I believe in your hell because you do; as it has been seen from your position on the circle of heavell. I also accept it as being the truth for you; as felt in the heart of the beholder of all that has been in your yesterdays. But just because you have been through, see and or feel the hell, it does not mean it is the whole of you; or all that will ever be. When we are consumed by hurt, also known as anger and fear, it can be hard to breathe in or believe in anything other than the moments, feelings and the BLAH of hell. The power of the things that we hold to be true, especially what we say to ourselves, grows in strength when we fail to recognize every part of us; the anything and the everything that we are, have been or will be. Sometime warriors are found within us when we need them; whether they stand for a very short period of time or a long one. It can be challenging to remember or even to recognize the value of our heavenly moments and parts; especially when they seem small or inconsequential in comparison to the more easily seen “f” ones or pieces. One of the consequences of adversity is the failure to treat the heaven and the hell equally on the inside as well as the outside of us. Those moments when the sometime warrior stands are the times we should accept the proof of its existence; no matter how fleeting its appearance may be. The real truth is that just because someone is fractured, whether an addict or not, it does not mean that a sometime warrior doesn’t live on the inside. Have you ever seen the one that breathes within you? A part of sobriety can be found in the changing of the thought processes that have been created during the use of substances; or even prior to. By challenging the negativity, the pain, the anger or the anxiety that you feel, you can move away from the parts that feed the hell; and step towards the place where you can just be. Because you do have heaven and hell within you, you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you but never to deny any of them; as its detrimental to your wellbeing. What if in a moment like this, you apologized to yourself for forgetting that while you do bring hell, you also bring heaven; whether realized or not? The art of living in heavell means walking on your trail, moving in circles at times, being a sometime warrior, a “f” moment maker, feeling the BLAH and doing all of that and more every day; working to find the beauty no matter where you are in whatever moment you are. So take the hand of courage as well as the hand of fear and breathe in brave because while the loudest part in you may be addiction, it’s not all that you are; just take it one part at a time. I’m not it even though I believe in your hell and your real truth; because it matters not what I say but what you do with the knowledge of all of you.
We have a rule in our house that each of us must do everything we can in order to help ourselves; laying down is an option as long as standing happens periodically. Ryan’s drug use was an attempt to help himself; justified but detrimental to his wellbeing. Since his passing, I have spent a lot of time thinking about all that has been in the yesterdays. There are a lot of moments and things that I did right, wrong and everything else in between. The knowledge of all of it is important because its a part of who I am; as well as who I will become. It is not meant to destroy me but to bring forth that which needs to be seen and dealt with; accepted or changed. So what if you are an addict? Figure out what came first for you; the addiction or the pain. You may be justified in the things that you have done but that doesn’t make them right; especially for you. Use the knowledge that you have today and step forward in doing everything you can to help yourself. Because you do have a sometime warrior within you, if you fall, you will stand for a moment or for a long time or everything else in between. It is up to you whether addiction continues to be a hell like no other or if it becomes your superpower. I am still crying over the loss of Ryan but I am also smiling and laughing about him as well; because he was a student, a teacher, an addict, beautiful and so very heavell. Please stand by as hope exists because of the sometime warriors; just as heaven and hell live because you do.
Thank you Blake for allowing me to use your photos in last week’s and this week’s blog. See you soon.
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