Feelings are the driving force behind all behaviors whether they are good or bad. We use drugs, alcohol, or BLAH as coping tools not knowing when we start, if we are going to be able to stop or will even want to. The more a coping tool is cathartic, the better the relief and thus the more we are willing to run from our emotional pain. When reality comes rushing in, so does that suffering, and more is then needed to find the release from it. When this had first begun, drugs enraged me in a manner that I never thought was possible for me to feel. Drugs brought me to my knees, stole my poster child, and adversely affected my other children; they placed us in hell. As the situation continued, my feelings of rage expanded from drugs to the experts who had said to talk to my children about them, to those who are tasked with keeping the drugs out of this country and to Mexico with its drug cartels who are supplying the drugs to our children. Eventually those feelings settled on all those who had an opinion or judgement and yet were not willing to show up to do the work that was needed; the non-believers. Talking to kids about drugs is a green truth. All of the parents that I have spoken with have stated that they did speak to their children about drugs. Just like myself, they were dumbfounded as to how they were now dealing with an addict after doing as the experts have claimed is the answer to prevention. If it were the answer, then why are we in an epidemic? If it works, then why would anyone ever start? Not stop? Are there really that many dreams not fit for survival? Just because it was the answer of yesterday, does not mean it was the right answer then nor the right one for today; behaving so is the reason why we are here. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do; sometimes in secret. Talking about drugs with children and the consequences of them, is our opinion based on our knowledge. However, children believe they are invincible, no one knows they will be an addict until they start and per the experts, rebellion is a natural part of a teen’s development towards maturity. Do as I say not as I do makes us hypocrites. Do not lie if you do not want your children to. Do not lack accountability if you do not want your children to. I talked repeatedly to my children about not doing drugs. I, however, did not listen to nor understand that their feelings were the most critical factor in the prevention of drug use. It is their feelings that drive them towards cathartic tools not my words that prevent it. Do not fail to hear your children if you want them to hear you. Do not fail to see your children if you want them to see you. We cannot continue to repeat the past expecting a different outcome. Everyone listens to the snake and bites the apples and the price is our dreams. We cannot undo what has been done but we can learn from the past, by not repeating it, which leads to change for tomorrow. Every dream here and gone matters.
Yesterday I had lunch with a friend who has a young child. During our conversation, she relayed all things she is doing to help her son and to prevent his following the path of addiction that has plagued that family. She has him in counseling in order to deal with those life traumas; no matter how big or how small. She talks with and listens to him. She has shared her emotional pain with him as well as her traumas in words that are age appropriate. All of these things are excellent choices in communication and the understanding of each of their feelings. I asked her if she has shared with her son how she is now coping with her emotional pain. The pain in her eyes said more than her words. She has acknowledged her pain but she has not coped with it other than by removing the person who is responsible for it from her life; she is still suffering. How will her son cope with his suffering if he does not see her and hear her as she goes through the process? My children know that I made mistakes in this; huge ones. They also know that I am a hypocrite if I ask them to change, to do this better, when I justify my behavior just because I am the adult. We lead angels to where they fall. I think often about that police officer who told me to let Ryan go because he had let his daughter go. His need to behave today as yesterday as he will probably do in the future has cost him his dream. I may still lose my fallen angel in this hell but it won’t be because I had to justify my behavior at all costs. What we can or cannot do for our addicts is based upon our individual abilities and is not open to judgement from anyone; especially the non-believers. What we can do is work on ourselves. We can learn to know our feelings and their feelings. We can value us and them. On the circle of heavell in your life and in mine, everyone affects everyone whether good or bad. We can change just as we ask them to because we are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. Addicts and non-addicts are really the same because we all justify, judge and avoid the accountability of the things that the mirror sees in all of us. You are your guide out of hell and only you can do work while hoping that you are leading your fallen angels to do this better as well. Do as you say not as you pretend to do; never be that right because it will cost you your dream.
How do you feel? How do you cope? What can you learn to do better? The fallen angels have been speaking for a long time. They are dying because we behave today as we did yesterday as we will justify tomorrow. We cannot undo what has been done. For our sins no matter how big or how small. Addicts and non-addicts are the same. The circle of heavell. Tricks are not just for drugs. The snake speaks. Mirror, mirror just tell the truth because every dream matters. I scream, you scream, we all scream and nothing changes. The green truths.
There was a letter to the editor in the newspaper last week, written by a “former” addict, who suggested the consideration that those who overdose should not be saved per Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection. This person stated that he or she had been an addict for a brief time but had chosen to get it together as all addicts must do. I surmised from the writer’s choice of words, and my emotional definitions of those words, that all dreams that have died or will die were essentially not fit for survival; therefore not truly a loss. Initially I was surprised that there was a person who felt that way until I realized that that thought process is very common; the remedy to the inconvenience of addicts. I thought about the police officer who told me to let my son go. I thought about the medical professionals who have all but said that Ryan is an addict so he doesn’t really matter; justifying their poor treatment of him based upon his poor treatment of himself. I pondered those young men who tried to dump his body after he had overdosed as if he were nothing. I reflected on the non-believers who would prefer I turn away from Ryan rather than fight to help him save himself; not a single one has ever told Ryan to keep up the good fight. I even contemplated the fallen angels that are no more, the ones I personally knew, who overdosed, committed suicide or died because of an illness developed through addiction. I considered the behavior of the president of another country who justifies and applies the death penalty to addicts. I thought about the inventor of the drug used to turn overdoses around, called Narcan, who lost his stepson to an overdose. Most of all I thought about how different the past eleven years would have been if Ryan had died from his overdose. I would not be here. I would not have looked in the mirror. I would not have met all the amazing people who have taught me so much about life, love and pain through their battles with addiction for themselves or their children or their loved ones. In essence all my children, each of those people and this hell has helped me to become a better person. This means that perfectly, irritatingly, messy people are here to teach us as well as learn from us. By behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow is why we are here with addiction growing everyday. The green truth is that it is the addicts fault for not getting it together or at least appearing to be good. The real truth is we all did this by believing we don’t have to be accountable for our role on the circle of heavell.
Last week, via an overdose, Heavell lost a dream . This young woman was a friend of Ashlee’s from several years back. The last time Ashlee had spoken to her, she had been hiding in a closet after surviving a trauma; one of many in her life. She left behind a young child. A child that, despite having a father to take care of him, is now a victim of addiction. I wonder if when he grows up, he will understand that his mother was not fit for survival and be okay with that. I fear that he will feel as if a piece of him is missing and not be able to cope. Is it worse to lose a loved one to death quickly or to continually worry about death for years? How will each of the people who loved this dream cope? Will it be the same today as yesterday as tomorrow? Was she alone in death as she felt in life? Happy people do not alter their state of being. Unhappy people do, coping through substances that provide them relief from their pain, no matter what the cost may be. Treat others how you would want to be treated because if it is good enough for them, it is good enough for you. Would you want me to decide for you whether your child or loved one gets to survive or not? Get out of hell or not? Look in the mirror and see your role, then turn and look at every other position. There are people who consistently push against Ryan and other addicts because they do not want them to get out of hell. They don’t really care about my dream, your dream or anyone else’s dream even though they appear to be good. Trick’s are not just for drugs. They are also for people which makes this hell so much worse. The concept of Darwin’s Natural Selection, as apparently so many feel is the remedy for addicts, was never meant to be affected or influenced by humans; especially those who lack accountability for their own role on the circle of heavell. The deaths of addicts will never remove our sins no matter how big nor how small. Everyone listens to the snake while biting the apples and the mirror sees it all.
Prayers to the family and friends of the young woman from last week and any other dream who is no longer here. All of the fallen angels have impacted us. We see the greatness of each of those dreams and feel the loss of them too. We cannot undo what has been done but because of your presence we can change tomorrow. You are our guides out of hell but it is up to us to choose to listen.
People often talk about the achievements of their children. Achievements are concrete things that are easily seen and understood; they are not a measure of happiness. What no person has ever said to me is whether or not their children are happy nor whether or not they are coping well in life. Why is that? If I ask someone if his or her child is happy, the parent usually looks surprised and replies yes. We make assumptions that the attainment of jobs, education, vacations, houses, vehicles, clothes and BLAH leads to happiness but they do not. They are certainly important and can remove some of the stress in life but they are in no way an indication of how someone is actually coping emotionally. How we see and hear ourselves, as well as others, is an indication of our coping skills and our happiness level. Concrete items are the green truth. They are found in the cliff notes in life. We want these things and we need these things but they can never meet our emotional needs; using them as a definition of ourselves is why we are here. We can be in a room full of people, having the best of BLAH and still be as lonely as we are in an empty house. Everyday we affect others in positive and negative manners that carry far greater weight than any concrete item ever will. On the circle of heavell you are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem. Your achievements will not remove your accountability for that. Once at a holiday party a woman, that my husband and I know, ran around whispering to all the other people about me. What she said I do not know. What she did though was encourage these other people to mistreat me. The snake spoke and the apples were eaten. Everyone is doing it however just because you can does not mean you should. Her conscious choice, as well as the behaviors of the others, spoke volumes about who they truly were versus who they appear to be. Education, money, clothes, religion, charitable donations, BLAH will never make wrong behavior right; appearing to be good based on concrete items does not actually make you good nor happy. I am an adult and it took a lot of strength to stand and smile despite what was being done. I walked away from that situation maintaining who I am and made the easy choice to never interact with any of those people again. How do we expect children or even the fallen angels to stand through such common behavior? We lead people to where they are while justifying our own behavior. Do as I say not as I do. The mirror knows the real truth about everyone but it is much easier for people to point fingers at someone else in order to prevent the truth about them from being seen.
I had the honor of meeting two perfectly, irritatingly, messy young men over the weekend who welcomed me with open arms and big smiles. Both young men were very articulate about their observations in life. Each has faced their own personal traumas and coped in their own personal ways. One is a recovering addict and the son of a dear friend. Neither of them was aware that I am the parent of an addict until I told them so. These young men are very aware of how parents/others perceive and feel about addicts. They have faced judgement repeatedly. My son is also very conscious of how others feel about him. As their mothers, we are also painfully aware of everyone else’s feelings besides having our own. All of it requires an emotional balancing act in order to understand and support the entire circle of heavell; unfortunately that often opens the door to judgement. Judgement is the justification of one’s behavior in reaction to another’s behavior and requires no effort at all. There is a difference between judgement and opinion. I can tell you that the non-believers have never taken the time to find out why my son became an addict but they certainly judged him for it. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do. I can tell you that not one of them has ever told him to keep up the good fight whether he was sober or not. Ryan is an inconvenience in the world of green truths as are these two young men. Addicts’ behaviors make it easy for others to appear to be good; illusions of perfection. It is never convenient to hear or see others because it requires work; something not found in the cliff notes of life. Treat others as you would have them treat you because if it is good enough for them then it certainly is good enough for you. Take the time to look in the mirror. Did you feel heard when you were young? Have you encountered the judgement of others? How did that feel? Are you a judger? Do you believe that behaving today as you did yesterday as you will justify in the future is the path out of hell? We are frustrated and hurt by the repeat behavior of addicts, the relapses, and yet as non-addicts we do exactly the same thing. I once pointed out to a family member that he consistently repeated a behavior that affected me adversely despite my asking him to stop on a multitude of occasions. He of course denied and then justified his behavior. Non-addicts and addicts are really the same. We reap what we sow in small and big ways all the while justifying our behavior while judging/blaming others for theirs.
The fallen angels are speaking. Do you hear or do you justify? Look to the mirror for the truth. The snake speaks and non-addicts bite the apples too. Some people appear to be good but it is an illusion of perfection. To the non-believers. Your behavior tells the truth about you. Tricks are not just for drugs. For our sins big and small. The circle of heavell. We all have dreams and they all matter. Now you see me, now you don’t because it is not convenient. We lead people to where they are and then blame them for it. I am your guide in hell but only you can do the work to get out. When you breathe I breathe.
I have had a person in my life who has spent a lifetime trying to convince me that everyone else is better or more important than I am. That person’s happiness or unhappiness was my responsibility. I am not a child and yet this was a hell that was impossible to navigate. As adults we have the ability to “walk away” from people who hold us accountable for their very own actions and reactions. What if, though, it’s a child being held accountable for an adult’s inability to cope, parent or lead well? Have you ever had a bad moment where you snapped at your child or another because you were frustrated or angry? Were you aware of what you were doing? I have done this by taking my feelings and projecting them on to my children. I sent them the message that I was angry with them while the truth was that I was frustrated with someone else or even myself. Children do not have the ability to recognize that what adults are expressing is not necessarily what they deserve . I never meant to send my children mixed messages but I did. Mixed messages create weaknesses not only in those individual trees but also in the whole forest. Adults justify their behavior, especially bad behavior, all the time and yet we expect children to behave as we say not as we do. If they are not entitled to their feelings then neither are we; feelings belong to all humans not just adults. We lead our children to where they are. It has been incredibly painful to look in the mirror at myself and recognize my failings; my sins. My behavior and words created conditional love. That person who held me accountable for his/her happiness and unhappiness was more obvious by actions but I did the same thing to my children. Some people make it easy for others to appear to be good. My children followed me into hell because I behaved so and I said so. Treat others as you would have them treat you because if it’s good enough for them then it is good enough for you.
I am sure that the outpatient and inpatient rehab counselors had tried to get me to understand the importance of how I communicated. The problem is that it requires so much more understanding than using the simple statement of “when you do this, I feel this…”. When we listen to others we must do so with the understanding that their emotional definitions are valid too. I am guilty of being “passionate” although my children would more likely tell you that I have been angry. No matter what has happened around me or to me, the truth is that my fear, my anger has been an expression of my inability to cope well; much like an addict using drugs. I was too busy proving that my feelings were right resulting in a failure to hear myself and my children. Words hold a lot of feelings for me as they do for everyone else; they just might not be felt or expressed in the same manner. In conditional relationships, only my feelings matter but in unconditional ones, everyone’s feelings matter. I have discovered how hard it is to hear others when I haven’t really even heard myself. In order for me to be able to hear what I have done wrong I have had to be open to the fact that I was wrong; without a single justification. If I justify my behavior then so can everyone else, especially an addict. Saying I am sorry, when someone tells me he or she feels hurt by my words or actions, is not an admission of guilt. It is an acknowledgement of the other person’s pain and the need to be more aware. If we love our families then why would we ever want them to hurt? To not be seen and heard? My being sorry about yesterday cannot undo what has happened because it has passed and the damage is done. I can work on today and I can work towards change for tomorrow. I must change what has been my normal because it is not good enough for me nor for my children. I am one person on the circle of heavell and I am powerful enough to effect the whole circle. My children are the ones who showed me that I, in part, lead them into hell. We are perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. It has never been convenient to see or hear anyone but we must if we ever hope to get out of hell. Change is hard, especially when we are talking about truly hearing others. We cannot say we are sorry or admit wrongs and then continue to repeat the same behaviors. We are here because we have failed to see, to hear and to change; to be accountable.
When Ryan woke up, he had wanted to know if he really was awake or if he was still dreaming. During that 15 day unresponsive state, he had dreamed that he had lived a multitude of lives, dying in each one. He told me that he had been searching for me in those dreams but was never able to find me. We did not understand what he had been through; the result of his choice to use the drugs that had almost ended his life permanently. He was completely oblivious to what we had been through. Everyone had been traumatized but each of us had our very own personal feelings about that horrible time in hell. How could we understand each other if we do not see and feel the same things? The problem with the circle is that each person believes their view and their feelings are the right one; the only one. Unity cannot be found if we do not try to understand and accept the importance of every view and every feeling. We have the ability to lift up or to destroy each position on the circle of heavell with our choices; our actions and reactions. We all assumed that because of that trauma, drugs would never be a part of our lives again. If each of us behaves today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, the results will be the same; reap what you sow.
Once upon a dream is still a nightmare. Now you see me now you don’t. Denial is our friend. One life is still for sale. Green truths. Some people appear to be good. Treat others as you would have them treat you. Why don’t you understand that when you do this, I feel this? Tricks are not just for drugs. You scream, I scream and nothing changes. To the non-believers. You can run but you can’t hide because the mirror sees you too.
The first time I had become conscious of the fact that dreams overdose and die, was several years ago. Ashlee was dating a young man who had used drugs. I been unaware of his coping skills until his death brought them to the front. When he walked in the door at my house, it was as if the sun rose and set with him. His personality had been big and his smile even bigger. His laughter was infectious. His family by all appearances was a loving and caring one; “they were one of the good ones” just like we were. Yet that dream, that poster child had serious emotional pain that he had used drugs to run from. When Ashlee realized he was self-medicating again, she went to the family to warn them. She then had told her boyfriend that she couldn’t be with him if he was using drugs. He decided that night he was going to party just one more time. His mother had found him the next morning in his bed; dead from an overdose. For months, if not years, Ashlee believed that she should have, could have, done more to save him. I am sure his mother had felt the same way. If he had only done as she had said, as his mother had said, as others had said. His death created trauma in many people. Years later we lost another young man from another accidental overdose. We had known him for most of his life. He had a big smile and a friendly personality too. He had also suffered greatly from emotional pain; the common denominator amongst unhappy people who alter their state of being. At his funeral his father told me that his fallen angel had died doing what he had loved most; drugs. No, he had died using drugs to cope while dreaming of being seen by his father. Both in life and death, his father was determined to be right. He was not responsible for his dream having chosen to cope via drugs but he was responsible for having taught him that his feelings and needs did not matter. Children are perfectly, inconvenient, irritatingly, messy people who suffer small and big traumas. The green truth is we expect them to do as we say not as we do. The real truth is coping well through adversity, any traumas, is a learned behavior. The valley of fallen angels is filled because we continue to behave today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow all the while justifying our behavior. Now you see me, now you don’t. It is not convenient to see or hear others but every dream on the circle of heavell deserves for us to do just that; including ourselves. Victims can and do grow up to be monsters.
Every day I meet people who have been affected by addiction whether they recognize it or not; whether it is themselves or not. At times it involves drug addicts but usually it involves alcoholics. Addiction is addiction whether the source is legal or not. It does not discriminate because it loves all pain equally. Often alcoholics will tell me they are fine, or that they are just unwinding or just partying or it is good for them to have a glass of wine. Somehow they believe they are different, nay better, than drug addicts but that is a green truth. Failing to cope well results in unhappy people who alter their state of being; sometimes in secret. Drugs and alcohol can and do destroy people; just in different time frames and distinct ways. I know of a teenager who sneaks alcohol from her parent’s cabinets. She has stated she will never use drugs and yet she is on her way to coping in life as an alcoholic. She was lead there. I know another young lady who did the same as a teenager and still copes that way as an adult. She was lead to where she has fallen. Another was a drug addict who now drinks instead because it’s legal; because it is somehow more acceptable. I know a mother who was devastated over her son’s drug use all the while drinking not just one drink a day but many drinks every day. We can justify and or blame others but the mirror knows the real truth about all of us. Do not lie if you do not want your children to lie. Do not cope with the help of any substance that alters your state of being if you do not want your children to. We make our normal our children’s normal. To all the non-believers; addicts and non-addicts are very much the same because we all fail to cope well.
Ryan’s waking up and breathing on his own was indeed a miracle. It was a testament of the determination that he had, the mad skills of those doctors and even of my ex’s resolution to save Ryan. I had thought many times over that past year that I had felt every emotion possible. There had been so many devastating traumas since this had begun. There had been moments filled with hope and with the loss of faith. Every time I thought I had this, something would happen to place everything out of control again. I had never felt so much fear that translated into rage as I did from the beginning of our knowledge of his drug use to his overdosing. I had not been able to stand and at other times I was a warrior. He had coped by running from his pain and it had almost cost him his life. I had coped by believing that my definitions held the same meaning for him as they did for me as they did for my daughters. That is a green truth. We know the definitions of words but we do not feel the same way about them as individuals, as males and females, as families and as groups; we then react according to those feelings. Drugs tricked us in to believing they were the problem. If only Ryan had done what we had said rather than what we did then he would have never listened to the snake and bit the apple. It’s your fault not mine. The tree brought the whole forest down because if everyone was doing their job on the circle of heavell then no one would cope by altering their state of being. A miracle creates a sense of heaven; that hell has been left behind. Addiction is tricky though and it loves all pain equally especially when only the addict is expected to change.
Tricks are not just for drugs. They are for addiction too. To all the non-believers. You are a part of the problem. The mirror knows the real truth but we prefer green truths. Just like you. We all dream dreams but nightmares are the normal. Victims turn into monsters. I am your guide in hell but only you can get yourself out of it. Miracles feel like heaven. My poster child is alive. The snake and the apples. You can run but your little boxes of feelings will always be there. When you breathe I breathe. The fallen angel has something to say. Are you listening? Oh mirror, mirror why are there so many unhappy people?
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