When we are in the shade of our messes or those that belong to others, the uncertainty and the truth of what lives there can feed the hell of fear and pain, creating doubt about ourselves, and prevent the change that we hope for. In some of those moments we will try to keep our view on the favorable items that can be found around us, the flowers, while at other times we will hide the fact and the opinion that we are positive about being in the weeds and only pretending to be all right. Our attempts at having happy thoughts can help us hold on or encourage others too but in a different truth they can also leave the user feeling as if he or she is failing once again when what hurts is all that can be experienced in the midst of hell or if things don’t change despite those positive thoughts. In other words, finding good things in the darkness is an act of courage and strength but the application of bravery and power is actually strongest in our leaning in and breathing while saying that we are not or not always all right. How often do we really want the inconvenience of that real truth, though, when it feels so much better to be amongst the beauty of flowers? Take a moment and think about the times in which you didn’t feel heard. What details do you remember about those experiences? How did they feel within you back then and do you experience those same emotions today when you again feel disregarded? What, if anything, have you done to be home with those emotions even if no one else has perceived of you? Now turn around and think of the encounters where you didn’t want to hear what an individual had to say or to take the time to sit with a person that needed someone to show up for him or her. What response did you use to move away from what you didn’t desire? Did you choose to cope that way because it was an inconvenient moment, you were afraid of the darkness, you didn’t understand, you just didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have to or because of all of those things? How is what you have experienced similar as well as different from how others have encountered you? When I pass this way again, I can see that there were many moments in the yesterdays’ where I wanted Ryan to be himself as long as what that meant didn’t create problems or make me uncomfortable which was really the hidden and yet very loud message that it was better for him to be who I thought he should be rather than who he really was. That is to say that what I had wanted to be in the light was just his flowers, but transformation is about illuminating the things that we don’t want in the most inconvenient, doubt invoking and unwelcoming ways. Have you ever experienced others wanting you to be what they believe is suitable? How did that feel? In order to implement the change that we need, we have to feel safe with and have fondness for who we are, accepted in our distressing moments in the weeds, but that’s never easy to do when we are affecting others and they are influencing us. If you can imagine a place like this, then you can look around and see that change is always enfolding us while we are consistently trying to control how it occurs as well as who and what it entails because otherwise, we don’t actually want it regardless of what we say. If I could go back, I would choose to easily sit right down in those weeds with Ryan, with boxes of tissues, so that both he and I would have known that it was all right to not be fine in every moment of our journeys. I would also recognize that things like pain and fear or even doubt are really the series of movements that are leading us to discover just how possible we really are, but we have to move our field of view to find that. This is me, an “f” moment maker while also being a hold out against change until being positive about being in the weeds became a place to be home with in my so very heavell life. Take a look around at your moments and see that your application of courage and strength has you determined to believe that you don’t hold either and that they only live in the flowers when the real truths are that you do have those abilities and those things have never ever been needed nor found in the light. It’s good for you to be home in the place that needs you most so show up and sit with all that you are because it’s in that spot that you will find the particular definition of beauty that is meant to be created and held by only you. Be kind, be loud and be positive that weeds, darkness and dreaded “f” moments can feed your flowers just as much as they have been able to feed your hell. After all, you do have a way about you and so do your words. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
Our words matter as the expressions of the hidden details of how we each have come together and yet also enfolded within those particulars is often the desire to not have what can be found there, at least some of it, even though we wouldn’t be who we are without those very things. Perhaps we feel that way because the light, which seems to easily live elsewhere, appears to be more significant over there than what can be found in our own homes or maybe it’s that in order for things to become different from what already exists, we have to change and that is often a difficult and or painful process that isn’t easily applied. It is also possible, though, that our wish to be seen as a certain type of value has encouraged us to believe that if we have weeds, we are a failure even though those things are the perfect materials that, when applied with safety and fondness, create and nourish the beauty that we are each meant to develop because of them. When I pass this way again, I can see how my administration of the darkness, whether mine or others, supported walking in circles and kept my view on what seemed to be the lush fields that belonged to others. For Ryan, the manner in which he applied the weeds found on his trail meant that he believed in the significance of that darkness as a reflection of who he was and he carried that thought with him wherever he went and as the justification to lie down as well. If you can imagine either place, then you can understand that even if it seems as if we are going somewhere, our view will remain on the same things, seeking them out, and we will continue to find what we always have if the implementation of what we are carrying doesn’t transform as well. In other words, we have been going that way for so long that it is far easier to continue doing so in the safety of what we know then it is to find ourselves with the possibility of being lost and scared, unable to breathe, in an unfamiliar place where the weeds could keep us from ever getting out of them. You also have a way about you that is significant and it’s not that you don’t have courage or strength but rather that how you have been applying them is keeping you in your particular position with the belief that it is safer to be there or even that it is where you belong. Turn around because in a different truth, the things that you don’t want are the materials that help to build the specific beauty that you are meant to define. Be loud in who you are because there is no one better than you to show up to pick your weeds as well as smell your flowers, embracing both, on your journey. My word for this week is thankful because if it weren’t for both Ryan’s and my dreaded “f” moments, as well as those that belong to others along the way, I would still be in the same place believing that safe enough was all right, that the light never fades what lives in it, particularly in those other fields, and that the darkness couldn’t possibly be the illumination of the beginning of a new flower. Have the best day possible for you because you have a way about you but to see that you have to love you where you are while knowing that it is just the step before you apply the best materials needed to expand your field of view in order to go through. What word would you choose to express the most fondness for your sometime warrior who falls down, doesn’t appear to be brave and is still learning why terms and the application of what they hold matters? Oh hell, let’s grab some boxes of tissues for the moments where we cry and the ones that make us laugh until our stomachs hurt so that we can be easy on ourselves in the process of any kind of life because our rides and we ourselves will always enfold more than we wish for. Be kind to the person that you are living this life with. Love Always, Heavell
Words have multiple layers and because of that they can be confusing in how we understand and feel about them as well as what we listen to when others say what they need to say. When we think of the word move, we view it as the act of advancing towards the next destination or something better but just because we are shifting to somewhere else, focusing on going forward, it doesn’t mean that transformation lives there. In other words, the process of progress most often includes having to move back towards our weeds where the things that are staying close to us have been defined before we can understand and add on to those items in order to use them differently today. Move and change are interchangeable terms that at times are just a step on a trail but in other crucial moments the details of them enfold falling into the darkness as the painful experiences that expand our view of the things that makes us who we are whether alone, in a room full of people and or surrounded by messes. Have you ever had to transform a major part of yourself? If you did, how did it feel all the way through it? Was it effortless or multi-layered with falls backwards and steps forward? Has it remained or have you returned to what was familiar in the yesterdays because it feels so easy to do that? My first acknowledged experience with the need for change came through Ryan’s addiction but it wasn’t until I was aware that I had to move myself that the power of being safe enough became the understanding of my walking in circles for far too long. If you can imagine a place like that then you can see my movement forward while remaining the same and never actually getting anywhere. The fact and the opinion is that in the process of my transformation, it was impossible for me to advance without going back and perceiving of how I came to be in that particular place to begin with. My fear and pain had a way of being unwelcoming to real change by implying that the repeating of what was familiar was safer than finding myself in a destination where I would feel uncomfortable and lose the person that I have always known as myself. When I pass this way again I can see how Ryan felt the same way about moving away from what he had become close to. To move or to change does imply our leaving behind the things that we don’t want, in a sense to forget parts of ourselves and what we felt about them, but it’s not actually possible to do that because whatever has been will always be with us wherever we go. To transform, then, is really about adding new details to our understanding of those moments especially the dreaded “f” ones. Perhaps if Ryan and I had turned around, we would have seen that the very determination and justification we were using to keep us in those specific places of familiarity would have worked just as well in our encounters of the unknown but when we are in the midst of anything it is all but impossible to breathe let alone perceive of how our words matter as a reflection of the experiences that we are living our rides with. Your words matter because they enfold the hidden specifics of you, keeping those multiple layers close, so that you can smell your flowers or move in circles or plummet into the weeds as well as transform your pain into what propels you into the unfamiliar while holding the hands of fear and courage. Simply be kind and easy with yourself with the understanding that both of those terms are more about the development of fondness and safety in the complexity of a so very heavell life just as to move or to change is really about expanding views on the inside rather than a different destination on the outside where transformation that stays can rarely be found. I wonder, if you could choose a word that matters to you, which one would say the most? Mine would be love because it illuminates leaning in to hear in order to show up for ourselves and others particularly in the messes that have been keeping us in the same place despite the appearance of advancement. I am learning to keep that word where I can feel it as an important part of my finding forgiveness and trust for myself in all of my moments that hold regret and grief so that I can go through and do this better. Have the best day possible for you because what has been the weeds of yesterdays can still become the flowers of today or even tomorrow with the understanding of why words matter to each of us. Love Always, Heavell
Through our personal experiences and memories that are funny things, each of us have defined and placed our values on items such as safety, fondness, “flipping out” and beauty as well as where we think those things can be found. As we walk along our trails, we move towards those who agree with those beliefs in order to have trust in what we see and feel. In a different truth, though, our field of view is limited by those connections and we stay in a place of comfortableness that doesn’t encourage transformation. Is it a real truth, then, that only certain observations hold value or is it that the restriction of that thought is the results of unfamiliar and outside insights that appear to be threatening? Do our beliefs become imaginary if others don’t consent to what we feel or is it that feeling unheard implies unworthy of being perceived of which leads to our needing to confirm our view? In the story of substance use, addicts, their family and friends and law enforcement as well as others are the participants in the particular hell of addiction. In other words, they are all together in the same narrative but each group has different details that they carry as a result of their positions and experiences on that circle. As individuals each view is valid in perception and as a whole as the parts of a designated group but what’s not there is the importance of valuing every illumination in the process of change versus only connecting with some of the observations that appear to be enough to facilitate a move. A few months ago I had the opportunity to speak with a retired police officer about how our different experiences with substance use had prevented us from being together even though we had jointly been in the same story and agreed on some of the parts of it. I am, of course, the mom of an addict that is no longer here and while I hated the substances, the fear, the pain and the cost that came into our lives, my view and actions always carried my love for Ryan. After all, I had years and years of a kind of life with him that was filled with all sorts of fabulous and fun times and those moments didn’t become imaginary nor did they lose value just because he fell or others disregarded him and were focused on only his weeds. Hope lived in those things found in the yesterdays, reminders of his possibilities, which encouraged me to keep trying despite the addiction that was destroying him and us. Every day I dreamed of going back to that place where safety, comfortableness and easiness lived and I believed that if we could just get there, everything would be all right. The real truth, though, was that we couldn’t go back because change had been enfolding us all along and no matter what we had wished for, every part , even the ones we didn’t want, were coming with us wherever we went. As exasperating and scary as it was to be dealing with my son while he was using substances to cope, law enforcement regularly encounters multiples of those individuals which increases their frustration to a level that I can only understand from the perspective of being overwhelmed by one. That knowledge has similarities in how each of us experiences parts of addiction and yet it is different because of the details of our connections with the individuals living it while also enfolding the chance to understand and validate who we each are in the narrative that we find ourselves together in. There were also days during that time that I didn’t want to deal with Ryan’s addiction, regardless of my fondness and hope for him, and if I pass this this way again I can imagine a place where that happens continuously for the officers whose ride in the chaos isn’t something they want to keep experiencing. It’s in those agreed upon feelings that we often will act in ways that are not in the best interest of anyone including ourselves. Vicky, who wrote the “Gray Lines” blog for us a while back, took several officers into her son’s room to show them the beloved person that he had been and still is in his family’s life despite his addiction and death from an over-dose. She did so to move those officers from a view that appeared to justify disregarding an addict’s life even if that had not been the intent or had just been an expression of the pain and discouragement that lives in everyone, regardless of position, as a detail of substance use. As we all know, when we are in the midst of any kind of hell it is almost impossible to breathe, let alone think, and misguided moments or falls will occur in our series of movements of trying to get away from what we don’t want or even when going through. However, the longer we stay in the limited view of only what we feel and think or in a place of pain or just walking in circles, the harder it is to find understanding and to be a part of the move that we desire ensuring that change will in fact and in opinion be impossible for any of us. As difficult and as painful as Ryan’s addiction was along our journey’s, some of us have learned to value his darkness as the lessons that were leading to a field of view that held far more than just what we believed lived there. His weeds have encouraged us to get familiar with our own as essential parts of ourselves, the moments before we step, as well as to not stay in any place for so long that we forget that flowers fade when always in the light and the darkness can and will illuminate the things that need to move whether we want them to or not. Show up not just to be heard but to hear the insights that appear to be threatening because to move forward, you can’t stay in the comfortableness and safety of what you already believe or close the doors on the chaos that you don’t want. I am grateful for the tough lessons because beauty doesn’t just live in fun and fabulous people, places, moments or things and I had to be moved, sometimes kicking and screaming along the way, in order to find and understand that. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
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