We are often told to not turn around and look at yesterday, but to instead live in the present while looking to the future. Yesterday, however, is a part of how we came to be and therefore cannot be ignored. It is where our mistakes, the lessons, our traumas, heavens or BLAH sprawl freely while being expressed from the inside to the outside. There is comfort in that history through its familiarity as the known always seems better than the unknown regardless of its heaven or hell orientation. With each new day there is also a new yesterday filled with moments and patterns that affect us. It is not possible for me to just ignore or get over what yesterday brought into my life. To do so would mean losing parts of myself that would leave me as a fractured person; not unlike an addict. Hell has been in my past and it will be in my future because the real truth is that life is a circle of heavell. No one, and I do mean no one, is moving through this life without having hell as a part of them as well as around them in some manner. People, places, substances or things will never lead to those heavenly expectations by the hiding or denying of that. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people but some of us make it easier for others to appear to be or to have only heaven. ‘Who are you?” is a question that is meant to lead to the discovery of your feelings about everything but most importantly about yourself; both the heaven and the hell. What you choose to do with the knowledge of those feelings establishes how you will continue to cope with all that was, is and will be in you. You may not have been powerful enough, yesterday, to change that which has been done but today you can transform with the help of the past. By choosing to see only some of the parts, you are conditionally loving yourself and or others. Those missing or hidden parts can make it difficult for anyone to feel complete just as anything will fail to thrive with only some of its parts. It can be hard to breathe when we feel alone but it can be just as hard to breathe when we are amongst people who relate to our misery. When this all began for me, I knew of no one who had fallen off the cliff into hell. I felt separated from everyone even with the presence of Ashlee and Taylor there. As the years passed, phone calls came in from other parents who were also facing the addiction of their dreams. There is a sadness that comes from knowing others are going through the same thing but there is also a relief in knowing we are not alone in hell. The unity of being the parents of fallen angels brought the commonality that is unearthed in that despair to the front as the part that defined us. I have come to learn though, through their suffering as well as mine, that my fear and courage are specific to me while theirs belongs solely to them. We can learn from each other but we can also fail to step towards dealing with having it all in the security of that solidarity. Addicts and non-addicts are very much the same as each gravitates towards the group that understands them. Breathing in the familiarity of those who are able to perceive us can help us to feel heard, seen and even give the appearance of being whole. You are the perfect person to accept all the parts that make you the only you in this world. Know that if you can’t accept your bad days, you will never truly have good days because one does not exist without the other. The green truth is that you are only a part or only some parts. The real truth is that you are a whole made up of parts that are both heaven and hell in orientation. Tomorrow will be just like yesterday if you do not take the hands of fear and courage and breathe in brave while walking alone on your circle of heavell; despite being surrounded by those who sympathize with you.
Change begins with the awareness that just because it has been done does not mean it was right then nor that it will be right in the future. Slowly but surely throughout communities we are beginning to see the transformation from the degradation of addicts to the implementation of processes that can help addicts move towards sobriety. We are proud and appreciative of the Tucson Police Department for their efforts to get addicts to the treatment that they need rather than persisting with the procedures of the past. Together we are powerful enough to change what has been by being a part of the solution rather than continuing to be a part of the problem.
I struggled, for years, to understand why the person that I thought was Ryan and the one Ryan believed he was, were not actually one and the same. Perceptions, of others or ourselves, based on fact and fiction can appear to be simple, the green truth, but are in reality complicated. What I knew of him was based on the appearance of the exterior, heaven, and yet beneath that layer was a turmoil that I did not realize existed. I can now see how I missed the moments and the patterns that were the warnings of that which was on the inside would not be denied being expressed on the outside. It’s hard to clearly understand the real truth when we often only see the illusions that are presented; when the surface appears to be smooth but underneath is a current of destruction. When the discovery of hell shatters our perception, we can refuse to acknowledge the reality of it in order to continue today as we had yesterday as we hope to in the future. We know our dreams and yet we do not know every part of them. Denial of what we do not or cannot see does not change the truth about anyone or anything although justification can help us to stay in those illusions. Each of us has moments of imperfection but patterns speak to a different reality that can be hard to perceive as well as accept until the state of things knocks us out of heaven and right off the cliff into hell. I spent a lot time trying to make Ryan’s addiction into a mistake, a misstep, because it was all that I was able to cope with or could understand. I had refused to accept that my dream who had become a nightmare had been actually living in a nightmare of his own. It is easier to believe that someone else, addict or not, is in denial than it is to realize and accept that those behaviors are occurring in ourselves as well. My perceptions of him as well as myself hindered my ability to find the balance between what was and what had become; the conflict between the green truth and the real truth. We are either a part of the solution or we are a part of the problem, the heaven or the hell, that makes a difference on the circle of heavell.
Someone recently told me that because outcomes are unpredictable due to a multitude of factors, our actions really don’t matter in this world; sounding very much like the apples known as denial and justification. The memory of those who had said that we did not seem to be the type that would have a child that would become an addict fueled the belief that our behaviors were of no importance. I felt confident that mine had not played a role in any of Ryan’s obstacles until hell held a mirror so big that I could not continue to point at others as the reason without including myself. So here I am, having appeared to be perfect, and yet having discovered that I have had a part in a host of issues. The perception I had of myself was altered by that truth and denial wasn’t going to bring back any illusions I had been living in. It would have been so much easier if I had let the world and myself believe that I have had it all; only heaven. No one wants to be here because the truth can be painful to delve into especially when our actions are a problem. It is impossible to be or have only heaven without also being or having hell. People, places, things, substances, denials or BLAH cannot change nor hide the effects of actions. I remember an individual who once told me, after a very painful event, that “I could handle it”. He would ultimately be right but at the time I was fearful. That person had been angry with me but had refused to allow me to have any feelings about how his actions had affected me. When you do this I feel this because your actions matter but mine don’t. His words have stayed with me because of that justification and denial; not unlike an addict. We have the ability to lift up or destroy others, as well as ourselves, in something as simple as a moment. If that simple moment can result in an effect, then multiple ones can wreak havoc upon someone to the point that they become fractured because actions always matter.
So do you know who you are? How about your feelings about anything and everything? Are you courageous today or is fear holding your hand? Breathe in brave because it lives in you even when you feel that it doesn’t. Hell has taught me more about myself, what I feel and what I am capable of, then heaven or its appearance could ever do. It is helping me to find me because it is about embracing my whole; not just the parts that are easy or that I choose to acknowledge. It has shown me the most amazing and courageous people that I have come to know and learn from; especially those who are addicts and those who fight for them. Located within hell are all those little boxes of feelings that make us who we are because we really do have it all. You should be here. Yes, you should be here because it is where the green truth is seen for what it is. A dream is also a nightmare that holds beauty if you breathe in brave but not if you live in illusions. Take just one step towards being the solution to break your chains. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept and or change each part but never reject the parts of hell. They will not be denied being expressed from the inside to the outside today or tomorrow or in the future; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly.
The phrase “I can’t, nay I won’t, do this again” has been said so many times in my life, especially over the past 13 years, that it became an intimate friend as well as an enemy. That expression was more than just a statement as it revealed the strongest emotions that ranged from the deepest sadness, to desperation, to the lifting of hope and to the most powerful one conveyed as rage. With each time that I, myself, reached that destination, it was as if I were standing on the edge of a cliff feeling cornered and yet terrified to jump. The unknown can be unbelievably paralyzing even when the familiarity of the known is so filled with hell that it is impossible to breathe. I repeated that pattern continuously as I moved from denial, to hope, back to the resignation that Ryan would never, ever get out of the hell of addiction and then to the discovery of hope once again. The amount of trauma that I suffered during those years was enough to break me more times than I want to recall. I was driven by the insanity of the addiction that consumed my son which resulted in my repeating the same behavior while expecting a different outcome. When I look back on that time and remember my feelings throughout those events, I can see how Ryan and I were very much the same. From what I have seen as well as felt, it is never easy for most people to change a behavior or to maintain that change whether an addict or not. Hope keeps us coming back while looking forward to tomorrow for that heaven that was not found in the hell of yesterday nor today. Hope and truth walk hand in hand on the trail of addiction knowing that once it has been stepped on, the passage will forever whisper the memories of hell to those who once sought solace from it.
When our dreams, our loved ones, relapse, it can be as debilitating for us as it is for them by bringing the possibility of painful and dangerous events to the front once again. Just as in the beginning, new and old feelings can overwhelm us during the reality that this is not as simple as we want and need. We can feel as if the progress that had seemed to be achieved was merely another falsehood from our addicts. A fall or falls can result in non-addicts feeling resentment while believing that they want the sobriety of an addict more than the addict does; that he or she may not really be trying. I can tell you that my fury has equaled the wrath of hell from the start of Ryan’s addiction and well into a multitude of relapses. I have hated the lies, the falls and the impact that addiction has had on our lives with as much passion as I have felt about trying to understand the evolution of it. I could not grasp why it had started and why it would not just go away. If only Ryan had done what I said when I said each and every time, we would not have been facing hell again and again. There were even moments when I had hoped that tomorrow would not arrive just so that I could deny the existence of hell in my life. My sense of all that I had known, believed and felt was overturned the night that I had received the phone call telling me that my son had been arrested for drug possession. That invalidation of yesterday kept coming with the tomorrows; leaving me resentful of hell and the mirror that just wouldn’t leave me alone. The rise of that hope and the plunge of that despair was at times so violent that it left me in a heightened state of agitation that made it all but impossible for me to see the beauty in anything. I had forgotten how to breathe and being brave was not even a possibility.
The behaviors of addicts, as well as others, are not personal despite the very direct way that their choices affect us; they are a reflection of themselves and not of what we deserve. There have been times when I have felt like I could scream forever as my obsession over stopping Ryan’s addiction became as profound as his need to continue it. I have lived, breathed and consumed it to the point that I was merely existing to the detriment of Ashlee and Taylor. I have denied the effects of my behaviors and I have given reasons for them as well. I also chose to lie about them as I was sure that tomorrow would bring the discovery of the change that was needed; making any lie inconsequential. My behavior was not personal even though it absolutely impacted each of them on that very same deep level that I had felt. The end justified the means for me because I was desperate; not unlike an addict. Both Ryan and I were each completely focused on the object of our desires regardless of who could be or was hurt in the process. Through this, I have found that lies spoken and heard can be cathartic in moments by allowing the temporary avoidance, the denial, of the real truth and the price of it. Hope can also be found entwined in those fabrications as a reason to continue to believe and or cope for the deceiver as well as the recipient. As similar as all the behaviors of addicts and non-addicts are, they are still specific to each individual through the emotional definitions that each feels from the life that has been created on the circle of heavell. We cannot assume that the effects nor the steps taken and or lost will occur in the same manner for everyone; it is just not that simple. Brave is not necessary when we are in heaven nor in the illusions of perfection. Fear’s hand and courage’s hand are found in the beauty of hell exactly where they are needed. It is also the place where brave will eventually breathe in you when you are able to face the mirror. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept and or change each part of you; never deny any of those parts because they are what make you the only you. Hope can be found in every moment on the circle of heavell where it walks hand and hand with that real truth because one cannot exist without the other; keep them both close to you and the chains will eventually break.
Addiction consumes addicts with the need for substances that alleviate emotional and physical pain and or mental challenges. Non-addicts can be just as conscious of addiction in our attempts to dissipate addiction as well as the substances that feed it. While no one knows if they will become an addict until they start something, there are things that are happening in all of our lives that fracture people to the point that they will search for relief wherever it may be found. Of all the apples that the snake uses to lure us into hell, the most poisonous one is known as SHAME. The toxicity of the best friend of the snake is so intense that it can bring down whole forests when a single tree merely takes one bite. In fact that distress is so deadly that it can stay living generation after generation after generation while spreading from one tree to one forest and on to the next. It loves everyone equally as it works to hide or remove the parts of heaven in each us to the point that hell is all we can see and feel. It is rarely seen but is felt so deeply and expressed so intensely that it can bring even the strongest to their knees. That pain fuels jealousy, denial and justification as well as judgement while encouraging everyone to live in illusions of perfection so that no one sees that we are each, in part, made up of hell. That affliction is the plague on this earth that creates lies, anger, hatred, bullying, self-loathing, disgust and the abuse of ourselves as well as others; emotionally, mentally and physically. It is the creator of emotional definitions that are so defeatist in nature that it is virtually impossible to eradicate them; children are especially vulnerable. We can all feel guilty at times but it is the velocity and ferociousness of shame that creates such an emptiness in our souls that it helps addiction to find its beginning. It’s the whispering voice in our minds and hearts that tells us that we are inadequate in comparison to others and dangles heavenly expectations just out of our reach. With or without our conscious knowledge, that degradation breathes when we do and slips out of our exhalation, our words and into the air for others to breathe in. It loves our dreams so profoundly that it will fight us to the death for each and every one of them. If everyone on the circle of heavell is doing the right thing, shame would never have the capacity, the strength in this world to create such devastation. Tricks are not just for drugs, substances, people, places or things but are the tools that the snake uses to destroy each of us. The strongest chain that binds all of us to hell, even to addiction, is the apple known as shame as it tells us who we are and who we will never be; in our dreams and through our dreams. It is however not the real truth or even a green truth but a complete falsehood that can and does brutalize the lives of addicts and non-addicts. Happy people do not shame others but unhappy people do every single day; sometimes publicly and other times in secret but never for the good of anyone because it is the best friend of the snake. You should never be here.
To the victims of shaming and those who exhale it: In life every single person makes mistakes or behaves inappropriately at some point or is different or needs help or fails to know how to or repeats their normal or BLAH; the mistakes are how we learn. Shame will no longer have any power in this world when we work to overcome ours and then share with others how to change and improve by our examples. Just because you have survived yours does not mean others will or can as well. The use of humiliation is a reflection of the person expressing it and not of what others deserve; there is no excuse for it but there is an understanding of how it came to be. Despite what you learned, feel, heard or saw, substances, people, things, behaviors, denial, shame or BLAH will not remove your pain nor keep it from rising. What has been done cannot be undone. Choose to stand, today, while holding the hand of courage as well as the hand of fear. Breathe in brave because it lives in you in moments. Look in the mirror at you. You are a circle of heavell so seek out your hell and accept or change it but never deny it nor repeat the normalcy of it. Addicts and non-addicts are really very much the same as they behave today as they did yesterday as they will continue to do so in the future to the detriment of all. You know your heaven as well as your hell so you are the perfect person to love you. There is more to see but not if you bite the apples of denial, excuses, justification and especially the most poisonous one of all known as SHAME. Stop listening to the snake because he is not your friend even if he tells you he is.
What does being brave mean to you? Often we feel that the people who have that quality are the ones who are rescuers or enforcers, or are people who go above and beyond or perhaps are even self-less. We believe that the bold do what they do because they are strong physically, emotionally and mentally. Those things are true but they are also a green truth. Some moments of bravery lay in the day an addict decides not to use a substance any more or a parent decides to send their teen away to rehab despite that teen’s pleadings not to. The simple act of not acting can also be bravery as long as excuses or justification are not a part of it. I have been immobile from fear to the point of being on my knees during a lot of the years of Ryan’s drug use. I have also had a few moments of incredible bravery that I reached deep inside to find; like when I had Ryan forcefully taken away to rehab or when I planned to turn off his ventilator. For some people, daring is found in the simple act of getting up each day or in walking into a classroom full of people. It is also found in those who step forward despite having stepped back the day before. Being brave does not mean that you have all of the answers nor all of the strength that is required to do or to overcome something. It means that at some point you stand and step forward for however long you are able to in whatever manner you are able to; sometimes while holding the hand of fear. That fortitude is expressed in the word no as well as the word yes. It can be found in not knowing what to do today with the belief that it will be solved in the future. It is formed in the ability to love, hate, accept or change each part of our personal circle of heavell. That strength is also shown when we recognize the effect that our actions have had on others and not just theirs on us. Courage is found in the smallest of moments as well as the biggest ones no matter who you are or what you have done or have survived. It takes grit to choose to not continue to behave today as you did yesterday. Heart lies in the traumas, the failings, the mistakes, and the losses. Beauty is not just in the places that you fit in but can also be discovered where you don’t. It is, however, never found in comparison nor competition because those are the friends of the apples known as denial, justification and excuses. Bravery lives in you and breathes when you do but sometimes it’s hard to remember how to do that.
Hell can bring the bravest to their knees because it loves everyone equally even if some appear to be there longer than others. Past or current traumas, no matter the size, can fracture us to the point that we may be surviving while not coping well. Being lost at times is a part of life, especially when things do not go as planned. It was not my plan for Ryan to become an addict nor was it his but here we are. It was not Ashlee’s plan to grow up with an addict as her father and ultimately an addict as her brother nor to make sacrifices in order to help both of them. It was not Taylor’s plan to have her brother’s addiction effect her life nor to suffer an illness that would alter her life but they both did. When people, places and things bring shadows or even darkness into our lives, it is easy to be angry and or unable to move forth; sometimes in secret and sometimes for long periods of time. It is not just our traumas but the pain of others, that once shared, that can damage us as well. Addicts and non-addicts both fail to manage well through challenges while using denial or justification to continue existing. The chains that bind us can and do bind others whether we realize it or not and even if that was not our intent. We know how to long for, enjoy and love heaven as we believe happiness is found only there. We have, however, failed to develop a relationship with hell even though it is an intimate part of the circle of heavell that we all reside in. That what doesn’t kill us still breaks us but it need not be the sole definer of us. Hiding it will not remove it from being a part of the circle nor will lying about its existence even with the help of justification. You can run but the mirror will find you because your little boxes of feelings are what make you the only you. Love, hate, accept and change all those parts of you. Know that beauty reflects both light and dark because it is as much a part of hell as it is of heaven. We already have it all but we don’t actually know what to do with the parts that are not the happy ones. Bravery lives in you so take your time breathing until you are able to bear one step. This is not a competition but a crusade to embrace all of you perhaps today, or tomorrow or in the future. You will find us in hell holding the hand of courage as well as fear while being perfectly, irritatingly, messy people but never illusions of perfection. We are not brave every day but have been in moments that ultimately led to our standing. Be kind to you for you are the perfect person to accept and love all of you.
Last week I met an amazing young man named Trevor Garroutte whose purpose had been laid out with each step moving towards the happiness that he desired. Then life brought hell in the discovery of a blood disorder and a cancer that would end his purpose forever besides having the ability to kill him; he had already survived being a medic for the military in Iraq. With bravery he faced his illness and won but in that hell he lost his way because he no longer knew what to do or who to be. He spiraled into homelessness for sometime. He eventually returned to his family but found he was merely existing while searching for a job. Knowing he would never find himself if he didn’t break the chains, he decided to embark on a walk across the United States that started in California and ended in South Carolina. In his book titled “Stomping In Puddles”, he details that which broke him as well as helped him to find his way back. This book is a remarkable and raw reflection of Trevor and yet so relatable for any of us. We can understand the trauma, the pain, the loneliness and being unable to breathe as well as the feeling of making it through one day at a time. The book is available on Amazon for $15.00. Trevor is a veteran, a cancer survivor, a writer, and a speaker who found beauty in hell.
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