Do people make consequences or do consequences make people? That question is something that Ryan had asked me to think about a couple of weeks before he became ill. He wrote that thought on a piece of paper and left it on a tray for me to look at when I had a moment. I found it a week after he died; along with several other slips of paper with questions or statements that he had written. In life we are taught that consequences result from the choices that we make; but that belief would be a green truth. There are often moments where people make choices that result in outcomes for someone other than themselves; whether an addict or not. Addiction itself is not a choice but rather the repercussion of substance utilization; regardless of the how or the why that use was created. No one aspires to have it or to hold it but it happens everyday; because no one knows if he or she will become dependent until the day that it becomes the reality. One of the things that Ryan had said about his drug use is that he had wanted to prove to his dad, a recovering addict, that substances could be stopped; if one chose to do so. His heart had been in the right place in his desire to save his dad but as he discovered for himself, addiction has never ever been that simple. Ryan’s actions ended up effecting many people just as many people had impacted him; throughout his life with their own choices. Was the end results proof that he had made the ramifications in his life or that they had made him? The real truth is that the answer contains both as well as so much more; because a part can never equal a whole. When hell comes through people, places, things, traumas, “f” moments or the BLAH, it can effect every part on the inside of us; feeding the hell within. Ryan had been completely justified in his use of substances in order to avoid the pain that he had felt from the moments of the all that had been in the yesterdays; even though it had been detrimental to his wellbeing. The understanding of both sides of that part, the heaven and the hell, took years for us to find. What is hidden in the shadows, in the those little boxes of feelings, can be hard to see and hear; whether an addict or not. What if in a moment like this you were to love, hate, accept or change every part of you; because you are the perfect person to do so? What if you were to see that as you are, you are justified in how you feel and have coped; but that you will continue to walk in circles as long as you feed the hell? Whether we are talking about addiction, people, places, things or the BLAH, we have to take it one part at a time. If we hope to transfer hurt, also known as anger and fear, into understanding then we cannot continue to repeat what brought us here in the first place. A tree can bring down a forest just as a part can bring down a whole; because on the circle of heavell, every single piece and dream matters.
A couple of days ago I was in the drive through at a MacDonald’s when I saw a young man at the intersection who was repeatedly crossing the street, talking to himself and waving his arms around. As I waited for my order to be completed, I overheard a man who was standing near my vehicle as he spoke with a 911 operator; he was describing the behavior of the erratic young man. Imagine, if you will, what your perspective of that young man would be. Would you believe that he is on the streets as the end result of his choices; such as using substances? Would you feel sorrow that yet another dream is in hell? Or believe he is a victim of the consequences created through the behaviors of others? As it was, that young man was behaving in that manner because of the confusion within his state of mental health; his to have and to hold even though he never aspired to do so. Literally he was walking in circles because he had no idea what to do or how to step forward; not unlike an addict or even a non-addict. The manager of that MacDonald’s insisted that because he had been aggressive in trying to take food, that he was in fact an addict; assuring me that he had a lot of knowledge on the subject. That manager’s perception was created from the moments in his life but unfortunately when we only see one part of the anything and the everything, we tend to feed the hell; being a part of the problem rather than the solution. Simply this young man in his slippers, who had mannerisms that are known to evoke anxiety and judgement in others, was in need of food and a drink on a very hot day. The real truth is that fear, anxiety, hurt, the BLAH and judgement have the ability to take a moment and propel it towards the possibility of serious trauma; that can have far reaching effects whether realized or not. That young man was unaware that he was impacting others and they were unconscious of their influence on his state of being as well. I purchased a meal for him and explained that his behaviors were causing concern in others. I will never forget the look on his face as he apologized to me and to the MacDonald’s employee standing next to me; who had insisted on following me outside in order to ensure my safety. I will also not forget the look on that employee’s face as she realized that the young man was not what he had appeared to be. What is in your words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? Do you feed the hell on the inside or on the outside? What would you want people to know about you; that judgement has prevented others from recognizing? I want you to know that I am and will always be the mother of a heroin addict, a sometime warrior, an “f” moment maker as well as so much more; but you cannot see any of that on the outside of me. Ryan was a contemplator of world issues, incredibly forgiving, a survivor of all that had been in the yesterdays and a sometime warrior; forever lost to those who never took the time to get to know all of him. If people are going to survive what has become theirs to have and to hold, then we literally need to take this one part at a time; because addiction or the BLAH has never ever been the result of nor will it be fixed by just one part.
Mental health issues have become a serious crisis in the world; effecting elementary children at an alarming rate. Those challenges include anxiety and depression; not just the ones that we normally associate with mental suffering. Pain, whether from the inside, the outside or both, is a part of substance abuse and as such must be dealt with. Another part of Ryan’s sobriety was found in doing everything he could in order to deal with the all that had been in the yesterdays; working with several amazing counselors. What if you were to ask yourself if you are happy? Do you even know what your emotional definition of that word is; not what others or a dictionary define it as? Addiction is a hell like no other but it also has the ability to become a superpower that allows you to love, hate, accept or change all of you; rather than deny or hide or be judged for some of your parts. Please hold on because you can find beauty no matter where you are; as long as you take it one part at a time. As you are, you are the perfect person to be the heavell keeper of your life.
Thank you Ryan for the lessons; especially the ones brought through your addiction. This still “fucking sucks” but we are learning to laugh at the stories of your antics as often as we cry over the ending of a sometime warrior; because you are the reason we had to learn to take it one part at a time.
We often can be found waiting for others to change into what we want, need or believe they should be; whether an addict or not. It can be a lonely and painful place to just be in because, no matter what we hope for, the act of becoming different can only occur when others choose to do so; by looking into the mirror and discovering their heavell for themselves. Both Ryan and I have been in that place many times over the years while standing on opposite sides as a parent and a child and as an addict and a non-addict; or even as people who have seen and felt different things. Imagine, if you will, that you and your family are standing in a circle. Your view from your position determines your perspective of the anything and the everything of the all that has been. That frame of reference of yours, while important, is only one part of the whole; that also includes different and or similar opinions from the other parts. The weight of and the perspective of those moments are then determined by the emotional definitions that are found in the heart of each beholder; who are standing on that circle. If a person is expressing, on the outside what is on the inside, through substance abuse or the BLAH, that individual’s perception is a key piece of how the hell came to be; for that part on the circle. Throughout the yesterdays I had assumed, or perhaps even expected, that Ryan, Ashlee and Taylor would accept my view as the one that spoke the real truth; it was for me but not necessarily for any of them. They had not aspired to have or to hold addiction in their life just as they had not dreamed of seeing and feeling life through my perceptions; nor the opinions of anyone other than themselves. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What if in a moment like this you were to say “I am sorry” to yourself for not believing that your feelings are an important part of the whole; both the one on the inside of yourself as well as the one on the outside? What if you were to acknowledge the value of the emotional definitions of others; for giving you the opportunity to see another view of yourself and them? It’s up to you if you will keep waiting right where you are or if you will breathe in brave and step forward on the trail in your heavell; even if you are scared or the only one who does it.
I realized some time ago that I knew the dictionary definition of the word change but that I didn’t actually know what it meant to me; how it felt on the inside. I had adapted to many moments over the years, sometimes well and at other times not, but I couldn’t really say that I had ever worked at changing me; believing that it wasn’t necessary for me to do so. In the yesterdays, Ryan and I continued to repeat the same behaviors day after day, achieving the same outcome every time, despite the hope that each day would be different. I had wanted Ryan to do the anything and the everything that he could in order to be okay. I wasn’t able to perceive, however, what that would mean for him; especially on the inside. It simply isn’t enough to expect someone to just stop doing something; when the reasons why they have been are hidden in the shadows. What I did know was that, in order to understand the necessary transformation, I should not ask him to do something that I wasn’t willing to do myself; the all that I could so that I would be okay. That was the beginning of the discovery of how to save a part with the help of other parts; on the inside as well as the outside. It also brought the real truth that while I do convey heaven, I also bring hell; whether I have meant to do so or not. Ryan and I really were very much alike; and as such I had the ability to lead him to choose to change through my evolving. It has been, and still is, a long, arduous trail that has included triumphs as well as falls; it is a place to step forward or to walk in circles. I have had to learn to listen to what Ryan, and his sisters, have felt through the all that has been in the yesterdays. I have had to hear their truth, as it carried the weight of the world for them, without breathing it into my heart. I have also had to learn to speak about what I need and what I can or cannot do; simply without the complications of justification. My behaviors are within my control and I am the only one who can take responsibility for them; as it is for each of us. We feed the hell when we hold others accountable for our choices even though there is an understanding of the influence that others can and do bring; lifting up and or destroying us. While I cannot undo what has been done, I can choose to do this differently today and into the tomorrows; being aware of the heavell that is within my control. The “f” moments, hell, trauma, pain or even the BLAH are not things that anyone ever dreams of having or holding but they happen every day; sometimes in secret and at other times very publicly. So what? They are parts of us but they can never be the whole of us; unless we allow a part or some parts to be all that is seen and felt. Addiction started as a terrible and lonely place to just be but it has evolved into a super power; allowing me, as well as my children, to be circles of heavell rather than illusions of perfection. Who or what are you waiting for? Why not be the change that you believe others need to be? Please stand by because you have the gift to choose what you continue to repeat or what you transform; one part at a time.
What is your emotional definition of the phrase “I am sorry”? What do they express of you and to you? They are three of the hardest words to say to ourselves as well as to others; because within them is a vulnerability that none us really want to feel or a position to be seen in. They are most often associated with an admission of guilt; whether an addict or not. Rather than being an indication of wrong doing though, those words are the acknowledgement that someone is or was hurt; as felt in the heart of the beholder through his or her emotional definitions. That phrase contains some of the most powerful words in the world; able to fed the hell and or the heaven. There are times when we do things that are not intended to harm others but the results is that they do bring pain; they are not personal even if they feel like they are. There can also be moments in which things are done intentionally as a conscious choice to harm; but the truth lies in what is “normal” for the person who does it. Pain, also known as anger, fear and hurt, feeds the feeling that addiction, as well as the anything and the everything that is involved with it, is personal. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside as an indication of what is in need of being seen; and also dealt with. When I look back on the years of Ryan’s addiction, I mistook his behaviors as being personal; conscious of how they affected me rather than what he was conveying through them. He, in turn, took my actions as being a statement that people, places, things or myself meant more than he did. I had felt that he was choosing drugs over me; because betrayal is another part of feeling hurt on the inside from the moments that happen on the outside of ourselves. At times we do not intend for there to be harm while at other times we actually choose to create suffering. If the results are that someone was or is hurt, especially if that was not the objective, it should be easy enough to say I am sorry; but it has never been that simple. It is possible to acknowledge the feelings of others even if we cannot undo what has been done; or will be done. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? How about your actions and reactions? Is your intent to harm or are you unaware that you are capable of lifting up and or destroying; yourself as well as others? I am sorry that you are here in this place; whether an addict or not. We, however, cannot transfer anger into understanding unless we find the value of those three powerful words on the inside as well as the outside of ourselves; and the anything and the everything that is a part of them.
In the past year of Ryan’s life, but especially in the last few months, he had used the words “I am sorry” frequently with me. He had shared many of the moments that had destroyed him in the prior years but the yesterdays of this past year contained solely his regrets for his behaviors and words; for having lost his way on the trail in heavell. When we are able to give a voice to the pain, it is easier to find the understanding of the full circle of heavell that we each are; although hearing the suffering, even with the use of the apples known judgement and denial, is never easy. Those three powerful words have the capacity to help each of us find the beauty no matter where we are; but especially when we are in hell. Another part of Ryan’s sobriety occurred through the vulnerability of seeing how he had affected himself as well as others; the real truth found in the mirror. In order for him to do that, I had to listen to his perspective of all that had been for him; while not breathing his words into my heart. He had always been so much more than just an addict; regardless of the strength of those moments of substance abuse. The power of the pain, or the hell, is fed when people feel unheard and devalued: on the inside as well as the outside. Both Ryan and I, as well as many others, failed to treat the heaven and the hell in him equally; leading to the rise of the hell. He had believed that he was in that place long before he turned to substance abuse to silence his little boxes of feelings. The perception of the moments had been determined by Ryan and as such carried the weight of the world for him; regardless of the opinions of others and or their value of them. In order to solve a problem, a trauma, the pain, the BLAH or even addiction, the heaven and the hell are both a necessity on the circle of heavell; because they exist together. By finding his voice, those moments no longer had the strength to destroy him; finding within him the mercy for all that had been. He realized that, whether those moments had been personal or not, they had been a reflection of what was on the inside of others; and not an expression of what he deserved. Addiction brings a hell that no one aspires to have or to hold but within it are the super powers that belong to sometime warriors who stand and fall; whether an addict or not. As you are, you are the perfect person to be and bring heavell; even if you appear to be or believe that you are solely one or just the other. What if in a moment like this, you chose to breathe in brave and say “I am sorry” to yourself; for being in the place that you are? For failing to treat the heaven and the hell equally on the inside of you; as well as on the outside? I’m not it because if I were, my feelings would be all that you need in order to love, hate, accept or change every part of you; but then you wouldn’t be you. I am sorry but a part or some parts can never equal a whole; except in the green truth. It matters not, though, what I say but what you do with the knowledge of you; whether you are an addict or not. Hold on to all of you because you are better together than you have been or could ever be as a part; or even just some parts.
To Molly: Thank you for taking Ryan with you and your friend on your trek up Mount La Plata in Colorado; as well as the photo of you holding his picture at the top of that mountain. He loved hiking so it is amazing that you honored your brother by conquering your first 14,000 summit. Wherever you go, he will go, as you carry him with you into the tomorrows. Thank you for sharing a special moment in your life with him; as well as us.
The hell, whether the results of ourselves, others, a combination of both or the BLAH, belongs to each of us; just as the same can be said about the heaven. No one aspires to be it, have it or to keep holding it but it lives and breathes on the inside; as well as the outside of us. Our sense of worth knows our hell parts well; perhaps at times even better than the heaven ones. In the beginning years of Ryan’s addiction, I was determined to “hand” him, or remind him of, the value of himself; also known as the heaven. If we are lost, walking in circles, then surely we can be found by looking towards the moments, the people, places, things and the BLAH that are good; but that is a green truth. The perceptions of the anything and the everything moments lie in the heart of each beholder; at times carrying the weight of the world for some. The truth of all that has been, regardless of being real or green, is determined by the emotional definitions of each person; no matter what anyone else thinks, sees or feels. So rather than actually helping Ryan find within himself the heaven parts to help lift up his hell ones, I was attempting to get him to accept my recognition of him; as the only truth that mattered. My perception of him, however, came from being his mother rather than from actually being him: and as such did not carry an equivalent or better value despite my belief that it did. Ryan’s assessment of himself, his real truth, had been created by all of us on his circle of heavell. It was then interpreted on the inside and expressed on the outside of him; to the detriment of himself. We often look outside of ourselves for the group or even the substance that connects to what is the loudest on the inside of us; which is most often a hell or negative part. As the heavell keepers of our lives, it is up to each of us to determine what we do with the energy of all the moments and the feelings that result from them; lifting up or destroying along the trail. The mirror is not a place that anyone wants to see their reflection but it is the place where the power of understanding ourselves as well as others can be found; the real truth. The apples known as denial and justification do not remove that truth but they can and do push it farther into the shadows; feeding the hell while stifling the heaven. All that has been in the yesterdays, as well as today, and what will be in the tomorrows, is ours to have and to hold; whether or not they are the things that we had hoped for or wanted. It is easy for only some of our parts to be seen, felt and or believed; however it has never been that simple as it pertains to the circles of heavell that we are. What if in a moment like this you were to do this differently by listening to the hell in or about you or someone else; no matter how painful it is for you and or that person? What if you looked back and saw that addiction is a super power that can and does create sometime warriors; whether you are an addict or not? We are all well aware of the hell of substance abuse but the beauty of it, or the heaven, lives in our ability to love, hate, accept or change every part that needs to be; as shown to us by that hell. Are you ready to see as well as be seen?
It took several years for me to realize that the power of hell, also known as pain, fear, anger, “f” moments and the BLAH, is fed by not acknowledging all that has been; whether in myself or in others. By failing to discern that, I, as well as Ryan, Ashlee and Taylor, continued to walk in our circles while expecting a different outcome; despite having the same behaviors. Taylor, who is a graduate student, recently worked with a family who, like all families, has hell within its parts. At one point, one of the parents asked her what he or she needed to do next; with the expectation that Taylor would just say what the steps were. True to her though, she advised that parent to turn to his or her child and ask what that person needed; as the heavell keeper of all that has been in his or her heart. Can you imagine the surprised look on the face of that parent? Unfortunately that child was not in the place at that time to express his or needs to the parent; as fear can create doubt even when someone does or tries to do the right thing. It was, however, the beginning of being aware of the value of learning to speak and or to listen to those within our circles; whether a parent or a child. One of the hardest lessons, but certainly the most beautiful one, that I had to grasp was asking the person before me what he or she was in need of; as well as learning to do that for myself. Who better to speak than the one who has a part on the inside that needs to be dealt with? It is possible to help someone find their value, even their will to do this differently, by listening as they express their pain and or needs; because neither life nor anyone has ever been just heaven. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Do you feed the hell by breathing them into your heart; making it impossible to speak, to listen and to learn? Before Ryan died but during the ups and the downs of his illness, there was a day when Ashlee was so overwhelmed with emotions that she unleashed a verbal hell upon me. My initial thought was “Are you kidding me? In case you haven’t noticed, I am going through this as well.” Hell will never ask if we are ready, if we want it or even if we can handle it; because it is the teacher of lessons and the creator of strength. Her words, filled with the powerlessness that she was feeling, were expressed through anger; as the loudest part on the inside, the pain, that needed to be heard. Her sometime warrior status had flown into the shadows that day while the scared little girl in her, once again, rode the rollercoaster of emotions; found only in hell. Ryan and his addiction, as well as Ashlee and Taylor, challenged me to do this in a manner that I had never done before; for them and for myself. One more part of his sobriety, the adaptation in us, came in the form of not placing anyone’s thoughts, feelings, pain, “f”moments or the BLAH over, under, or near anyone else’s. The win or the victory has been in diminishing the power of hell by letting each of those things be important as they pertain to the individual; changing what we are able to and accepting what we cannot alter. What has been done cannot be undone but it need not be repeated in the tomorrows; by any of us. This does not mean, however, that in every moment since that discovery, that I nor they have done this perfectly; but we continue to work at it. Acknowledging the differing emotional definitions between myself and my children has allowed each of us to be sometime warriors, fallen angels, “f” moment makers, alright, scared, speakers and listeners but most importantly the heavell keepers of our own lives; being strong or not, individually and together but never as illusions of perfection. What if a part of the cure of addiction lies in the value of the real truth from every person or part on your circle? In using that knowledge to discover the beauty found no matter where you are; regardless of being an addict or not? As you have been and as you will be, the art of living in heavell has always been yours to have and to hold; whether you want to or not.
I was recently asked to talk about Ryan’s win against addiction; to explain the moments, the steps and the BLAH. My reaction was to ask how I could talk about his achievement, or the heaven, when I am enduring such a loss, or the hell? After all what does it matter if addiction no longer lived through him when the end results of those yesterdays was a shortened life; because what had been done could not be undone? My friend, advisor and IT person, Kenny, reminded me that I have to treat the heaven and the hell equally; as they are both found on the inside as well as the outside of us. The moments when my own words are placed in front of me are reminders of how easy it is to step off the trail, to walk in circles, when we are suffering in hell; no matter who we are or what has happened. It is always easier to know what should be done and felt when the moments belong to someone else; but living in it can leave a person feeling alone while being in a room full of people. Beauty can be found no matter where we are but seeking it can be challenging and painful. The hardest part has been to remember that especially since I have not been in that place in my heart; nor have I wanted to be. I never imagined that I would rather have him here in the throngs of addiction than gone forever; not knowing if I should laugh or cry or both at the thought of that. Sometimes we are so determined to find the cure, that we fail to realize that there can be a new hell waiting in the shadows for us; arriving whether we want it to or not and most often when we least expect it. The yesterdays, as well as the love and the pain, will always be with us as a part of how we came to be; it is within us whether that energy is used to lift us up or to destroy us. Through everything lost and won in Ryan’s addiction, a sometime warrior was created who stood and fell many times over his significant life; grateful in the end for the lessons learned. Every dream matters whether here or not because through them, we all have the ability to seek and find the knowledge necessary to not continue to repeat the yesterdays while hoping that tomorrow will be different; whether an addict or not.
Addiction is the conflict and sobriety is the win but that understanding is a green truth in its simplicity. The real truth is that located within those two things are many levels of the struggles and the victories that are a part of the circle of heavell; that substance abuse is. Because of all that has been, when there are “f” moments and or the BLAH, it is easy for those little boxes of feelings to rush from the shadows; in order to be felt once again in the heart of the beholder. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside as a reflection of what is still in need of being dealt with; whether an addict or not. It requires little effort for that fear to take over, as courage flees into the darkness, when hell makes an appearance; whether we have been here before or not. Every time Ryan found his moments of sobriety, he had to live through my relapses of fear; the ones that carried the weight of the world for me and then shared with him. Even when someone is doing the right thing, fear can make us doubt the real truth of it. Our words and feelings have the ability to lift up and or to destroy others with our actions and reactions; the apple known as justification feeds the hell. So what if today is an “f” one? It does not mean that tomorrow or even the next one has to be one as well but the prevention of it requires treating the heaven and the hell equally in all of us; regardless of being an addict or not. One single part of Ryan’s success was found in our understanding that both he and I were definitely going to have relapses, falls, in our behaviors on the trail in hell; even when it was detrimental to our own or the other’s wellbeing. When he was not able to be strong, I was and when I couldn’t be, he was the one who stood. There were also moments when neither of us could be the heaven; but we relied upon the hope of tomorrow to help us find our way. We were also both sometime warriors although few ever realized or acknowledged that about him; it is easier to see it in me but it has never been that simple. What came first: the hell of substances or the hell of you? What if in a moment like this, you chose to do this differently by doing one part, on the trail of addiction, in a manner that you have never done before? What if you realized that just because there is hell on the inside as well as the outside, it does not mean that heaven does not live and breathe there as well? The real truth can never be altered by the apple known as denial. Every moment in life contains the anything and the everything that we as the heavell keepers of our lives can choose to see, feel and learn from; or not. What do you see when you look in the mirror? Is that the real truth or the green truth? Pick your own weeds and smell your own flowers because everything lost and won is yours to have and to hold as the pieces that have helped to create who you are; whether you want them or not. If today is an “f” one, then go to that place in your heart where heaven lives and breathe in those moments as well; using those parts to help lift up the hell ones. I’m not it because you have always been the perfect person to be and bring heavell.
Ryan would have turned 31 years old this week. Several of us honored him by hitting the streets in a few states where we handed out gift cards for a particular fast food restaurant or had a meal together. In the darkness of his being gone, light was found in the continuation of Ryan’s generosity towards others who were in need; bringing another win to him and for us despite the loss. Ryan existed in so many moments as a circle of heavell who affected our circles of heavell; only some of which involved his addiction. We will take him with us when we eventually stand and then step forward. The beauty of this new hell is that he taught us, and is still teaching us, to be grateful for the lessons; even the painful ones. We will need that knowledge to face whatever will be in the tomorrows. It’s been a wonderful life filled with love, “f” moments, pain, fear, courage and the BLAH; the appearance of solely heaven lives only in those who are illusions of perfection. He led us to where we fell; as well as lifted us up. Thank you for holding the mirror my love; the real truth hurt but helped to create the sometime warriors that we have become. We never gave up on you just as you never gave up on us. This still “fucking sucks” but we are going to be alright; just not in your being gone. Happy Birthday. See you. Love Mom, Ashlee and Taylor
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