What we hear depends upon what we listen to, what we see relies on what we are looking for and what we feel draws on what our own experiences are. If I were to say the words “I am sorry” what would you think that term is expressing for me? Would you perceive that it was an admission of being regretful for an “f” moment or would you think that I am acknowledging the pain of someone or would your answer depend on knowing my details? Does it matter to you, then, that the term sorry is defined first in the dictionary as being sad followed by regret as it’s 15th description? Or what about the fact and the opinion that grief is a part of being sad as well as having regret and therefore all three are connected to the term sorry through a feeling? What you hear, see and feel about just that single phrase, for example, determines where you go on the inside with it. In other words, how you hold your words is a part of the way you have been experiencing this kind of life. Over the years, Ryan and I had both articulated being sorry but what wasn’t there was the understanding that while the particulars separated us, grief was something we shared. Imagine, then, how our conversations about his drug use were discussed from our different points of view and why that made it impossible for us to connect as a group, to be united, when we were only focused on what detached us. There is a distinct difference between hearing, leaning with what others feel, and listening, which places values based upon what we feel instead. After all, when we say “I am sorry” we are acknowledging the pain that others are carrying as the weight of the world. The most important moment of change came when I stopped telling Ryan how his behaviors had affected me and started hearing how he felt mine had shaped him. The more he became comfortable with what had felt uncomfortable, the more he had to say. The more he expressed his feelings, the stronger he felt in the place that needed him most which meant the weaker his hell came to be. He was able to find his value by my hearing him rather than my telling him or reminding him of what it was or should be. I am not going to tell you it was easy, because it was not. I am not going to say that it didn’t hurt, because it did. I am not going to express that I wasn’t scared, because I was. What I will say, however, is that after his matter of time, which seemed like it took forever, he stepped into hearing all that I had to share as well and rather than fall from the grief of what he had done, he was able to rise to do this better. This is you and this is me. Sometimes we are worse but in other moments we are far better than we had hoped. Small things, like believing in how a word feels for you, can illuminate your trail so that a little more of you is able to go through. Oh hell, what a journey we are each on in the discovery of how the nothings that appear to come from nowhere are the somethings that lead to falling and walking in circles. This starts with the perfect person looking in the mirror and saying “I am sorry”. I’m just going to wait right here because I wonder how you hold your words as well as your pain. Whatever the way, together and not together, we can raise a little hell with the help of a little more of you and of course your sometime warrior.
On Monday, November 30 we will be uploading our second podcast. Our hope is that what you hear will be a part of helping you to get to know a little more of you because, after all, the strongest and the weakest you will ever be will be in how you hold your words. Have the best day possible for you. Love always, Heavell.
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