I am a circle of heavell; a whole not a part. I am more than the mother of a drug addict. I am, today, a person who has suffered the greatest pain in the world…FOR ME. That pain is mine and mine alone. This is not a competition even though there are those who would make it one. You should be here is a green truth. My pain is no less than nor no greater than yours. I am also, today, the greatest human ever…FOR ME. What I have done, reacted to, survived and learned is how I became me. Those things over my life time make up my personal circle of heavell; my emotional definitions. There have been people who have affected my circle as I have theirs but individually we create heavell in ourselves. We look for the people who understand us and justify those choices. You are, today, the greatest and the most pained human in the world…FOR YOU. This is not a competition. You are a whole circle of heavell not merely one part. In illusions of perfection, it easy to ignore or hide that hell is in each of us. In the world of addiction it is easy to be consumed by that hell, believing it is the only part of us. Green truths allow us to justify everything while the mirror knows the real truth. If we focus on, acknowledge only, one part as the definer of who we are, we are losing all the other parts that carry the heaven and the hell that makes us who we are today. I have made many mistakes. I have failed to learn or move forth by denying the whole of me. If I pick or share only the great things about me, I am not a whole. If I pick or share only the bad things about me, I am not a whole. If I embrace the good and the bad, the mistakes and the lessons learned, the wins and the losses, I am then whole. Every day is a chance for me to see what is right and what is wrong by working to accept or change each and every part. Mistakes matter not unless we continue to repeat them by justifying. Don’t listen to the snake in your personal circle and the greater circle of your life. He wants you to pick only one part. He does not want you to be whole. By behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, we will continue to create unhappily ever after people. I am reminded by my new friend who is a dream but once was a nightmare, that our mistakes are often public, which is so damaging. Yes I have been publically humiliated by my behaviors as well as the behaviors of others. It is incredibly painful when people know that we and our lives are not perfect. It is even more painful when people use our pain to justify their behavior or we use our pain as justification. The real truth is that we are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people although some of us make it easier for others to appear to be good; addicts and non-addicts are really the same. My words are: If you cannot accept me on my worse day then you cannot have me on my best day because I am a whole and not a part. How can we move forth or even love when we hide the truth about ourselves so that we are not judged? How can we ask others to not judge us when we judge ourselves and others too? Treat yourself as you would have others treat you because it starts with you and then moves out; reap what you sow. I am a dream, a nightmare, the most pained and the greatest human…FOR ME. If you are looking for others to understand and accept you, you are choosing only a part of you. We lead ourselves to where we fall or stand by our acceptance of own personal heavell. Ashlee once told me that she felt I was embarrassed by Ryan’s drug addiction. At the beginning of it, I talked and thought about it constantly as I searched for help and understanding. What I encountered was a lot judgement from the non-believers. Judgement is the friend of the snake and prevents those who do the judging from looking in their own mirror. In response to that I did hide that part. Embarrassment was a natural reaction for having been exposed as being an illusion of perfection in the world of green truths. Eventually I came to the realization that I could either continue to hide, now you see me now you don’t, or I could stand. That does not mean that I am able to stand every day nor that I share my story with every single person I meet. It does however mean that I am, today, the greatest human…FOR ME…which includes all of those mistakes and all of my successes. Tomorrow is waiting to see what truth we will tell and accept in ourselves despite the heavenly expectations of others and the non-believers.
Now you see me now you don’t. To the non-believers. The mirror sees you. The real truths. You should NOT be here. I am a dream and a nightmare. I am a circle of heavell. The heart knows fear but I am standing. Once upon a dream. The valley of the fallen angels. When you breathe I breathe. Just like you. Little boxes of feelings. You are your guide out of hell because you led yourself there. A tree brought down a whole forest. This is for me and for you because we all fall down.
One of the things that I have hated and learned to love about Ryan’s addiction is the truth that came from it. Not the green truth that we had believed was our lives but the real truth. No matter how hard I tried to justify every one of my words or actions/reactions, the mirror just kept getting bigger until I fell silent. Everything I have done or said was meant to teach my children things and to raise them up. Through all of this I had not realized that I was implying the need for perfection from them while excusing my short comings. We always want more for our children all the while sharing our normalcy with them. If it is not perfect for us then how can it be perfect for them? If we are not perfect then why do we expect them to be? When we don’t know how to achieve it or believe that things are the achievement, we create illusions of perfection that in reality will never make us feel better. The world is filled with unhappy people who alter their state of being either with drugs or alcohol or things or people because just like addiction, unhappiness does not discriminate. Everything happens for a reason even though those reasons are not always clear. If everyone on our circle of heavell had done this right, we would not be here. Because we didn’t, Ryan jumped into the valley of the fallen angels while we were left with a giant mirror to look at. I cannot undo what has been done but I can hear my children’s truth. Do you want to know the truth? Can you hear it without justifying or denying your actions/reactions, or words? The fallen angels have been speaking for a long time. Who is listening? We all want to know that our feelings matter but children especially need to know that. The common thing that I hear from addicts is how they never could do life well enough for their families; it was never enough to just be themselves. The pressures of perfection or rather the illusions of perfection led to a lot of emotional pain. I am guilty of doing this to my own children with words/actions that implied they needed to achieve this or look this way or behave that way. I would never allow someone to tell me who I am so why would I do that to my children? The problem is that it meant them being who I wanted them to be and not who they needed to discover that they were. My children, especially Ryan, did not fail me. I failed them with my inability to see, hear and learn. I have been an illusion of perfection as has everyone else but addicts make it easy for some of us to appear to be good regardless of whether or not our hearts were in the right place.
There is a young man that Ashlee spends time working with. He is a lost angel who is dangerously close to being lost in the valley of the fallen angels forever. He has stated that in his family he is the outcast. Perhaps his circle of heavell does not feel that way about him but in his life he has developed the belief that he is; by their words and actions/reactions. I wish I could say that he is a rarity but he is not. He, as well as too many to count, express this as their position in the family. Ryan knows how this young man feels because Ryan believes he is the outcast in our family. He felt that way long before he became an addict. How is it possible that both of these young men have very similar feelings while living completely different lives from completely different backgrounds? There is nothing worse than being alone in a room full of people; especially when the people are your family. Unhappiness does not discriminate as it binds together in a group those who are lost in their pain. Children learn to believe in themselves as well as how to cope by the adults in their lives. These are not things we are born knowing how to do; they are learned behaviors. Do not justify, deny, lie, fail to listen, see and learn if you do not want your children to do those things. At some point our children stop hearing us and begin to listen to other children who feel as they do. We taught them that. We led them there by behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow all the while expecting them to listen even though we don’t. Ashlee talks with this young man using those painful lessons that she learned from Ryan. She is leading this young man away from hell by helping him to learn what his feelings are; the discovery of the value of his personal emotional definitions. Everything happens for a reason even if those reasons are not clear. Have you ever felt or do you now feel as if you are a disappointment to someone? How did or does that feel? Are you sharing that on your circle? Not being heard or seen leads us to find the group that does understand us. No one knows if they will become an addict until they try something and find the relief that is needed. Drugs or alcohol or things or people are not the problem but they are far easier to blame than it is to look in the mirror. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do, sometimes in secret. I am in the group Parents of Drug Addicts; it is only one part of me. I am a circle of heavell as is everyone else. It means that I am heaven in some ways and hell in others. The test of addiction brings to light the real truth. We can all do this better by doing as we say. Treat others, especially your children, as you would have them treat you otherwise we will continue to reap what we have sown; unhappily ever after people. Its not about not having expectations. It is, however, about not having illusions of perfection. The greatest teachers in my life have been my children because my mistakes opened the door to hell and I needed their help to find a way out. I cannot tell you that you should be here nor can anyone else. You are your guide out of hell but you will need to listen, feel and see yourself, your addict, as well as everyone else on your circle of heavell. Disappointment in others is the friend of the snake and leads to his other friends, denial and justification. Don’t listen and don’t bite those apples because the cost is every soul on your circle of heavell.
To the fallen angel from years past. Thank you for letting Heavell know that you are standing. What is done cannot be undone but the future holds possibilities because every dream matters. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people with heavenly expectations while living in illusions of perfection. You are not defined by one part, addiction, but are defined as a whole. Be a circle of heavell that sees, hears and learns. You are your guide out of hell. Breathe and step forward leaving hell behind.
Imagine all or some or one of the people on the circle of heavell holding a sign that states where you should be. If those trails are not clear, those signs might be misleading. Even if they are clear, we still don’t always end up where they direct us. After all, where you want me to be may not be where I want to go or should go. Where I am definitely might not be the right answer for an addict or another non-addict. We are all different people with our own diverse feelings. No one should tell you where you should be in your life nor control how you get there. I cannot decide what is right for you. I can only tell you how I believe I got here and what currently is my knowledge of this hell. “You should be here” is a green truth. This life has many trails that lead to many things, behaviors and coping that can either lift you up or bring you down as well as others. The real truth is that you are your own guide out of hell and this is going to go as well as you put into it; reap what you sow. A father who had asked for my input on his son’s addiction had told me that his son should be grateful that he is alive. I had pointed out that if he were capable of being grateful, he wouldn’t have almost died. The father then proceeded to tell me that the family would decide what was best. The truth hurts but if we don’t look at it, we will achieve the same outcome today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow. Denial is the friend of the snake and one of the apples that we all bite from. At times though, denial prevents the breaking of ourselves which makes it seem almost justifiable. I am not emotionally attached to this man’s son so I am not affected by his inability to be grateful. I am however affected by my son’s inabilities as well as the rest of the people on my circle. How do you feel when someone else makes choices that affect your life? Are you guilty of doing that too? Because addicts are just like you and me, we should be the people we want them to be; do as I say and as I do.
Did Ryan take those pain pills that he was given after he had his tonsils out? Sometimes we just know the truth about things without always having the proof. He wasn’t grateful for being alive despite that terrible ordeal of overdosing. I thought he should be, those were my feelings, but he wasn’t and those were his feelings. What’s the problem? Just do as I say. Were those pills the beginning of the fall back into hell? He certainly found relief from his emotional pain via drugs but they were merely the things he used to run from those feelings and thoughts. The real culprit of his drug use was his inability to cope well. A couple of weeks later, an addict made a choice that didn’t just affect Ryan, but actually devastated him. There is always an excuse to use but some moments almost seem justifiable. The addict was drunk and walking in the road towards oncoming traffic. It was a dark night with no lighting and the individual had on dark clothing. Ryan did not see that person until a moment before he hit him/her. The person flew up onto the vehicle and then into the windshield. Ryan stopped immediately and screamed for help. He kneeled praying over that person until help arrived. Via a blood test, Ryan was proven not to be under the influence of anything. Perhaps that addict was grateful to be alive but the visual of that night made Ryan wish he himself was not. Many times over the years, others had made decisions that affected him negatively. The justification of those choices led to Ryan’s belief that his feelings did not matter because someone else’s feeling were always more important. He then became just like everyone else by justifying his choices. If it’s good enough for me then it is good enough for you. Ultimately after that night, he went running back to the place where pain did not rule him and he felt heard; the valley of the fallen angels. Imagine if all or some or even one person on the circle of heavell held up a sign for you that said, “You should be here”. Would you want to be there? Would you be or have you been aware of how it affects others? Addicts and non-addicts are really very much the same.
Now you see me now you don’t. Illusions of perfection. The valley of the fallen angels. Denial is only one of the apples the snake wants you to bite. A tree can bring down a whole forest. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. I hate drugs but the poster child loves them. Little boxes of feelings. You should be here because I said so. Deserted streets of a soul. Once upon a dream. Just like you. Some people just appear to be good but the mirror knows the real truth. Your choices almost seem justifiable.
Is today a good day or a bad day? Some days I am completely strong in my determination to win the game against addiction as is every parent whose dream has become a fallen angel. On the days that I feel overwhelmed or lost, fear makes it hard for me to breathe. I think that those days are affected by Ryan’s attitude and or by my attitude. When I have a bad day, I am able to recognize that it will pass. Ryan’s bad days can lead to a host of issues that can include death. I have developed an attitude of never give up and also one of acceptance that death continues to lurk in the shadows; the extreme conflict of the two keeps me in a heightened state at times. I have stood next to too many parents whose battle was ended by death. There is no peace when a fallen angel is lost forever because questions, hopes and dreams remain unanswered for eternity. I am plagued by the “what ifs” that play repeatedly in my mind. I belong to the parents of drug addicts group and yet there is also some small part of me in the parents of gone forever addicts group. It has been very hard to not linger in a mourning state when I turn and look at the past; at what could have been. My expectations versus the realities have been in conflict on more than one occasion. Sometimes I still hope to wake up and find that none of this is the truth but merely a nightmare while sleeping. When actuality sets in, I feel the fear spreading throughout my body that if the behavior of everyone on the circle of heavell does not change, tomorrow will be the same as today as it was yesterday. I do not want live that way anymore and that fuels my fear that we won’t get out until Ryan actually does die. Addicts and non-addicts are really very much the same because accountability and change is almost impossible for everyone to implement. We lead angels to where they fall and we lead angels to where they stand. We do this individually and as a whole. Ironically my ex-husband has become one of my best supporters. We frequently did not agree when our children were young and rarely spoke. Today we talk every few days or so. He always supports my decisions while still offering help and advice as best as he can. My father has also been an amazing supporter of mine as well as Ryan’s. I have needed that belief in me because I cannot do this alone. I never could have imagined that I would have to reach deep within myself to find the strength of an army to stand against the devastation that hell has brought. On the days I do not want to be that strong or can’t look in the mirror, I try to be kind to myself by taking care of me. It is not denial to turn away from the mirror but a survival mode to keep from being destroyed. What does not kill us still breaks us but with lessons learned, we can evolve to being stronger.
I have a new friend who works for a rehabilitation center. He is the first person that parents encounter when searching for that perfect place to end addiction for their dream. He is a former addict who has risen from his fall. He is a parent. He understands my fears as well as my pain. His story is filled with suffering and a laughter that is so infectious, I felt like I had known him for years. He imparted his thoughts and feelings of his life as well as his addiction to me as the son of a mother who has been where I am now. He is the hope that parents of drug addicts are looking for; a dream that was lost but has returned. He has remorse for the pain and choices of the past. He believes in the strength of his mother as having been a part of his ability to stand. Parents are crucial in the fight against addiction because we are the ones who help to lead our children into or out of hell. I, however, also believe that he should be celebrated because addiction is only one part of him and not the whole sum of him. I am the mother of a drug addict but I am so much more than that. While addiction lurks in the shadows of my life, I have suffered and laughed with all my might through out all of my time for many good and bad reasons. It is important that I do not allow addiction to cause me to be lost as well. I have other children who need for me to love, laugh and fight for them as often as possible too. This new friend and I are very much alike because we have failed to see that we are each, individually, made up of a full circle of heavell with addiction being only one part of us. We are real people living in heaven or hell on any given day; many times its both.
I breathe when you breathe but I can breathe on my own too. I am real. I am a circle of heavell. The green truth and the real truth are not the same. Denial is not a friend. My little boxes of feelings. The snake speaks. Everybody agrees. A dream became a nightmare and then a dream again. Today is the same as tomorrow as yesterday was. The fallen angel is still fallen. Some people appear to be good. Are you there drugs? It’s me, a mother and so much more.
At no time when my children were young did I ever feel fear for them. There were times when I was worried during illnesses or exchanges with my ex-husband but not fearful. At some point after the discovery of Ryan’s drug use, I became incredibly frightened. I had never felt so powerless as I did during that time. It was impossible to breathe everyday. It was impossible to be responsible for everything. After Ryan had overdosed and stayed on the ventilator for 15 days, I had moved from fear to acceptance of the end. When he had awaken, I had rejoiced. After his release from the hospital, Ryan was monitored by a physical therapist, saw the pulmonologist, and spent time with my dad. I had continued my job throughout the ordeal but had given notice about a month or so after Ryan came home. I was worried about him. The jubilation I had felt was ebbing away. The belief that his overdosing had scared him straight no longer felt like a reality. There wasn’t anything in particular that I could put my finger on but I had felt nervous. A week after I had become a housewife again, my husband encouraged me to take another job offered to me by a different company where his friend worked. I overrode those feelings of nervousness I had about Ryan and accepted that new position. It had meant being gone for many hours each day as well as balancing the life of my youngest. I had not needed that job. I do not know why my husband wanted me to take it or why I had accepted it. It was one of the biggest mistakes I made early on; not trusting my feelings instead of listening to someone else.
Several months later, Ryan had become ill and needed to have his tonsils removed immediately due to a serious infection. The surgery was scheduled for a Monday in September. After the surgery, the doctor had prescribed him antibiotics as well as pain pills, despite my objection. Ryan as an adult was able to choose to use them. We had argued in the car on the way home. I can still remember the anger on his face and my feelings of anger even though it was ten years ago. I had made him promise me not to use those pills unless he had too. I was still of the belief that my words carried more weight than his feelings or needs had. I had failed to recognize that if I was behaving as I had in the past then he was also likely doing the same thing. Some might say I was in denial but I had tended to repeat my normal all the while expecting a different outcome. By behaving that day as I had in the past, as well as everyone else, our decent into hell again was an assured event. I had never been powerful enough to prevent drug use. It had been the whole circle of heavell that had had the power but it was only Ashlee and I who were trying to stop it. By not being involved with Ryan through conversations and activities, the non-believers were as guilty of the failings as we supposedly were. It is easy to stand united at an intervention. It is easy to demand change. It is incredibly hard to actually show up and demonstrate to an addict that they are important. Even to this day, many non-believers will ask Ryan how he is but will never ask how he feels about something or what he thinks about anything. They never bother to make him a priority all the while showing up for others; leaving him with the sense that he does not matter. Not everyone is capable of fighting this fight but judgement has no place in this by those who do not actually do any work. I have heard non-believers speak of their anger over the fallen angel’s drug use however Ryan has not always been an addict and yet their behavior has always been the same. Why do some people fail to be accountable for their choices? Why do some people justify their behavior but do not believe anyone else is justified in theirs? Addiction is not convenient in the illusions of perfection.
Later that same day, I had left town with my husband and Taylor. I had not wanted to and yet I had to. I was scheduled for surgery the next morning in another city where I was donating a kidney to a friend. I had felt that fear creeping back into my heart as we drove away but I had pushed it aside because there was nothing that I could have done at that point. I was torn because I had felt my son needed me but I had made a promise to my friend and her family. Ashlee followed us a few hours later which had left Ryan on his own to recover with or without those pain pills.
Illusions of perfection are just illusions. The real truth and the green truth are not the same. Addicts are just like you. Welcome to hell. I will see you in the valley of the fallen angels. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. A dream became a nightmare then a dream and then a nightmare again. Little boxes of feelings. I scream, you scream, we all scream. To the non-believers. Behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, is why we are in hell. The tree brought down the forest. You can run but you cant hide because the mirror will find you.
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