When we think of epic tales, we imagine the long, adventurous and victorious journeys of heroes as they work to overcome something or someone. Those types of compositions imply that the lead characters are always strong and determined in the face of adversity. In the less obvious parts, though, there is also being scared, weakness, anger and falls as well as giving up as a portion of those stories because when we are in the midst of it, both courage and fear hold our hands but it’s the one we focus on, in any given moment, that feels so possible. In other words, our arrangement of terms, “flipping out”, feelings and beliefs determine how we view our or someone else’s narrative and often only a part of an account is considered when valuing the whole. So, let’s start here with your story where you are not actually battling mythical creatures or perhaps believing in your triumphs, but you are with each step re-defining your pain, safety and love and your skills of coping to find the unexpected beauty of you. After all, epic tales wouldn’t be told nor actually be possible if they were about perfect trails and fields of flowers rather than the history of those who are in any kind of hell and hoping to find a way through even if the odds are against them. In a life with you, you get to decide what your moments meant as you pass that way again and with each new, and enfolding moment, you can either keep repeating the view of the yesterdays while hoping that change will somehow find you or you can go somewhere else with what has been by moving your perspective to include more of you. The picture included with today’s blog has the beginning notes of the song “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” Just because those notes are in a particular order in that composition, it doesn’t mean that they can’t be rearranged, to be used differently, to create another one. In a life with you, the same thing can be said about you. Just because you have certain details that you hold, it doesn’t mean that you can’t take what’s there and use it to create something else, moving each one until you understand yourself better and can show up for all of you. That specific song was on repeat for years for me because it was easy and familiar to place things as I always had and yet I didn’t perceive that I would continue to locate the same outcome by doing so. The truth of what that song represented back then hasn’t changed even though it doesn’t hold the same meaning or presence for me today and I will always carry it with me as a part of who I was and how I am becoming who I am now. My life is an epic tale of courage and fear, of falling and defiantly throwing myself off of cliffs, of determination and laying down, of regret and grief, of “f” moments as well as the repeating of cycles for far longer than they should have been. At times it did feel as if I were attempting to slay mythical creatures, those tricky drugs, during Ryan’s substance use. It was also like closing a door to hide what was there while expecting the mess behind it to somehow rearrange itself into what I wanted and then being surprised and angry that it still looked the same when I opened the door to take a peek at it. There were and are, of course, triumphs but they have not always been in the manner that I thought nor what I wished they would be because that’s how unexpected beauty is created and then found in the darkness. Change is not just the stopping of a behavior or a choice because it’s a series of movements as a part of the process of discovering who we are in all the ways that we actually live as we learn to painfully reposition the things that we need to. I now have a better perception of why it took so long for me to embrace that unwelcoming task and the reason, which is the understanding instead of the justification, of why it seemed so impossible for Ryan as well especially in his battle with mythical creatures. That knowledge came as an unexpected beauty that was hidden in the hell of his addiction, and I am grateful for that tough lesson even though I hate the trail that took me there. In a life with you, what heaven have you located in your hell? What song has been on repeat for you, and can you now rearrange it to better express who you are in this moment? Or is it still the one that says what you need to say and if so, why? Be kind to the person that you are going through all of this with and even if no one else changes, you can move your focus so that you go from being safe enough to carrying fondness and safety for all that you are. Oh hell, just grab some tissues because the ride in a so very heavell life will make you cry as well as laugh until your stomach hurts so you might as well use all of your things to help yourself in your epic tale. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
To hope is to believe in the possibilities of ourselves but when the force of change has enfolded us, the struggles that are a part of transformation make fear feel stronger than those fleeting moments where we are optimistic about our abilities to achieve what we desire. Our wish is that we will outlast whatever it is we are fighting against, so that we may eventually find ourselves in the flowers. However, if the fight carries on and we fall repeatedly in the process, hope will step farther away from our view and disbelief will cause us to doubt that we are able to go somewhere even when we have actually moved just a little closer with each type of movement. Maybe our difficulty of understanding what it takes to change lies in the time required to fight for anything worth fighting for or it’s that overcoming something is a painful process that requires us to alter who we are or possibly it’s just the fact that we have to grapple in the weeds on our trails to begin with. Perhaps, though, the real truth is that the transformation we need has its’ own terms of an agreement, and often they feel so unbelievably unfair that we struggle with desiring it while not wanting to go through it. I am notorious for believing that there has to be an easier route to something, skipping steps along the way, while at the same time being completely aware in other moments that the details always matter. The difference between the two has been in my taking my time in what I am comfortable with versus rushing through and ignoring the things that have felt uncomfortable as well as painful. Change is intimidating but it feels so much scarier when we are brawling within ourselves as we attempt to overcome whatever has a hold on us. When we add others into the melee, things can really get complicated and definitely appear to be impossible especially when our fear or theirs is the loudest voice being heard. So, what if part of the issue is that our fighting and struggling is keeping us walking in circles regardless of the hope for a different outcome each time, we pass this way again? What if we were to take a significant look at the details of ourselves, to understand them, so that we are actually moving with what’s there rather than grappling with it or even denying it? In other words, it’s time to take a breather from the storm and to sit down with all that you are because when it comes to change, you are enough to go somewhere better with yourself rather than wishing that it will somehow just show up to embrace you. Unexpected beauty, the kind that takes time in the shade, is found in the acceptance and the honesty of you as you are right now in this moment, which includes all of your yesterdays as well as your ever-present ability to turn any of your weeds into flowers, today or in the tomorrows, through fondness and safety for yourself. Imagine then, that it’s not that we should hope for a so heavell life to be just with us but rather that we should be fair with ourselves as we live our rides sometimes well and in other moments in the weeds while always carrying what’s possible too. Change is about welcoming the person that you are becoming because of what has been and what has yet to be, but the journey to different isn’t simple nor easy. Go somewhere with yourself, other than a new location on the outside of you, and while you are there, try sharing a little kindness and forgiveness with the perfect person to enfold you. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
You know those familiar thoughts where you give value to the idea that if only you hadn’t stepped where you have or if somehow things had gone a different way, you wouldn’t be in the place that you are now and you wouldn’t be who you have become? Well, it’s time to take a breather from those kinds of views because as much as we like to focus on the beliefs that we should have or could have done this in some other manner that just might have positioned us in a field of flowers, there is much to be said about sitting down with ourselves while noticing all that exists and is possible as the results of what has been done. Any weed can still become a flower if it helps you to move your knowledge of what fondness, safety and forgiveness has meant to the ones that help you to show up for you today. In other words, be kind to the person that you are actually living your life with since your particular beauty needs more time to be understood and to bloom. What we feed will be what is strongest within us, keeping us in one place even when we change locations, until we use everything that we are, including our messes, to go through. After all, we may have fallen into the darkness in moments, but we are not failures because of those series of movements. Take a breather and have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
“We don’t live in the should haves or could haves, we live in the have dones” Taylor, M.A. L.A.C.
This so very heavell life can bring unexpected experiences into our lives that continue to cause our hearts to hurt or even cry, despite the passing of time and or the moving of locations. Those specific features of ours can have an isolating effect on us even when we are linked with others who have had similar encounters on their journeys’ or find ourselves in a room full of people. There are moments when we need to be able to say how we are feeling, to just be heard, until the ride of the pain eases and we can breathe again. At other times, we need to be given the replies that help us to not feel as if we are somehow failing ourselves and or others by experiencing our emotions as or when we do. The facts and the opinions are that in any given moment, someone somewhere is adding to what that person is already holding or plummeting into an unfamiliar darkness where pain as well as fear will take hold of his or her heart. We can absolutely feel that individual’s loss of breath through the memories of our own encounters even when our stories are completely different. We have all felt the familiarity of that hurt, and yet its’ presence is so uncomfortable and such an inconvenience that we are encouraged to deny that we have. The real truth about any kind of pain is that it doesn’t take a lot for it to become illuminated. It has the power to take the small things like a thought, a memory, a smell or even a moment that starts out with laughter that makes our stomachs hurt and fling open the door to what is hidden behind it. It can become very loud and angry when it finds agreement or even conflict with others and it can also immobilize us with its’ force because after all, it is always enfolding us in the most unwelcoming ways just like change does. It’s no wonder, then, that we would rather be amongst our flowers and to keep door closed but when we give a significant look to what can be found in the weeds, often hidden amongst them is the chance, the possibility, of the most beautiful flowers that just need the time and the belief to grow in the ways that only they can. Last week I was in the audience at a Walter Trout concert. He is a renowned blues legend with several album and song of the year awards as well as being an incredible guitarist. He is also a recovered addict who received a liver transplant in 2014 after cirrhosis of his liver from alcohol and substance use almost cost him his life. During his recovery from that donation, he suffered brain damage, was unable to recognize his own family for a period of time and had to relearn how to walk, talk and play his guitar again. Since that time, he has released an album, Battle Scars, based on his experiences and the traumas as well as the love of his wife, Marie. In 2021 he released the blues song of the year called All Out of tears, cowritten with his wife and blues artist Teeny Tucker. That song was created in honor of Teeny’s son who died and how the loss of him left her eyes with no more tears but her heart is still crying. As I listened to his music and his words during that show, I was reminded of Ryan’s addiction, the battles for his life, the traumas of those times and of course the loss of him that has left my heart still crying today even when it can’t be seen on the outside of me. Despite the differences in our stories, I imagined the places that all of them have been to and how difficult it is to breathe at those sites. From there, my thoughts turned towards the beauty of the flowers that come from the darkness in our lives when we move our views to see what else is in the weeds. Within the loss of life, for example, the opportunity exists for someone else to live through organ donation. Inside trauma and pain is the potential for the understanding and the recognition of how suffering effects not only us but others as well and how it can continue to breathe long after it has occurred or despite a change of location or as a force in our “flipping out”. Take a substantial look at what has been for you because while what’s there might hurt, but it also holds the possibility of creating the beauty that is meant to be yours; the kind that can’t be located in what’s easy. Then take a substantial look around you to see that you are never ever really alone but rather surrounded by others who, in their series of movements, are finding their way just as we each are as we go through on our own trails. Take the opportunity to listen to Walter Trout’s music, especially the song All Out of Tears. Words matter and his expressions may be the replies that help you to believe that it’s all right to not always be all right and that eventually you can change it but only in your matter of time. Have the best day possible for you by being kind and safe within you. Love Always, Heavell
The strength that is exerted upon us by our thoughts and feelings or even just the meaning of words can keep our view in a position that encourages us to believe that those things are in fact strong enough to hold us and prevent our movement. That particular force, another “f” word that is very persuading to us, is continually in motion and impacts where we comfortably set the things that we trust about ourselves especially those unsafe pieces. It’s as if the familiarity of what unwanted items such as falls and darkness have been valued as in one honesty is preventing us from realizing that in a different truth, those messes are the objects that are able to push us towards the safety and the fondness, also known as the change, that we need to find. Those very things that appear to define us in ways we hate are also the ones that when placed in a different position and viewed for all that they are, can open the door to what’s possible but a belief has kept us from realizing that we can move the location of whatever we need to. Imagine, if you will, a place in the light where only a certain type of flower grows and that field, in that moment, defines the meaning of beauty. Eventually, though, you notice another field that is shaded, and has a lot of weeds, where different kinds of flowers flourish too. You can see how those weeds help to fertilize the flowers, making them stronger, and that the shade allows them to develop in their matter of time. A loveliness lives there in the details of that location as well as in the place of a certain type of flower and both are a part of the force that moves beauty so that it is never limited to one thing nor excludes something just because it’s messy, different or requires more time and or work. Courage is another term where we have established that it only occurs in a particular kind and to have it, you can never be or never have been scared or weak and yet strength exists in many different forms that can be found in all the ways that we live any kind of life just as fear does. When we limit our views, for example, on what a word or an experience or a fall means, we ensure that we don’t have a chance at change because to transform a part, the whole has to show up and be willing to try something that might not work while perceiving that it is still an essential part of the force that is attempting to grow our fondness for ourselves and the belief in our possibilities. Could you sit down for a moment, then, and pick one term or moment and move it from where you, yourself, have been forcefully holding it and apply it here instead as a piece of your series of movements that is developing you over your matter of time? Or are you more comfortable with believing that if you keep it where it is, you will be safe enough and if so, is that what you really want or is it that you are afraid that your strength and courage, your power of how you apply what is yours to carry, will fail you? It took years for me to understand that Ryan’s addiction was the force that was pushing us to take each dreaded “f” moment and apply it here instead of keeping it where it could continue to feed the pain and impossibilities. I can still hear Ryan telling me to be “grateful for the lessons mom, especially the tough ones” and in the yesterdays that thought infuriated me because as a hold out on change, I didn’t want to or think I needed to and yet today I am so very thankful for our moments in the darkness that painfully opened doors to what really lives in the messes and how the place that we apply those items determines what continues to be. You can move whatever you need to in order to use it as what nourishes the beginning of new flowers or you can continue to apply it here, where it is now, trusting what’s comfortable and familiar even if you hate it. After all, the weight of the world, moments, words, thoughts and feelings are what matter in the place that needs us most and it takes courage and strength to keep it in the same position just as much as it does to change the understanding of them and to apply them differently. Be loud and be kind because it takes a lot of force to create the beauty that only you can and it will always be in the most unwelcoming, falling and doubt invoking ways. Have the best day possible for you and if you are scared just say so because if you move your view, you will see that it is the voice of courage even though it appears to be the one of weakness but of course that’s just another different but very real truth about the things that live and breathe in us and around us. Love Always, Heavell
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