What can you say about how you carry the word hope in the place that needs you most? Just as other words are determined by our individual experiences, what lives there is a reflection of the particulars that have been felt and then defined by each of our hearts in our kind of life. It’s existence comes from what has been in the yesterdays while also always holding the possibility that the tomorrows will become what we dream of. What’s not easily seen, though, is that often that similar and different feeling is actually carrying the weight of the world rather than just being a wish for change. It’s presence is familiar and comfortable with our being all right as well as the depth of our pain or even when we are feeling fear and anger. Depending on where we go with it on the inside, a desire can hold a different truth in any given moment. It is a term that has always held so much more and if you look closely, you will also see that at times it can be easily lost, may be difficult to find and we can also stay in that place for far longer than we are meant to. Hope is just one of our many feelings that has the ability to lift us up or to cause us to fall through the small things that appear to come from nowhere but have actually always been something in the place that needs us most. After all, as an emotion, it is expressed by the story that lives in the heart rather than the descriptive words that the mind uses to explain it. At times, during the years of Ryan’s drug use, I was the beholder of hope because there’s a love that continued on despite his having lost his belief. In other moments, when my fear of the yesterdays was strongest for me, he would lean in to hear what that held for me and I was able to remember to breathe through his words and actions. So what does just that single term express for you as it pertains to what you want for you and then for others? Now turn around and look closely to see the details that others desire for themselves and then for you. The strongest and the weakest that we are is found in our words and the particulars that make them our own personal emotional definitions. In other terms, the right expressions help us to hear and see or not the value in everything that has been, even those tough and painful lessons. Breathing in brave, sometime warriors and hope may appear to be necessary to face what can be found on the outside of ourselves but more often than not those are the small things that are needed to look in the mirror to believe in and to understand ourselves. Look closely at your own words so that you may raise a little hell by keeping hope as just the place to experience the feeling of possibilities while you actually step, fall, have all sorts of “f” moments and find your way along the trail as the perfect person to do so. I am going to wait right here for you in my weeds as you illuminate what needs to be found in the yesterdays so that tomorrow holds just a little more of you in I’m possible even when things are not all right. Oh hell, every dream matters whether here or not so lets carry them with us wherever we go in this so very heavell life.
On Tuesday, December 29th, we will be sharing our third podcast. We hope that you have the best day possible for you. Be kind to you especially in the moments that need you to be. Love Always, Heavell.
In every story there are the moments that carry the weight of the world and the ones that make us laugh until our stomachs hurt while in between are the simple details of being all right or at least trying to be. We remember, experience and place a value on each of those particulars that define who we are as individuals. In order to understand ourselves we have to be able to believe in what has been from the yesterdays while also holding hope and the ability to breathe in what has yet to be in the tomorrows. In any given moment, though, we can find ourselves walking in circles between the terms that the mind knows and the heart that has defined them by how they feel on the inside. For instance, when we open the door to a room that is a mess, what we view can feel impossible to deal with which makes it easier to just close the door once again. After all, within that whole, each article that can be found there must be perceived of in order to know where we will go with it. The same, then, can be said about about ourselves and what we carry in the place that needs us most whether those things pertain to ourselves or to the others in our lives. Our hearts are also a room but rather than being the destination for items it’s purpose is to hold all of our comfortable and uncomfortable feelings so that we may remember and experience them in similar and different ways. At times it can also be easier to ignore what’s there especially when there is controversary between what the mind knows and what the heart says is the real truth. Addiction itself, regardless of being the addict, the loved one of a substance abuser or an outsider, is something that has the appearance, as a whole, as being impossible and at times that has been the reality for some. During the years of Ryan’s use there were many who felt and were loud about their opinion that I should have turned around and let him go. I even had a police officer, in that first year, advise me to do just that when I had stated that I did not know what to do in order to help Ryan. It was what he had chosen to do with his own child that had become an addict. Turning around was an option but for me there’s a love, made of memories and feelings that came from what had been in the yesterdays, that refused to be pushed into the shadows no matter how loud that chaos or the voices of others became. The real truth is that each of us has to decide what we can and what we cannot do when it comes to being in the hell of addiction. That opinion, then, will always include walking in circles, falling and stepping in our own way but what’s not there is the fact that we can’t exclude what we feel for and because of the ones we love. That is, after all, what hope is all about. It lives and breathes within us because there’s a love, a beauty, whose value defines ourselves in a way that only we have individually perceived of and experienced. To deny or to devalue that removes our ability to find understanding and change not only in addiction but in a so very heavell life as well. Words are just words until we perceive of and know where to go with the feelings that make them powerful. This is you and this is me whether similar or different. We are the sometime warriors in this kind of life who also fall down but always feel there’s a love, a beauty, even when we can’t breathe. I am going to wait right here for you because I believe in your yesterdays and all that they hold but only you can raise a little hell by either finding where each item, moment and feeling really needs to be or improvising until that doubt becomes the superpower of believing in yourself.
This last weekend another fallen angel was lost in this world. He was a dream who touched the lives of others in ways that went far beyond his addiction because he was, after all, so much more than just that part. There’s a love for you that will continue on through a small thing like everything tastes better with ketchup on it, through your words “when in doubt improvise” as well as all the other particulars that can be remembered from your kind of life. Oh what a journey you and your family have been on and while grief is now a part of their trail, always know that there’s a love that will forever be because of the beauty that you saw in your significant other each and every morning, in your children who will carry you with them wherever they go and all that the family experienced with and because of you; from those dreaded “f” moments to the ones where you laughed until your stomachs hurt. We are so very sorry for your loss. Love Always, Heavell
Beneath every word that the mind knows is the emotion that the heart feels as the definition of each of those terms. Below that are the moments that created each particular sentiment along with where we go with them. Those experiences lead us towards hope and belief or to turn around and connect with the fear and doubt that can be found there as well. The mind may understand words but it is the feelings in the heart that prevents us from stepping. It can be difficult to find a different truth but change does not come from continuing from the same position or from ignoring whatever can be found there but rather through valuing how our stories feel even when it hurts. When we try to hide or deny what lives there, it will find a way to be illuminated and we will continue to walk in circles while wondering why today seems like yesterday. Often others will express that they do not understand why the words that they say are not enough to bring about change in someone else’s life. I, too, spent years wondering why Ryan did not just do as I said so that everything would be all right. In part, though, it’s like opening a book and picking a few pages to read and then believing you know the whole story without actually experiencing any of the details in that place. Those particulars are what we each carry as the weight of the world and while the words of others can help, only each of us can go through with what we are holding. A friend refers to the addict in his life as two separate individuals. When this person is sober, he is referred to by his name Dave. When he is using a substance, he is called Disaster Dave. My friend does not know, nor like nor want Disaster Dave in his life. He wants the Dave that is his friend. I felt the very same way about Ryan in the beginning but no matter what I said, the Ryan I had known was also the Ryan I did not know nor wanted to. In this kind of life, that’s any kind of life, it’s not about being comfortable with what is easy but rather about getting comfortable with the uncomfortable that can be found wherever we are; even the BLAH. Things can never really be the same as yesterday, even if it seems like it, because while the mind might fail to remember or perhaps even deny some of the pages, the heart will never forget how each feels. This is you and this is me and we are so much more than what can easily be seen. What you carry isn’t just the flowers or the moments that make you laugh until your stomach hurts but it isn’t just the falls and weeds either. Lean in to hear what words mean for you and then change the power of them by saying all that can be found there yourself. Seeing the beauty requires a little more of you and what you carry even if those small things are not what you want nor do others. After all, if it only took words, you wouldn’t be here and neither would I but then again this is a so very heavell life and we have boxes of tissues for the moments that hurt and the ones we love.
This week a family lost their addict. In their story, some of the individuals hid the details of the addict and his death from others. By providing the green truth, these individuals believed that they were helping but when we don’t know what’s real we often fill in our hearts with particulars that are even more painful. In other words, always provide the real truth, in age appropriate ways, so that everyone may learn to get comfortable with what is uncomfortable and see the strength in seeking help when they fall.
How have you been experiencing this kind of life? Are you hearing yourself or are you listening to the terms of others and trying to live through them or perhaps it is your fear that has found a way to be illuminated? By looking for the simplest and easiest trail, we are closing the door on the possibilities of getting comfortable with what is uncomfortable from the yesterdays or today or even what has yet to be in the tomorrows. The real truth, then, is that adversity will always be encountered because some will and some won’t perceive of and react to life in the same ways whether it’s the parts of ourselves or those of others. In my need to change what Ryan was carrying in the place that needed him most, I either decided the value of his pain through my details or I kept pointing out only our fabulous moments and parts. What wasn’t there, though, was his ability to feel as I did nor to quiet what had become loud on the inside of himself where it couldn’t be seen nor understood by me. The bigger that mess became, the more my pain had a power over me that made it so I just wanted to close the door to it. Ryan’s pain had been encouraging him to do the same thing even though the particulars were different in how we each dealt with it. It is hard to breathe when we are in hell and it is even more difficult to believe in our courage and strength when fear, at first glance, has become the strongest. We were really both just alike and if we had perceived of that connection, we could have been united sooner in our understanding of what coping with that hell meant together and not together. When we lean into hear what words feel like for someone else, it can often help us realize what we have only been listening to within ourselves. Imagine then the actual value of having and being a messy room or part in the discovery of how strong you really have been and are capable of being even when you appear to be weak because of the chaos. After all, there is quite a bit of room for even just a single term to be defined in so many similar and different ways that’s personal for each of us. I wonder, then, how have you been holding your words in the place that needs you most? Oh what a journey we have been on where laughing until our stomach hurts shouldn’t just come from the perfect moments but should also include what we lean into as we learn to breathe in brave especially when in hell. This is you and this is me and we are taking it all with us wherever we go no matter what we hope for or want. We might as well, then, see the beauty of valuing what the weight of the world means so that our tears and behaviors are no longer an expression of what isn’t being heard. In other words, you might as well raise a little hell by seeing the beauty of being the beloved in your story of weakness, falls, strength and fabulousness as the perfect person to go through in your matter of time. But if you’re not sure just turn around and ask your sometime warrior who has always seen the beauty of you whether you are carrying weeds, bringing hell or picking your own flowers in the simple and easy moments in a so very heavell life.
What we hear depends upon what we listen to, what we see relies on what we are looking for and what we feel draws on what our own experiences are. If I were to say the words “I am sorry” what would you think that term is expressing for me? Would you perceive that it was an admission of being regretful for an “f” moment or would you think that I am acknowledging the pain of someone or would your answer depend on knowing my details? Does it matter to you, then, that the term sorry is defined first in the dictionary as being sad followed by regret as it’s 15th description? Or what about the fact and the opinion that grief is a part of being sad as well as having regret and therefore all three are connected to the term sorry through a feeling? What you hear, see and feel about just that single phrase, for example, determines where you go on the inside with it. In other words, how you hold your words is a part of the way you have been experiencing this kind of life. Over the years, Ryan and I had both articulated being sorry but what wasn’t there was the understanding that while the particulars separated us, grief was something we shared. Imagine, then, how our conversations about his drug use were discussed from our different points of view and why that made it impossible for us to connect as a group, to be united, when we were only focused on what detached us. There is a distinct difference between hearing, leaning with what others feel, and listening, which places values based upon what we feel instead. After all, when we say “I am sorry” we are acknowledging the pain that others are carrying as the weight of the world. The most important moment of change came when I stopped telling Ryan how his behaviors had affected me and started hearing how he felt mine had shaped him. The more he became comfortable with what had felt uncomfortable, the more he had to say. The more he expressed his feelings, the stronger he felt in the place that needed him most which meant the weaker his hell came to be. He was able to find his value by my hearing him rather than my telling him or reminding him of what it was or should be. I am not going to tell you it was easy, because it was not. I am not going to say that it didn’t hurt, because it did. I am not going to express that I wasn’t scared, because I was. What I will say, however, is that after his matter of time, which seemed like it took forever, he stepped into hearing all that I had to share as well and rather than fall from the grief of what he had done, he was able to rise to do this better. This is you and this is me. Sometimes we are worse but in other moments we are far better than we had hoped. Small things, like believing in how a word feels for you, can illuminate your trail so that a little more of you is able to go through. Oh hell, what a journey we are each on in the discovery of how the nothings that appear to come from nowhere are the somethings that lead to falling and walking in circles. This starts with the perfect person looking in the mirror and saying “I am sorry”. I’m just going to wait right here because I wonder how you hold your words as well as your pain. Whatever the way, together and not together, we can raise a little hell with the help of a little more of you and of course your sometime warrior.
On Monday, November 30 we will be uploading our second podcast. Our hope is that what you hear will be a part of helping you to get to know a little more of you because, after all, the strongest and the weakest you will ever be will be in how you hold your words. Have the best day possible for you. Love always, Heavell.
In a life that is so very heavell, it is not just the personal emotional definitions of words that create conflict but also the when, where and how long our reactions to what can be found there effects us. Grief, just like addiction, can seemingly appear out of no where even when we think we are all right or at the very least hope we are. When that happens, we can feel as if we are on a rollercoaster that we cannot get off of and the power of those emotions can leave us feeling weak and fearful. They can also convince the place that needs us most that this trail and we ourselves are impossible as it feeds the hell of whatever our stories are. That adversity is further exasperated when others do not or cannot understand why we are in that place again and thus attempt to control it. There are many moments that I am able to laugh until my stomach hurts because it can be that kind of day with people who find beauty wherever they are. There are also, however, many in which there are triggers that remind me of what has been lost to me and those times can hurt as much as the very first day that Ryan was no longer in this world. When that something that appears to come from nowhere takes over, I am a mess. Unfortunately what can also be found there is the uncomfortableness of others when I do fall. I have realized that their reactions are familiar to me as their view is exactly the same as the one they shared during the years of Ryan’s addiction. There is a cycle there that at first glance appears to be a part of the solution but in fact and opinion is actually a piece of the problem. It is the continuation of a pattern, like a rollercoaster, that does not just belong to addiction or grief. While we may have heavenly expectations, the real truth is that we are all perfectly, irritatingly messy people in different and similar ways. The value of the anything and the everything can only come from the heart of the beholder if we want change to occur in the place that needs that individual most to do so. There is, after all, quite a bit of room within each of us for the details of our own words to lift us up, keep us walking in circles and to create messes without the outside attempting to control how we carry it or feel it. What a journey this has been for me and for you as well as Ryan and all the other dreams that are no longer here. It has been one that holds grief, also known as pain, anger and fear, by the hand and at times makes it hard to breathe even when we do feel brave. If you are going to do what I say, then get ready for the fall because it is actually a part of the solution in getting to know all of the I’m possible that you are actually capable of. In other words, beauty, messes, grief, understanding and even addiction are not defined by one person, place or thing but are rather a variety of places to go through and feel with your own expressions and experiences. Oh hell, what a journey we are each on and with the help of our flowers and those weeds, also known as the dreaded “f” moments, we are the sometime warriors who carry the weight of the world for all to see. I am going to lean in to hear my grief because hiding or denying it will only make it stronger but I am also not going to become it as I have always been so much more than what can be found there. Be kind but be loud in the words that you say as you lean in to hear your story while holding a box of tissues for the moments that hurt as well as the ones that make you laugh. You can, of course, continue to go that way in which case tomorrow just might be the better day to turn around to look into the mirror to see what a journey like yours has created. Whatever you do though, make sure you show up for yourself by also saying the words “I am sorry that you are here. How can I help?”
Recent Comments