When we express words and behaviors, especially those with loud voices, we are sharing to the outside the sound of the hurt that can be found on the inside. For those on the exterior, those moments can appear to be the all rather than the green truth that they actually are. After all, what is seen on the surface is simple enough to view while the real truth is very complicated and often hidden. If we stay in that easy place for far too long though, we are the facilitators of some of the “f” moments by not going through. We are also ensuring that the hell will always be close by as that sight is also used to define a whole as being just a part. One of the hardest things to do is to be there for others when they are not together especially if we are not as well. In this kind of life, there are moments when our sometime warriors need to stand while others fall, to be kind when they can’t find the words to lift themselves up and to listen when they are being loud. Have you ever asked someone what he or she was feeling to have said or behaved in a manner that was challenging or detrimental? Or did your feelings prevent you from doing so; whether an addict or not? This is you and this is me finding the balance through facts and opinions on the inside and the outside. We are breathing in the words and feelings that we shouldn’t while forgetting that there is so much more to each of our stories than what can be perceived of from the surface. To be certain your view is beyond what is just in front of you, have that understanding that if it seems like yesterday, it probably is and it’s time to look in the mirror; whether an addict or not. A part can never ever equal a whole even if you treat the nothing that came from nowhere as the only something that holds the words that you heard. In a life that is so very heavell, fear is often expressed as anger, pain holds beauty and words carry the hidden weight of the world.
What words come to mind when you think of your pain; whether an addict or not? How do they feel in your heart where they actually facilitate your walking in circles? What do you believe it will take to change what can be found there? The connection that we seek from the outside can often help us but it also can continue to feed the hell when we are unable to just do as they say; because it has never ever been that simple. Every word holds heaven and hell but how it breathes in our hearts is affected by what has been chained to each through our individual journeys. Those perceptions are in the heart of each beholder regardless of any similarities or differences that others may know, perceive of or even the steps that they have taken. No matter what we hope for, change cannot occur without our understanding how we came to define words in the place that holds what hurts and requires boxes of tissues even when we are laughing. The problem is not in what we feel, it’s all valid, but in what we do with how we feel; lifting up or destroying on the inside and the outside. What do you experience when someone tells you to not be sad or angry or even to just stop using substances? How about when you are told to just think heavenly thoughts? Are you all right after hearing those words or do those little boxes of feelings become even louder in you as you experience another “f” moment? If you are going to do as I say, then get ready for the fall because you can’t change the power of the hell until you know why you are feeding it. Turn around because it is all right to be scared, brave, fallen and angry while having superpowers you don’t know how to use just yet. Oh hell, the question is what do you want to do now with what is in the words that you say? Whatever that is, just don’t stay in or with people, places and things that encourage you to forget your whole story through their words; especially those tricky substances. You are a sometime warrior because this kind of life believes that you are the perfect person to take your nothing that came from nowhere and leave it better than you found it. I’m just going to wait right here in case you start getting loud while being certain about the facts and the opinions of your words and how they feel. After all, being there for yourself and for others is both painful and beautiful in a life that is so very heavell.
Although the weight of the world holds different meanings in each of our stories, understanding what pain feels like in our hearts is the connection that brings us together. How that hurt is expressed, though, is where we separate into our perspective groups. After all, pain is often felt and shared in manners that destroy rather than lift up; each of us have our way of doing so. While those detrimental ways have never been in the best interest of anyone, our judgement of what appears to be “f” moments in the coping of suffering only further feeds the very hell we seek to stop. In what way do you choose to express what your heart holds; whether an addict or not? How loud do you get when doing so? Is it really the way you should continue to go? As we are, we tend to see the effect of the hell in relation to ourselves rather than the cause of how it all came to be to begin with. The view of that outcome then prevents us from seeing anything other than what is just in front of us; a part rather than the whole. However in order to be certain of what is there, we must be able to listen to what is not easily seen nor said. For our matter of time we will cope in ways that we shouldn’t as we discover how to give voice to what our hearts carry; and until the power of the hell is changed. To be certain that it is possible, take the nothing that came from nowhere and turn it into something beautiful; also known as the understanding of the connection that pain holds for all of us. This is you and this is me in this so very heavell life where the sound of what hurts will always be loud until we turn around and find the cause. Oh hell, there’s going to be a lot of falling, stepping and walking in circles as we face new adversities with fear and courage; and some anger as well. I’m just going to wait right here for the facts and the opinions to be certain of how many boxes of tissues are going to be needed in order to go through. Unless, of course, you think we should go that way instead? To be certain though, we need help from our sometime warriors, the place that needs us most and others. The beauty that can be found in this world is never ever located in just one person, place, thing or view for it holds each of us and all that we are as the bringers of hell and the beholders of heaven. As individuals who are together and not together, we have to decide which one we will facilitate on the inside and the outside in any given moment.
It’s been a year since I have had the thought to reach out to one of my favorite artist, vocalist, and inspirational writer whose view of this life helps me to see what I am not always aware of. Tyler Jenkins, also known as MellowVibe, shared a new video of his music and words with me this week. Previously, I used his words “Take a walk in my shoes, tell me what you see as me” in a blog from a year ago. His words can be altered in this perfect moment to include “Tell me what you feel as me” as we work to understand the pain and the hell; whether an addict or not. Thank you @TylerJenkins for stepping as I was walking in circles. You are a reminder to never stop listening, seeing and feeling; even when it hurts.
From Tyler to all of us: Every day some new destruction. Every month some new discussion. Turn on the tv all I see is riots, looting, fighting, shooting, buildings burning. Kids are seein what we are doin. What are they learning?
I’m all for the cause. But I’m not about the effect. We need to come together. Get this pain off of all of our chests. We all want the same thing. For life to go back to the norm. But that can’t happen if we stay feeding the storm.
Their lives it wasn’t just a tragic loss. It was a wake up call to us all. How many more gotta fall? Tired of this I’m through with it all. But I can’t make you stop. I just hope you practice what you preach. Maybe one day we can all just live in peace.
Those words are what Tyler feels about the adversity found today but the real truth is that they are also a view into the understanding of the cause and effect of addiction; or any given hell for that matter. What is in the words that you say? To be certain, here’s to the hope that they hold the balance of the all that you are and will be; rather than what appears to be the nothing that came from nowhere.
Our opinions are filled with not only what we view from our positions but how we feel about all of it as well. Facts, on the other hand, are supposed to be the things that are unable to be disputed; the reality without the influence of emotions. The problem with our field of vision versus what is said to be certain is that the separation of the two has never ever been that simple. As we are, our personal emotional definitions and the place that we are at on the inside will always impact what we see as the real truth; what we focus on and or connect with. How can we find understanding when we don’t feel or see the same things: despite the presence of facts? Think back to a moment when you expressed how you perceived of a situation while someone else viewed something else; each holding the value of what’s there or not there. Were you surprised by what the other person stated as being fact? Did you then want to say, as loud as possible, what you knew to be certain? Our reaction to the things that we feel have been misunderstood, devalued or not seen is to seek out those who hear and agree with us; or to find the things that will help push those feelings into the shadows. How we handle that adversity will be, at times, in ways that are detrimental to ourselves and others; especially when through, but not limited to, judgement, anger and substance abuse. Before you continue to go that way, are you sure that you want to? The fact and the opinion is that this is me and this is you in this kind of place; one where its simple and so very complicated. The nothing that has appeared to have come from nowhere has always been somewhere; in the places and parts that will always get loud in order to be heard. After all, what has been done in the yesterdays is still effecting us today and will continue to do so into the tomorrows; until we change the power of the hell. Its simple enough to say words or to state what appears to be certain but it has never ever been easy to know whether the perception is a green truth or a real truth; because of the all that we are. I am going to wait right here while you find the balance between what you are certain that you have and hold and what others say you do; otherwise known as facts and opinions.
The action of enabling is often perceived of as a part of the facilitation of the hell despite the fact that it can also be the act of lifting up someone who has fallen or just needs help. Our ability to view the certainty of that word is effected not only by our emotions but also our coping skills. As the mother of a former heroin addict I can truthfully say that I did enable Ryan in his addiction; for my matter of time. What’s not there though was my perception that rather than helping I was actually assisting in his falls. When we are on the outside of the adversity, its simple enough to have opinions or even facts but when you are living it with someone you love, its complicated. When we find ourselves in a place that is painful and where we feel fear, it is understandable that we would react in a manner that is familiar and comfortable; even if detrimental to ourselves and others. The same can also be said about addicts as substances are a part of their intimate and secure coping behavior; even when detrimental to themselves and others. Judgement, anger, denial or even being loud will not change the power of it but instead will continue to feed the hell; becoming an epidemic on the inside and the outside of everyone involved. What is there, though, is the ability to discover how to breathe while experiencing the weight of the world on your heart and to be courageous while also feeling that fear; whether an addict or not. We fall every day in our behaviors, moments, words, and feelings because of the all that we have been and will continue to be. The opinion and the fact is that every word has a hell side and a heaven side but what you have chained to each with your emotional definitions determines which one you will facilitate; for your matter of time. Change comes when we become uncomfortable enough with what has become familiar. It also occurs when we begin to just listen to ourselves and to others but especially to the things that hurt; accepting the certainties and the views that are found there. It took several years for me to stop repeating what I had already done in the yesterdays and on occasion I still fall back into that pattern when faced with a new controversary; just like an addict. The more, though, that I was able to hear and say without breathing the words of others into my heart, the more Ryan relaxed and was able to do the same. Those moments of heaven enabling allowed us to work together and separately in overcoming the hell that had a hold of him; even with several more falls occurring. This is you and this is me as the bringers of hell and the beholders of heaven. In a life that is so very complicated, its simple enough for all of us to become lost on the trail; walking in circles for our matter of time. Turn around and look in the mirror to see the nothing that came from nowhere that is something beautiful; also simply known as the parts that make you who you are. Then choose to be kind to the place that needs you to as you go through finding the heaven and the hell in every word that you say and feel. You can be all right even in the moments that are not all right. Just give yourself permission to be a sometime warrior who falls but who also has the superpower to change the hell into heaven; in any given moment, behavior, feeling and word.
In this so very heavell life, some of our feelings start and stop while others remain perpetually in motion. Because of that, it can be difficult to breathe and to remember the all that we are; whether an addict or not. Despite the desire to instill hope and motivation in us, words or phrases that focus on just feeling or being positive can actually have the opposite effect in our hearts. Those words feed the hell when we are unable to do as they say; creating a sense of yet another failure. Then, in order to hide the real truth, we will only let others see our green truth; even though that can be detrimental. After all, as we are, our minds are not able to talk our hearts out of carrying the weight of the world. Have you ever felt that way; whether an addict or not? Your words are used to narrate your story while your feelings hold the experiences of how each moment has felt in your heart. No one knows the all of you better than you do. What you do now with that understanding is a part of you finding this way or that way in order to help yourself go through. If you are scared, then just say you are as loud as you possibly can; we all are at some point even if we don’t appear to be. If you need help to do this, that is a strength; you consenting to showing up for you. But as you go through, understanding and being kind to the place that needs it most, also accept that it is all right to not be all right. The art of living in heavell is found in treating the hell and the heaven moments and parts equally; as each holds value in the creation of you. At times your life will be inspiring and at other times it will hurt while also having moments that are just BLAH; starting, stopping and perpetually moving. This is you and this is me in this kind of life; together and also not together. While you may go this way and I might just go that way, we are both able to take the nothing that came from nowhere and turn it into something beautiful; also known as sometime warriors that fall down.
Positive words, phrases and stories have and hold the power of inspiration for those that are in the place to hear those things. When someone has fallen, we will often use them to help lift that person up; to give hope. What’s not there, though, is our ability to change the hell for an individual by pointing out what we understand, from the outside, to be the heaven for that person. In the first few of years Ryan’s addiction, I spent a lot of time talking about, or rather reminding him of, all the amazing things that he was and had done; hoping to inspire him to return to that perceived of state. He was, after all, the kindest, smartest, defender of the underdog, most athletic, most handsome, the giver of bear hugs, funniest, most intuitive, give you the shirt off his back kind of dream who became a nightmare as a fallen angel who lied and stole a lot in order to feed his heroin habit. I really struggled with the contrast between what I viewed from the outside versus what Ryan had been experiencing on the inside. How did it feel when someone else decided what a moment felt like for you? Have you done that to others as well? Pain that is unheard becomes timeless regardless of positive words; able to wreak havoc in this moment and the next and the next one too. By trying to hand Ryan his will to fight, I prevented him from really speaking about the things that had gone wrong as well as what held pain; his real truth. Things changed for the better, even with falls, when he was able to narrate his story; while we both listened. We are all joined through the use of words but we do not view nor feel them in the same manner on the inside; even the inspirational ones. In this so very heavell life, you will be misunderstood and you will misunderstand as well; accept that. What’s not there is your ability to get someone to see or feel exactly as you do. What is there, though, in your superpowers is the capacity to find the understanding for each other. Beauty, fear, hope, pain and the BLAH are in the heart of the beholder. Turn around and step into the place that needs you. Then turn around again and listen to how others feel. Use their words to help you understand more about how you feel as well as how they do; the view beyond what is just in front of you. Do this because of and for you; whether an addict or not. After all, what is thought to be the nothing that came from nowhere has always been living somewhere. This is me, this was Ryan and this is you living this kind of life. If you are going to do what I say then just go that way because you already know how to lose yourself the other way. But whatever you choose to do, here’s to the “f” moments that make each of us who we are; also known as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. Oh hell, maybe we should just turn around and go that way instead.
When we think of things that come from nowhere, we visualize actions, words or the BLAH that suddenly appear without warning. What we don’t realize is that those things happen most often on the inside of ourselves; blindsiding us when they do. Our hearts grasp our feelings while our minds hold the words that we use to narrate our stories. They are separate parts within the whole that are together while not together. Because of that, what resonates with one does not necessarily translate for the other. Think back to a moment in your life when you felt very strongly about something that happened to you; whether an addict or not. Was it your mind that hurt or was it your heart that felt the pain? Were you able, at the time, to go through and say exactly how you felt? Did you then stop feeling that way once you expressed yourself? Or are you still carrying it in your heart because it is timeless? As you are, your mind is able to understand the who, what, how and why of moments. Your heart, however, does not use words to voice the emotions that it holds; declaring itself through pain, anger, sadness, anxiety, doubt or even the BLAH. So what? Turn around and understand that your mind can’t talk your heart out of feeling the weight of the world. What is there, though, is your ability to be all right while not being all right in some parts and or moments. This is you and this is also me finding our way in this kind of life; a so very heavell one. We are not illusions of perfection but instead are the bringers of hell and the beholders of heaven; in any given moment. What appears to come from nowhere can always be found living in our hearts; from the all that has been for us. Believe in your yesterdays but know that those things were never ever meant to go through into the tomorrows as the repeating of what has already been. Got Heavell? Of course you do. Why else would you be a sometime warrior with super powers who also falls? I’m just going to wait right here while you grasp your tissues as you go to that place that’s called nowhere; also known as your heart.
A year ago at this time, we were in an unexpected and unbelievable hell with Ryan being hospitalized. We went from his being on a long awaited fishing trip with a favorite uncle to being airlifted back to Tucson. He had fallen ill which resulted in his being unable to breathe on his own without the help of a ventilator; a consequence of his former substance abuse. Each day during that three week journey was an emotional rollercoaster; a battleground on the outside and the inside for all of us. It has seemed like yesterday over this past year through the moments that have appeared out of nowhere; even when I am laughing until my stomach hurts. After all, it is not my mind that is in distress but rather my heart that sometimes feels like it can’t breathe from the weight of how every moment has felt. Whether an addict or not, you have also had those moments in which your heart has continued to hurt despite what you or others said. As individuals who are experiencing this kind of life in different ways, we are connected by the understanding of what that means; regardless of the who, what, how or why for each of us. What you have breathed into your heart cannot be perceived of from the outside unless of course you express it in ways that it can be heard; at times those patterns will be detrimental to you and or others. Even when you do say what needs to be said, it often can and will be misunderstood by what others view; accept that. When you speak, it is to share your perspective but most of all it is because of and for you; so that you will listen to you. What you seek outside of yourself will never ever bring the relief for what is on the inside. While this life may exist in people, places and things, it is actually interpreted and lived through our feelings and personal emotional definitions; having been filled with our moments. Because of that, it is then within our reach to provide comfort and understanding to the place that needs it most; our hearts. What has been done cannot be undone nor will it ease in it’s loudness until you get comfortably uncomfortable with just being you. Oh hell, it’s going to be that kind of day. One in which you, as the heavell keeper of your life, hold the key to what hurts, makes you laugh and cry, find understanding for and the kindness that your heart needs. After all, you have always been the perfect person to take the nothing that came from nowhere and turn it into something beautiful; otherwise known as you. Here’s to having “f” moments and the all that they bring for us to hold. Love, Heavell.
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