The reality of living with a drug addict had conflicted with my concept of living a happy life. My notion of happiness hadn’t been filled with elaborate details as it had resembled more of a cliff note book. It was a guide that had been developed in my life on what had needed to be done in order to achieve that. That cliff note book had had a limited view which left out a lot of the particulars and ultimately led to misconceptions. It had failed to teach me how to deal appropriately with adversity. The green truth had been that a pretty package always contained a pretty present. Reality had been that no matter how pretty the package had appeared, what was inside would have still been a mess if a mess had been in the package to begin with. Optimism and denial helped to keep that out of my view.
The other part of that reality was that dealing with a drug addict had not been in my parenting handbook. I had not planned for that. I had not learned how to deal with that even when my ex had walked that path. The dream that had become a nightmare had appeared out of no where because I was sure Ryan was fine. After all, I had known to show up. I had known how to work hard. I had not however recognized that emotional definitions, unknown traumas and the reactions to them had outweighed the visual of all that work. Just because it was out of sight did not mean it was out of mind. I had heard but had not listened. I had watched but had not seen. I had been asleep assuming that everyone was doing the right thing because we had appeared to be. The impression of that hard work on the surface had hidden the state of untidiness beneath in all of us. Appearances may have happy moments but ultimately they can never truly lead to happiness nor can they help solve adversity.
Time was moving quickly. I had been very busy working a new job that had required a lot of learning as well as out of the box thinking. I was moving through life doing all the things that I had believed to be necessary. I had balanced work and home life successfully but no matter what it hadn’t been the work that was needed. The normalcy of life was where I had turned because I was comfortable with it. Ultimately I had ended up rearranging the appearance of that very same package while never really opening it to deal with the mess inside. The reality was that adversity was a test that none of us could pass even if a life depended on it. The mirror had known the truth but I hadn’t wanted to.
Thanksgiving was approaching and my ex had requested that Ryan go on a trip with him to another state. Whether or not it was a good idea, a whole week without the worry of Ryan had been a much needed reprieve. He, of course, had jumped at the chance to go with his dad. I had had hope in that. Hope that if Ryan was willing to leave for a week, things must have been okay. I also had hoped that the trip was a good sign that my ex was able to step up for Ryan. It was as if I had just kept waiting for the moment that it all would have changed. We hadn’t gotten here in a moment but I was sure that’s all it would take. Just the right moment.
Ryan seemed happy when he had returned from his trip. They had hiked and seen some landmarks. There were pictures to celebrate their time together. There were smiles in those pictures and yet I had missed that his eyes had not reflected that sense of happiness I had seen on his mouth. His father had talked about all the things they had done when he returned Ryan to me. It had seemed as if we had made it through and things would be okay.
The day after his return, Ryan had requested to spend the night at a friend’s house. Part of ensuring an addict stays sober is knowing who they are with and where they are. I had agreed to it but some how I hadn’t felt right about it. We may realize that addicts lie but the green truth is assuming other’s don’t. Here a lie. There a lie. Everyone lies. Just because you think you know their friends doesn’t mean you truthfully do. Private and public personas are two very different things. Happy people don’t alter their state of being but unhappy people do, sometimes in secret. It is impossible to watch every moment and every person while living the normalcy of life.
I had told Ryan that he needed to call me in the morning. He had said he would and I had believed him. When the morning passed and there was no phone call, I was angry. He had lied and I had not wanted to deal with it or him. I had headed off to my hair appointment that was scheduled for noon. My hairdresser was running behind by 30 minutes so I had sat looking at various magazines while trying not to think about how angry I was. Discovering that things had not been alright was crushing. I had needed time to figure out what I was going to have to do. It had felt like Ryan’s addiction affected every moment of my life. Both Ryan and I were consumed with drugs but for very different reasons.
My hairdresser had only been working on my hair for a few minutes when my phone rang. She had told me to answer it and I had said no. No because it was probably Ryan and I had not wanted to talk to him. She had picked up my phone that had been on the top of my purse and handed it to me. My phone was broken and if it was not picked up the right way, it would hang up on the caller. The memory of that day, of her handing me my phone in that perfect way, plays in my mind as if it had only happened yesterday.
I answered. The number calling had been Ryan’s. I am sure my tone was unfriendly as I said hello. Someone was speaking. It wasn’t Ryan. The caller had asked me if I was Ryan’s mom. I had said, “Yes, who is this?”. He told me that they had not been able to wake Ryan up. That he had blood in his mouth and his nose. He had said that the paramedics were on their way and that I should go to the hospital. I had asked what he had done although I do not know, to this day, why I asked that. What did it even matter? The caller had said that he had drunk alcohol and then hung up. Hung up. I hadn’t even known what hospital to go to. That trauma has stayed with me just like everyone else’s stays with them because traumas can’t be unseen or unfelt. Even if they are out of sight, it does not mean they are out of mind.
Ashlee was the first person I had called. She had known where he was and was able to get to him quickly. As the paramedics worked on him, she had relayed their questions and my answers. I was in shock as I drove to the nearest hospital and as the ambulance was on its way, he coded…
The snake whispered. The green truth sucks. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. The tree fell. Everyone enables. I hate drugs. The mirror won’t leave me alone. The apple is a friend of death. Give me my poster child back now!
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