This past weekend I was in Denver to present Heavell’s strategies for the prevention of drug and alcohol use by kids at the GlobalMindEd convention. It was an opportunity to meet a variety of people who had come together to learn and strategies on a multitude of serious issues in this country as well as the world. I met every day people who are warriors in their communities as they fight to solve issues while facing their own personal dilemmas. I also had the opportunity to learn some things about myself through the hard work of a couple of instructors who challenged me to think out of my circle of heavell in order to see individual stories rather than just the similarities between us. I met and spent time with a few young men who live on the streets of Denver as well as a young woman whose whole family are addicts. Each and every single person I met imparted something to me that was important about them although they probably did not realize the affect they had on me. I also think that each one of them was surprised to learn why I was there. Although we are aware that addiction affects a lot of people in some way, we still have the idea that there are people who live the life of heaven, the green truth, when the real truth is we all live in heaven and hell on any given day or even any given moment; sometimes in secret.
On the shuttle ride to the hotel, there was a woman who was traveling with her family from Houston, Texas. She was attending the same conference as I was. Through her story, I learned that there are people in Houston who are still struggling to survive and are still homeless from the hurricane that hit there almost a year ago. The green truth was that I had assumed everyone was fine. The real truth is that despite the rally of this country to help the victims of that devastating storm, there are still people who are living in a trauma that is keeping them in a hopeless hell; they are fractured. As we have moved from one catastrophic event to another and yet another, those people have been forgotten. That woman is a warrior who has taken that adversity to heart and is fighting for her community to be seen. When we crossed paths a couple of days later at the convention, she asked me if I remembered her from our shared shuttle ride. She was completely unaware that it is I that will never forget her nor her determination to lead her community out of hell. She is an every day person who in actuality is an unsung hero. I am honored to have been remembered by her.
I met a homeless young man the first night that I was there whose name is Thomas. I was standing outside trying to decide if I was hungry and if so, was I going to get something to eat. He was a polite and soft spoken person as well as seeming to be very stressed. After listening to him for a few minutes about his day, I mentioned that I needed to get something to eat. He proceeded to tell me how to take the bus to go to a variety of places where the cost was reasonable for a decent meal. I smiled as I told him that under no circumstances was I going to ride the bus anywhere after already having traveled to his city. I told him to come with me and we would find a place to eat where he could tell me his story. Just down the street was a MacDonald’s that encourages its diners to enjoy their meal in 30 minutes or less. Despite having been told to order what he wanted, Thomas chose just two MacDouble hamburgers and a small drink. In between bites and prayers, he spoke about his life. I was struck by his need to be okay with being on the streets while being in pain that he was on the streets. He has not spoken to his family in what he thought was three or four months. He is a former addict that appeared to be sober although he also seemed to have issues with his mental health. After explaining why I was there, he expressed sorrow that drugs had affected my son as well as my life. He then proceeded to say a prayer for both Ryan and I. Over the couple of days that I spoke with him, he continually reminded me to be safe as well as encouraged me to never give up on my son. When I asked Thomas what he would say to the world if he was given the opportunity to speak, he told me that he “Just Wanted To Be Remembered”. Thomas is an every day person who is fighting to survive homelessness, addiction, and the ability to eat every day while living with a perception of reality that makes those things even more challenging. I missed seeing him on my last day in Denver so I can only hope that he will eventually reach out to get the mental health help that he needs. Despite his parts of hell that have become the sole definition of him, his ability to empathize makes him completely memorable; at the very least for me.
The next person was this energetic young woman who lives in Denver and was attending the conference. She is a college student who is looking to change how doctors communicate with patients in order to improve the patients’ understanding about their health and their control of it. After I introduced myself, she then briefly shared her hell with me. With a grin on her face she let me know that her parents, as well as the rest of her family, are all addicts. The vulnerability of showing someone a part of ourselves, that we have developed the coping skill to hide, is traumatic in itself. She shrugged her shoulders as she stated she had learned to accept it. I wish her beautiful smile had matched the look in her eyes but it did not. For a brief moment the little girl, who had wanted the sober parents that showed up for daily life as well as those school events, appeared and then almost as quickly disappeared. We talked a little longer about her future and then as she turned from me, I reminded her that we are all made up of parts of heaven and hell. If we hide parts of us rather than work on them, we will remain fractured. She is memorable for her determination to get out of hell while still being chained to it. I hope at her college graduation that someone yells her name so loud that the whole arena hears it but especially that she does.
Then there was the young man who I stood talking to while he sat on the sidewalk holding a cup out for change. He was a nice looking young man who had trouble articulating his thoughts. I am fairly sure that he was high but mental health or a brain injury could have been playing a role as well. When I asked him if he was from Denver, he replied that he was from Chicago. He then told me that he had come with his brother on a vacation. I asked where his brother was and his reply was that he had returned to Chicago because he had to get back. I asked if his family knew where he was at which he just shrugged his shoulders. Our conversation was limited due to his state and as I turned away I told him to hang in there. He is memorable because addiction, mental illness, family pain, trauma, as well as hell do not discriminate. If you are fractured, the door is open to following others or using drugs or whatever you have to in order to cope. I will remember him because he easily could have been my son.
The final young man is named Joshua. He approached me and asked if I could afford to buy him some food. I told him that I could and we headed off to that 30 minutes or less MacDonald’s. I requested that he tell me his story and he told me that words do not change anything. He was very articulate while speaking with a conviction that was colored with his pain. He was a foster child who had aged out of the system when he turned 18 years old after having been passed from home to home. Frustration flashed at times as he spoke and a few tears. I asked him what would he tell the world and he said “To Please Just Give Me A Chance”. He talked about a few of the things that have happened to him while he was in foster care as well as on the streets. As he was speaking I noticed that on the inside of one of his arms there was a healed wound that started at his wrist and was about 3 inches long. When I asked him about it, he told me that he had attempted suicide a few months before. He works as a day laborer during the week but on the weekends that job is not available so he goes without eating. He is an every day person fighting to survive homelessness and the weight of isolation that comes with living that way. He also requested only two MacDouble hamburgers and a small drink stating that he never takes more than he needs. The encounter with Joshua left me the most unsettled because instead of wondering if his parents were worried about him, I wondered how it was possible that there was no one who cared about this kid. Joshua is memorable because on a street filled with people, he sees everyone despite only being seen by a few. I hope that someone will give him the chance that he needs so that he may break his chain in hell.
We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people living in a circle of heavell while being a circle of heavell. Our ability to cope, to face adversity, is the determiner for whether we spend more time in hell or heaven. If we only show or acknowledge our heaven while keeping our hell hidden, we will remain fractured; because a whole is a sum of all parts not just some of the parts. To all the people I met in Denver, THANK YOU. Your stories may not be unique but you are because no one else has your parts that have been created by your personal emotional definitions affected by your circles of heavell. To the man who spent his free time from his convention handing out food to the homeless as well as their pets, you are an every day unsung hero. To Joshua: You matter in this world and some day this will change for you. Remember to continue to see everyone even when you are no longer fighting to be seen because that is your gift in this world.
Addiction is not a one time event but a series of days, weeks, months and years that are made up of heaven and hell. One day that person may be sober and the next he or she may relapse. If you have ever been through a setback or multiples of them, it is very hard not to feel angry and fearful before, during and after. The first time that Ryan went to rehab, I completely thought the whole addiction process was over. I am not sure whether I was unaware of those events that often occur or if I just thought he was different. Perhaps I thought I was finally powerful enough to talk him out of it even though that had not been the case in the past. The first relapse made me angry with the frustration that this wasn’t as simple as I had wanted or believed it to be. After he had over-dosed, my reactions to his subsequent relapses were filled with intense anger resulting from the fear that would spread throughout my body from the knowledge that he could actually die from his hell. Addiction is a chain that binds addicts to a substance that alters their mind, body and soul. That chain has also bound me to it with the same results; addicts and non-addicts are very much the same. Ryan has been fearful and angry in his desperate need to have and to ingest drugs. I have felt the same way in trying to prevent his use of drugs. At no time was I aware though, that I would also relapse or deteriorate in my behavior during those events. I have had to ask myself if I was justifying my actions based upon his behaviors or were my behaviors encouraging his responses before, during and after those setbacks? Some how I think both have played a role in this whole addiction cycle that we have lived. The other day there was a situation that involved my ex-husband and some of his relatives. Several of them were trying to control what he could or could not do in regards to certain relatives. As I listened to the scenario, I was struck by the intensity of those involved but also by the knowledge that I have done the same thing on so many occasions. I understand that need to restrict, especially when we have suffered traumas in the past. Anyone who has had an addict in their life can completely relate to those emotional definitions. I also recognized the negative reinforcement to my ex that he has made many mistakes that will never be forgiven nor forgotten. Why stay sober if the sum of you is only the hell of you or if you can never get away from the reminders of your hell? When addicts make numerous offenses while repeatedly using, it is all but impossible to remember that they have been dreams before. We feel frustrated that addicts behave today as they did yesterday as we are sure they will tomorrow because that’s what the cycle has taught us. With those feelings and knowledge firmly in hand, we are justified in the repetition of our own behaviors in response to theirs. It is not that we are not entitled to our feelings but it is how they are utilized that can determine whether this is heaven or hell as well as the duration of each of those. I feel as if my continual restrictions and the justifications of my behaviors have made me more of a non-believer than an actual true believer. Fear fed my recurring reminders to Ryan that he had done “this” and thus I was doing “this”. That cycle of mine brought what felt like control into an out of control life that I struggled to cope through. It was also a part of keeping me as well as Ryan in that hell. How do we find peace and safety with people whose need for a substance is greater than the love they have for us or for themselves? The answer does not lie in reminding them of their hell every time that we can even though we cannot ignore the truth of that hell. This would be so much easier if each of us were only heaven in this world but that is a green truth; an impossibility. The real truth is that we are all made up of parts that are heaven and hell and those parts affect us as well as others. It is not our ability to love or make love in life but our ability to face controversary together that is the actual determiner of the success or failure of any relationship; including the one with ourselves. That means knowing that others have failed us, that we have failed them, as well as having failed ourselves. I can say emphatically that there have been times that I have hated my ex-husband or at least his behaviors. There are times that I have cursed his name for the traumas that he has brought. I can also say with the same amount of passion, that in the moments that he has shown up for our children, I am beyond grateful for all that he has done. Those wonderful moments have brought peace to Ashlee and Ryan in a life where trust and tranquility were not a part of their childhood. Healing begins when we breathe in the heavens that are there too. I feel sadness for my ex as well as those relatives because they have decided he should be here. They will continue to keep him chained while not realizing that they are also keeping themselves chained. The apples of denial and justification will never remove the accountability of their role on their circle of heavell just as it will not for my ex-husband. What has been done cannot be undone but by learning to cope well, the fracturing of ourselves can begin to heal whether we are an addict or a non-addict. The mirror knows that we are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who fall down even though we use illusions of perfection to hide it.
To my ex-husband: I am grateful for every moment that you have been able to stand for our children as are they. Thank you.
When a dream becomes a nightmare, it becomes impossible to see anything other than the dependency that has become the focus of that nightmare; especially in life or death situations. I have been as consumed by Ryan’s obsession as he has; almost to the detriment of everyone and everything else. The clear visual of addiction has a concreteness that is easier to hold as being solely responsible for hell but that is a green truth. We often focus on a piece or behavior as being the defining definition of someone or the only part that needs fixing. The real truth is no one is only one thing including addiction. Every single one of us is made up of heaven and hell. If we fail to accept, love, hate, work on or through all the other parts of us, the fracturing will open the door to unhappiness, the following of others, addiction and more. The controversary or the hell is the test of ourselves and our relationships to do this better by not accepting that one part is all that we are nor what others are. What part do others recognize in you? Is that part heaven or hell in their eyes? How do you feel about that piece? There was a beautiful, young woman in our lives that was an addict, a trauma (s) survivor, an artist, a liar, a daughter, a girlfriend, a rose and so much more on the circle of heavell. She had tried to speak of her pain, her traumas but found that those she spoke to did not feel as she did about those events. Her parts became fractured and as time passed, she accepted hell as the defining definition of herself as did everyone else. The appearance of that concreteness weighed heavily upon her which led to her choosing to end her life. To this day, I grieve for my part on the circle of heavell that failed to see all of her while she was alive but was able to find in her death. We lead angels to where they fall when we become obsessed with nightmares while failing to remember that they are dreams too; addicts and non-addicts are very much the same. We hide parts of ourselves in order to seek acceptance from our circles of heavell whether that is from ourselves or from others until we can no longer do so.
Someone reminded me recently that we can only do the best that we can. That is the truth as well as a justification for behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow. In everything we do from raising children, working, relationships, to BLAH, we have the opportunity each day to learn from our sins no matter how great they may be nor how small; the mirror knows the real truth about everyone. Often though we choose not to as we use denial, justification, and the illusion of perfection to hide our hell. While we have our own personal definitions about anything and everything in life, we cannot ignore the importance of others’ definitions as well. That dream who ended her life felt unheard as her feelings were continually corrected by the emotional definitions of others. The misery is that Ryan has felt the same way. There are too many to count that have repeated those same opinions to me over the years. Unfortunately I am guilty of having perpetuated that onto my children as well because after all, I am the adult and my feelings ruled. If the emotional responses of others are not validated despite the possible conflict with our own, how can anyone ever learn to cope well? When we hide our parts, we will seek confirmation where we can find it; sometimes in secret. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who appear to be good who fail to deal with ours and others little boxes of feelings. In my circle of heavell, there are non-believers who feel that everyone else has to do the right thing but they do not. The conflict lies in that we do not feel the same about children, family or even addiction. If I had followed them rather than myself, the results would have been the loss of Ryan. I am aware that they will never truly be of any help to him or to me and thus I do not expect anything from them. It’s has taken me a long time to be strong enough to look into the mirror in order to see that truth; not the green truth they would have others believe which is that Ryan and I, as well as his sisters, are the problem. They will never be familiar with the Ryan that the rest of us have loved and enjoyed over the years. For them he will always be and only be the part of him that is hell. They will never really know me either because of their justifications. I guess they are only able to do the best that they can. Sadly I saw that behavior in the family of that young woman who ended her hell as well as that police officer who told me to let Ryan go as he had his daughter all those years back. There is nothing that says you should be here. It’s up to you where you are and where you go on this path so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. This is hell and there is no easy way out. However, do not tell others what their emotional definitions are because that is in part why we are here. Treat others as you would have them treat you. I took a stand not just against drugs but against myself in order to find my child in the valley of the fallen angels. I do not get to choose to see or hear him when it is convenient. The loss of my poster child is far to great for me to accept the justification of any behavior including my own. Do what you feel is right today knowing that the price may be your dream. Courage and fear walk hand in hand no matter who you are. Lead with both of them if you are going to get out of this. Today is a good day for Ryan and we are both feeling courageous. Faith is always easy when the conflict or the hell is hidden or we are biting from the apple known as denial. If tomorrow changes, we will face that as well.
Now you see me now you don’t. Angels are lead to where they fall. Look in the mirror to find the real truth. One person’s dream might be another person’s nightmare. Hiding your hell does not make you good. Everyone has little boxes of feelings. The snake speaks and everyone denies that they listen. Courage and fear are your friends in hell. Seek and you shall find your path because you should be here is a green truth. Are you there drugs? It’s me a mother and I messed this up…
The non-believers have been known to tell others that I have been in denial of Ryan’s drug use. It is true that I have been but not for the reason that they would have people believe. The mirror hates the apple known as denial because it allows the green truth to be easily accepted rather than the real truth. However my emotional attachment to that word is different from that of the non-believers. On the days that I was in fear of breaking, I freely chose to bite the apple. It was a protective mechanism that I used in order to remain standing or to not bleed any further while on the ground. Sometimes my mind, body and spirit could not take anymore and I had to run from the pain; not unlike an addict. Denial has also actually brought me peace, when necessary, as I lived in a life of hell that was filled with fear. There were days where I was so tired that I would pretend that I only lived in heaven. I just didn’t want to think about or deal with his addiction for one more second. Ironically the non-believers failed and still fail to see the real truth which is that they are also in denial. They would have everyone believe that Ryan is only the sum of his drug use despite the parts of him that are and have been heaven. The real truth is that in his addiction, Ryan did become solely about getting and using drugs. He focused on that one part as being the defining definition of himself while everyone else did the very exact same thing. How can we save a whole while focused on only one part? How can we expect only one part to save a whole? Denial is not just the act of declaring or pretending that something is untrue. It is also a convenient or at times a necessary mechanism used by addicts and non-addicts as well as the non-believers to run from pain or to keep from being further broken or to justify the judgment of others while failing to do the right thing. Its unfortunate that there are those who failed to see that what they claimed was my denial was in fact my protection against the desperation that was destroying me and not a shielding of Ryan. He, of course, refuted the truth because drugs brought him relief from his pain in life. You should be here is a green truth because you are not here either although you pretend that you are. The apple called denial is a friend of the snake. It loves everyone equally because everyone needs it in order to not look in the mirror; addicts and non-addicts are really very much the same.
One of the definitions of insanity is the repeating of a behavior while expecting a different outcome. Ryan’s repeated return to drug use was as insane as my repeated attempts to control those days and relapses. He was obsessed with using drugs and I was obsessed with stopping his use of them. No one ever mentioned to me that I would feel like I was going insane through all of this but that is exactly how I felt. Between those feelings of shock, anger, fear, loneliness, frustration, desperation, anxiety, hatred and DENIAL, I came as close to losing it as possible. This had not been my plan in life. I am sure it wasn’t Ryan’s plan either. No one wakes up one day having had a happy life and decides to throw it all away. No one wakes up from a dream and knows how to deal with a nightmare. Part of the problem was that his feelings and my feelings were not the same. I saw drugs as the enemy and if he would have done what I said, things would have been okay. It had worked for years and yet at some point he stopped listening and I guess I did too. He saw drugs as a friend who understood him and made everything okay. How can we solve a problem when we stand on opposite sides insisting that we are each right? When heaven and hell face each other in the battle for a life, someone or something has to give. There have been many people in my life that repeat behaviors while expecting a different outcome even when the behaviors are destructive to them and or their relationships. Yet persist they do as if what they are doing is as cathartic as drugs are to an addict. At some point I believed I could talk Ryan out of his drug use and others out of their choices. I certainly tried with everything I had in me until I realized that we don’t feel the same about these things. So perhaps my son’s drug use helped me to realize the insane expectation that I could continue to behave the same while expecting others to change even though that is exactly how we got here. The green truth was that it had all been right and the real truth was that we were all wrong; that is how a tree brought down a forest. So why did I spend years talking and acting exactly as I had prior to the start of this? The answer lies with that friend of the snake known as denial which led to the avoidance of the mirror. Addicts are just like you and me because they are in denial too. Nothing will change as long as we all behave today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow expecting only addicts to look in the mirror because a part cannot save a whole. Today is a good day, not because I am not afraid, but because I am living this one day at a time with one breath at a time. Denial will be my friend when I am unsure of where to step next or I feel as if can’t do this for one more second. I will also rely upon the support of those who are there for me, especially my dear Ashlee and Taylor who go above and beyond to hold my hand in hell. Be kind to yourself when the days are not good. No one wakes up one day and decides to live in hell but here we are. I am sorry that you are here. You shouldn’t be.
Courage and fear walk hand in hand. To the non-believers. I choose to bite the apple known as denial even though it the friend of the snake. So do you. I fell down. Just like you. A dream became a nightmare then a dream and then a nightmare. Every one knows the valley of the fallen angels. You should not be here because here is hell. Be kind to yourself today and then get up tomorrow. You are your guide out of hell because no matter what anyone else says, you are the parts that are needed to save your whole.
When I think about the word war, I imagine pain, suffering and devastation. When I contemplate the word drugs, I feel anger, fear and an inability to breath. Why do we call this a “War on Drugs”? Drugs are created by, sold by, needed and used by addicts and non-addicts as well as profited by them. If this is a war then it is a war against humans not drugs. History has shown us that wars leave destruction in their wake. Innocent people are broken, injured and killed in wars that are created by humans that want something that someone else has or to stop something someone else does; people, places and things. If we are at war with humans over drugs, how many lives and years will be lost in a combat that will never end? How many victims will be created from the trauma(s) that they face in their lives that will lead to their need to cope in an altered state? This is a circle of hell that continues to grow while we wage war against drugs even though it is not drugs that are the problem. As long as we need them, there will always be humans willing to do whatever it takes, regardless of who gets hurt and regardless of the cost, to profit from suffering. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do. In the beginning, my fear and anger over Ryan’s addiction brought the desire for war against those who are involved with the creation, distribution and profit of drugs to the front for me. The green truth was that war would surely end this thus releasing my feelings of trauma and violation at the hands of those who have prayed upon my son as well as others. I believed that until the mirror showed me that the addictive brain, the unhappiness, the traumas, and the lack of coping skills were the true enemies on the circle of heavell. Even our need to defend to the death that we are right despite the cost is our enemy; death of a dream, a relationship, a forest, a circle of heavell. With war comes the complacency that dreams will be lost and destroyed. I am not willing to accept the loss of my poster child nor the loss of anyone’s fallen angel because of a war on drugs that cannot be won. I am however willing to crusade for the discovery of how we got here, our personal definitions that make us who we are and the acceptance that we are a whole and not just a part. This is not a competition even though there are those who would make it so. The war on drugs is a green truth. The real truth is that it has never been just about drugs nor just about addiction because if every part on the circle of heavell is doing its job, one part would never bring down the whole. You should be here is a green truth. You shouldn’t be but if you are, we can solve this by crusading for all of us rather than being at war while complacent in the destruction of dreams; because every dream matters.
Everything in life requires courage and its friend fear. They walk hand in hand and you choose which one you will reflect in every moment of your life. It takes fear to show us that if we continue to behave today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, hell will be our normal. Courage is then our determination to change things even when we don’t know how to or want to. Fear has laid me down and courage has stood me up. I am no different than my son, the addict, nor anyone else including the non-believers. Fear keeps me from thinking clearly and immobile while courage allows me to see every part of myself that makes me whole; the good, the bad and the okay. I am a circle of heavell and I live in a circle of heavell while being affected by everyone else’s circle of heavell. As of today I am the greatest human possible for me and tomorrow I hope to be even better, but that will depend upon my courage as well as my fear. I will take steps forward and back in my growth not unlike an addict fighting for sobriety. My bad days however will not in any way lead to death but Ryan’s bad days can and have. When I am fearful, it has been easy to run towards what I am comfortable with and to control what I can. Often when I listen to people talk about their pain and how they cope with it, I can see the similarities between us in the emotions and responses. How can we expect addicts to change when under duress we turn towards past behaviors, defending them to the death, as well? Currently there are at least a couple of young people, non-addicts at this point, that I am aware of in my realm that are in great distress in their lives. They are living in fear and fighting for courage as they discover all the parts of themselves. They desire to be accepted as a whole rather than directed to be the part or parts that someone else tells them to be. Fear immobilizes us at times to the point where we cannot get up or we hide who we are sometimes for years; non-addicts are very much like addicts. We are a whole made up of parts. All those parts are to be loved, hated, accepted and changed if need be because without each part we cannot be a whole. Ryan at times focuses on the parts of him that were once his defining greatness; the athlete, the top student, the defender of the underdog. He then focuses on what he sees as his worst parts; his anger, his inability to cope, his use of drugs that cost him his greatness. Those parts can and have fueled his relapses as mine have also done. The green truth is a part is all that he is. The real truth is that all of these things created a whole person who has been courageous in life and one who has been immobile from fear. By continually treating addicts as only a part, no matter the size of that part, we are ensuring that they do not move forth and that we the non-addicts do not have to either. In judgement we will reap what we have sown which is the continual fall of angels because we led them there.
To the fearful, the newly you are here, the non-believers, addicts and non-addicts: We cannot expect others to accept our parts if we do not accept them ourselves. We cannot change this if we are at war rather than a crusade to save each and everyone of us. Courage is never without fear so decide today which one is leading and deal with that; tomorrow it may be the other one. This will not be won in a moment or a part or in denial or in judgement but all them are a part of it. It requires a circle of heavell starting with your circle first. Figure out how you feel about everything because those feelings are your personal definitions that make you the only you in this world. Traumas can break you but they are only one part so look in the mirror and see all of you. You are your guide out of hell because you are the only one powerful enough to accept and or change the circle of heavell within yourself using your fear today and your courage tomorrow. We stand united to save every dream because every dream matters but we need every part of you to do this better. Keep talking because we are listening.
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