The things that we feel on the inside and then express on the outside can make finding our way through hell especially challenging. Last week I spent sometime speaking with a friend, an addict, who was requesting my help. Unfortunately none of my thoughts on the ways that help or even change could be achieved resonated with this person; the scenario reminded me of past moments with Ryan. How frustrating can it be for both of us when our feelings do not connect because we each feel differently about the whole aspect of addiction? This dream specifically told me that he or she does not want to nor is willing to feel the pain in his or her life; that heaven is the only acceptable place to be. I could relate to those feelings because looking in the mirror was something I had been able to avoid for years by being an illusion of perfection. The knowledge of that unwillingness to face our own hells created a common ground between us that afforded the ability to perceive of each other; even if it occurred in a small manner. His or her escaping from the pain, the traumas, though, can result in an end to his or her life; whereas my avoidance does not. On the inside, where all the moments in life have come together, are the pieces that make this person who he or she is. It is the place where heavell lives; whether it is wanted or not. In the past, I have felt fear for this person because of his or her addiction. As time has passed, I am now in the position of feeling sadness for what has been lost; as well as what may never be found in the tomorrows. Every person who lives within or has been affected by hell can attest to not wanting to feel any of the pain. It is the reason why we hide some of the parts of ourselves; especially when life brings more than we can bear. In order to be whole, though, we must acknowledge every piece because they exist together; within our personal circle of heavell. By acknowledging the anything and the everything in our lives, we can learn from those moments; rather than deny that they exist. The reasons why anyone would only have heavenly expectations in life is not that hard to grasp; especially with it appearing to be the only acceptable place to be. As far as addiction or even the BLAH is concerned though, it is just not that simple. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I.
Substance abuse not only provides the avoidance of pain but it also imparts the false validation that the feelings of the user are indeed supported; it’s one of the promises that leads people to cope through the use of them. When the people in our lives find that needed connection through people, places, things, substances or the BLAH, it can feel like betrayal to us. I know that during Ryan’s drug use, I could not understand why he would have ever chosen them over us. I had not been able to understand the unity he felt with them through the cathartic relief that they had brought. The family of my friend cannot perceive of the attachment that he or she has for substances. They are however aligned in their feelings of betrayal that have resulted from their loved one’s addiction. My friend and his or her family stand on opposite sides believing that the other one is wrong, the hell, because they have not experienced substance abuse in the same manner. How difficult is it to speak with someone who has had a completely different encounter then you have; no matter what the subject is but especially in addiction? What has been done has become a part of each of us and denying that will not change the real truth. Each of us, whether an addict or not, can and do share in the commonality of living in or desiring what was in the yesterdays or in only having heavenly expectations; even if it’s detrimental to our wellbeing. What’s in your words that you say to yourself and others? Do you deny the BLAH? Each of us is more than just a dream or a nightmare and as such each of us has the ability to lift up and or destroy ourselves as well as others. My friend wants to live life the way he or she desires regardless of the harm, the hell, that may occur to his or her self or even to others. Words, knowledge, anger, shaming or even pleading will not alter the behavior of someone unless that person feels the same connection or is able to truly seek change; addiction is not a choice that anyone aspires to. This family, as well as the addict, are only able to see the hell and with each passing day, heaven is becoming a memory that is hidden farther and farther in the shadows; even though they are all pretending to live in what appears to be the only acceptable place. Got heavell?
To my friend: I have known you through so much over so many years. You have perceived of the changes in me and as such have said you are proud of as well as happy for me; thank you. Life has brought more than you have been able to bear; I am sorry for that. Rather than seeking my help, it seemed as if you were looking for my approval to live your life the way you desire; you have already been doing that without my say so. The pain, the traumas, the “f” moments are not that simple and dealing with them will bring all of those feelings to where they can be seen as well as felt. You have been expressing those hidden parts on the outside through your substance abuse for years. I did not get where I am today by staying as an illusion of perfection nor by just having heavenly expectations; without having to deal with the hell. When you look in the mirror you see what? You are your guide and only you can go through while breathing in brave into your heart; not the words or the behaviors of others. Substances along with the apples known as denial and justification are not on the trail to heaven; even if the snake told you they were. You shouldn’t be here but you are. How is that working for you? Come along fallen angel because you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change all of you; denying the hell hasn’t worked yet. I hope you and your family pick your own weeds so that each of you may find beauty no matter where each of you are. Mirror, mirror just tell the truth. Please stand by because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not. See you soon my friend.
It’s easy to find just the heaven or even just the hell of any moment or BLAH through our perceptions of each but it is not that simple to see both in every situation. When heaven is experienced, we can effortlessly be happy and if its the opposite we then can focus on the harm or the pain. Every piece of ourselves as well as those moments contains the chance to understand, learn from and or appreciate more than just what is easily seen or felt. Our personal emotional definitions can and do limit our ability to see the full circle of heavell; especially when life brings more than we can bear. I found myself being unable to hear or even understand Ryan during those times when we had worked on the issues between us; “When you do this I feel this…”. I was sure that I had been justified in my behaviors, those actions and reactions, while he did as well about his own. We stood on opposite sides believing that the other one was wrong or only the hell; which was a green truth. In the face of addiction, it is tangible to believe that the coping through substances is wrong but unfortunately it has and never will be that uncomplicated. I fought that knowledge for years through the belief that if Ryan would just stop using or if drugs were entirely unavailable, that all would return to my heavenly expectations. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside and as such where there is a will, a need, there will always be a way. Some behaviors, such as substance abuse, are obviously detrimental to one’s wellbeing whereas other ones can be harder to see as well as to comprehend. The hell of Ryan’s addiction was that it all but destroyed a tree who basically then brought down the whole forest. The heaven of it, quite simply, is that his dependency ushered in the mirror that showed all of the truth that had been so easily denied or justified; especially when stated by him as an addict. The “f” moments appeared to be understandable but they still brought hell to the lives of others as perceived by the holder of those feelings. Someone told me that a friend had left her feeling abandoned after the relationship had ended years ago; a trauma that carried the weight of the world. It took sometime for me to perceive that it was I who had been the conveyor of that pain. I had not understood the affects of my actions/reactions on her because its always easier to know our feelings than it is to try and grasp those of someone else; we did not feel the same about that situation. The details do not matter but the end results was that hell had been breathed into the heart of that person despite that not having been my intentions. Her feelings are of significance because they are a part of who she is and how she became that person; just as I am who I am and Ryan is who he is. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Do you deny the BLAH? Do you think you are only heaven or hell; whether an addict or not? Do you justify your behaviors or even deny them? While we are not responsible for what someone does on the inside with what we do on the outside, we cannot ignore our ability to lift up and or to destroy others; as well as ourselves. A hug can lift the weight of the world just as easily as words can chain someone to hell. Tricks are not just for drugs but are also a part of those apples known as judgement, denial and justification that play a role in how we feel on the inside and then express it on the outside; whether an addict or not. Happy people do not alter their state of being through substances, people, places, things and the BLAH but unhappy people do every day; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. If we look for or only want the heaven or even the appearance of it, we are fracturing ourselves because the real truth is that we do have it all. Relationships, people, moments and the BLAH are complicated because of those personal emotional definitions; that came together while being affected by all the circles of heavell that have influenced them in life. Beauty hides in the shadows right next to all of those moments, the traumas and even the BLAH that we cannot possibly know; unless they are said and listened to without those apples. Life has a no return policy because what has been done cannot be undone but hope is waiting in today and in the tomorrows. Have you got heavell and are you ready to see you?
The Apples are words with definitions, whether dictionary or emotional, that bring a connection as well as an empowerment to those who belong to the group that agrees; the heaven. The use of them, however, also brings to an end the ability to learn from every moment or the BLAH about ourselves and or others; which is the hell. Even if we do the same thing or have a similar behavior, we cast a verdict through those apples that a behavior, an action or reaction, is completely wrong from someone else but ours is understandable. The apples can and do encourage only doing the right thing when and if others do it first. Those words also lead to the behaviors that prevent us from learning what hell is meant to be; a place to discover all that has come together that makes us who we are. Hell will never be that far away because it is where the lessons are. It’s up to you as to whether you are just in hell or if beauty can be found no matter where you are; you are your own guide. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may understand each other; but not if we use the apples. The significance of being an athlete or not, a good student or not, an adult or not, rich or poor, educated or not or BLAH is minimal in comparison to who you are as a person; what you feel on the inside and then what you do with that knowledge on the outside. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not.
Every situation and every person contains both heaven and hell; bringing the version of each through the challenges, the celebrations and the lessons learned or not. It is often said that one person’s heaven is another person’s hell but that is a green truth. One cannot exist without the other although it can be incredibly difficult to find beauty in the hell when it often hides in the shadows. The loss of a dream is the most challenging because with it comes the inability for there to be a tomorrow even though yesterday will always just be. The process of being in either place pertains to the holder of that hell or that heaven; whether an addict or not. Sometimes the things that we face are more than what we can bear and denying that only ensures that hell will always stay close. The ability to cope well in any given moment depends on what that moment, that trauma, or that BLAH is as well as how we feel on the inside when it occurs. In my life, some of the simplest events have brought me to my knees while other ones that should have destroyed me resulted in a momentary flinch. If those things continually happen, it can and does get harder and harder to breathe. Substance abuse, whether an addict or not, contains within it such extremes of emotions that sometimes it is easier to seek concrete answers while hiding or denying those feelings. Ryan is my dream, a fallen angel, but for others he is nothing more than addict, a nightmare; we have not felt the same about him. We each are or have been in denial while using justification for our behaviors; the real truth is that Ryan is both. Neither the non-believers nor I can dismiss the full circle of heavell that he is because to do so will ensure that he remains fractured. When that counselor, all those years back, had said that I could not hand Ryan his belief in himself, he had only been somewhat right. By seeing only the pieces that I had wanted to, those heavenly expectations, I was failing to help Ryan love, hate, accept or change every part of himself in order to be whole. The same then can be said of the non-believers who wanted only to see a part or some of the parts of him that are only the hell. I am so much more than just the mother of an addict or the hell in someone’s life or even the heaven in another’s world; we all are. Each of my children can relay heaven and hell moments about me even when talking about the same event. All of those emotional definitions are valid and denying that will not change the truth in the mirror; its easier to only be or see or hear the heaven. We cannot breathe into our hearts the feelings of others because within them lie the fracturing that prevents us from learning the lessons and or finding the beauty in hell. What has been done cannot be undone no matter what we hope for, wish for or deny because yesterday will always be a part of us. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Do you deny the BLAH? Do you only see the hell of you or only the heaven? Beauty can be located no matter where you are, on the inside as well as the outside, but it is your emotional definitions that will determine when or if you will find it. You are the perfect person to love all of you but never deny the BLAH otherwise you will continue to only perceive of illusions of perfection; a place where real beauty will never be found.
The HugTrain made it’s way through Tucson on Sunday and the founder, Arie Moyal, stood on a street corner while offering free hugs. This gentle, giant who hails from Quebec, has been riding the trains to different cities in the United States during the holidays for ten years; as a way to bring a distinct perspective about the world through hugs and mental health support. This year his ride was dedicated to a fallen angel that was lost to an overdose a few months ago. I missed the opportunity to meet him in person but I was fortunate enough to speak with him for some time once he made it to Los Angeles. I was amazed at his perspective of the needs of his friend while also being painfully aware of his inability to help that dream find his belief in himself before time ran out. Yesterday will always be in their friendship but there is no today nor will there ever be a tomorrow because what has been done cannot be undone. What, then, to do with the emotions of the anything and the everything, from the friendship as well as the loss of it; as it pertains to the one who carries it on the inside? Arie is the only one who can find or not the beauty that lives in the hell that will always just be; just as each person who knew that dream must do in their own time and way. This year’s ride has contained more of the hell side of the circle of heavell for Arie as feelings can be and are exhausting; leaving it hard to breathe and to know where to step next. With each year, he has been generating and sharing a concrete thing, hugs, during a time of the year that can be overwhelming for so many. The green truth is that Arie does this for others but the real truth is that he is also finding his way through life on those train rides each year. Arie sacrifices more than most realize for those hugs spread out over the cities that the trains stop at. For years he has personally funded those acts of kindness until disability placed him in the vulnerable position of being perceived through the generosity of others on his GoFundMe. Please check him out on Facebook at HugTrain; it is a non-profit organization. He still has a few more days to go and you can see his trip from the beginning until the end there. Arie will probably never know the impact that he has had on one life or perhaps even many lives over the past ten years; only those who carry it on the inside know the real truth. After speaking with him, I was once again reminded of my ex-father-in-law who gave me the greatest gift via a hug on a day when life was more than I could bear. Never stop Arie because people like me need you to help us express what is on the inside without the use of words that don’t always mean the same thing to others. As you said, “A hug conveys the message that you are seen and that you matter”. Thank you Arie Moyal for your time and your words of wisdom.
To All: Addiction is an opportunity to discover and know every part, the hell and the heaven, of ourselves as well those of others. You are more than the substance abuse that affects your life; whether an addict or not. Love, hate, accept or change every part but never deny the BLAH or you will remain fractured. It matters not what I say for my emotional definitions belong to me but it does matter what you do with the knowledge of you; you are your own guide. If I were you I would see what in the mirror? That which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; determining whether you are just in hell or if beauty will be found no matter where you are. If your scared just say your scared because we all are at some point. When was the last time you hugged yourself; especially when life brings you more than you can bear? See you soon, love Heaven and Hell.
When dreams become nightmares through addiction, its easy to focus upon the substance abuse as being the sole problem but that is a green truth. We rarely, if ever, know the real truth about what it took for someone to get where they are until we deal with all that has occurred. Substances are concrete items that can easily be seen and therefore easily blamed; versus the hard to understand feelings of ourselves as well as others. By simply controlling substances or removing the access to them, the belief is that addiction will no longer be a problem; another green truth. Where there is a will, there will always be a way. Where there is a need, especially the desire to run from pain or to fit in, there will always be a way. When Ryan began using, it had started with a friend offering him a prescription pill with the promise that it would surely make everything alright in life. Why does anyone need a person, a place, a substance, a thing, a BLAH in order for that to occurr? The problem with the yesterdays is that in them lie all that has been done whether seen or not; leading to that which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside, eventually. It has really taken me such a long time to know and even understand all the things that drove Ryan to escape life through his false friendship with drugs. They had brought him the ability to cope in a life where he had learned to only appear to be an illusion of perfection. The story of each addict is not exactly the same but part of the answer of addiction does lie in the pieces that bind any and all addicts to the use of any and all substances; not just the addictive nature of each substance or even the addict brain itself.
If in life we are supposed to help each other become the best version of ourselves, then dealing with the hell side will have to be a part of achieving that; heaven does not exist without hell. Life is never going to be favorable with its challenges nor is any person going to be well timed in the deliverance of the parts that demand the ability to cope well. It is easy enough to believe that the anything and the everything from the yesterdays will just stay there but they don’t. See you soon in the future in the form of addiction when “unhappy people” cope through the use of substances. Those moments, no matter the size, make up the traumas, no matter the size, that are carried in the heart when they are breathed in. They are perceived by the person who feels them; where they can and do carry the weight of the world. How you feel about the anything and the everything is not necessarily what anyone else feels even though we all understand the dictionary definitions of words. What is in your words that you say to yourself and to others? Do you cope well? Dreams do not aspire to become nightmares, victims do not hope to become monsters and angels do not plan to live in hell but it happens every single day; whether convenient or not. We must treat all of the parts of us equally otherwise we will only be illusions of perfection; altering our state of being because we will need people, places, things, substances and BLAH to feel better. Feelings cannot be seen until they are expressed on the outside in manners that can be and are detrimental to ourselves as well as to others; they are what make each of us who we are. “I am sorry” is an important statement, whether an addict or not, because in it is the validation of the feelings of others. We may not feel the same way about the anything and the everything but we can relate to the need to be seen and heard. Addicts really are just like you and me because they feel the same way about facing the mirror and dealing with hell just as much as we do.
A scientist once told me that addiction has actually played a role in the survival of human beings. He explained that during the times when water carried diseases, the drinking of alcohol or fermented beverages prevented people from contracting illnesses that would have killed them. Today, however, addiction is not necessary in the survival of diseases even though it still holds the promise of existence in a world of pain; as well as for those who live with mental illness. The yesterdays are a part of us because they will always be; what has been done cannot be undone. If we behave today, though, as we have in the past, we will continue to be a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution. Just because it has been done does not mean that it was right then nor that it is right now. Addiction, like a circle of heavell, carries within it the vast layering of contributing factors; not just the ones that are easily seen and or blamed. If we are to truly help each other to become the best forms of ourselves then we must find beauty no matter where we are; coping well without people, places, substances or BLAH in order to feel better. Hell will never be that far away because life is not that considerate and heaven cannot exist without it. Pick your own weeds while carrying hope in your heart that others will follow your lead. I am sorry that you are here but you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you. What pieces bind you to heaven and or to hell? It matters not what I say but what you do with the knowledge of you; just don’t deny any of your parts or you will remain fractured.
To All: Every day is a new day to discover you. To face what has been done by you and to you. Breathe in brave while holding the hands of courage and that of fear. A wise friend once said, “If your scared just say your scared because we all are at some point”. You are more than the parts that bind you to addiction. Treat both the heaven and the hell in you in an equal manner because one does not exist without the other. Beauty will never be found in illusions of perfection. You are the real truth in your life whether anyone else feels the same way or not. Tomorrow is waiting for you to become a whole circle of heavell. What will you do with the knowledge of you?
What you feel about the anything and the everything will be expressed in your behavior and ultimately it is a reflection of what you discern life to be. If there is hurt or pain or a need to be perceived by others in your life, it is more likely that you will feel angry and or depressed. As such, you will react in ways that may not be of benefit to yourself nor to others; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. Throughout these years as we have dealt with the opinions as well as the behaviors of others towards Ryan, it has been surprising and painful to witness the justification of disrespect that he has endured. How hard can it be for an addict to overcome the addiction that lives within when the behaviors from others are a continual reminder of all that should not have been? In order to be whole, to overcome addiction, we must focus on all of the parts that are located within our personal circles of heavell; not just the ones we or others choose to view.
Unbeknownst to us was the real truth that the continual use of substances can and does permanently damage the body. The hospital Ryan was at a year ago failed to discover what was happening on the inside because of what they knew of him on the outside; that he had been an IV drug user. It mattered not what I had said nor even what Ryan had said because the only opinions that were of importance were those of the hospital personnel; as such that delay in treatment almost cost him his life. All feelings matter, regardless of who they belong to, but it is how they are coped with and then expressed that determines whether we are a part of the solution or a part of the problem; regardless of being an addict or not. After seven hours in the ER, the doctor had informed us that they had yet to draw blood on Ryan. His cavalier attitude had been the determiner in Ryan choosing to be discharged rather than to continue to wait for care. Fortunately I had demanded that they draw his blood before he had been released. Shortly after we had returned home, that same ER doctor had called to inform us that Ryan was in kidney and liver failure; he was critical. Anger swelled with every breath that I had taken as I listened to that doctor. Both Ryan and I had been painfully aware that he was being ignored during the time that he had laid on that gurney. Each of us at the hospital had felt differently about addiction and as such we had behaved according to those feelings; which has nothing to do with the dictionary definition of the word addiction. Someone recently told me that I should “just get over it”. We obviously did not feel the same about what had occurred but the devaluing of feelings will only result in a failure to resolve any issues. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Pick your own weeds otherwise you will only be an illusion of perfection who bites from the apples known as denial, justification and judgement; beauty will never be found in that hell.
The judgement of others has repeatedly been a hinderance in Ryan’s sobriety as well as almost having cost him his life. Perhaps addiction should come with a notice that states that addicts can and will be treated as less than by some people because “bad behavior justifies bad behavior”. We need to know how we feel about the anything and the everything but we also need to know how to cope well with those emotional definitions; whether an addict or not. The act of saying “I am sorry” is not the admittance of guilt nor the placing of someone else’s feelings above your own. It is the acknowledgement of the other person’s feelings that are based on his or her perception(s). We are each a circle of heavell that can be hell or heaven or both in the lives of others; illusions of perfection will not remove anyone’s sins. It is never easy to look in the mirror and see how we have affected others but beauty can be found in bringing to light what has been hidden. Life has a no return policy because tomorrow holds the opportunity to do this differently by not repeating the same behaviors of yesterday. Take the hand of courage and the hand of fear while breathing in brave. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine because a tree can bring down a forest and a forest can lift a tree.
To Ryan: Your compassion towards others and your forgiveness of them, despite never having received an apology, is why you are the hero that I aspire to be every day. I have said it before but I will say it again, “I am just so sorry for all my “f” moments”. Every moment matters with you and I will live in hell as long as you are there. I love you.
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