Another “f” Moment #193

There are moments as well as emotions that we have experienced from our field of view that complicates how we feel and our ability to show up for ourselves as well as others. Sometimes it’s our desire to get off of that rollercoaster that encourages us to exit before we should and occasionally it is because others want us to close the door in order to move on even when what’s there feels like the weight of the world. Our hope in doing so is that if those things can’t be seen then their voices can’t possibly be powerful enough to affect us far into the tomorrows. As with anything, though, there is no such thing as a whole being made up of only the pieces that we want nor a hell that occurs in a convenient and easy manner. So if our wish is to be able to take any kind of hurt or dreaded “f” moment and leave it behind us then we must step towards the term forgive and what it holds because we can’t forget or let go of what we don’t first find an understanding for. Locating that view is not about excusing or justifying words, actions or feelings. It’s about leaning in to hear how each of us has experienced life and then are sharing what’s there to the outside of ourselves; especially our pain. After all, we can’t change the power of anything if we don’t perceive of why it exists and how it continues to breathe even in the shadows. This week I received a letter from a young woman who I haven’t spoken to in several years who is a recovering addict. She had consistently been a part of our lives and then one day she just disappeared. I knew that she had made the choice to step away but I didn’t know where her journey had taken her. Not knowing whether someone is all right or not can feed the hell of fear but eventually that pain of mine transformed into the desire that things would be all right for her in whatever manner that meant in her life. Towards the end of her letter she stated that she hoped that I would some day be able to forgive her for how she had behaved. I had to stop and contemplate that request but not for the reason you might think. You see I have never actually forgiven anyone for his or her moments with me, not even Ryan, nor have I asked for forgiveness. Why is that and how could I move on if I haven’t? Forgiveness is defined as a pardon that we either ask for ourselves or give to another but in my different truth it’s about showing up for myself while hoping that others will eventually find their way to doing so for themselves. Understanding, which just happens to be a word that is used to define forgiveness, is the view that what we express or share is a reflection of the place that we are at on the inside, our messes, and not of what the effected person deserves. In other words if we are scared and or hurt, the loud voice of anger will say what we can’t or dare not to and our behaviors will feed the hell in ourselves and others. So being on that rollercoaster and feeling what is there, dealing with it, has always been the moment before change can occur but if we get off of it before we understand, we will walk in circles and have another and another and another dreaded “f” moment despite wanting to forget because pain will always find a way to be illuminated and to keep us weak. This young woman was being who she was at the time as a whole of fabulous and failed parts and I was also being who I was. Our details separate us but understanding allows each of us to get all right with what hasn’t been within ourselves and then use it to get stronger; to stop the cycles. I would prefer that she show up for herself because there’s a love within that that is far more powerful than any words I could say or any forgiveness that I could give. Change, then, is more likely to occur and stay if she is focused on what she needs in order to do this better for herself because it’s her experiences and feelings that have made her who she has been and depending upon what she does with them, who she will be. Do you feel that? Have the best day possible and if you haven’t already done so, this starts with “I am sorry” as the moment before you step towards forgiving yourself as the perfect person to do so in your so very heavell life. Love Always, Heavell