No matter what, whether we are talking about people, places or things, if a part or even parts are missing, the ability to function fully is not a possibility; its just not that simple. Life will always bring hell or heaven in a variety ways; those moments or things or the BLAH. It is, however, our ability to adjust the use of those parts that is needed to face the anything and the everything as a whole. Whether on the trail in hell or on the part that is in heaven, we must utilize the grace found in our strengths and weaknesses. We are the perfect people to love, hate, accept or change each of those parts. I am a nightmare and a dream because I am a circle of heavell; so are you whether you are an addict or not. There are times when I may appear to be one more than the other but the real truth is that I am both; you are as well. I have been stronger than I have known possible and weaker than I have imagined I could be; what is on the inside will be expressed on the outside. The shadows will never completely remove the presence of all that has been in the yesterdays nor that which will be in the tomorrows. When you breathe they breathe because they are a part of you; whether you want them or not. All of our parts treat us equally but it is ourselves, as well as others, who only want to perceive of or be seen as some of the pieces; a part or some parts can never equal a whole. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? When you look in the mirror, you see what? If you are going to sit amongst the weeds, then you must also sit amongst the flowers or vice versa; as well as both of them for others. Come along fallen angels and tell me how you feel about the anything and the everything so that I may know who you are; but more importantly so that you may remember the all of you. Tricks are for drugs, other substances, hell, illusions of perfection, the non-believers, heavenly expectations, the apples and you if your fractured. It matters not what I say but what you do with the knowledge of your whole circle of heavell; anything less wont work because it’s just not that simple.
As Ashlee has said: “Addiction, or even life itself, is like being on a roller coaster that moves with terrifying speed and slowness; that contains climbs as well as falls. There are moments that can make you laugh, cry or feel angry; while others leave you feeling suspended in mid-air. Each day can be the repeat of yesterday or it can bring a new challenge or even the relief that is so desperately needed.” Neither will ever just bring heaven nor will we only be that because without hell, it cannot exist. The perception of either lives within the heart of the beholder of all that has been and felt; those personal emotional definitions. Yesterday will always just be a part of us but we cannot behave today as we did then if we hope to end addiction; whether an addict or not. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do every day through the denying, hiding or judging of parts; resulting in the fracturing of ourselves. The key lies not in having heavenly expectations or in being an illusion of perfection or in just existing but in finding beauty no matter where you are; on the inside and on the outside. Get to know all that you are because you will always just be. You are your guide because you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change each of those parts; learn from your heavell not mine. Where have you been in your heart? Where will you be today? Yesterday holds the moments, the traumas or the BLAH that became a part of you. Tomorrow holds the hope that you will take the hand of courage as well as that of fear and find both the heaven and the hell of the anything and the everything. It is your parts, seen or not, that have led you to the place that you are in. I’m sorry but you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not. Hell can never be that far away because it breathes in us as well as life; just as heaven does. I believe in you but its what you do with the knowledge of all of you that determines whether you will find beauty or not; regardless of where you are. Every dream matters as does every nightmare because they are both a part of the angels that fall; as well as everyone else. Who better to speak for you than you? Heaven and hell love all of you equally; you should do the same for yourself. You can make it anywhere; as long as you use nothing but the whole circle.
My friend, who is an addict, asked me a few days ago if I thought that he or she mattered in the lives of others; knowing that you will be remembered is something that can be important to each of us. The question reminded me of the words spoken by the homeless, young people I spent time with in Denver last summer. Each one, but especially Thomas, had said that they just wanted to be remembered. The perception of what we recall about others is influenced by the how and the what they have been in our lives; the loss or the trauma(s), the laughter and the happiness, the briefness or the extended time, as well as the BLAH. The anything and the everything can and does affect what we discern as memorable; as well as where those moments are placed in our little boxes of feelings. As an addict who has had many moments of sobriety over a lifetime, my friend is a dream as well as a nightmare. He or she, though, only wants to be thought of as being what appears to be the only acceptable person, place or thing to be; heaven or the illusion of it. The green truth of it is that he or she can never truly be forgotten because of some or even all that has been given rise to; the moments found in the yesterdays as well as the ones that will be felt in the tomorrows. When there is hell in our lives, whether perceived by others or not, those hell moments can darken all of the heaven ones until they are hidden deep within the shadows; as if they never even happened. Because addiction has played a strong role in both Ashlee’s and Ryan’s childhood, many of the their memories, the heaven ones, were shrouded in darkness; leaving large parts of their lives hidden from their recollections. We are fractured when there are missing or hidden parts because a part or some parts can never equal a whole. We must treat both the heaven and the hell equally, whether an addict or not, to prevent that detachment or to restore what has been forgotten; the heaven parts can lift up the hell parts. The real truth is that it’s not whether we will be remembered or not but the how and the why we are that will live into the tomorrows. My friend does not want to be remembered for the hell that he or she has brought and yet that is part of what has been done. Denying the heavell will keep others fractured; as well as his or her self. What has been done cannot be undone for both the hell and the heaven; thus both must be perceived. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? How does your behavior affect you as well as others? Please stand by because hope lives in the future just as it lived in the yesterdays; located within the shadows of all that has been for each and everyone of us.
Last week another friend reminded me that we can be left feeling lost and uncertain when life does not go as we had planned or even had just hoped for; if your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. We often don’t know how to cope with all that has been but especially with the hell; even though it will never be that far away because heaven cannot exist without it. Addiction is not something that anyone aspires to have nor is anyone prepared to deal with it once it has begun; whether the addict or not. No dream, whether here or gone, is or was only the part that breathes through that addiction. Despite the similarities that can bind us together, everyone has a multitude of thoughts, feelings, behaviors and the BLAH that have come together in a specific manner within each of us. The perception of those moments, that have been filled with our feelings about the anything and the everything, are ours and ours alone to place in the little boxes in our hearts. Because of that, we are the perfect people to love, hate, accept or change all of our parts but never to deny any of them nor those of others. If we see and feel the hell, then it is up to us to locate the beauty that is hidden in the shadows within us; it is the only place where it can be located. If it is the heaven that has been found, then we must use that to help guide us when we are on the trail in hell. We can’t be who we are if someone else decides for us what to remember of any moment or person, or how to feel or even how to cope with all that has been; it’s my heaven that can lift my hell not yours. We can, however, all use help in embracing the heavell that each of us are; so that the hell does not overwhelm our moments and the heaven is not just the appearance of it. Tell me all of your feelings and I will tell you all of mine. When I look in the mirror I see a dream and a nightmare who has learned to find beauty no matter where I am. How about you? What do you see when you look in the mirror? We will be remembered but maybe not in the manner we had planned, hoped for or think we should be. Pick your own weeds and smell your own flowers because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not.
Based upon the piece(s) that we perceive of, about ourselves as well as those of others, we believe we know who we are or who someone is; but that is a green truth. The real truth is that we are all so much more than the part(s) that we show on the outside of ourselves or that we view on the exterior of others. We can be and are fractured if all of our parts are not acknowledged; whether loved, hated, accepted or changed. For too many years, addicts have been treated as if they were nothing more than “f” moment individuals; despite the fact that addiction has never been a choice nor something that anyone would aspire to be. The same can be said then about anyone who has been defined solely by a heaven or hell part; as if it is all that that he or she is. The student who does not learn the same way as the other students can be labeled as difficult; affecting all of his or her school years. The athlete, celebrated only for his or her gift, can become lost when that identity has faded into the yesterdays for everyone else. The individual who is perceived of as being heaven in one area, such as a job or a relationship, can also be hell to other people, places, things or the BLAH. We can be and are so focused upon a part or some parts, as sole definers, that we are unable to see the full circle of heavell in the anything and the everything; a part can never equal a whole. We must treat all of ourselves, as well as the all of others, equally so that the heaven pieces can lift up the hell ones while the hell parts remind us that beauty can be found no matter where we are; through the lessons of change and or acceptance. What is in your words, that you say to yourself as well as others, denies, justifies and judges the parts that appear to be the definers, but we’ve got heavell; whether it’s seen or not or wanted or not. Tell me what you see when you look in the mirror so that I may know who you think you are versus who I think I see. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I.
Held within each of our little boxes of feelings are the “f” moments, the traumas, the laughter, the misunderstandings, the judgement, the heaven, as well as the BLAH that occurred in every one of those yesterdays; as well as what we perceived of them. Even if a box seems to be an illusion of perfection on the outside, what is located within it cannot be altered; it’s just not that simple. What has been done cannot be undone because it will always just be. Grace for ourselves is found within our ability to open those little boxes of feelings so that voice that each possesses can be heard. It can be hard, though, to allow our feelings to be expressed, especially when the person or people who need to hear it, can’t or don’t or won’t. The more we avoid those boxes, the more they will affect us on the inside and then be expressed on the outside; to the detriment of ourselves as well as others. Who is better to speak about you than you yourself? What if one of the causes of addiction wasn’t a substance at all but instead was all that has been; the perception of which is in the heart of the beholder? Having courage does not mean that there is an absence of fear so if your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. What we have done with the knowledge of ourselves is a part of how we came to be on this trail. Wherever we go in life, those little boxes of feelings will always follow us because they will always be ours to keep. No amount of substance use, being illusions of perfection, heavenly expectations or the BLAH will alter those pieces. The only way is to treat all of ourselves equally by looking in the mirror and giving voice to all that has been; the heaven as well as the hell. What are your emotional definitions that affect the words that you say and hear when speaking to yourself as well as to others? How do you feel about all that has been? Where have you been in your heart? Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may understand each other but more importantly so that we may lift each other up; or find the beauty in hell.
I was a bystander to several exchanges between a mom and her teenage son yesterday. Each time the mother responded to her child, she did so with a loud, dramatic voice; as if she were on a stage and everyone around her was the audience. At one point she told her son to “PLEASE STOP WHINING!”. I had no idea what he had said, his words had been soft spoken, but her response left me wondering how he felt on the inside. Perhaps she was frustrated, in need of a little space in her life, but she seemed to miss the fact that her son was repeatedly trying to engage her in a conversation. I wondered if this teenager was aware that his mother was feeling something on the inside that she was expressing on the outside; that was about herself rather than him. Even though we may not mean to, our responses can and do lead angels to where they fall; as we do have the ability to lift up and or destroy others but especially our dreams. I hope that her son will not breathe her words or actions into his heart.
To Ashlee, Ryan and Taylor; as well as others: I am sorry if my words, my “f” moments, have affected you in a manner that left you feeling less than you should have. Each of those words or moments was a reflection of what was on the inside of me and unfortunately I expressed it on the outside; to the detriment of myself as well as others. I am sorry if you breathed them into your heart; that was never my intent. I cannot change what has been done but I can make sure that I do not repeat today or tomorrow what was in the yesterdays. If it’s wrong, then it’s wrong; regardless of the apples known as denial, justification and judgement. Thank you for challenging me to do this better and for helping me to look in the mirror.
Whether an addict or not, who we will be in the tomorrows can be an unknown as well as an uncomfortable place to be; yesterday holds the familiar parts of ourselves. We perceive of, as well as place a value upon, ourselves as well as others based on the knowledge of the anything and the everything that has occurred during those times. The chains that can and do bind us to the yesterdays are created through the words and the actions of everyone on the circle of heavell; some of which can carry the weight of the world in the heart of the beholder. What would happen if people, places, things, or the BLAH had a missing part or parts? How can they possibly be whole, work together, if parts are hidden, ignored or denied? It is all but impossible to learn from the “f” moments, to achieve a different outcome, if we do not acknowledge and deal with all that has been. My friend does not want to be concerned with the past and yet it is a part of what is driving his or her addiction. That person continues to cope today through the same actions as yesterday; resulting in the identical feelings and behaviors that he or she is comfortable with. What is on the inside can and will be expressed on the outside where we can feel the safety found within the expression of it; even if we hate it or long for a different one. We cannot pick just the flowers while pretending that the weeds do not occupy a place in each of us. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of yourself. You are the one who knows the yesterdays while standing by for the tomorrows. If you are scared then just say you are scared because we all are at some point. It is hard to breathe in brave with the familiarity of the known versus the yet to be revealed moments that live in the tomorrows. Where have you been in your heart? How comfortable are you in that place? What if you just experienced all of it? Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may understand each other. You are your guide no matter where you are so if nothing else, believe in the beautiful and sometimes painful knowledge of you.
If I were you, I would see what in the mirror? Does what you see and feel contain both the heaven and the hell of you; one does not exist without the other? There is a no return policy because what has been done cannot be undone but tomorrow need not be the same as yesterday. The past contains both a heaven and a hell that should be acknowledged but not breathed into our hearts because life is about using all of our parts. It matters what you do with the knowledge of you, from the broken pieces to the easy ones and everything else in between; there is only one you. It is possible to love yourself, whether an addict or not, while hating what addiction brings; the heaven and the hell of substance abuse. Grace for one’s self is achievable by perceiving of the value of having flaws and making mistakes rather than believing that they are unacceptable; and as such should be hidden or denied. An addict I know recently slipped back into the valley of the fallen angels through his addiction to alcohol. He repeatedly talked about his behavior during his relapse; as if it were the only part that he was or could ever be. Located within those “f” moments had been the opportunity to seek the heaven so that the hell could not become the sole definer of himself; hell is the place where he is most comfortable. Some days will be won by the monster known as addiction but not every moment or part belongs to it; treat all of them equally. A childhood friend of mine, who had became a drug addict, passed away several years ago. She had a daughter who did not know her mother in any other capacity until myself, as well as others, took the time to write to her about all the parts of her mother that we had known and loved; before addiction took control. She had been a dream and a nightmare, a circle of heavell, as well as one of the kindest people I have ever known. The letter was also an opportunity for me to tell that child that I was sorry for all that she had felt and lost as well as never having experienced in her life as the daughter of an addict; the truth lies in the heart of the beholder of that pain. Her mother had been so much more than just the addict part that had become the sole definer of her; every dream matters whether here or not to someone somewhere. Unhappy people alter their state of being every day. They are also unlikely to be able to change if they hide the hell on the inside; but still express it on the outside. Addiction is a monster but you are in control of all the other parts; whether an addict or not. You’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not. If nothing else, believe in that and in the beautiful and sometimes painful knowledge of you. Its what makes you the perfect person to be your guide on the trail in hell; unless of course you are comfortable with just being in the place that you are.
Today’s picture was sent to me from Jessica. She was in India on an adventure of a lifetime. Over there, the number of coconut trees on each property is counted and then that number is marked on one of the trees. I have to assume that the more trees a property has, the more valuable the property is; each tree is as important as the next. The same can also be said about our parts; the more that they are seen, the more likely we are moving towards the valuable place of being whole. We should treat every part, both the heaven and the hell, equally. Thank you Jessica for sharing your picture with me. See you soon!
The ability to change our thoughts and behaviors, the habits of them, can be formidable when we seek to acknowledge and transform the parts of ourselves that are in need of repair. At times the hell can be a place that we hate but it’s also the one where the feelings of safety can keep us from wanting to leave it; the known seems better than the unknown. I have a friend who spent many years battling a disease that had become the focus of everything in her life. While a treatment was eventually successful in ending the control of that disease, she still spent many more years feeling as if it was merely hiding in the shadows. She had become, during that time, use to being sick; which had then made being disease-free an uncomfortable, unknown place to just be for her. The more the yesterdays pass in a moment, a coping skill, a feeling, a behavior or even the BLAH, the more the familiarity becomes a haven for us; a normalcy. When a part of us becomes the sole focus or definer of us, it can be hard not to just continue with breathing it in; regardless of whether it is heaven or hell. There can also be moments where others affect our ability to move forth into change by repeating their normal coping behaviors; whether an addict or not. Just as my friend had found herself in the unfamiliar position of being healthy, both Ryan and I had become comfortable with addiction as the focus in our lives and thus sobriety was a strange place to be; no matter how much either of us had wanted it or not. Those emotional definitions, that encompass all that has happened, make us who we are. Also located within them though are the limitations that can keep each of us from treating all of our parts equally; no one can be a whole with missing or denied parts. What has been done in the yesterdays occurred through the knowledge that we had then but in today and the tomorrows, change requires growth from lessons learned; repeating behaviors will result in the consequence of the same outcome. Ashlee, through the lives of her father, brother, boyfriend and a multitude of other friends, has known as well as felt the pain that hell can bring. Substance abuse, in others as a coping tool, has been something of a constant in her life which has resulted in that normalcy becoming a familiar place to just be; despite it being detrimental to her wellbeing. The transformation that is necessary for each of us is not easily located but we will never be able to find the heaven by avoiding the hell. Beauty, the safety, the anything and the everything, the familiar or even the BLAH are in the heart of the beholder. Where have you been in your heart? How comfortable are you with just being in the part that you are? How about the one next to it? If your scared just say your scared because we all are at some point. Please stand by because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not.
To the family of my friend who is so much more than just an addict: Today is the same as yesterday and tomorrow holds no hope that it will be any different; so much time has passed into the safety of coping through the use of substances. At some point, lessons must be learned otherwise the outcome will continue to hold the identical results. Hell will never be that far away by having heavenly expectations while appearing to be illusions of perfection. Your loved one must want to deal with all that has been no matter how painful that may be for him or her as well as you; all those little boxes of feelings. If all the parts are not treated equally, he or she can never be whole; nor can any of you. The green truth is that your loved one is the only one who must change the behaviors. If you look, you will find you in the mirror. Your loved one has been living life in the manner that appears to provide the only acceptable place to be; so has everyone else by facilitating the normalcy of it. We lead angels to where they fall. We also help to keep them there. Even though what has been done cannot be undone, today is the chance to choose to do this differently. I am scared for all of you. A tree can bring down a forest just as a whole forest can lift up a tree. Every dream matters but your dream doesn’t know that he or she is important; as the holder of the anything and the everything as well as the BLAH. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. Life has a no return policy because tomorrow is waiting; but only if you breathe in brave while holding the hands of courage as well as that of fear. If I were you, I would do this differently before time no longer allows the opportunity. It doesn’t really matter what I say but it does matter what you do with the knowledge of you. Are you ready to see you? Pick your own weeds while hoping your addict will follow your lead. Where have you been in your heart?
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