A Life With You #219

When we think of epic tales, we imagine the long, adventurous and victorious journeys of heroes as they work to overcome something or someone. Those types of compositions imply that the lead characters are always strong and determined in the face of adversity. In the less obvious parts, though, there is also being scared, weakness, anger and falls as well as giving up as a portion of those stories because when we are in the midst of it, both courage and fear hold our hands but it’s the one we focus on, in any given moment, that feels so possible. In other words, our arrangement of terms, “flipping out”, feelings and beliefs determine how we view our or someone else’s narrative and often only a part of an account is considered when valuing the whole. So, let’s start here with your story where you are not actually battling mythical creatures or perhaps believing in your triumphs, but you are with each step re-defining your pain, safety and love and your skills of coping to find the unexpected beauty of you. After all, epic tales wouldn’t be told nor actually be possible if they were about perfect trails and fields of flowers rather than the history of those who are in any kind of hell and hoping to find a way through even if the odds are against them. In a life with you, you get to decide what your moments meant as you pass that way again and with each new, and enfolding moment, you can either keep repeating the view of the yesterdays while hoping that change will somehow find you or you can go somewhere else with what has been by moving your perspective to include more of you. The picture included with today’s blog has the beginning notes of the song “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” Just because those notes are in a particular order in that composition, it doesn’t mean that they can’t be rearranged, to be used differently, to create another one. In a life with you, the same thing can be said about you. Just because you have certain details that you hold, it doesn’t mean that you can’t take what’s there and use it to create something else, moving each one until you understand yourself better and can show up for all of you. That specific song was on repeat for years for me because it was easy and familiar to place things as I always had and yet I didn’t perceive that I would continue to locate the same outcome by doing so. The truth of what that song represented back then hasn’t changed even though it doesn’t hold the same meaning or presence for me today and I will always carry it with me as a part of who I was and how I am becoming who I am now. My life is an epic tale of courage and fear, of falling and defiantly throwing myself off of cliffs, of determination and laying down, of regret and grief, of “f” moments as well as the repeating of cycles for far longer than they should have been. At times it did feel as if I were attempting to slay mythical creatures, those tricky drugs, during Ryan’s substance use. It was also like closing a door to hide what was there while expecting the mess behind it to somehow rearrange itself into what I wanted and then being surprised and angry that it still looked the same when I opened the door to take a peek at it. There were and are, of course, triumphs but they have not always been in the manner that I thought nor what I wished they would be because that’s how unexpected beauty is created and then found in the darkness. Change is not just the stopping of a behavior or a choice because it’s a series of movements as a part of the process of discovering who we are in all the ways that we actually live as we learn to painfully reposition the things that we need to. I now have a better perception of why it took so long for me to embrace that unwelcoming task and the reason, which is the understanding instead of the justification, of why it seemed so impossible for Ryan as well especially in his battle with mythical creatures. That knowledge came as an unexpected beauty that was hidden in the hell of his addiction, and I am grateful for that tough lesson even though I hate the trail that took me there. In a life with you, what heaven have you located in your hell? What song has been on repeat for you, and can you now rearrange it to better express who you are in this moment? Or is it still the one that says what you need to say and if so, why? Be kind to the person that you are going through all of this with and even if no one else changes, you can move your focus so that you go from being safe enough to carrying fondness and safety for all that you are. Oh hell, just grab some tissues because the ride in a so very heavell life will make you cry as well as laugh until your stomach hurts so you might as well use all of your things to help yourself in your epic tale. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell