The complication of saving an addict is knowing and understanding the factors plus feelings that got him or her to this point. That’s why personal emotional definitions play a key role. Through out all of these years, I have watched and listened to parents, addicts, outsiders, counselors, myself, my children, etc.. The reaction in facial expressions, voice tones, body language, etc. has been different for so many people even though I used the same words with each. How do you feel about drugs? How do you think I feel about drugs? If the reaction is different, depending on who you are and where you are in this game, then how can a “standard” of treatment work? Or even a “standard” of punishment?
We are different people with divergent feelings even in the same family let alone a country or world. It’s not a gender thing. We are individuals who see and feel our world while being affected and influenced by others because of their feelings and behaviors. A multitude of factors, events and traumas come together to create us. We do not see or react to these in the same manner. Not right or wrong. Different. We then link with groups that fit our view or reinforce our feelings. Just because you “survived” something does not mean someone else should, will or can and that really matters.
Have you ever had a discussion about any subject that involves disagreement and been able to resolve it with everyone feeling heard? How about coming to a resolution? Simply we usually stand on one side reacting with “I’m right and you are wrong” or we hide our feelings. We even let others tell us how we feel or have to feel. Isn’t that what drugs do for an addict? Drugs control an addict’s feelings. People do the same thing to each other even in families let alone a country or world.
If you yourself do not feel heard, then it is virtually impossible to hear an opposing view. An opposing interpretation. We do NOT understand ourselves or others. We just think we do. Feelings are not right or wrong (unless they involve any form of abuse). Ever tell someone how you were affected by his or her choice only to hear “well you do this and that”? How about if you are held accountable and or punished because of someone else’s feelings, choices, or lack of accountability? Or lack of emotional intelligence? Can you walk a full circle in order to see yourself and everyone else? How can anything, especially addiction, be solved if we can’t even agree on how we really feel about it?
Ryan’s definition of addiction was completely different than mine. He viewed it as a beautiful high that took away every ounce of pain. The rest of the problems that came with it were “an inconvenience”. My view was separate not just because I am a parent or the ex-wife of an addict. It was and is mine because I do not cope by altering my state of being…at least with illegal substances. That is not to say I have never drank or done drugs. I did when I was young. That would be another reason why I did not understand how Ryan or his dad had failed to “just knock it the bleep off”. I really thought it was that simple. It was not a problem for me but bring together a host of things and you have the perfect storm for addiction. My ex has asked me several times over the years “why I never got addicted and he did?”. My answer was “because I am a control freak”. That was my drug of choice.
“These are my thoughts and feelings as I see them. You do not have to change because of them”. Those were my opening words from a letter written on May 12, 2006 to Ryan. On the surface they are sweet and simple. I learned them at the outpatient rehab we had started with. They were reinforced at this inpatient treatment center also. The words acknowledged my feelings and his feelings. Our choices. There is, however, a lie in those words. “They are my feelings but no, you DO have to change. Now! Today! I get it but I’m not doing this. This being expressing yourself through drugs. I care that you hurt but you do not need to do this. Knock it the bleep off!”
Those words in my head were the hidden truth. By saying “you do not have to change because of them” while feeling differently meant that my actions were not gong to back up my words. Another lie from me. The green truth is I believed I only had to say the right words. Funny how alike Ryan and I really were. Funny how a lot of people talk the words but don’t walk the words. We both were speaking the chosen words and yet neither of us would be able to follow through with the actions. We did not feel those words. Same behaviors from both of us while he was home using and I was trying to stop it as they were now at rehab. I knew he needed to change. He knew I needed to change. If WE did not change together, this was not going to go well. He did not get here alone. We got here.
In an email I received a few weeks later from the coordinator at the rehab he said, “Hello. I just wanted to follow up with an email on our conference call. We processed, today, Ryan’s anger towards his mother and the blame that he places on her.” I had listened intently during that conference call and had acknowledged that I had indeed failed to do somethings in the correct manner. In my head though, I was thinking “Are you bleeping kidding me???? Anger at me??? I’m the parent who showed up at every game. Screamed the loudest to make up for the failure of your other parents. Taught you how to do almost everything! Stood up for you. What about your other parents? Why ANGER towards only me???
My defenses had me standing squarely in the “I’m right and you are wrong” plus the “well you did this!” and “they failed you more!” I was sure that my sins didn’t come close to the sins of the rest of the group. Not even close and yet he was angry at me??? So what, I am solely responsible for his drug use? Not possible because if everyone else is doing the correct job…I am not that powerful to have gotten him here just like I am not powerful enough to get him out all by myself. If only he had done what I said in the manner I said which was the correct way because I SAID!
His anger and mine would be expressed time and time again over the years but never ever was there physical abuse. If you are afraid of your addict, kick them out! No exceptions. That was and is worry free for me to say because I have never been frightened of Ryan despite his size and anger. Mistakes are made in life by everyone but abuse can not be tolerated. The same goes for an addict. If you are being abused by anyone, get out! You do not deserve that in life regardless of your mistakes. Again that is easy for me to say…living it however is not that simple.
Would it surprise anyone to know that Ashlee actually felt a similar way about me as Ryan did? She and I certainly had our conflicts. The problem was I didn’t understand or really know what was happening until they were older. I saw a video where a father said “when my kid is at his worst, he needs me to be at my best regardless of the people around me”. I failed to be at my best because of myself and the people around me. That is all on me but they paid the price for it.
When you are busy picking up the pieces, it is hard to notice anything other than what is in front of you which is the addict. If you stop and breathe, you will see lies here and there and everywhere by everyone. Addiction sheds light where there is darkness if you look beyond the easy target.
The truth is green, dreams become nightmares, souls are sold, everyone listens to the snake and bites the apple, we all live in heavell and victims can and do become…MONSTERS!
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