What we choose to do today, just as we did yesterday, will be reflected in the future; sometimes with long term consequences. I often watch how parents behave with their children and while they are only seen in moments, it is apparent that they are actually patterns. I wish I could tell you that I have only had moments but then I would be telling you a green truth. There has been a great period or pattern of time in my life where I was completely unaware that I was expecting my children to do as I said not as I did. I have behaved in ways that were less than which led to ramifications in the future that were not limited to just Ryan’s addiction. I was able to justify my actions and reactions, at the time, as being only moments because it was always someone else’s fault but never mine. Those moments became patterns in our lives that we shared with each other. We do not have to be an addict in order to be fallen. We just have to fail to cope well while leading others, especially dreams, to do the same. Addicts and non-addicts are really the same type of people as each of us justifies, denies and excuses our behaviors even though it is not in our best interest to do so. We each have the ability to lift up or destroy others, including ourselves, but we are often only aware of what happens to us rather than what we have also done. I am painfully aware of those patterns because I have lived and breathed them. That friend of the snake, known as denial, really wasn’t my friend after all. It took more and more bites of that apple to not deal with the real truth; just like an addict using a substance. How can I believe in myself if I am only some of my parts rather than all of them? How can anyone find the belief in his or her self while knowing that some parts must be hidden just like secrets?
There are times when I have felt fear as I have watched parents actually encouraging their dreams to use a substance, particularly alcohol, in order to “have fun”. I have to imagine that there have been people who felt that way about me as they watched me being in denial of what was happening with Ryan all those years back. First, let me say that addiction is still addiction; legal substances are not more justifiable than illegal ones. Secondly, no one knows if they will became an addict until they use something so even if you are not an addict, or are in denial that you are, that does not mean that others won’t become one. We lead angels to where they fall while not realizing they may not survive theirs even if we have endured ours. Third is that fractured people are open to the use of substances, or things, as well as the following of others in order to cope, avoid pain or to fit in. Each of us has our own personal emotional definitions that have been created by our lives while being affected or influenced by others. No one person sees things or feels them in the exact same way as others do even if they are in the same family. The definition of words are merely the universal descriptions of them while the power of those words is found in our individual feelings of them. Those distinct sentiments, whether seen or hidden, spoken or silent, drives each us to find where we feel heard and understood. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and at times that means that hell is the beauty and a fractured person is the beholder.
To the parents who encourage their children to use a substance in order to “have fun” because it’s okay: If this goes wrong for your children, will you be able to help your children get out of the hell you led them to? Are you aware that you, yourselves, can’t “have fun” without drinking, or whatever, and that is not okay? It actually means that you are an addict. Do you realize that just because you have survived yours does not ensure that they will survive theirs? Are you willing to risk that for “having fun”? Happiness is not found in a liquid, a pill, a BLAH or in altering yourself because what you are not coping with will continue to rise until the end. The truth will come to the front despite your pretending otherwise. If you need for me to be “the bad one” so that you do not have to be accountable, I am up for the challenge. Playing the victim, however, will never remove your sins no matter how big nor how small they are. You do not have this. It is your children who will pay in the future. You deserve better than that as does your family and I hope that you figure this out. My dreams matter as do yours so please turn and look in the mirror. Misery, denial, justifications and excuses are all the friends of the snake and unfortunately so is death. Tricks are not just for drugs. They are for alcohol, people, things, behaviors and BLAH. You are a circle of heavell and pretending that you are only beauty is an illusion of perfection your children cannot afford. You know where I am if you need me. Just reach for the hand of courage even if you are biting the apples. The consequences are coming because you are behaving today as you did yesterday as you will most likely do in the future. You are your guide out of hell, as well as your children’s, but you seem very comfortable there while having heavenly expectations. I pray that I will not have to stand with you because death has claimed one of yours. When you breathe, I breathe but it won’t matter as long as the forest has a big tree of denials.
As a part of our celebration of the year anniversary of Heavell’s blog, we have been working hard on updating the website to make it much more user friendly for everyone. We have also included the PDF of our FREE booklet entitled “The Circles of Heavell”. These are our strategies for the prevention of substance abuse as well as ways to prevent the fracturing of our dreams. We hope that any or all that is said by us brings you to the place that you need to be in order to accept your whole while also leading others to discover theirs. Addiction is the art of living in heaven and hell. No one has come together exactly has you have on the circle of heavell. Beauty is found not just where you fit in but also where you don’t. Believe in all of you.
What is the value of an excuse? Is that value determined by the one saying it or the one hearing it? Are all excuses treated equally or does it matter who the bearer of the excuse is? I have said and received many excuses in my lifetime. Some of the ones said to me have been incredibly damaging and I have realized that some of the ones I have said have also inflicted emotional harm. We use excuses as denials of actions, behaviors, words and truths that harm ourselves and or others. Addicts use them to hide all the things that are tied to their addictions. The apple known as denial is the friend of excuse and we have used them in order to continue to behave today, as yesterday and potentially in the future. We lose trust when people excuse their behavior as well as experience the violation of our feelings being minimized; we are aware of the wrongs that have happened to us but not the ones we have done to others. I have absolutely hated all the times that Ryan excused a behavior, a mess, a missing item or even paraphernalia. I have also denied or excused those things from him and for him. When we are caught in the exposure that our excuses are merely denials and justifications, we stand our ground at any cost. Ashlee has been on the receiving end of my excuses for a large part of her life. I first excused having to teach her how to protect and take care of Ryan because I couldn’t count on their dad; which placed a huge responsibility on her as a child. Then when she tried to warn me of Ryan’s drug use, I listened to his denials rather than to her real truth. When I think back over those years, my excuses sent her the message that her feelings were not as important as Ryan’s nor my need to avoid dealing. I can say that I was overwhelmed with all that was happening in my life back then but it is my children who paid for my inability to cope well. My intent was never to harm them even though the results was that I did. Someone has always had to sacrifice in every situation, especially the very serious ones, and Ashlee was often the chosen one; Ryan and Taylor have also been given a share of my excuses. I made the best decision possible with the knowledge I had at the time but there is no justification, no excuses, for those missteps. If I do not understand the why and the how of what I did, then I cannot choose to do this differently for the betterment of myself and my children. If I excuse my behavior, choices, actions, BLAH, then I am trying to prove that those moments were and are okay which is a green truth. What has been done cannot be undone. The real truth is that there is no way to make a wrong even slightly right; especially if we are harmed or others are. There has been a person in my life who has had an excuse for every single action and behavior which usually led to everything being my fault. If I had an action or behavior or even a feeling, those were also my fault. In life we have events where we need denial or excuses in order to survive but there is a difference between a moment and a pattern. There is also a big distinction between excuses and the understanding of how we got there or came to be. All of the right things and wrongs things that have happened in my life are a part of my emotional definitions and the end results is who I am. Because I am a circle of heavell, all the right and wrong pieces that I have shared with others is a part of how they came to be who they are. One of the things I use to tell my children is that they are entitled to have a bad day but they are not entitled to share it nor justify it. The irony is that I was sharing my bad days while telling them to keep theirs to themselves. That person who has held me accountable for their choices and behaviors has also basically done the same thing to me; do as I say not as I do. We can deny for a period of time in order to breathe but at some point we have to look in the mirror at ourselves rather than what others are or have done. You should be here is a green truth. We frequently tell others what to do, how to be, how they feel or even what they have to accept even though we are not willing to do the same. If excuses are right then they are right across the board and if they are wrong then they are wrong across the board; no matter how big nor how small. If we release ourselves from the responsibility of what we have done, then we miss the opportunity, the chance to discover who we can truly be as well as who other’s can be. If we only have heavenly expectations for others then we become hypocrites who lead angels to where they fall and fail to escape from. We are all made up of parts that are heaven and hell. As such they must be accepted as our whole knowing that we can change some of the parts but we can never deny any of them. I am as strong as I am because of the pain, the trauma as well as the parts that bring love and laughter to my life. If you cannot accept my bad days then you may not have me on my good days because that would lead to my being fractured and I choose to be whole. Addicts, non-addicts and the non-believers all behave in the same manner which is human behavior that is learned, coped with and repeated to the detriment of our relationships with ourselves as well as others, especially our dreams. It matters not who says any excuse but it does matter if its a moment or a pattern. If it is wrong for one then it is wrong for all regardless of position, money, education, religion, addict, non-addict or BLAH. We can learn to understand how we become who we are as well as how others came to their place on the circle of heavell. To do so otherwise will lead to the continued fracturing of ourselves, chains that bind us to hell and the loss of more and more dreams. Tricks are not just for drugs. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do with substances, people, things as well as the apples known as denial, justification and excuse.
To Ashlee, Ryan and Taylor: I am sorry that in my life I have listened to the snake, bit the apples, fractured myself and ultimately fractured you. Thank you for teaching me that I was capable of being whole. You saw me even when I was not able to. I know you understand how I came to be and that you accept me on my good days as well as my bad ones. I strive every day to give you the same. Life is a circle of heavell with you and I am grateful for every moment whether I am holding the hand of courage or of fear. I love you.
A year ago I started blogging in order to help myself as well as others. All three of my children have been the driving force behind everything that we share from our lives; choosing to show that we are not illusions of perfections but are the truth in a world of green truths. Behind Ashlee, Ryan, and Taylor are six young people who profoundly affected each of them and in turn myself. It is on this one year anniversary that we have chosen to acknowledge them as the indirect force that moves us even though they are gone; just gone. All of them were dreams despite the part of hell that became the sole definition of them. They each found understanding in the valley of the fallen angels. It is a place where they felt they were heard because unhappiness loves everyone equally. The drugs that provided them with the cathartic release from their pain seemed like a friend but using those drugs for the first time led to another time and yet still another until it led to the end for them. None of them had dreamed that they would become a part of something that would never want to let them go nor that they couldn’t cope without it. None of them had imagined that it would take more and more to feel better as their pain rose, then fell, then rose again. They never realized that the drugs would slowly replace who they were with who drugs wanted them to be. They were also never aware that their individual voices, unheard in life, would one day join together to help create the change that was needed in our lives in order to help ourselves as well as Ryan.
To Matt, Kyle, Bethany, Chad, Travis and Amanda: Here’s to the laughter, the sadness, the fun, the mistakes, the choices, the desperation, the courage, the tears, the anger, the loneliness, the denial, the beauty and the fear. Here’s to the seconds, minutes, hours and days that you stood as well as the ones where you were unable to. Here’s to the moments when you consoled others while giving them a voice even though you never felt heard. Here’s to the times where you were in a room full of people and still felt alone. Here’s to all of your parts, both heaven and hell, because you truly had it all. You gave each of us the things that you were never able to give yourselves nor that we were able to give you. Once upon a dream, the day each of you fell, never to rise again, was the day the world lost an important dream because every dream matters. May you now have what each of you were seeking. You made it easy for some people to appear to be good even though you were always just like them and they were just like you. We hope that you have been able to forgive us for our sins, no matter how big nor how small, and that you have done the same for yourselves. May you know that even though death came to claim you, you will always be with us because we breathe in view of the fact that you did. You will be remembered always. With much love, Heavell.
We are all a circle of heavell living on a circle of heavell while effecting other circles of heavell. Heaven and hell walk hand in hand. In order to have it all, we must have both. In order to be whole, we must acknowledge all of our parts. Happiness is not found in illusions of perfection but in how we cope with the all that we are. How do you feel about anything and everything? Those answers are your personal emotional definitions based on your life experiences. Use your heaven to lift your hell while holding the hand of courage as well as that of fear so that you may break your chains.
For a long time I have told people that if someone cannot take you on your bad days then they do not get to have you on your good days. This was a reference to their being caught up in how they looked on any given day. There are days that we are happy with how we appear and days that we are not. We are, however, never perfect every minute of every day. If we spend our time being focused on the appearance of ourselves then we are participating in the illusions of perfection which is a green truth. I only more recently realized that that statement fits all of life. The real truth is that we are all a circle of heavell whether we are talking about our appearances, behaviors, personal definitions, choices or blah. We want to have it all and yet we are not willing to realize that that means having it all; heaven and hell. Failing to accept ourselves as wholes, by showing and celebrating only parts, leads to the fracturing of ourselves which makes us unhappy people who cannot cope. I have had an issue with allowing others, especially my children, to be unhappy which is part of the reason why we are here. I have realized that I wanted to only deal with or have, happy children with happy memories. Do as I say not as I do. It is amazing the amount of people who only acknowledge us or show up when we are being what they want or if it gives the appearance of being good. The problem is that it doesn’t show the real truth about them or even ourselves. I think of all the people who said we appeared to be this together family when in truth we definitely had issues. Some of the people in this family only focused on the hell of others while I tended to focus on only the heaven of them. Both of those positions are wrong in that it denies the whole and leads to fracturing. We do not know who someone is unless we know both the heaven and hell of that person; just as that person cannot know or accept their self if he or she only shows or acknowledges some of the parts. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people in a world of green truths. Some people appear to be or have only heaven while in reality they have it all as well. I am the best version of myself today with the hope that I will be even better, perhaps tomorrow, but it requires accepting or changing all or some of my parts while acknowledging the same for the people in my life. I do not, nor do they, get to choose only the parts that are heaven because all relationships require work; even the one with ourselves. We all fall down whether we are addicts or non-addicts. If we seek only heaven while hiding hell, we will stay fractured. Ryan’s addiction brought all of this to the front despite our heavenly expectations while pretending that the mirror did not exist. Someone asked me why would I ever write about what I have been through and learned. She was horrified that I would expose myself as well as others to being seen for what we are and what we have done rather than continue the illusions of perfection that we have been so good at appearing to be. By behaving today as we did yesterday as we could tomorrow, we are in part responsible for where angels fall and for the chains that continue to bind us as well as them to hell. You should be here not there but that requires courage and fear not denial and justification. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do; in all sorts of ways but especially in secret so that no one sees the real truth about them. Happiness is not found in appearances, parts, justification, denial or blah. Happiness is found in the whole of ourselves knowing that we are made up of heaven and hell. If you cannot take me on my bad days then you cannot have me on my good days because I am all of it not just parts of it. So are you and pretending otherwise will not change the real truth. It is not our ability to love or make love but our ability to face controversary together, that hell, that determines the success or failure of our relationships with others as well as ourselves. I am frustrated, saddened and accepting of the hell in me because that is how I came to be who I am. Through the illusions of perfection, I appear and have appeared to have it all. The real truth is now you see me, now you don’t because illusions imply only heaven. Having it all means heaven and hell; the full circle of heavell. By denying that, we will remain fractured, unhappy people instead of the happy people we can be. Addicts and non-addicts really are the same type of people standing on opposite sides focusing on only some of the parts. The remedy has always been in seeing, accepting and or changing those parts of ourselves that make our whole. My memories of Ryan prior to his addiction, are wonderful memories but they fail to see all of him rather than just the illusion of him. Today is not a good day for Ryan. I will show up for his hell because he deserves that and because I am strong enough to do so. Choosing not to is also an acceptable answer as long as I am accountable for my choice not him. You do not have to show up either. No one expects you to be that strong but we do expect that you own that choice rather than justify or deny your accountability for it. I think about all the people who failed to show up for Ryan in his life, which in truth includes me. None of it was a reflection of what he deserved but rather a reflection of who we were then and of those who still are that way today even after so many moments of almost losing him. Every dream matters whether mine or yours because having it all actually means HAVING IT ALL. Happy people accept and change their heavell with courage and fear but never denial or justification because those apples are the friend of the snake and he doesn’t want anyone to be happy.
Dear Ryan. This year has been filled with serious challenges that have been as daunting as your addiction. All of those parts make you who your are. Find your happiness not in the hell that others would have you believe or that you feel but in the whole where your heaven can lift up your hell. It is not enough for me to see and accept ALL of you. You must also do that for yourself otherwise those chains that bind will remain. You are a dream and a nightmare. So is everyone else despite their illusions of perfection. If you cannot stand today, be easy with yourself while accepting the hand of fear. Courage will reach out in time and you will breathe again. The remedy is in you and always has been.
The memories of what had been made it hard to accept what had become or to even fully engage in reality. I remember my son when he was the athlete and the good student as well as the defender of the underdog. Once a young woman, who went to school with Ryan, asked him “where is the Ryan I know” when she saw him doing drugs at a party. He responded that that person was gone and that she should leave him alone. He told me that she was crying as she walked away. Her memories of Ryan as well as mine have been both heaven and hell as neither of us could forget the Ryan we had known nor accept the Ryan that was now before us. Our moments and experiences in life create who we are, giving each of us our personal emotional definitions, and as such must be accepted as the parts of us but not the sole definer of us. Addicts focus on their parts of hell while non-addicts’ attention is on their parts of heaven. We fracture when we fail to acknowledge all of it while living only some of it regardless of whether it is solely heaven or solely hell. Both Ashlee and Ryan have stated that their recollections of themselves begins around the age of eleven or so. How is it possible that the previous years are missing? When there is hell in memories, many of the other events surrounding it are also lost. Addicts and non-addicts all use denial in order to not remember or relive painful things as well as not be accountable because sometimes our very survival depends on it. I think of the non-believers who failed to recognize my denial as a coping skill but I also think of my denial as having been a hinderance to my children and myself. When I look back on those years, I can see where I failed to cope well with a lot of things. What is done cannot be undone but by behaving today as we did yesterday as we will continue tomorrow, we are ensuring the continued fracturing of ourselves as well as others. Denial has helped me to survive my hell very much like substance abuse helps addicts survive theirs. It has however also prevented my moving forth just as it has prevented addicts from doing so. Now that I am standing, I am willing to look in the mirror and deal with each and every part. To do so otherwise would allow only some of the parts to be acknowledged; just as we had done in the illusions of perfection life we use to live in. Ryan’s addiction brought the awareness that we are wholes that are made up of so many things that should be loved or hated, accepted or changed but never hidden. I am so very grateful for the lessons that he as well as his sisters have taught me. Over time I am becoming a whole person while holding their hands in our lives of heavell. Through the adversity, the traumas and the celebrations in our lives, there is an understanding of how we became who we are. Those things, if used as an excuse, lead to the justification of behaviors than can and do destroy ourselves as well as others. They also create an inability to move forth regardless of whether the memory is of hell or heaven. Unhappy people alter their state of being through a substance, a person, a place or a thing but happy people don’t. I am not responsible for Ryan’s drug use nor my ex-husband’s use nor anyone else’s choices. I am responsible, however, for my part, my actions and reactions in life, that effected them. I am a circle of heavell that effects everyone else’s circle of heavell as are they. We all fall down, we all deny, we all justify and in the end we are all fractured which means we are all open to hell; some of us just make it easier for others to appear to be good.
Illusions of perfection. To the non-believers. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. Dreams can become nightmares whether they are addicts or not. Just to be remembered. A tree and a forest. Heavenly expectations are a green truth. Hide and Seek. The snake and the apples keep you fractured. Accept or change your circle of heavell. When you breathe, I breathe. Chains that bind us to hell can be broken. Courage and fear walk hand in hand. The remedy is in your whole not mine. How do you feel about denial? How do you think I feel about it?
Recent Comments