The easiest way to connect with someone or something is to have been through, believe in or felt similar things. Through the bond of being perceived of, each of us then becomes a part of the groups that speak the loudest on the outside of us; as a reflection of what needs to be dealt with on the inside. Hurt or pain, also expressed through fear and anger, is the strongest incentive we have to find those people, places or things that make us feel as if we belong; even if it is detrimental to our wellbeing. During the first few years of Ryan’s addiction, I was focused on the prevention of his using substances; a green truth. Over the years, that need of mine eventually evolved into the understanding that there was more going on than what was easily seen on the outside; the drug abuse. What does addiction express for you; whether an addict or not? What if in a moment like this your substance of choice was no longer attainable; anywhere at any time? Would you now be healed or would you just change to a different substance? What would the mirror show you? Addiction has often been viewed as a failing of an individual; or even only some individuals. That perspective over the years has lead to the justification of judgement of the whole person; even though it is has never been that simple. Happy people do not alter their state of being, through addiction or the BLAH, but unhappy people do every single day; sometimes in secret and at other times publicly. The real truth is that what is on the inside of us will be expressed on the outside of us; for every single one of us. Addicts are just like non-addicts because substance abuse is another form of conveyance of all that has been; and that part can never equal the whole story. Addiction is a circle of heavell; just as we are. What came first: the pain or the substance abuse? Please hold on because addiction does not need to be the end of the trail; even if you are scared, there is always a way to step forward in heavell.
In these days since Ryan has passed, I have found myself trying to figure out who I am now; just as an addict has to discover who he or she is without a substance. I will always be the mother of a son who was my friend; as well as my teacher. I will also always be the parent of an addict even though he now exists in the yesterdays; because every dream matters whether here or not. One of the things that I have noticed about myself is that I do not want to feel this pain; to go through all that has been while also realizing that there will be no new moments with him. Through this trauma, I have found another understanding of Ryan’s desperate need of substances in order to avoid his pain; I really am just like him even if I avoid my feelings through other means. I am also scared to leave my yesterdays and I know, during his addiction, that he was afraid to leave his as well; comfortable with the known rather than the yet to be seen and felt. Moving forward on the trail in heavell means learning how to cope well through the hell. It does not, however, mean leaving behind any person, place, thing or the BLAH that has been a part of us; because they will always just be in the formation of how we came to be. Just like love, pain never actually ends but is transformed into something else that can be used in the tomorrows; either to lift us up or to destroy us. What came first: not coping well in life or not coping well through the use of substances? Hell will always stay close if we fail to see, feel, accept and change the impact of the moments; the time that it takes belongs solely to the individual. Envision your life without whatever or whomever is important to you; even if it is substances. How do you feel? What would you do in order to have or to not lose what you need or want? Can you imagine how I feel about the loss of Ryan? It really doesn’t matter what subject we are talking about, a person, a place, a thing or the BLAH, because the value of any one those is found only in the heart of the beholder; but some level of understanding can still be found by all of us. I find memories of Ryan, and the triggers of them, in almost every moment of the day. Like an addict, I am at risk for returning to being my former self; as an illusion of perfection that did not cope well. If I feed the hell, by not acknowledging and dealing with my pain, I will fail to move forward on the trail; languishing in my suffering. Within me, though, are other parts that can eventually lift up that which feels destroyed; as they can for each of us. This indeed “fucking sucks” but beauty, along with a different kind of hope, is waiting in the shadows for me; I just need to take hold of the hands of courage and fear and step forward. I am, however, going to have to lay in this place until I can eventually get up; today is not the day and tomorrow doesn’t feel like it will be the right one either. Only I can go through this because I am the one feeling it; as the weight of the world in my heart. What if in a moment like this, you found a different perception of addiction by breathing in more than what you think you know; whether an addict or not?
To All: I have a simple line that I like to say. “This is why I need to drink and this is why I don’t drink” It is a refernce to how difficult life can be but especially those “f” moments; driving even sometime warriors to want to drink in order to cope. It is also a statement that nothing will change, go away or get better by altering one’s state of being; hell knows where you live. Ask yourself why you cope the way you do. Now ask yourself why you shouldn’t cope that way. What came first: the green truth or the real truth? It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you; because you are the heavell keeper of your life.
Our experiences create the energy of who we are that will always just stay with us; even if some of them now live and breathe in the shadows. Moving forward on the trail in heavell implies leaving behind those people, places, things or the BLAH that have been a part of our lives; but that is a green truth. It is possible to be all right and not fine at the same time in any given moment. Ashlee pointed out to me that I will eventually be okay in my life but that I will never be okay with Ryan being gone; the heaven and the hell of a part and or the whole. If that is the real truth for me in Ryan’s death, then it is also the reality for anyone else who carries in his or her heart the weight of the world from a moment or the BLAH; whether an addict or not. When it comes to the anything and the everything, there will always be some that we wish to keep forever and ones that we never want to feel again; both, however, will always remain as a part of the formation of us. What has been done cannot be undone and as such they are an important piece of the yesterdays. They will also move forward with us into today and then appear in the tomorrows; to help guide us on the circle of heavell. It is possible for you to perceive of me even if you have never been to the place that I am now at; the value of such lies solely in the heart of the beholder. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? There really are no expressions that can be said by anyone that will ever make this hell okay for me; just as I nor anyone else can make yours all right either. Those emotional definitions, not just words, live on the inside of each of us; from every moment of happiness, suffering and in between. They are what makes each of us the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of ourselves; but never to deny any one of them if we expect to be whole. I am not a sometime warrior because life has only been heaven or the appearance of it; nor have you. The real truth is that we have it all through our life long moments that are meant to stay with us as we walk our trails in heavell. What if in a moment like this you chose to do this differently by embracing your hell; feeling destroyed in one part while still being able to be all right in the other ones?
During the three weeks that Ryan was in the hospital there was another young man who was also in the ICU on a ventilator; he is still on that floor fighting every day for his life. I had overheard his mom in the ICU waiting room; speaking about getting him into a rehab for his addiction to alcohol. She has joined the group of parents of addicts; whether she wanted to or not. We found comfort over those weeks in the exchanging of the progresses as well as the setbacks of our sons; encouraging hope when one of us felt scared. I understood her distress as I had been in that place years ago when Ryan had overdosed at 18 years of age. She was able to perceive of me as a mother who was holding the hands of fear and courage; while breathing in brave. In that unimaginable hell, two people who would have never crossed paths became friends. One of the first things she spoke of the day that we met was about the judgement she had received; as a part of this new hell in her life. I could completely relate to that because it has been something I have had to deal with for years. Even when Ryan had arrived at the hospital in Tucson this time, judgement was expressed through the eroneous conclusions of some of the medical professionals; words that were filled with their feelings rather than the real truth. When we feed the hell, we fail to think clearly and problem solve appropriately; thus encouraging the continuation of cycles that are detrimental to all. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Are you a part of the solution, the heaven, or are you a part of ensuring that hell will always stay close? Life long moments will always contain the weeds but they also hold the flowers; and as such we must treat them equally in order to be whole. What if in a moment like this, you chose to do this differently by asking how you can help or by just listening; rather than telling someone what they have done wrong? What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside of all of us; as a reflection of what needs to be seen as well as dealt with. I’m not it because I believe in your heaven but know that I am also well aware of your hell; because every single one of us is a circle of heavell. So what? It only matters if you use the knowledge of you to destroy yourself and or others; rather than to learn and lift up. A part can never equal a whole so breathe in brave while looking in the mirror; you have always been so much more. Share with me how you feel about the anything and the everything so that I may know you; but also so that you may remember all of you. Hold on because while the trail may appear to end, there is always another way to step forward; bringing along all that has been to use in what will be in the tomorrows. Just as every dream matters, whether here or not, so does every moment.
To Sharon: Life long moments brought us together in a hospital that is very far from your home. I have watched you over the weeks transform your fear, through the grace of understanding, into knowing what both of you need; despite his inability, at times, to speak. Your courage is inspiring and your hope has taken life inside of your son as well. Your power lies in that determination to help him help himself. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you every day. Thank you for your support; especially in my darkest moments in hell.
To Josh: We have never met but I know you through your mom. She has been with you every moment; except for the once a week that she leaves to take a shower and wash clothes. Whatever has happened in your life is in the yesterdays and while it will always be with you, it is not all that you are. You have shown that you are a sometime warrior; just like your mom. Breathe in brave fallen angel as you move forward in your life long moment.
This is a place that I have never been to before and while it can be said that the yesterdays have lead me here, it is still not a moment that I had perceived of happening so soon on my trail in heavell. Our ability to cope well through that which all but destroys us relies upon our experiences to help us when we are on the ground; or even walking in circles. I have been the mother of an addict for years; comfortable in that hell while seeking the heaven. What I have never been, though, is the mother of a dream that is no longer here; until now. Last week, after a three week battle for his life that had been filled with rally ups as well as declines, Ryan left this world with Ashlee and myself by his side. A few weeks prior, he had told me that “our experiences create energy and our emotions are the pathways to that energy”. I have found myself feeling okay in the knowledge that he is no longer suffering while also feeling destroyed by the realization that I will never again see my dream nor hear his voice; the heaven and the hell of this trauma. Life contains moments, especially the “f” ones, that will always live on the inside of us because what has been done cannot be undone; but in time they can change form through our emotions. It matters not whether you can understand the loss of my son, you shouldn’t ever be here, but that you realize that the devastation of any given moment in an individual’s experiences can and does carry the weight of the world; as seen and felt in the heart of the beholder. That which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; because it is a declaration of an energy, a part or a moment that is in need of being seen. My sometime warrior status had been readily available to me during those three weeks but now I am only holding the hand of fear; while the hand of courage remains hidden in the shadows. The hope, that had been present with each passing day, no longer exists because he doesn’t. I am walking in circles because I have never been here before; it takes time to feel the anything and the everything. The tomorrow will eventually come when I will have spent enough time becoming comfortable with this new hell and I am scared of that too; if you’re scared just say you are. The yesterdays are where Ryan lives and I do not want to leave there. The energy that he created in my life was filled with heaven and hell experiences; they are what I am breathing in now. I am who I am in part because of him and for that I will always be grateful; for each and every heavell moment. Every dream matters whether here or not; because as he has said, “Love never ends but it does change into a new energy”. In this moment I will do this differently; with the help of Ashlee, Taylor and even Ryan. I am the heavell keeper of my life.
(Ryan: June 1998-May 2019)
To the doctors and nurses in the ICU: Thank you for all your efforts to save Ryan. I was realistic in my expectations but all of you kept hope alive until the end.
To Brittany: You have chosen a career that is meant to save lives and you are amazing at it. Ashlee and I will forever remember your kindness to Ryan; as well as to each of us. As I said “There is no other nurse that we nor Ryan would have wanted to be there when he left this world.” You are an amazing person. Thank you is what we said to you as we left but it is simply not enough to express our appreciation for all that you are and for what you did. The world is a better place because of people like you.
My dearest Ryan: You went out sober but those yesterdays were never going to let you go. We will always laugh when remembering you saying “I don’t want any fentanyl. I just want a glass of water.” One of the last things you said to Ashlee and I was that “this fucking sucks!” We promised you that we would be okay without you but I want you to know that for us “this fucking sucks!” We will forever miss your circle of heavell being with our circles of heavell. See you fallen angel. Love, Mom, Ashlee and Taylor.
It is not our ability to love or to have fun but our ability to face adversity together and separately that determines our successes or failures; whether an addict or not. Over this past year or so, Ryan has had a lot of health problems that have required hospitalization. Those moments from the yesterdays where he lived and breathed drugs have seemed so far away for us but in reality have not been for his body. Hell is always close by because life is never just heaven; unless of course you are an illusion of perfection. The week before Mother’s Day weekend, Ryan went to the mountains on his annual fishing trip; with a favorite uncle of his. On the very first day that he was there, a Monday, he felt his breathing was difficult but reassured me he was fine; he had this. By Thursday it was apparent that he was not okay so his uncle planned on returning home early on Friday morning. Ryan, however, was unresponsive in the morning and paramedics were called. He was placed on life support and airlifted to a hospital in Tucson in a very critical state.
In an all to common behavior of those who deal medically with addicts or even former addicts, judgements came rolling in; as well as the belief that I am in denial as his mother. The reality is that when Ryan had over-dosed at 18 years of age, he had defied the odds by surviving; however he did so with serious damage to his lungs. I had the choice of feeding the hell by reacting to the words and behaviors of those medical professionals or I could feed the heaven by calmly explaining Ryan’s history. We often fail to see and act to the best of our abilities when we feed the hell. I, however, do understand the intense passion that’s felt as it pertains to addiction and the devastation it brings; having spent many years in that place myself. Ryan has been diagnosed with ARDS: which is a wet lung disease that’s being complicated by the moments from the yesterdays. At this point he is still critical, remains on life support but is currently making progress; it’s day 12.
I ask of you, whether an addict or not, that in a moment like this, you choose to do this in a manner that is different then you have ever done before. Please stop feeding the hell on the inside of yourself as well as the outside of yourself. You cannot live to the best of your abilities, nor face the adversities of life, if you do not treat the heaven as well as the hell equally; a part can never equal a whole. Hell will never be that far away because it’s the friend of heaven. Through them both we become fallen angels as well as rise to become the sometime warriors; we have always been circles of heavell. Every dream matters, whether here or not, because without them, we wouldn’t be who we are today, yesterday and even in the tomorrows. I’ve been here before many years ago and just like then, hope is still a part of every moment; even if I am holding the hand of fear while trying to breathe in brave. See you soon. Love Heavell.
When a part becomes the definer of us, a chain is created that binds us to it. Over time, we can develop the simultaneous feelings of not wanting it and yet not knowing how to just be without it; as the loudest voice on the inside. Taylor has told me that while she hates her disease, over the years, it has become a familiar hell; the limitations that it has brought have become comfortable. With the possibility of a cure being found, she has begun to consider how her life may evolve; without those physical restrictions. What if in this moment you contemplated what you would do, how you would just be, if addiction were to end tomorrow; whether an addict or not? Hope keeps us moving while the fear of the unknown helps us to remain living today as we did yesterday; even if we don’t want that. We, ourselves, feed the hell when we fail to recognize the abilities of our heaven; especially when the “f” moments, the traumas or the BLAHs occur. What has been done will always just be because it cannot be undone but you do not have to just be in that place; unless of course you are comfortable there. An addict once told me that he had relapsed and subsequently had made a fool of himself in the process. I said, “So what?” He replied, “But I made a fool of myself!” I heard the recognition of the hell in his voice as he breathed it into his heart; reinforcing his thought process that its all that he is or ever will be. Our perceptions of ourselves, as well as those of others, are actually what chains us in that place of pain. Each of us has the opportunity to find the beauty that can be located in the shadows; by not being defined by a part, some parts, “f” moments or the BLAH. How at ease are you with just being in the place that you are; on the inside as well as the outside? What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Whether you have an illness, an addiction or the BLAH, you have the ability to use your heaven to lift up your hell; being strong even when you are weak. You are and have always been the heavell keeper of your life. Therefore it is you and you alone who must move forth on your trail in life’s journey; even if everyone else is walking in circles on theirs.
The longer we stay in the place of hurt, the hell, the more difficult it can become to find hope; even though it is always there. What do you see when you look in the mirror? How did it come to just be there? What is the real truth of your life? Has it become all that you are; even though that was never meant to just be? In the yesterdays, I have had moments of foolishness and the possibility exists that I will again in the tomorrows; not unlike an addict. There is also the probability, nay a guarantee, that life will present challenges in those future days that will immobilize me as well; returning to walking in circles. So what? None of that is a complete representation of who I am; no matter if you meet me when I am standing or completely lost on a circle. What those moments are meant to be is the opportunity to learn to see our hell and then accept it as having been just a part of us; whether an addict or not. It is not the place to continue to just be in but the point before eventually moving forward once again; in whatever time that takes. It’s also where the sometime warrior is created; even if there are only glimpses of that part of you. Come along fallen angels because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. Today is the chance to breathe in brave even if you are feeling scared or are comfortable with the hell; we all are at some point. Find the grace through the understanding of why you are feeling that hell on the inside and then expressing it on the outside; to the detriment of yourself as well as others. Be a victim, be a monster, be both, just be there or realize that while you may feel disadvantaged in some parts, you have depth in other ones. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept and change every part of you; but never to deny otherwise you will remain fractured. It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you; chaining and unchaining yourself. Life’s journey is not an illusion of perfection but a full circle of heavell that leaves us on the ground and raises the sometime warriors; while at times we act like fools or are immobile.
The beauty of my son’s addiction, that incredible trail in hell, has been the discovery of, the meeting of and the learning from so many amazing people. It is often easy to miss out on or even to dismiss the vast array of interpretations that are available to us through the words of others; especially when hell overwhelms us. One such group that I am learning about and from is known as BrokenHourGlass. They feature artists Brian Powers and Tyler Jenkins. Tyler has written a song, untitled as of yet, that contains a line that resonates with me. It is: “Take a walk in my shoes, tell me what you see as me” I love those words because they bring the contemplation of what is being felt and seen from the inside of someone else; which is actually so much more than what we on the outside believe we see. How do you feel about that line? If I were you, what would I see on the inside and from the inside of you; rather than what you share, or appear to be, on the outside? There have been many times over the years that I have wished that people who were not going through what I was, would have taken the time to step into my shoes rather than judge me; I am sure Ryan has felt the same way even about me. Our perceptions belong to us, having been created by the all that has been, but there are times when we need to be understood and moments when we need to understand as well. All feelings matter as they carry the weight of the world in the heart of each beholder. So while Tyler and I come from two different worlds, we both have the desire to be perceived of in a manner other than what we have been; that connection. How would things change, if you were able to see people, places, things and even the BLAH from a different view? What if in a moment like this you decided to stop feeding the hell by discovering what its like to walk the life’s journey of someone other than yourself? Got Heavell? I hope so because there is so much more to you, me and everyone else; whether an addict or not.
Thank you Tyler and Brian @brokenhourglass_records for allowing me to quote your line. The words of others, as well as their sometime warrior status, can help us to find and or give a voice to the little boxes of feelings that we are not comfortable with. Thank you for helping me to locate one of mine.
Recent Comments