That limited view, both on the inside as well as from the outside, has a way of easily feeding the hell. Again and again it will bring forth all the things that have been felt, said and believed. Specifically it uses our “f” moments, not the fabulous ones, to encourage us to think and feel that falls translate into being a failure as a whole. Believing that value, despite the flaws that it holds, makes it simple to lose our way. Are you aware that weeds create flowers in order to extend themselves even into the places that we don’t want them to be? Do you realize that the hell does the exact same thing on the inside of you? Not only is it able to get loud in there but it also pushes things into the shadows so that you will accept a different truth; just like those tricky substances and words. Whether you are looking at a picture, saying or hearing words that hurt or just thinking them, find a different truth other than the ones that have been connecting with you. Because even if a door has been closed, what’s not there is your ability to keep that feeling hidden. This is you and this is me and words get in the way of understanding ourselves as well as each other. Sometimes its better but at other times it’s worse when we accept values from those whose details are not the same as ours. What if in this perfect moment you were to describe what people, places and things mean to you with the words that your mind knows? Then turn around and do the same thing with only the feelings that your heart holds. In-between those two places is where you will find the details of the nothing that came from nowhere that has the power to change the hell or repeat a cycle again and again. After all, if the words that you say to yourself are not balanced between your falls and fantastic moments as well as those two parts, what has been will be again and again. Here’s to the hope that you will be kind to yourself as you open your personal dictionary of words and feelings and get loud in every part of you.
There are hundreds and hundreds of feelings and words that describe the beauty of love. Do you realize that those depictions provide only a partial view? Love, despite what it invokes in us, does not just hold flowers or moments that feel heavenly. It is a tricky word that also at times includes adversity, fear and pain; the hidden details. Even when we are talking about addiction, love can be found there whether in the beginning of the use of a substance or for the person who is in that place. The power of the hell is then able to change what love means for us as it extends itself into all the places that we don’t want it to be; just as weeds can be found wherever flowers are. What different truth can you find for the word love as it pertains to you? If you have been trying to perceive of love through the details of someone else, even with similarities, it will be in conflict with what you hold in your personal emotional dictionary. What do you think about addiction as it relates to you? How does it feel in your heart when that worth is different from what others believe? When we judge the value of our details as it compares to others, we will often focus on only the “f” moments that do not include the fabulous ones. So as you encounter others along your journey in this so heavell life, their details matter only if they support you in using your details to lift yourself up to do this better. After all, sometime warriors are not created from the stories of others nor their definition of desirability but are a reflection of each individual; no one is just like another for a reason. This is you and the hope is that you will keep holding on to go through as only you can. Your words and details have the ability to change the strength of hell, again and again, for the better or for the worse as only the perfect person can do. Whatever love, fear, hell and addiction has meant to you find a different truth. One that includes the all that you have been and will be because once upon a time you were a dream and tomorrow is going to be the kind of day where you can be it again and again. Unless of course you go that way or that way in which case I will just wait right here for you to turn around.
While our minds hold our words that explain what we surmise of people, places, things and ourselves, our hearts carry the weight of the world in how all of it feels. In turn, what we are thinking and experiencing on the inside will then be expressed to the outside where it will be added to our moments as well as those of others. As in a cycle, the order of actions and reactions will continue to repeat as they work together to either feed the hell and or the heaven. That same view can also be found when we walk in circles or close doors in order to avoid what makes us uncomfortable; especially if that field of vision is of a mess. There are literally hundreds and hundreds of words and feelings that can actually narrate just the stories of addiction. After all, despite our similarities and overlapping, each person holds a different truth through his or her individual encounters of the “f” moments, beauty and adversity. What’s in-between has always been as important today as it was yesterday and it will still matter tomorrow; either for the right reasons or for the wrongs ones. The quality of the words that you say to yourself on the inside have always held more power than anything on the outside of you ever can; even more than those tricky substances. In this kind of life, the personal emotional definition of words has always been something that came from somewhere whether others agree or not. So what do you say in the place that needs you most? Turn around and find understanding for yourself through a different truth. If you have fallen then you are in the process of rising; in your matter of time. If you are stepping, what door do you need to open in order to continue to go through? If you have been judged by others, what do you need to forgive yourself for? If you see weeds, what about you holds the beauty of flowers? If you have failed to show up for yourself, what part can you now be there for? As you are, a different truth means that you hold more than one personal definition for each word, moment and feeling; a balance. It’s what you have been doing, though, with the anything and the everything that has been giving hell a different truth. I have that feeling that it’s going to be all right but we need to go that way or maybe it’s that way. Oh hell maybe we should just turn around and go in-between where the details have always mattered in every given moment; especially the ones from yesterday.
Understanding differing views within ourselves and through the perspective of others is complicated by personal values that are used to decipher the meaning of words and limit the ability to hear more than what is being said. I chose this painting for today’s blog for a particular reason. The simple answer appears to be that the picture is of a landscape but that is not actually what it is. This painting is the reflection of any number of things as felt in the heart of each beholder who views it. It could depict the trail of addiction, the repeating of what has already been, a heart, that feeling, a life that is so very heavell, personally defined words, a mess, a fall, hell, the journey of a sometime warrior, again and again or whatever. To be certain, it’s what you perceive of and then connect with that matters. If, however, you feel it expresses the things that hold pain, then find a different truth. If your field of vision is that it is the journey of a sometime warrior, find a different truth. It’s simple, no matter what you see, find a different truth. Just as this painting holds more than what is easily seen, as well as everything else in-between, so do you so find a different truth. This is you and this is me but we don’t always look like this; sometimes its better but at other times its even worse. So what? In some moments I see and feel the hell just like you; especially in the place that needs me most. However, the fact and the opinion is that within my superpowers is the ability to change what hurts into understanding; just like you. No matter what you think or feel, find a different truth that helps you see the whole rather than just a part. After all, even sometime warriors express fear through anger and believe the appearance of those tricky words and substances. But if you breathe in the balance of you, even the biggest “f” moment won’t keep you from viewing more than just what is in front of you; whether you have failed or been fabulous. What is in the quality of the words that you say? I am going to wait right here while you give voice to your hundreds and hundreds of words and feelings. It’s all right in a life that is so very heavell as long as a different truth comes from the nothing that came from nowhere in the place that needs you most. Otherwise it’s just more words whose values don’t reflect the details of who you are and how you came to be one moment at a time. In other words, it’s not what has been but rather what you have done with it on the inside that has given hell a different meaning.
It can be difficult to understand how we got here but if we turn around, there is a lot to listen to from the yesterdays. After all, it has always been easier to close doors, to say that it doesn’t matter or to hide things in the shadows rather than go through what makes us uncomfortable. However those things have the ability to repeatedly effect the building of our wholes and need to be heard. Whether an addict or not, what holds the strongest voice for you? What one word would you then use to describe that particular part? In-between what we see and what we feel is the balance of being destroyed and lifted up. It is the position where there is understanding that being lost is a part of the process of being found or just another “f” moment. It is the site that holds a fall as the beginning of a rise or a tumble into a darkness where light cannot be found. It is also the place where walking in circles always happens before steps or it is the repeating of today what has already been in the yesterdays. If you are going to breathe in the mess, then open the door so that what’s in-between can be seen rather than continue to grow in the darkness. This is you and this is me. We do not always look like this because sometimes it’s worse and at other times it is better. If it seems like yesterday, then perhaps it is if you are still trying to go through without all of your details; especially the painful ones. No matter what group(s) you belong to, a mess is still a mess and beauty is still beauty. What appears to be for certain is really just the beginning of what else can be found wherever you are. After all, that nothing that came from nowhere has always been something in the place that needs you most. Here’s to listening and to saying all that is required while understanding that the value is in the heart of each beholder. Here’s to the hope that as you go along your trail in a life that is so very heavell, you will breathe in both the flowers and the weeds as well as everything else in-between.
As the mother of a former heroin addict, thief, liar and manipulator for the hell, there is an “f” word that others have used to describe both Ryan and I; overlapping our groups. What do you imagine that term is? Has that word ever been used to describe you as well? That term happens to be a facilitator of the hell through the placing of values on stories that are complicated by those tricky details and or substances; while not seeing or hearing those things. While the intent of using that word is to judge the merit of the receiver, hidden within it are other definitions. Depending upon what moments and feelings you have chained to that term, your view will either place you in this group or that one or perhaps the one that is in-between. What we can understand, together and separately, is that each reference includes falling but what is not as easily seen is that some also hold the beauty of an unfolding rise or change. What is in the words that you say but also in the terms that you hear? If you connect with only the pain of a person, word, part, moment or messy room, then you are feeding the hell on the inside and the outside. If the real truth is that you have in part fallen, failed or are flawed, then consent to the other real truth which is that you are also in the comfortably uncomfortable state of change for your matter of time. You can continue to hide things and close doors or find more by seeing and hearing beyond what is just in front of you. This is me and I am an “f” moment maker that includes flaws as well as fabulousness. My personal emotional definition of those two terms and everything else in-between makes me who I am. This is you and at times our groups overlap because while the details of a feeling may be created and defined in many ways, it still lives in the place that needs us most; and we can all understand that. Every word, moment, part and feeling holds heaven and hell for us to find but its our view that keeps us walking in circles or fallen for longer than we should be. Turn around because what’s in-between is as important today as it was yesterday. I am just going to wait right here while you see me in you and you in me regardless of our stories. After all, it’s the kind of life where boxes of tissues are needed for laughing until our stomachs hurt, the pain that is often expressed through fear and anger as well as everything else that can be found in-between. See you soon. Love Heavell
Our moments, along with the influence of others, is how we add our personal feelings to words to make them our own. Each and every word is then a part of our connection to others or what separates us and at other times can overlap our groups. How do you feel about the word substances? Is the knowledge of others different than your own? Based upon the values that you have placed on those materials, you are joined with the others who also agree with that designation. Located in the other groups are those with the exact opposite opinion and then the ones that hold everything else in-between. What if you were trying to get someone to be a part of your group but his or her personal definition did not hold the same view? How can understanding be found if we don’t feel the same about a variety of things; especially those parts that involve hurt and fear? The answer lies in the details that we most often are unaware of or don’t even listen to. After all, we don’t have to be in the same group, nor have the same moments, in order to recognize a feeling and then know what that means to the place that needs us most. Messy rooms hold more than what can be seen on the surface. In the clutter there are things that need to be put in the right location and others that should be discarded, donated or recycled. There can be items that bring tears of laughter and or pain from the memories that they hold. Also breathing in those rooms is a sense of exasperation, being overwhelmed, no idea where to start and even an “f” word or two or three. Now change the title of the group from messy rooms to addicts and you will find all the same things on the inside. Now turn around and replace addicts with substances. Even substances have initially held fond memories before changing into a mess; they are tricky like that. This is you and this is me and we are not always like this; sometimes its worse and in other moments its better. Hurt and fear, often expressed through anger, leads us to believe that only our group(s) can perceive of us. The details are important, however, because while they separate us, they also bring us together and overlap us when we recognize that a title or a part is just a green truth; whether an addict or not. Those details provide us the understanding of the view beyond what is just in front while facilitating us to step into change. I’m going to wait right here while you recognize me in you and you in me because of the details; similar and different while together and not together. In this kind of life, the details may make words our own but a mess on the inside is still a mess regardless of where it can be found. Here’s to listening as the details find their voice rather than just shutting the door again and again.
My personal definition of substances was very limited when I was young and the word addiction meant nothing to me. My view grew slightly when my ex-husband began using on a consistent basis. When Ryan became involved with drugs I did not understand what it meant for him because of what I had personally defined as substances and the uses of them; my moments versus his. What was your perception of substances and addiction in the yesterdays? How has it changed today? Even though we were in different groups, what Ryan and I had in common in his addiction was the word lost. We stood on opposite sides while believing the greatest value lay within our personal definition. That controversary pushed the similarity into the shadows making it impossible to see and to listen to what would have created steps towards understanding each other. Imagine while lost on a trail you encounter another lost person. Initially you both cry tears of happiness because you are not alone; whether an addict or not. Then the two of you begin to discuss the details of how each of you went missing. As those little boxes of feelings find their voice, each of you get louder and louder trying to convince the other of the greater value of what has been. The two of you then part ways because of the details. Each are now alone and shedding tears of anger from the fear and the pain as well as that feeling of not being understood. What is in the words that you say but also what is in the words that you hear? Do you place values on others that come from your details rather than actually from those who hold the stories? Are you trying to get someone to join your group instead of seeing that the overlapping holds the key to understanding; regardless of the details or values? This is me an “f” moment maker who has been lost while getting loud with my pain and fear. I don’t always look like this because even as I have fallen, I have also walked in circles and stepped again and again. This was also Ryan as he held that nothing that came from nowhere in the place that needed him most. I wanted him to go that way because he had lost himself by going the other way but his view had been different than mine was. However the more he gave voice to his story without my personal definitions and values, the more he was able to go through exactly where he needed to. In his matter of time, he was the one who eventually found the beauty that existed wherever he was; changing the power of the hell that he had defined on the inside. Say what words mean to you and how they came to hold all that they do. Even if those details appear to show only the differences with others, the real truth is that we are often just alike; whether an addict or not. After all, we are the perfect people to turn around to listen to what can’t be seen. Oh hell it all matters because a part can never equal a whole no matter what anyone else says. If you are going to breathe in the mess, then also feel the details of how your flowers grow amongst the weeds. Unless of course you continue to go that way because the details are limiting your view of yourself and others. It’s all right if sometimes you are only holding the hand of fear because those details hurt. Got heavell? Of course you do even if you are lost and are trying to find your value. The fact and the opinion is that you have all that you need in the form of words, feelings and moments to find your way on the trail. It’s going to be the kind of day where sometime warriors fall and stand in a place that we personally define the hell and the heaven in any given moment. I am just going to wait right here in case you need some tissues when you locate the beauty of a messy room and a life that is so very heavell.
Words from others have the potential to help us feel better, experience adversity or confirm what we believe already exists in the place that needs us most. What appears to be simple and easy is very complicated when we are living in hell. Adding to that confusion is the part where we can’t make sense of why things have happened; whether an addict or not. Imagine that in your home everything can be found where you want it to be except for one room. That part of the whole is a mess that has been created by you and others. How do you feel about it? Does that include being lost in how to begin to implement change? What happens if it becomes messy again and again despite your best efforts to leave it better than you found it? Over time, we will eventually hide, deny and lie about the shambles of a home, a part of ourselves or even a heavell life. We do this in the hopes that others will not see our “f” moments and use their words to judge what they have decided is the definer of us. This is you and this is me and we do not always look like this; sometimes its worse and at other times it is better. That feeling of being overwhelmed and the pain that comes with it is a good thing even if it doesn’t appear to be. That feeling that you get when you have fallen is another part of the journey of change. Oh hell, if your feeling scared it’s because you know you are walking in circles and that’s what makes it hard to breathe. Have that understanding with yourself that it is all right to be together and not together. As we are, we are the perfect people to leave things better than we find them even if it requires again and again and again. We can turn around to the yesterdays to make sense of how today came to be in the place that needs us most. So grab some tissues and get ready for the fall on the roller coaster of a so very heavell life. Those weeds and the messes that you hate are the creators of sometimes warriors and beautiful flowers so you might as well consent to accepting them. The power of what hurts can be found in the place that we are trying to keep from being seen; otherwise known as that feeling. Closing the door won’t change whatever is living there. Let’s just hope that as we go through the darkness, we will see it as a way to leave ourselves better than just the appearance of things being where we want them to be. After all, the hell, whether in the mind, the heart or a room, is still hell regardless of the details.
Fear is an intense experience that connects our mind and heart together even though each has it’s way of knowing it. But while we can agree on what it is on the inside of ourselves, we often do not view fear as the same thing that others believe it is. We can even feel panicked if someone else’s fear has the ability to effect us; whether an addict or not. We will then breathe in what we shouldn’t and add to the mess of that room, part or heavell life; rather than just listening as it finds its voice and way. After all, we are actually seeking agreement on what fear is from those that have been a part of how we came to define it to begin with. How can understanding be found if the creation of that word is not the same for all of us? The real truth is that the hell has always had the ability to feed itself whether we have intended to be a part of that or not. That nothing that came from nowhere has always been somewhere because it lives as a reminder that things are not always what they should be or where we think they are. What if in this given moment you were to understand that while fear is painful, it is also showing the way to go through? What if every time you experience a feeling or think of a moment, you were to also find the opposite view? By treating the heaven and the hell of every word and emotion equally, you can find the balance between the opinions and the facts because of and for you. I am me as a strong, sometime warrior who is powerful enough to change the hell and you are you, regardless of the details, with the same abilities. Now turn around because we are also the perfect people to make a shamble of a home or a part or whatever; again and again and again. That feeling of being lost means that you are in the process of being found. What’s not there though is your ability to do this without experiencing that feeling or all the other ones as well. It’s like hoping a room is clean just because a drawer is or wanting weeds to not grow in the fertile soil of the flowers beds. If you are going to do what I say, then get ready for the fall because you can’t change without doing so; whether an addict or not. Yesterday is gone, even though we still feel it today, but tomorrow holds the hope that the view will be beyond what is just in front for all of us. I am going to wait right here while you get your tissues because that feeling is going to be exactly what you think and feel it will be. But to be certain, make sense of your own words and emotional definitions. Whatever it is, though, it’s going to be all right even if sometimes its worse rather than better. After all, every day angels fall and sometime warriors stand and all of it occurs in a life that is so very heavell. Oh hell, I just know its going to be that kind of day as we move towards change.
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