Which of these is mostly impossible for you: fear from what has already been in the yesterdays or fearless of what has yet to be in the tomorrows? Does it matter that the first is now a comfortably uncomfortable painful known where as the other is an unfamiliar place that holds the possibility of understanding and change? How about that together and not together position where being scared and courageous occurs at the same time? Or is it even possible for those with “f” moments, the dreaded flawed ones, to be courageous? What you think and feel in response to those questions is just some of the details of your story that have the ability to turn you around while you are stepping towards the future or to continue to lift you up. Is it, then, doable to love and hate something or someone at the same time or is that mostly impossible? How about as it pertains to you and what you experience on the inside of yourself? When we find a different definition, especially for what looks and feels like hell, we can locate the balance between what hurts and how it can become a superpower in our matter of time. The things that have already been will matter however if you continue to use them to view yourself and a so heavell life in the same way in the tomorrows. This is you and this is me whether an addict or not. Some, individuals and parts, as well as yourself, will love you while hating the behaviors that are not in your best interest. Some will be fearful and courageous in any given moment while others will turn around to what is familiar even when it has been painful. What is in your words that you say to yourself will lead you to believe that you are mostly impossible or mostly I’m possible. Welcome to heavell where you hold the key to what kind of day it’s going to be. Weeds will always be a part of life but rather than feeling as if they define you, pick them as you do your flowers. Just keep breathing while experiencing the all that you are even when the elements are not always all right or ideal. I am going to wait right here with those tissues just in case you feel like it’s impossible to cry and laugh at the same time or hate parts while still loving the whole. As you are, you are possible.
No matter what position we may be in, whether an addict or not, it is possible for us to find understanding for ourselves and others through our similarities and our differences. Essentially, the look of fear, grief, loss, courage, weakness, tears, superpowers, laughter, strength, sometime warriors and the BLAH can be found wherever anyone of us are. September is the month of Suicide Awareness. This Saturday, September 4th, 2020, the family of Tyler Barone is holding a candlelight memorial called “Twilight For Tyler” in honor of him and others. Please take a moment, between 6:30 and 7:30pm, on that day to light a candle for Tyler, others who are or have been lost and for yourself as we light the way from impossible to I’m possible in the ending of the stigma of mental health issues, suicide and addiction all at the same time. Together and not together we are the sometime warriors in a life that is so very heavell who have the ability to change the power of hell. If you or anyone you know is in need of support, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255 or NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is 1-800-950-6264. After all, the look of this kind of life may feel impossible at times but with help, I’m possible can be found in the next or the next or even the next moment. Every dream matters whether here or not. Love always, Heavell.
A necessity in this so very heavell life is the support that others can provide but more importantly is what we can do for ourselves even when what we feel is in conflict with that need. After all, when we only rely on what can be found on the outside of ourselves, those people, places and things, it is easier to not welcome the pain but instead to hide it so as not to appear to be flawed. As with all types of adversity though, there will always be a matter of time when others cannot provide the comfort and relief that we hope for from them. So what? When others distance themselves, what we often breathe in is the belief that it is justified because of who we are rather than it being because of who they are. If we believe it is because of us, whether an addict or not, then it becomes simple enough to step towards not being there for ourselves as well; to connect to the group that won’t. So what? Just like having a messy room, if we don’t accept and deal with all of the parts of ourselves, we will avoid spending anytime there; closing the door to what we don’t want to see or feel. The complication is that whatever we need to help ourselves can usually be found exactly where we left it in that place rather than outside of ourselves. This is you and this is me and some will lift us up in ways that we don’t always recognize or understand the value of. A different truth, then, is that some won’t as well and that holds just as much merit but also not in the way that it appears to us. In-between all that you think and feel is the complete story of you not as a part but as a whole who is made up of many pieces. Each of those will and or won’t but those parts and moments will always be wherever you are. The fact and the opinion is that the most fearful and courageous you will ever be is when you show up and fail to show up for yourself. What you do now with that knowledge is within your superpowers to either find the understanding and acceptance or continue connecting to the group that won’t either. Welcome to heavell where in any given moment pain can lift you up or destroy you, laughing requires just as many tissues as crying does and sometime warriors carry bouquets of weeds even when they are stepping.
Grief is a word that is usually associated with the loss of an individual and that particular hell but it also has always been a part of addiction although not for the reason that seems familiar. If we turn around and look for those who are grieving, we can find that pain in those who use substances, feel lost, have “f” parts and or moments or just about anything and everything in some way. I have been particularly intimate with that term on a daily basis since Ryan died last year. What I realized more recently, though, is that I had been experiencing that expression on and off for years long before he took his final breath and he had as well. Whether you are an addict or not, a different truth about grief is that it holds the parts of our stories that hurt, have fear and even anger. Grief isn’t just about losing someone as it includes other types of losses and sorrow. In-between what the mind knows and the heart feels are separate but equally important responses to the weight of the world. Together and not together they are emotional, mental, physical and spiritual reactions that occur when we are in the process of it. What has that word meant to you? Now turn around and see where in your life you were actually grieving but did not realize that. How does it feel now? Often our view is so focused on a particular thing that we fail to look beyond what is just in front. Grief, like addiction or beauty or whatever word, holds a different truth for each of us that has been created from our stories. The complication is that when we close the door on the moments that defined those terms for us, we are helping to facilitate the hell. In this kind of life, some will understand and support you and some won’t. Some will judge you and justify their treatment of you and some won’t. Some will love you no matter what and some won’t. The worth of that is in knowing that neither position changes the value of you unless, of course, you consent to it by agreeing; especially when connecting to those who won’t. This is you, as you are, as the perfect person to grieve, get angry, fall and be that beauty one moment at a time. After all, messes are a place to discover what hurts, what makes us laugh and cry as well as realize that while “f” moments appear to only be failures, they are actually essential in the creation of you; also known as a sometime warrior who holds a bouquet of weeds while walking on the flowers.
Tomorrow is the day that holds our hope that we will be viewed as we dream to be regardless of the things that have already been. It carries the possibility that understanding will allow us to breathe in brave as we leave behind the days that no longer have the ability to effect us. That is until a moment presents itself that turns us around because it seems like yesterday. No matter how many steps forward we take, things can appear that bring familiar feelings and thoughts that lead to the relatable reactions. If we have not discovered the balance between what has hurt and the beauty that lives there as well, the hell will always be close by to remind us of the things that still need to be transformed into what lifts us up; also known as superpowers. When you think of addiction, how do the words weak and courage feel in your heart in comparison to what your mind has defined them as being? Welcome to a little of the details of you through your perspective of just those two words and how they pertain to you. Now turn around to where those definitions were created in the yesterdays and see why you are relating to them in the manner that you are. Because even when a messy room has had everything rearranged, where we place our view of the before, during and the after helps to determine whether we feed what we believe is inadequate in ourselves or perceive of it as a small triumph. Rooms, moments and parts will always become chaotic again and again on this trail but it’s what you do with your knowledge of all of it that matters. Finding the value of getting comfortably uncomfortable with any mess holds the ability to be fearful and courageous at the same time. Welcome to the details that make you a dream, essential and an “f” moment maker in the way that only you can be. Oh hell, in this kind of life, the weeds tell the stories of sometime warriors while the flowers are the reminder that we are so much more.
Stepping into tomorrow will not change what has been nor what will be if we continue to place our moments in the position to destroy us. In other words, all of those failed moments have been leading us to eventually doing this better because we are aware of those things rather than continuing to repeat them because we will always just be them. How you feel cannot be altered by anyone or anything, not even those tricky substances, from the outside unless it’s somehow relatable to what you are already carrying on the inside. What if in this perfect moment, you were to acknowledge those things and then say “Welcome to just some of the details that make me who I am”? The messes, the parts and those moments are meant to be powerful in guiding each of us towards understanding what has worked and what hasn’t and then to try something else; even if that means another “f” moment. Hell can rearrange our perceptions of ourselves, for its matter of time, but so can we if we consent to doing so but then it has always been easier to reposition a room rather than ourselves. The fact and the opinion is that we spend more time trying to justify and hide things from the outside then we actually do in owning them even though we are still carrying the knowledge of all of it on the inside; where it is able to continue to feed the hell. This is me and this is you in similar and distinctly different ways. The most courageous you will ever be is when you are sitting amongst your own weeds getting comfortably uncomfortable with the nothing that came from nowhere in the place that needs you most. It can be all right but you are going to need to laugh until your stomach hurts, get loud in more than what the hell illuminates and carry lots of tissues for the moments that are sometimes far worse than we want them to be. If you are going to do what I say then get ready for the fall because it’s the only way to welcome a different truth in a life that is so very heavell. It seems like yesterday but I have the feeling that tomorrow is going to be the kind of day where addiction can become a superpower that sometime warriors will use to rearrange everything but especially the strength of hell. I am going to just wait right here in my own weeds while you step or fall into the beauty of yours.
A messy room is the place where things have found their way from where they belong into the other areas of that space. As the chaos grows, it becomes easier to just continue tossing the whatever wherever while pushing the jumbled piles into different positions so that they don’t appear to be a problem. Those objects, however, are not the only things that are accumulating while also being shifted and ignored. Our ever expanding feelings of denial, justification and being overwhelmed are also a part of the crowdedness. After all, it has always been easier for us to be aware of and understand the worth of things as they pertain to items rather than what actually lives and breathes in our minds and hearts; also known as the details of us. Now turn around and replace the term “a messy room” with the phrase “the cluttered parts of you”. The addiction, or the whatever that has been detrimental to your wellbeing, is an illumination of what is jumbled on the inside; just like the chaos that a room can hold. This is you and this is me and we don’t always want to rearrange everything in order to get comfortably uncomfortable with the “f” moments and the pain; sometimes it’s better but most often it is worse. The fact and the opinion, though, is that it only appears to be easier to limit our view of the messes through the use of substance or by being an illusion of perfection or by failing to look at all of the parts rather than just a piece. We can either find a different truth by going through all of it in our matter of time or the hell can continue to toss the whatever wherever and today will be a repeat of yesterday. I am going to wait right here while you start to rearrange everything but especially those flowers and weeds on the inside of you. The worth of those things has the ability to make it that kind of day but so do you through the understanding of your words and feelings. Above all, sometime warriors carry tissues for the moments that they fall, walk in circles and step in a life that is so very heavell. Here’s to the hope that what has hurt becomes what helps you to rise one moment at a time; also known as a superpower.
What do a messy room, cluttered parts as well as a space filled with people have in common? Despite not being easily seen, all of them can hold fear and pain while also being overwhelming. Each can also carry a piece of beauty even though that word is not found in the dictionary definitions of them. What is in the words that you say to yourself about those three expressions? What if you were to rearrange everything in order to view not just what is familiar but what you have believed to be impossible to see or to even be found within you? After all, if the hell can find a way to be illuminated while staying hidden, such as in addiction, then you can hold beauty and be jumbled with things like “f” moments as well. How are a messy room, cluttered parts and a space filled with people together while not together? The word together itself is defined as working collectively while not together is explained as being separate. All three of those terms have parts or moments that hold both definitions even when they only appear to represent a flaw or just a strength. A mess is balanced in what it brings even if we do not like it or what we believe it is an expression of. A space that is filled with people gives the appearance of unity and yet each individual is separate in how they came to be regardless of the location of the group or what it may represent. As much as we dislike the hell, we are most often focused upon it and not just because of the part that is known as addiction. The fact and the opinion is that we spend our matter of time avoiding the real truth about the chaos that can be found in parts versus wholes and that way has led to us being unaware that we are actually feeding the hell. If a messy room, cluttered parts, a space filled with people, addiction or whatever is not working for you then it is time for you to find a different truth and not one that is really just a green truth. In other words, you already know how to lose yourself so perhaps in this perfect moment you can get comfortably uncomfortable with the clutter. Here’s to rearranging everything and finding the meaning of your words in the place that needs you most. But wherever you place the whatever the hope is, as the heavell keeper of your life, that you will laugh until your stomach hurts and cry until you realize that it has always been all right to not be all right in any given moment even if a different truth told you it wasn’t.
Both the words light and darkness have and hold parts of what can be found on the inside as well as the outside of us. Depending on the place that you are at, the presence of a lack of light can either be seen as the beginning of a rise or a repeating of what has already been. Another pair of words that have a profound effect on us are silence and voice. They are defined differently and yet they can also be similar. One is the lack of sound and the other one is having noise but both imply an ability to control the hell; just like those tricky substances. In-between the dictionary descriptions of those terms, though, are the unseen details that hold so much more. Each of those expressions has a personal emotional definition that connects our mind and heart through the moments that we have chained to them. Which ones do you believe hold heaven and which ones are hell? Now turn around and find a different truth for each. After all, hell will always find a way to be illuminated and the sound of silence has the ability to be louder than all the noise in the place that needs you most. How have you been using these words in your so very heavell life? Have you been aware that you have been feeding the hell by having a limited view of them? This is you and this is me. Sometimes we have that feeling that we are in the darkness when we are actually in the light. At other times we think we are being silent when the strongest part of us is in fact vocalizing itself in ways that can’t be heard but can be viewed. To be certain of where you are at though, you will need to look in the mirror to see the worth of things in the words that you say. That nothing that came from nowhere has always been something in the heart of the beholder; also known as you. If a word can hold a different truth for you as well as for others, then it is possible for hell to hold beauty, “f” moments to be fabulous and for weeds to be more important than flowers. The worth of things has always been found on the inside where what you do with all of it determines what kind of day it will be. Here’s to the hope that if you cry, the worth of things will hold both the light and the dark of pain and laughter. If you need to do this again and again, it’s all right. Just make sure that each time you fall, your view gets bigger and not heavier on the way down and in the process of going up. I am going to wait right here while you figure out the worth of things because while we may be similar, the details make each of us a different truth.
There can be a comfortableness found in the consistency of our thoughts and feelings even in what appears to be the darkness, silence or pain. That nothing that came from nowhere that has always been something holds a certain sense of safety through the repeating of our cycles; especially in feeding the hell. The fact and the opinion is that changing any of it has never ever been simple but just like you, it holds the possibility of so much more than what can easily be seen. After all, if you look at what it has taken for you to fall, it was never just a word, a moment or a thought but the worth of a lot of things that came together on the inside. What steps can you take in getting to know the light and the absence of light in you? What if in this perfect moment you were to then turn around and find a different truth for what you have always viewed in that familiar way? The worth of things is timeless and as they add up, they have the ability to transform dreams into fallen angels, change the power of anything and illuminate the expression of personal emotional definitions. Altering the way in which you have been going requires you to consent to understanding why you have been in that place. Going into the darkness means bringing it all into the light, through your choice not hell’s, in order to change the yesterdays into what has yet to be in the tomorrows. This is me and this is you. Addiction is a hell like no other but then sometime warriors don’t live in heaven or the appearance of it. They fall, they are fearful and they are brave one moment at a time. The beauty of you can be found in expanding your view to see that the weeds are as important as the flowers; a different truth. They are the creators of the perfect people to find understanding while recognizing that we are together and not together. If you are going to have a nightmare kind of day, then turn around because you’ve already done that again and again while going in that direction. After all, silence is not always the absence of noise, light can be a scarier place than the darkness and being lost can be the best place to find your way on your trail. Oh hell, those tricky substances and words had you thinking and feeling a different truth but as you are, you hold all the details to go through if you listen to the words that you say. Here’s to being the “f” moment makers who have always had the superpower to alter the hell or the heaven in any given moment. But whatever you do on the inside of you, the worth of things and those boxes of tissues are a part of stepping, falling and walking in circles as the heavell keeper of your life; whether an addict or not.
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