The enabling of addicts carries an understanding that touches only on the easily seen or visually concrete parts. We are aware that the handing of substances or money or failing to hold them accountable is a part of the facilitation that keeps addiction alive; realized or not. Located within our words and actions though is also the ability to empower addiction and the behaviors that fuel the repeating of today what has occurred in the yesterdays; whether an addict or not. Change is never easy for anyone but the real truth is that we cannot ask someone to behave differently when we ourselves continue to act and react in the same manner; perpetuating cycles while asking addicts not to repeat their own. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others holds the key to how long you will just be in hell; or are able to find the beauty that lives there. Courage walks with fear while enabling marches with denial on that very same trail; which group are you holding hands with? Breathing in brave while taking steps is a part of moving forward but adversity can and does bring the reactions of the yesterdays right back into today; regardless of the number of steps forward or even the amount of yesterdays that have passed. The familiarity that can be found in those behaviors can and does bring a sense of security for all of us; even though they are a part of what ensures that each new day will be similar to the one before. What if in a moment like this, you were to choose to face the all that has been and will be in a manner that you have never done before; even if you are scared to?
Last week I spoke with someone I have known for years. This person is a loved one of an addict who has been replaying the cycles of addiction and sobriety for as long as anyone can remember. This person said to me: “I don’t know what to do anymore. My family member is going to die and it’s destroying everyone one of us”. I could feel the pain and the desperation in those words as they were being said; they had been a familiar place for me as well. As I listened, I was transported to my yesterdays where the moments that had brought such fear still live; because they will always just be there. I thought about the cycles that had been replicated by both Ryan and myself; as if a new day would solve what was so broken the day before. One of the definitions of insanity is the repeating of an action while expecting a different outcome. A commonality that can be found amongst addicts and non-addicts is that we both persist in our well known behaviors; despite the concrete proof that shows that the same actions and reactions will bring about the same results. The real truth is that what was done in the yesterdays is a part of what has become the insanity of today; for all of us. Whether an addict or not, hurt, fear, the pain, the BLAH or even the anger cannot transform through grace into understanding without change; especially but not limited to what is on the inside of us. I have been a perpetuator of cycles and behaviors, an enabler of sorts, with the help of the apples known as justification and denial. Even today, I still have an occasional moment when I relapse into those familiar and comfortable reactions of yesterday when adversity overwhelms me; not unlike an addict. Change is never easy but if everyone behaves in a similar manner as they always have, the results will continue to be as they have been; as such, hell will never be that far away. What if in a moment like this, you were to choose to lead, yourself and others, by not following the behaviors of yesterday; even if it is a place that feels like home?
In every moment of the day, we have the ability to respond to each adversity, fear, happiness, hell, request or the BLAH with the statement of “either I can or I cannot” for ourselves; then expressing to others what we can or cannot do. When we give explanations, those justifications as well as judgements, we enable others to justify and deny their own behaviors. Personal emotional definitions make it hard to hear and understand how others feel; creating the need to defend positions that are felt in the heart of the beholder. By keeping people, places and things within what you are capable of, the can or the cannot, you have the ability to learn to take care of you; to hear you. We can lift up and or destroy ourselves as well as others through our words and actions; encouraging or discouraging the picking of weeds and the smelling of flowers. In order to help someone change or to even save his or her self, we must help ourselves to do the same thing; even if we are comfortable with the all that we are. Those familiar actions and reactions can seem like the acceptable standard but the real truth is they are a part of why we don’t know what to do when adversity arrives; making it hard to breathe, follow steps or even to stand. What if in a moment like this, you decided to become the heavell keeper of your life; believing that your not it because you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you?
To my friend and fellow loved one of an addict: The familiar is oh so painful and traumatic; it has been for years and years. You want others to change, especially your addict, but do not seem to want to adapt yourself. How’s that working for you? Today will be the same as yesterday as will tomorrow unless you save yourself first. What if in a moment like this, you tried leading instead of following? What if you just decide whether you can or cannot in all of those moment; accepting that others also have the same ability? Know that you are and have been in hell because you are the one that chains yourself there; it feels like home even if you say you hate it. It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you. Be a victim, be a monster, be both of them, be an illusion of perfection or just be the heavell keeper of your life; each has always been well within the capabilities and control of your parts. Love, Heavell.
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