Taylor and I just returned from a weekend in Nashville. We were there so that she could participate in a medical study at Vanderbilt University. It is the third one in the country that she has been involved in. Unfortunately during Taylor’s freshman year at college, she had been challenged with a lot of stress and some traumas; which resulted in an illness that lead to a disease with no known cure. The studies that she has been assisting the researchers in are searching for a cure for her as well as some similar diseases that others suffer from; each person, place, thing, moment or BLAH can and does play a role on the circle of heavell. Over the weekend we encountered a variety of people that imparted a thought or a wisdom that reminded us that it’s not always easy to find the beauty in hell nor to adjust to the challenges that hell can bring. We have been so focused on finding heaven, the cure, that we had forgotten that there is much to see, feel, hear and learn; no matter where we are. It is better for us to be together, on the inside as well as on the outside, than it is for us to be apart; because a part or some parts can never equal a whole.
On the first part of our journey to Nashville, a woman seated next to me, relayed a story about her husband. He has been successful in lifting up those that feel hell on the inside and then express it on the outside: imparting that they are so much more than that. This man owned a store and whenever someone stole from it, he put that person to work in order to pay him back for those taken items; rather than having them arrested. She stated that the majority of the offenders became valuable employees. She also mentioned that her husband had himself been a hell-bringer in his younger days. The green truth is that someone is or only can be hell or heaven; and as such should be treated that way. The real truth is that we are each a circle of heavell; even when only one may be perceived of. What do you see when you look in the mirror? How about when you look at others? I, myself, have not always been able to see the all that I have been nor the all that others have been. It can be easier to focus on a part or only some of the parts; particularly when they effect us and or others. Come along fallen angels because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I.
Taylor has felt deeply every painful part that this disease has brought to her; physically, emotionally and mentally. All the plans that she had made in the yesterdays, fell away as she realized that hell had become the place that she would just be in; adjustments would have to be made. When faced with the prospect of being in heaven or in hell, it is understandable why we would desire only the parts that are made of heaven. It took about two years for us to meet the doctor who would know what was happening to Taylor; giving rise to the hope that had been lost in the shadows of that hell. It left again, though, when we were informed that there was no cure. A lack of knowledge about it has prevented that from being a possibility at this point; the reason why she is participating in the studies. Hearing the words of the doctor left me feeling just as I had in the revelation of Ryan’s drug use; lost, hopeless and scared. The words “What will we do now? ” fell from my lips once again. Whether we are talking about addiction, people, things, a disease, moments, words or the BLAH, each has the ability to carry the weight of the world; as perceived by the heart of the beholder. Please stand by because hope can be found with its’ friends courage and fear; but you have to breathe in brave in order to find it.
As Taylor was going through the tests, I was able to spend quite a lot of time with the researchers. One of them made a statement that left me feeling as if I were hanging in mid-air; the beauty that can be found in hell is not easily seen nor understood when we are living there. She stated that the disease may be a way for the body to protect itself against another disease. In other words, solving it might open the door to another hell that was possibly not curable. I was speechless as I contemplated all that could be; the pursuit of our perceived heaven would require adjustments. The addiction in our lives has also behaved in a very similar manner by showing us that there are other hells that live within and around the easily seen one. Sometimes the familiarity of the hell known is better than the ones we don’t want to or can’t even perceive of; whether an addict or not. It is also easier to believe that if we focus on one part as being the problem, the other parts will be or are fine. That is a green truth, though, because a tree can bring down a whole forest just as a part can affect a whole.
We can make it no matter where we are as long as we use nothing but the whole of ourselves. We have the ability to lift ourselves up by looking in the mirror to remember all that we are. Where have you been in your heart? Why have you been there? Share your feelings with me and I will share mine with you so that we may understand each other. Are you ready to see you or are you scared? If you are just say you are because we all are at some point. I’m scared because another hell is most assuredly down the trail but we will use the all of us to face it; we shouldn’t be here and yet we are. It is our ability to face adversity together, not our ability to love or be loved, that determines the success or failure of parts, people, relationships, things, addiction or the BLAH. Be kind to yourself while you pick your weeds as well as smell your flowers. The real truth is that hell isn’t easy and heaven isn’t the only place where beauty can be found. It matters not what I say but what you do with the knowledge of all of you. We are better together than we are apart because we have always been meant to be whole; treat both the heaven and the hell equally so that you may be. I believe in your heavell. Do you?
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