When we tell our story through our words, and especially through our actions, we express on the outside of ourselves the place that we are at on the inside. At times the accounting of what has been can easily be seen while in other moments what we convey is a green truth; to ourselves as well as to others. We assume that those who appear to be together are just that; even though we are all most often not together in at least one part. We also believe that when “a mess” is conveyed in one piece, or some pieces, it must be what can be found throughout the whole. Illusions are the perceptions of people, places, things, substances or even the BLAH that do not include all that can be found there; nor do they acknowledge what’s not there. Are you sure that you want to continue to believe that the loudest part of you is the sole definer of you? Whatever that part may be, what’s not there is that it became that way in order to stay silent. What’s not there is the ability to have and to hold heaven without going through the hell; especially what hurts. Here’s to being all right when we are comfortably uncomfortable in whatever place we may be. Yesterday has left and tomorrow will be here soon. What’s not there is it all staying the same if you seek the understanding of you in order to change it. After all, as you are, the strength of the hell has always been found in what you feed it; for exactly your matter of time.
As much as we hate hell, it’s amazing how much time we consent to staying in that place; even though we shouldn’t. Our negative thoughts, words and actions, also known as the hell, carry far more value and remain longer in our hearts than all the positive or heaven moments do; even though they also shouldn’t. A green truth is the illusion that we cannot be or ever have beauty if we have not been perfect along our trails; on the inside and the outside. At times when the hell feels as if it is stronger than the heaven, as in addiction, it appears to be the real truth; that once “a mess” always “a mess”. What’s not there in that belief, though, is the whole story of who we are; as wholes rather than just a part or some parts. One of the most difficult views to perceive of, beyond what is just in front of us, is that falls and “f” moments are a part of the beauty in a so very heavell life; in different and similar ways. This is me and this is you, together and not together, but always so much more than just fear, pain and those hated falls. What’s not there is the ability to change what will always just be in the yesterdays. Tomorrow, however, can be different by what you do with it now. A part of that change includes saying “I’m sorry”; for having forgotten that you have always been the beholder of heaven as well. Can you turn around and get comfortably uncomfortable with the hell? After all, as you are, it’s the position where you will find the understanding and the acceptance of you; also known as the beauty that can be found wherever you are.
“The greatest beauty is found in the falls that are meant to raise us higher than we were before they occurred; in order to see beyond just what we think we see. Be grateful for even the most difficult ones for they teach us more than all the heavenly moments do; or the illusions of them.” – Ryan Fisher, April 2019
What’s not there in Ryan’s words is that the difficult lessons often hurt more than anyone can imagine or ever want them to. What is there, though, is that by holding the hand of fear and that of courage, it is possible to step no matter how far you have fallen; or how long you have been walking in circles. Unless, of course, you consent to feeding the hell by believing that your story means you can’t. What is in the words that you say? Oh hell, sometimes we all are in that place, in different and similar ways, but we don’t have to stay there. But of course what’s not there isn’t always what we imagine it to be.
The most fearful and courageous place that we will ever be is on the inside of ourselves; the beholder of all of our moments. It is also the position where we can lose ourselves if we only say and listen to the things that hurt. When we limit our view, we breathe that restriction into our hearts; feeding the hell. The same can also be said if we try to exclude the pain by denying or hiding it; or through the use of substances. When we eliminate a feeling, we push the others into the shadows; making them hard to be perceived of or even remembered. Are you sure that you don’t want to find the understanding of you in that uncomfortable place? Are you sure you don’t want to turn around and see that the beauty of fear can be found in an unfamiliar way? Oh hell, the real truth is that no matter what you perceive of, there is so much more that hasn’t been recognized that created it. It takes courage to fall because many unseen moments came together before it happened; its never been an easy thing to do to a sometime warrior. Fear, itself, has a part in our standing or stepping through the recognition that we have been in a place for far too long. What you breathe in and say to yourself, as well as the perception of it, then has the ability to lift up or to destroy you; always occurring in your matter of time. Today is here and yesterday is gone but tomorrow holds the hope that you will get comfortably uncomfortable with being a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person; or so very heavell. Oh hell, we all are; whether an addict or not.
Wherever we go, we take all of our moments with us; especially the ones that we didn’t hope for or want. So what? They only matter if we tell ourselves that the strength of those things are more powerful than we are as a whole. Oh hell, what if in this perfect moment you were to understand that you, on the inside, are who and what you are working with; not what is on the outside of you? Does that scare you to know that? You should feel that fear, knowing that there are different and similar falls ahead, while also experiencing courage for the very same reason. Have and hold each encounter, whether loved or hated, as a part of the creation of the beauty that belongs solely to you. This is a journey in a life where you can see and do this in unfamiliar ways; today or perhaps tomorrow. Even the view of yesterday, and how it has affected you, can be changed by seeing beyond what has just been in front of you. Since this is an inside existence, what can you say to remind yourself that you are both fallen and a sometime warrior? You didn’t think you could be victorious without falling in some way did you; by words and or actions? Oh hell, this is me and this is you being just alike on the outside and yet different on the inside. It’s all right to take your matter of time. To find the beauty though, you actually have to feel all of your parts and moments; to deal. If you don’t, it will just be another green truth in a life that is so very heavell. Oh hell, just choose the all of you and go through.
Our need to connect encourages us to consent to being similar; at times losing ourselves in that belonging. We have a limited view of the circle of heavell when we change, hide or deny parts of ourselves in order to be or appear to be a member of whatever. By not valuing the uniqueness of each person, we are feeding the hell with the expectation that everyone should be, feel and respond in the same manner; the fracturing of wholes. If you have fallen, in whatever manner that has occurred, can you perceive that a piece of you wants to be seen? To be understood, not as an “f” part, but rather as one that has something to say? Who you are includes beauty, falls, fear and steps but most of all the ability to change what you hate or what hurts; through the understanding of you. Turn around and see what has been done. Are you sure you want to continue to do today what you did yesterday; while expecting a different outcome? Are you sure that other people, places, things, substances or even the BLAH hold more value than you do? Are you sure you don’t want to believe that you are the perfect person to have fallen in hell and then to change that into a superpower? It’s all right to be scared while not being together and together at the same time. I will just wait right here while you see that you are the beauty and the fear, also known as the pain, that can be found every where you are.
What would you say if I told you that I can tell you how to be victorious; whether an addict or not? What if it only required one thing? That answer, then, would simply be that you just have to do what I tell you to do; even though you are different than I am. How did you feel reading that green truth? Every day we are told who, what, how and where in order to succeed; or to be a dream or to have beauty. All of that information is located on the outside of ourselves; encouraging us to consent to what someone else believes rather than ourselves. It’s not that others don’t have knowledge or a vision of the things that can lift us up, but along with that heaven is its partner hell; or the ability to destroy us as well. Being who you are has always been enough in this so very heavell life. It’s what you do with it on the inside and then the outside that matters. Listen, but don’t breathe into your heart the words and the actions of others. They can have and hold different meanings despite what appears to be similar definitions of them. A dear friend told me this week that “If you win but you lose yourself in the process, it is still a loss” after someone encouraged her daughter to become who she isn’t in order to be viewed as the best at something; to be victorious. Are you sure that you want to continue to look outside of the perfect person in order to find acceptance? To deny or change who you are in order to connect? What will you do with that knowledge now; since you already know how to lose yourself? Are you willing to continue to stay there or are you ready to just be you? Sometimes making a difference for yourself is found in simply getting comfortable with the all that you are and have been; especially the pain. If your going to do as I say then you better get ready for the next fall because it has always been a part of the journey; for all of us. Did I forgot to mention that victories always involve some form of falling; whether an addict or not? Oh hell, the view beyond what is just in front is filled with weeds; and some flowers as well. I’m going to need more tissues as I laugh until my stomach hurts and cry as I carry the weight of the world in my heart. I’m all right in the not so all right moments. Are you sure you aren’t as well? See you soon. Love Heaven and Hell.
The description of beauty is the coming together of the best parts; whether in people, places or things. Sometimes, that perception is found in just how we feel or have felt while in a particular place or moment; and the remembering of such things. We often consent to the idea that beauty is only a part of heaven; the things that feel good or we love. That limited view, though, fails to recognize that beauty is the beholder of all. The real truth is that the purpose of beauty is to help us to see beyond what is before us; not just the end results or what appears to belong only to others. The art of living in heavell is in perceiving of the beauty that can be found no matter where we are; but especially in the pain, the “f” moments or the BLAH. Even the people, places, things or substances that we hate have a combination of parts or moments that hold beauty. Can you imagine, then, what the beauty of a fall is? Turn around and have that understanding with yourself that beauty lives in walking in circles and falls; but you have to find it. It’s all right that you are together and not together because we exist on the inside and the outside in so very heavell ways. Look at you and the words that you use to define what beauty is; the pieces that you saw yesterday. Now turn around and find what that means today; especially where it has been hidden in the shadows. Before you stay too long in a place that you shouldn’t, turn around and look in the mirror. What you will find there is the perfect person to have and to hold it all. It can be a painful place but if you breathe in being together and not together, you can find the beauty of you as a circle of heavell.
The words beauty and fear hold different and similar meanings; but occur in distinct ways on the inside of each of us. Those personal emotional definitions are created through our views, perceptions and moments; not through dictionary definitions. While we assume that beauty is a word that feels good for everyone, for some it can exist on the inside as a representation of their inadequacies; the things that can never be for them. Fear, itself, invokes a variety reactions as well in response to the things that we each believe are scary. Every definition, of those two words, is the real truth; unique views from different positions on the circle of heavell. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? Can you turn around and feel the things that came together for you to define those words as you understand them? This is me and this is you in a life that is so very heavell. What holds pain for me, also known as fear, may not be what carries your hurt and anger. The places and pieces where beauty can be found for me, are not flawless. What you are aware of may involve perceived perfection or colors and shapes or the BLAH. Despite these different perceptions, we can connect by recognizing the view beyond what is just in front of us; each being essential and valuable. What do your fear about falling? What can be beautiful about descending into a part or place; especially the painful ones? There is something about you that you need to say; for you. There are also things that you need to listen to; whether an addict or not. The power of words, the hell, beauty, the heaven or even the BLAH exists on the inside. In this place of what will you do with it now, go through word by word and feel what is there. Have that understanding with yourself that by asking for tissues when you are crying, you are being a sometime warrior while also being fallen; holding the hand of courage and that of fear. Listen, you know what to say to destroy yourself. What if you told yourself the things that will help you breathe in brave? After all, as you are, you are the perfect person to just step inside to the beauty and the fear; of you. Another moment is coming and it just might be the perfect “f” one. What will you do with it now; whether together or not together in nature? I will just wait right here while you pick your weeds and smell your own flowers as the heavell keeper of your life.
Too often we underestimate the fear that we experience from the things that may be or actually have been. Being in that place puts us in the position of being uncomfortable; with who we have been, who we are and who we will be. We tend to connect being weak with feelings of fear but as it is, it holds so much more; if we are able to see the view beyond what is just in front of us. Fear holds a mix of feelings that carry pain, regret, anxiety, sadness, doubt, loneliness and even the BLAH; as felt in the heart of each beholder. What is in that word for you? What have you chained to its meaning on the inside of you? Being able to have strength, of any size, when we experience fearfulness is another part that we tend to misunderstand; even though courage exists with and because of fear. When we have courage, it does not mean that we have handled or will manage the anything and the everything without falls, tears, anxiety or walking in circles. In our matter of time, we are both scared and brave in ways that are essential and valuable. To be aware of fear is to also experience courage; acknowledging what hurts or where we don’t feel strong. Step inside to where you are and have that understanding with yourself. Feel the fear but also recognize even the smallest courageous moments or thoughts; keep them together. Turn around and look at you; at the all that you have been through. Can you now see that you have always been so much more than what was defining you? Fear can only limit what can be perceived and changed if we underestimate what it means to be brave while being scared; whether an addict or not. Listen, turn around and see the beauty of the perfect person to have and to hold both while going through here and there.
While it is not easily seen, it actually takes courage to be in the places and positions that we fear and hate; even if we are a part of how we got there. Does it scare you to find the understanding of that? Are you ready to do so by treating all of you equally? This is me but this is also you, because while we are different, we are just alike when the anything and the everything involves fear; whether an addict or not. Turn around and see what both fear and courage meant to you in the yesterdays. Now turn around again and tell me what you feel today. What have you added to your personal emotional definitions of those words; and what do you need to let go of that no longer fits? I know that in the tomorrows I will step, fall and walk in circles as a part of the creation of me; doing this well and not handling every moment as I hope to. I also understand that I will feel fear there as well. So what? All of those things will always be found along the trail in familiar, similar and uncharacteristic ways. After all, this life is not an illusion of perfection but a what will you do with it now kind of place; the creator of sometime warriors by destroying us in any given moment. Will you continue to feed the hell or will you be so much more? Yesterday has already been done and that’s all right because today and tomorrow hold the hope of a view that hasn’t been seen just yet; the possibility of acceptance and change. Turn around and be amazed at the process of you; especially at what its taken for you to fall. Then turn around and understand that courage, often unseen, has been a part of every moment; though at times with unintended results. This is an uncomfortable place to just be in; but addiction, even if it is the loudest, is only one piece of it. I’m sorry that you are here but you can’t get to the whole of you by being, believing, or pretending to only be, a part. Let’s just be so very heavell together; one step, fall and walk in a circle at a time.
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