When dragons call, it can feel as if we are too far gone to ever get away from the repetitive conversations so we stop in familiar places and feel identical reactions because, after all, if they are here, then we must also belong in those same dark spaces as well.
Its a continuous grieving for not only the people, places and things that have been lost along our journeys but also for the loss of who we had dreamed of being and the happiness that we had hoped for.
I have had quite a lot of time to think about what grief means while walking in circles in my own home and I never imagined how hard it would be to truly trust being happy when I have never really had confidence in the lines of all the other feels that have existed in my story as well.
If what I have heard so many times before keeps being repeated and it has become so much easier to just let the weather wash over me and to begin singing along before the words have even begun, how can I stop living in the yesterdays?
Maybe, that slipping back is because different hasn’t prevented the forward acceleration of what has been consistently applied in the past, leaving me feeling as if I haven’t tried to change even though I now carry exhaustion from those unseen movements as well.
Sometimes, everything is wrong and in other moments I am simply being fooled by the self-doubt that has grown over time from harsh ideas that seemed like forever statements but were never really mine to hold to begin with despite what my dragons have been trained to echo.
And so I am learning that just because painful pieces of my art appear again and again, whispering to me to regress, by rehearsing my acknowledgment of them, those shadow energies are slowly fading, allowing me to be all right in the spaces that were originally created from my tears.
Long ago, when “once upon a time” was first placed on our papers, hidden in plain sight was the light that writing something “once” was never meant to be a forever after but “once” we have begun the practice of singing along in unison, conversations with dragons die hard and happiness feels undependable.
Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
I have watched you over the years, wandering back and forth through the weather of emotions that have remained fully committed to leading us back to the space where no one, including ourselves, knows how to meet us at whatever point that we were currently in.
I have made notes about your struggles in making art out of your everyday feelings and the sacrifices that came from the exhaustion of carrying what was never ours to hold to begin with.
I have put the lists of the items that are associated with your anger and sorrow where I can easily find them so that when the feels surface to fill and empty you, we are both in agreement.
I, on behalf of you, have given a voice to “the what ifs and the whys” so that you will know what that silent scream deep inside of you sounds like as it surfaces.
I have replayed all the reasons for staying in the familiarity of the darkness by telling you that happiness is something that only happens when everything comes together, and our conflicts prevent that from ever being possible.
I have told you that even though there isn’t any way to know how to manage all the layers of what was never imagined, somehow you should have known exactly how to cope with the feelings that came.
I have been, all along, devoted to providing you with pieces of grief whenever and wherever you are so that you would realize that new people, places and things can’t prevent us from being stuck in yesterday’s situations on the inside.
I have also implied to you that the outcome matters more than just doing your best because those are the words of the same story that I have gotten used to repeating to you.
I have also told you that it is better to hide your emotions than to experience them otherwise that would have required me to stop telling you the tall tales about how allowing feels to ebb and flow is weakness.
I have also led you to believe that it isn’t all right to make yourself a priority or to seek help because keeping your suffering secret has fit into my compacity of understanding strength even though we both know that that is how sadness exists day after day.
Together, you and I have built this life around a cycle of doubt in moments, words and the weather that have never once granted us the grace to make mistakes or to find out how to show up for ourselves in the places that need support.
I am tired of that judgement that has encircled our journey and wish to tell you that I have reached the end of its existence, and so it is with the hope that you desire change as much as I do that, I am writing a letter home.
I know you are afraid but nothing else matters other than going forward together so let’s give it a go with the same quiet courage that we have used right up to this point, just with better information that allows joy to meet us where we are.
Within a seed is a plant that then brings the opportunity for more vegetation to develop from it much like how a single word can artfully develop a whole narration that we will listen to on repeat even though we shouldn’t.
There is no comfort in what we have gotten use to agreeing with and while we are aware that it breaks our hearts, we just can’t seem to say no to those stories that take advantage of our woundedness.
So, we search for something that doesn’t look like we do, that could surely keep the light from dimming but because change is hard to understand as well as to act on, we end up talking to ourselves with words that remain disconnected.
That vulnerability then pushes us to seemingly move our locations and yet that choice of a familiar survival skill doesn’t really produce the results that we hope for, and it certainly doesn’t keep us from wandering further away from taking better care of ourselves.
So, despite those implemented differences, things return to unfolding in disappointing ways in the next moment or the one after that and so on as if transformation has decided to dismiss us over the negative reviews that continue to follow us around.
Every pip that doesn’t function properly makes us see ourselves so differently that we miss out on the actuality of who we are while also shifting our weight to align with the direction of the suffering that easily empties out any other seeds we have.
That group mentality of colorful emotions and phrases takes up space by telling us to accept that they are some sort of haven in our complicated gardens and meeting them again and again validates the belief that we only exist within them.
Looking back, we have survived what we didn’t think we needed to know how to write about, however all we owe the words that have been imprinted on us is to pick which ones to expand our relationship with while letting the others that want the worst for us to fade away.
If we can be this committed to rehearsed narrations that don’t bring comfort, then we can also be the people devoted to becoming the pip of a story that in a valid but different definition means being someone who is liked very much.
Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
The further away we believe we are from strength’s descriptions, the more we are aware of the war that darkness has with our functioning and it’s in those moments that we feel left out of the idea of what resilience seems to be for others.
How we exist in the truth of the negativity that places us in the corner isn’t even altered by holding onto positivity and we just end up feeling even more vulnerable and disconnected.
And so, we pretend to solve that gap with words and smiles that hide the disarray in our own homes while passing time on pages that don’t take us to where we want to be.
Sorrow will, of course, remain in our hearts as the details of that label are unforgettable, but getting past that which is ordinary is something that we can grow enough around to limit its impact.
So how do we get to the point where we can trust how we work as individuals instead of wishing for different or to even be someone else in our own stories?
It is, after all, very difficult to jump from the consciousness of hearing repetitive words that hurt to the extreme of taking seriously a pattern of terms that we don’t currently resonate with, but we can ease into expanding the experiences of what we already know.
When the dark seems to be copying itself, there is the option to color it over with the understanding that the lighting may be poor, but we are slowly stepping into laying down what has blocked our view of how durable we have actually been.
Once we are comfortable with that simple change, then it is possible to move that newly acquired limitation by recognizing that while it’s still somewhat dim, this pigment is now the proof that the function of vocalizing what oppresses us is becoming our own.
The darkness can keep us from noticing that its messages are made up with things that have no desire to truly see us and with our silence, it appears to have no end, but a lot of how strength has been defined for us leaves out the murkiness that exists along its development.
We can only be dismissed if we leave the community of ourselves, where doing the best that we can is enough as we begin updating our own words as a part of our work of art and learn to ignore the content that fits in with the stories of others.
It feels impossible to imagine different hues when it comes to our suffering but love always invites us to not save or let go of the dark but to work with its different shades until we find the right lighting that doesn’t ruin the ending of the pages that we have yet to turn to.
Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
Regardless of where we are, feels can stir up our words so much so that in the conversations with ourselves, lies sound like the righteousness of our stories while the truth shape shifts into the lying dragons that remind us we are living without being enough.
We don’t even have to say why those cycles of feelings have moved forward anymore because their opinions are the weight that we have become so very familiar with in the automatic chats of the troubles that hold us back.
And it’s the intrusive way in which that debris covers us that makes the sincerity of the quieter spots the kind of moments where we fake smiles of being fine as often as we pretend to see the glow of hope in the committed relationships that we have had with the darkness.
But no matter how much time we have lived in vulnerability through the pieces of what the truth has meant in our stories, we can still meet up with the honest view that strength does not the signify the absence of fear or depression nor does anger exude strength.
Our view of what the enemy looks like tells us that we should only have certain thoughts and steps to avoid the bad weather in our hearts but art in the land of gardens balances all stages as being necessary processes regardless of how they look or feel.
We don’t need to have all of the answers however it is essential that we create the conditions that support what hurts and feels wasted within our homes because all of what has seemed to own us is worthy of being seen and held by us.
For every word there is another within it and another and yet still another that deep down embodies our emotions and there is safety as well as power in choosing which one speaks to us and when it is allowed to.
So if today feels dark, the less negative version is that the day is poorly lit and we have the option to look at the truth of that and feel uncomfortable but to also breathe in that we have begun to surround our suffering with the quiet version of love that we have been hoping would come to support us all along.
We have repeatedly done what the words we wear have said so when we hear them trying to lay waste to moments they don’t belong in with memories of our woundedness, its time for us to let those friendships decay.
There won’t be some sort of final good-bye or dramatic release of the pain nevertheless there will be a silent expansion in the honesty of how we feel in our grief as well as a slow reveal of how opinions from the yesterdays were merely the old survival tactics of lies, truths and of course dragons.
Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
There is a visibility problem within us that the darkness uses to pin us down with belief that we are on journeys where being likeable means being demure about who we are and fitting in feels like a sanctuary away from the things that have taken root in our self-portraits.
Our familiar way of being contains the symptoms of dragons that haven’t left us alone in awhile and the deep, negative words living in our hearts and minds so much so that our hope becomes one of finding a finish, of some kind, for the grief that is stuck on repeat.
But if we are not recognizable in the vocabulary of the packaged deals that we see, what we think those misidentified points of light have shown us about ourselves becomes another barrier on the list of what is between us and happiness.
We can’t use what has been defined elsewhere to recover the safety that has become buried in our blended layers without being shifted further into isolation in the very homes that the different versions of who we are reside in.
And yet placing ourselves in the middle of the view of what has happened on the inside also fills us up with messages that don’t communicate well enough for our gardens to thrive within the presence of weeds as well as the occasional desirable feelings.
We don’t pretend to suffer so acting as if we are all right until the noise is gone only allows the dark to continue voicing it’s opinions, coaxing us deeper into our own misery, but just because it’s speaking, it doesn’t mean that the invite can’t be declined.
The relationship that we are seeking within ourselves lives in the conflict of what has never been meek for us so what works best to get through isn’t turning down the volume of what we know but to start practicing how to adjust the impact of those effects for ourselves.
What weeds do is reveal the spots that we are not treating our very own selves well in and what we can do with that knowledge is become available to show up to sit with them even though it’s dark.
This is me and sometimes the absence of light threatens to separate me from learning to love myself in the gloom of my story but slowly that particular voice is becoming a loud shield in the art of living my so very heavell life.
Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
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