to go that way in which case tomorrow might be the place to turn around or wherever that given moment occurs. Oh hell, just grab some tissues and get comfortably uncomfortable because walking on flowers and carrying weeds is exactly the kind of story that sometime warriors live for and we feel in the place that needs us most.
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