We take with us, wherever we go, the anything and the everything that has happened in our lives; the chains that bind us as well as the hope and the happiness. What is on the inside cannot be seen except when it is expressed on the outside; as a view into what is in need of being dealt with and or celebrated. I have been surprised by how many times my grief has suddenly appeared and overwhelmed me; especially when I have thought I was all right or the situation was. There are days, moments and even the BLAH, when I don’t want to do this well; for myself and or for others. I imagine that Ryan went through similar things in his attempts to be sober as well as in not wanting to be; the difficulty of all of it lies solely in the heart of the beholder. The understanding of why some days are so much harder than other ones escapes me at this point; particularly if those days appear to be the same as the other ones. The real truth is that there is no person, place, thing, substance, words or the BLAH that I can hide with or in that will keep the suffering from seeking me; tricks are not just for drugs as they belong to pain as well. Ryan told me that “If an addict tells you that he or she is sober or is staying so because of you, it is a lie. The day will come when you will not be enough to keep him or her from falling; particularly if the all that has been has not been dealt with.” I can perceive of that statement as I walk in circles while standing and laying down in any given moment; doing and not doing what I should or shouldn’t regardless of others. The misery, which has become the loudest part within me, has pushed my other pieces into the shadows; especially that sometime warrior of mine. Ryan, as an addict, and I, as a non-addict, were really alike even though we stood in different positions on the circle of heavell. When our little boxes of feelings become deafening it can be hard to distinguish anything other than the hell. What if you were to be amazed by some of your parts being loud enough to thrust your heaven parts right into the shadows; seemingly lost and yet still there? What if you were to realize that for better or for worse, all of it is yours to have and to hold; as the heavell keeper of your life? After all you did not step into heaven or into hell or even into addiction as a part and you are not leaving as one either.
I was asked to speak about Ryan at his memorial in Kansas City for approximately two to four minutes. I laughed when I heard the time frame because I don’t think I have ever spoken about anything for such a short period of time. However, one of the ways that I have been affected by his death has been through the loss of my words or rather my voice; as it pertains to speaking. It’s not that I don’t talk but rather that I have changed in the how, the when, the why and even the if I do at all. Simply I have lost one of the strongest parts of me to the shadows; through the trauma as well as the BLAH. This is an unfamiliar and uncomfortable place for me to just be in; even with the knowledge of being justified in doing and feeling so. It’s not easy being in a place where, no matter what you do, you cannot undo what has been done; nor get away from the suffering and the fear that comes with it. I am reminded of the line that was said by one of my favorite addicts: “I just don’t want to feel the pain” It’s amazing how effortless that thought comes to mind; along with the understanding as to why no one would ever want to feel the hell. I am also now aware of why it was never that straightforward for Ryan to just do as I said or to hold on even in the days that seemed to be okay; as I haven’t been able to do so either. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else says to me because its my feelings that have brought me to this place; and its mine that I will be taking with me if and when I am eventually able to step forward. Life has always been more than just words as it is filled with moments that invoke emotions that are not always describable through them. When we lose our hope, as parts or moments envelope us, it can be all but impossible to hold on; whether an addict or not. What if you were to say “I am sorry” to yourself; because you deserve that kindness, at the very least, from yourself? What if you were to understand that what has been, is and was powerful enough to cause you, an angel, a dream, to fall; but while lost, you are still there hiding in the shadows? If today seems to be okay but you are not feeling strong, that’s all right because neither am I. In the yesterdays, as well as what will be in the tomorrows, are all of our “f” moments that have contained the failures, the fun and everything else in between. We are the perfect people to bring, be and feel the heaven and the hell in life. As such each of us holds a position on the circle of heavell that is essential to it being whole; rather than being fractured with only some parts. Lets look in the mirror and be amazed by the amount of work and creativity that has gone into each of us; in any given moment, trauma and or celebrations.
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