Life has a no return policy because with each passing moment, we are adding more and more to our parts; preventing our return to who we were in the moments before. Life has gone on since Ryan died but that part of me remains in the yesterdays; laying down from the trauma. I am learning to be all right in the other parts of myself; while not being all right in that one. I am still working to figure out who I will be; because I have to go forward. Ryan had also struggled to see who he was going to be in the tomorrows; after having been defined by his drug use for so long. He had to learn to allow himself to be and feel so much more than just that. For me, everything can appear to be all right in one moment and then completely change in the next; often without warning. Memories appear out of nowhere or are triggered by a thought. a sound, a smell or from something that is seen or felt. They bring my little boxes of feelings, that are hidden in the shadows, to life again. They are bittersweet as they bring the hell but also carry the heaven. All of it makes understanding me, for myself as well as for others, challenging. Ryan would know what I am feeling through all of the losses he had been through; but I can’t talk to him about it. Do those kind of things happen for you; whether an addict or not? Even if our pain, parts, lives or BLAHS are different, can you understand me? Do you feel the same? Here’s to having it all in a life that is so very heavell. It’s all right, you can stay in this place for a moment but just because you are doesn’t mean you should forget that your sometime warrior is waiting for you. As you are, you are the only one who has the key; as the heavell keeper of your part on the whole. Please hold on because it’s just a matter of time; and the next moment will be here soon.
In the words of songwriter and artist Tyler Jenkins (formerly of Brokenhourglass):
What are the repercussions Getting lost in these discussions Who I am and who I wanna be For me that is a touchy subject One day I’m feelin happy And the next I’m feelin sad All this built up in depression Slowly transitions to aggression I can tell that everyone thinks That I should be on some type of medicine The guardian angel that’s behind me Is it heaven sent? Or is this better then I’ll ever get?
The words that we use hold the definitions of our feelings and beliefs; despite what the dictionary says the words mean or what others may feel about them. They are a view into the things that are on the inside of us; made up of what has been, seen, felt and especially the BLAH. Our emotional definitions can change, evolve or stay the same as we add moments to our parts. About ten years ago, I sat at the funeral of Ryan’s girlfriend; a beautiful rose lost from the world of dreams. Yesterday I spoke with her father for the first time in years; I wanted to let him know that Ryan had died at the end of May. He said “We belong to a group that no one ever wants to be a part of.” The real truth is that living through something changes our consciousness of the words; giving them a life of their own. I had no idea what it felt like to lose a child, despite being able to perceive of what it probably entailed, until that BLAH occurred in my life. Even the powerful fear that I had felt over the years during Ryan’s substance abuse did not prepare me for the emotions I feel today. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What feelings have you chained to their meaning; especially the BLAH? Can you accept that they express the all that has been for you; and others may not see nor feel the same way? Yesterday was what it was. Today is what it is. Tomorrow, however, holds the hope that will lead to finding the beauty in hell. Can you even imagine that or are you scared? It’s all right, just take the hand of courage as well as that of fear and breathe in brave. We really are alike when in unfamiliar and uncomfortable places so here’s to you just being you; and I will just be me. After all, the art of living in addiction isn’t just about the part that has been defining you; but rather what you do with the all of you. Love, Heaven, Hell and your Sometime Warrior.
Thank you to Tyler at @iamtylerjenkins for once again bringing another perspective through your words.
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