What are you aware of when you speak or do things? Are you able to feel your words and actions in your heart; especially those that are or have been detrimental your wellbeing? What is your understanding of why you have acted and reacted in those ways? Is the sight of what is before you keeping you from understanding the whole; what you are and are not in control of? We can be all right even with parts or moments that aren’t because the power lies in what we do with the hell; believing, continuing or changing it. The beauty, that can be found no matter where you are, is your ability to consent to lifting up what needs to be; eventually in your matter of time. If you seek to be seen and heard on the outside of yourself, this is you disappearing into the shadows on the inside; whether an addict or not. Say what needs to be said for you but understand that perceptions can be different depending upon the position and the view. The trail belongs solely to you to see beyond what you just know; especially of your pain. Can you consent to loving, hating, accepting and changing all of you on the inside; the place where you are the perfect person to do so? As the beholder of your hell, whether brought by you and or others, you are the most powerful person to decide what you will do with any of it; falling, stepping, or walking in circles. So what if there have been moments that all but destroyed you? All of it matters but the hope is that if you have been breathing in that hell, you will also perceive that you are the beholder of the equally important heaven as well. What has been done cannot be undone no matter what we want, need or even hope for. What will you do with your moments and feelings today? Your superpower is to take all that has been and just be you; believing in the whole of you rather than just some parts or some moments. As a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person, you have always been the beholder of a life that is so very heavell.
We don’t have to be an addict to look for relief outside of ourselves. We don’t have to be an addict to feel unheard nor to be unseen. We also don’t have to be an addict in order to create harm within ourselves and or for others. Whether we fall into hell or are there with or without our consent, we are not what happens to us but we are what comes from it. If all we view is what has been in the yesterdays, believing and repeating it, then hell will always be close by; waiting for the perfect moment for us to fall again or to become an epidemic. This is you continuing to feel pain because no matter where you are, it will all feel the same; through that same view. Our ability to deal with the controversary on the inside of us determines how we cope with what is on the outside; especially whether or not we seek to justify or to alleviate our pain there. I have been, and at times can still be, loud with my little boxes of feelings; consenting to feeding the hell. It would seem as if I am being strong but the real truth is that I am at my weakest in those moments. Those feelings overwhelm my ability to view anything beyond what is in front of me. They keep me in the same place on the inside; despite the different people, places. things or moments around me. We don’t have to be an addict in order to walk in circles while expecting a different outcome. I believe that you matter, every dream does, but in order for change to occur, you have to get quiet; and listen to all of you. As the beholder of the all that has been for you, this is the moment that you look in the mirror and say “I am sorry”. I am me and you are you. We are the sometime warriors in this so very heavell life that fall so that we may see more than just what is before us. We may be the perfect people to bring hell but we are also each the solution to changing it.
Heavell would like to acknowledge the Tucson Police Department and the University of AZ for their partnership in letting addicts know that they matter. Change on the inside is difficult enough to deal with, whether an addict or not, but it is especially complicated when what is on the outside is also a part of the problem. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as others? Thank you for viewing beyond what has been in front of you; for seeking the place to step next.
Is there anything that you could say to yourself that would lift the weight of the world for you? Will you believe you; as the beholder of your personal emotional definitions? Or has it always been easier to have and to hold only some words; especially the hell ones? This is you and there has always been something about you as an essential part of the circle of heavell. We each have our matter of time to be defined by those moments or parts that are within us. What has been done cannot be undone but it need not remain as the strongest piece by finding the understanding for it; and then not repeating it into the tomorrows. If we look outside of ourselves for relief we are failing to love, hate, accept or change every part of ourselves; despite being the perfect people to do so. When the heaven is in the anything or the everything, we don’t see or feel the need to go through; as we breath in those heavenly expectations. Hell, however, will always be close by so that we may perceive of more than what is right in front of us; as the creator of sometime warriors and superpowers. This is you finding the understanding of and for you through a life that is so very heavell; whether an addict or not. What if in this moment, you gave yourself permission to feel your words as an expression of the place that you are at; especially if you are in hell? If you are in pain, also known as hurt, fear and anger, what words will you say to yourself to be aware of the whole of you? Or will you only listen when they come from the outside of yourself; words that are expressed by others? There is something about you that only you can give a voice to but more importantly that you, yourself, need to listen to. As the heavell keeper of your life you hold the key, the consent, to doing this better today than you did yesterday. You are the perfect person to bring hell but there has always been something about you that is so heaven. Go through here and there as a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person walking in circles, falling and stepping along your trail. You should be here because no one else is who you are.
One of the most heavell words in our vocabulary is the word consent; giving or denying permission to do something. It’s easy enough to think of several different moments in which that word would need to be used; ranging from heaven to hell. Anton, this year’s Hug Train Master, brought that word to my attention after I met him at the Amtrak Station; in Tucson last week. They have rules of consent when giving free hugs to others while traveling along their trail in the United States. I even, in part, consented to them representing Ryan; giving permission for them to honor him. How often do you give consent, knowingly or unknowingly, on the inside; as well as the outside? If you react in anger or with substance abuse, this is you giving consent to the hell becoming the strongest part. If you look to the outside of yourself for relief, this is you consenting to the fracturing of yourself. Even in those moments that I have found myself needing or wanting to be in my little boxes of feelings, I was consenting to not treating the heaven and the hell equally. Regardless of where you are or the people, places and things, you will always take the all of you with you. Can you consent to be there for you; especially in the moments that you fall? It’s all right that you have forgotten who you are; hell can do that to even the strongest of sometime warriors. The hope is that you will take the hand of fear and that of courage and breathe in brave. It matters not, though, what words mean to me but what you do with how yours feel in your heart; as the beholder of all that has been for you. What if in this perfect moment you chose to no longer consent to feeding the hell? Please hold on because there’s something about you that the circle of heavell has always needed and wanted.
Thank you Arie and Anton @hugtrainusa for promoting understanding, in the United States, for mental health and substance abuse awareness. Through your hugs, the weight of the world has been lifted; at the very least for a moment. Thank you also for consenting to share your time with me in Tucson and with Ashlee in New Orleans; as well as for honoring Ryan along the way.
Whether an addict or not, we breathe into our hearts the things that are not always ours to carry. By doing so, we are then preoccupied with the anything and the everything that has been; preventing ourselves from seeing the view beyond what is in front of us. We have always been so much more than what has happened but it is what we do with the hell, the pain, that holds how and when we go through. In your matter of time, discover what is in your words that you say to yourself; as well as to others. If you react in anger, this is you expressing hurt or fear; even when that pain is from the yesterdays. If you cope through people, places, things or substances, whether an addict or not, this is you looking outside of yourself for relief. If you carry what is not yours to have and to hold, this is you falling or walking in circles when you shouldn’t. If you breathe in brave when you are hurting, this is you believing that you, in the end, will be all right in the moments that are not all right. If you only view a part or moment or feeling, this is you neglecting to treat yourself and others as a whole. If you believe in illusions of perfection, this is you failing to deal with the heaven and the hell equally; in yourself and or others. What if you were to realize that all of your yesterdays, parts and especially the “f” moments are what make you the perfect person to go through on your trail today; and not anyone else? Hell will always be close by because this is you, an essential part, in a life that has always been so very heavell; despite our heavenly expectations. Here’s to you and to me, at times a mess, that are powerful in our words while lifting up and or destroying as sometime warriors along the trail. I am holding on as the mirror continues to show me “this is you”; and it’s not just about the people, places, things, moments, parts or the BLAH that I haven’t handled well.
Take a moment and think about when someone, whether known or unknown to you, acted or reacted to you in a manner that you did not expect. How did it feel? What did you breathe into your heart from that? Over the years, there have been many moments involving others that have surprised, hurt or angered me. At times I have handled them well but there have also been many that I did not; especially in the yesterdays. Those “f” moments happened most often when I was at my loudest; as a reflection of what was in need of being dealt with on the inside of me. It is always easier to deal with others, as well as ourselves, when life is all right; as opposed to bringing hell. The other day I was getting a Starbuck’s drink from one of my favorite baristas. He knows about Ryan’s death and always takes the time to ask me how I am coping; even if weeks have passed since he last saw me. I told him that I am still working through some anger that needs to be transformed into understanding; in regards to the behaviors of others during Ryan’s illness and since his death. He reminded me that I am able to see that they are conveying the place that they are at. He then said “This is you, a person who is able to do this better today than you did yesterday” Can I tell you how much I hated and loved those words? Sometimes I do just want or need to be in my little boxes of feelings. I will eventually go through here and there as only I can while finding the understanding on the inside; where I am the perfect person to do so. Despite the hell, though, there is beauty that can be found wherever I am. People known and unknown have been sharing their view and understanding; lifting the weight of the world for me. There is a reason why our sometime warriors are not always the only ones we need. This is you helping me to stand in my hell and this is me reminding you that you have always been so much more.
Knowing our values of the things that can be found on the inside and the outside of ourselves is not something that is easily seen; especially when those parts and moments hold what carries the weight of the world for us. Finding, then. the understanding, and not the excuse, of how and why we act and react in the manners that we do is equally difficult to discover. When we fall, stand and walk in circles we do so because of the anything and the everything that has come together within each of us; not as it has in someone else. What if you were to realize that the value that you, yourself, have given to every moment and part is what is holding its power over you; feeding the hell as well as illusions of perfection? In addiction, substances initially provide a cathartic relief; helping the user to feel powerful. Over time though, the real truth is that substances become stronger as the user’s voice is pushed further and further into the shadows. The same can also be said about our feelings; regardless of being an addict or not. Strong responses, especially those that involve pain, can at first supply the alleviation of the distress that we need but as those emotions continue to grow, we become weaker; as a part takes control of the whole. Can you accept that the loudest piece in you is a reflection of what is in need of understanding on the inside; but is not all that you are? In your matter of time, you are going to walk in circles with the people, places, things, “f” moments, parts and even the BLAH that you are feeling; until you are ready to see beyond the view that is in front of you. Here and there as you step, you may also fall again as well as feel those parts or substances getting louder once more; within you. In those moments, it’s all right; the beauty of you is that you can lay down in one part and stand up in the next one. That fear, also known as anger and hurt, is a powerful part of us; making us doubt our ability to go through. It is also the reason why our sometime warriors can only be found here and there; needed in hell and not in heaven. This is the perfect moment to love, hate, accept and change every part of you. I will just wait right here or even there while you feel the all of you. Take the hand of courage and that of fear and breathe in brave. Accept that you, as well as others, are not going to do this well in every moment; but tomorrow holds the hope that you will do this better than you did today.
I made the choice to leave town over the holidays as I just couldn’t be in the place that Ryan was no longer at. I knew I was going to feel sad but I also thought that a new place and new memories would make things all right. What I discovered, though, was that all those strong feelings came with me and were still expressed on the outside; as a reflection of the mess on the inside of me. Wherever we go, we will take every moment and every part with us whether we want to or not; its the how and the why we came to be. Fortunately Taylor and Ashlee were with me, as well as others, who were able to let me be as I needed to be; standing over me as I lay in my hell. One of the things that has been tearing at my heart for the past several months is that although I was with Ryan when he died, I didn’t get to say all of the things that I had wanted to; my final words to him in this life. During one of those very tearful discussions about him, Ashlee reminded me that he had always known how I felt; and that I also knew how he did. Those words, made up of my personal emotional definitions, didn’t need to be said because of that. She also said that if I had spoken them it would have caused Ryan to worry about me; and he was already suffering greatly in his “this fucking sucks” moment. Expressing the things that carry the weight of the world for us is important but the power of it can only be changed when we are ready to see the view beyond what is just before us. Otherwise that power will continue to grow in strength as it further weakens us. I hate being a mess at times, having “f” moments and the BLAH. I am fallen and I am standing. I am laughing until my stomach hurts while crying as I never ever have before in my life. I am me and as such I am the only one who can go through here and there; this is my trail. Heavenly expectations are a green truth as hell will always be close by in order to challenge you. It will never ask you if you are ready so be amazed when you fall, walk in circles and or stand; whether an addict or not. Here and there, step by step, a sometime warrior is navigating through a life that is so very heavell. You are the perfect person, as an essential part of the circle, to do this. Happy New Year. Love, Heavell.
Each of us have and hold our own stories as perceived from our positions. Our words, feelings, moments and even the BLAH belong solely to each of us; carrying the weight of the world or not in the heart of each beholder. We are effected by the people, places and things that are on the outside of us; just as we impact what is on the outside of ourselves. It is easy enough to believe we know what the reactions should be to the all that has been; especially when that perception is seen from the outside. However, the things that come into contact with our parts can and do create pain on the inside; the place for it to just be. Do you know, today, what you will do differently with your fear; whether an addict or not? Can you find an understanding for that hell; even for what is hidden in the shadows? Is it possible for you to be amazed at what it has taken to create that mess within you? Are you able to view more than what appears to be the strongest part? What if in this perfect moment you were to realize “Who I am” is while laughing, crying, being afraid and courageous as a whole? Just as we keep adding to our parts with more and more moments, we also chain all of the feelings that have been created by them. It can seem impossible to go through all that has been but there are often essential moments, from the yesterdays, that carry the weight of the world for us. They affect the anything and the everything that is similar and or different; whether we intend them to or not. We may want for others to hear us but the real truth is that we have to notice how our words feel on the inside of us; listening to and experiencing the emotions that they hold within our own hearts. The reason why each of us can only go through in our matter time is because of those personal emotional definitions; specific to our individual so very heavell lives. It matters not what part you see in the mirror, such as an addict or real life princess or student or parent or even the BLAH, but what you feel in every part of you; from the fabulous right down to the failures. As the heavell keeper of your life, the story of “Who I am” can only be told by you; as well as dealt with through you. Please hold on because you have always been so much more than just a part; no matter how big or small those “f” moments may be. I believe in your hell and I see your heaven but then that is “Who I am”. I will just be waiting right here while you get loud in the all of you.
Ryan wrote, on the center of a piece of paper, the words “Who I am”. All around that title were the words that he believed described the all of him; as felt in the heart of the beholder. The honesty of those descriptive words showed what place he had been in when he wrote them; having found an understanding for his hell and the belief in his little bit of heaven once again. It’s simple enough to be an illusion of perfection, to hide the real truth, but it is has never ever been easy to see the so very heavell individuals that we each are; nor to admit that we are the perfect people to bring hell to ourselves and or others. It’s all right that you have forgotten who you are; whether an addict or not. The view becomes complicated by the things that are on the outside but especially by what is on the inside of us; making it difficult to step. If you are aware of the pain, find the beauty by locating the understanding for how you came to be in the place that you are; and breathe in brave. What has been done cannot be undone but we do not have to continue to feed the hell. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? They are more than just the description of people, places and things. They have and hold every moment and feeling of you. They are a view into the story of “Who I am”; especially of what has been in the yesterdays. You need to hear and feel you; in order to remove the strength of what hurts. No amount of altering, hiding or denying will ever change the real truth of that; whether an addict or not. Here’s to your sometime warrior, “f” moments, pain, beauty and as the perfect person to love, hate, accept and change every part of you. Please hold on because tomorrow will be here soon and the view just might become clearer once you get loud in the “Who I am”; also known as the all of you.
Heavell will be taking a leave over the holidays for two weeks. We are going to take this time to take Ryan on some adventures that he had wanted to do; getting loud in who he was for him. We are going to laugh, cry, be afraid and have courage while continuing to learn how to step. Being without him in our lives is an unbelievable hell but having had him also holds so many moments of heaven. Today will be the same as yesterday if we focus on only a part or only have heavenly expectations in a life that is so very heavell; for each of us. No matter what has happened in the yesterdays, we have to treat all of it equally. We hope that you will find the beauty that can be located wherever you are; because its simply you regardless of what is on the outside. Laugh until your stomach hurts, cry for what has hurt and be kind as you step, walk in circles and fall along the trail. Please hold on as an essential part of the circle of heavell; a story that can only be told from your position. Every dream matters whether here or not. See you soon in the next year. Love, Heavell
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