Begin Something New #179

It is easy enough to think that someone should not behave in a certain manner, such as using substances or being angry, but it has never been that simple to understand why an individual is or has been doing so. After all, no matter what we desire we can’t just stop being who we are, that repeating of cycles and behaviors, merely because others or even ourselves think we should be doing this differently. So what does that mean? There is a parting of our thoughts and our feelings on the inside that makes initiating and holding onto change difficult which can result in falls and the continuation of the feeding of the hell even when we don’t want it or hate it. We have the ability to understand what is needed in order to begin something new but what we believe, in the place that needs us most, has a way of telling us that we are impossible. That particular part carries the weight of the world and has the loudest voice that can show up in the moments that are all right or even in the tomorrows. Let’s take the term anger and what it really is a statement of. When I expressed that emotion in the yesterdays, I thought it was because l was justified in my reactions to the behaviors of others. In other words, I was thinking about what was occurring on the outside of me rather than recognizing what I was feeling on the inside where I actually had the power to lean in to hear me. Ryan’s death, for instance, fed several long months of anger that felt so justified in my heart and because of that I moved my thoughts to agree with that feeling and yet it was really grief that was breathing within me. That anger was a form of protection during that vulnerable and painful time that was not unlike how I felt when I first discovered Ryan was using substances. Even today there are still moments when anger rises in me but I am aware that it means there is something on the inside that needs my attention. Are you aware that you can react with anger today for something that occurred long ago in the yesterdays? Or blame others for feeling that way even though you are actually mad at yourself? Or that you can feel overwhelmed and anxious in the quiet moments too? Or that grief, pain and fear are expressed in the incredibly loud voices of anger and substance use? Everything and anything that needs to be illuminated will find a way to do so most often in detrimental ways because we are taking it all with us wherever we go. Until we understand what we feel on the inside, it will continue to effect us as well as others for far longer than it should. So while words are what we think of and know, what each of us has chained to them is the view into our personal kind of life and what it will take to believe in being possible as individuals; different even when we appear to be similar. A parting of the mind and the heart, then, is necessary so that we may not only perceive of this so very heavell life but also feel it as only each of us can as essential parts on the circle of it. It’s good to be home because it’s the place where we can begin something new by focusing on what we are experiencing or have instead of the resulting behaviors or those of others. Oh hell give yourself a moment and a word for that matter so that you may find a different truth and understanding for what has made you feel weak on the inside. I am going to continue to wait right here while you get to know you and the small things such as the definition of beauty that can also always be found wherever you are.