A Belief #191

Coming to terms with all of the possible definitions and emotions that can be held by just a single phrase means finding what brings us together but more importantly what separates us and ultimately effects our understanding of each other. In other words, what we know about expressions has been determined by not only their designated definitions but also in how they have been experienced in whatever kind of life we have. The knowledge of those encounters lives on the inside and value that is determined from the outside doesn’t take into consideration the moments that make terms personal for each of us. Even our gray lines are a part of how we react to and use words and they can fluctuate depending on the place that we are at or the individuals we are dealing with. Trust, for instance, is a word that we think and feel represents the safe keeping of people, places and things. We use it as our guide in deciding who we have a belief in or not but if you turn around, you will see that we will count on someone even though we are aware he or she tell lies while at the same time determining that another individual is completely impossible because that person tells lies as well. We will even accept deception from ourselves in certain scenarios as long as we feel there is justification for it. Trust, in a different truth, appears to have boundaries but it is more often an open door to what can be or is a mess. What does it mean for us, then, when an individual’s actions change how we view him or her; such as in the behaviors of an addict? During Ryan’s years of substance use, my confidence in him was continually challenged, even in the moments that he was sober, because once our trust has been broken, especially repeatedly, it is very difficult to not continue to feel fear even if we are or appear to be safe. When we are in that place we need concrete things that can be easily seen, such as the steps that support sobriety, because within them is a belief, a hope, that our lost individuals are back on the trail to being reliable and or sober. What’s not there, though, is the understanding that addiction, trust, change or even words have never ever been that simple because of the things that separate us. So each time that Ryan fell, I did as well by breathing in the pain of those moments and the deception that surrounded them. I even became untrustworthy myself and I felt so very justified in being in that place. That cycle, that mess, was repeated by the both of us for years. It took a toll on my mind and my heart, effecting every part of my life, and because of that I reached a point of thinking “I can’t do this anymore” while also feeling “there’s no way I can lose him to this” I am not sure in which moment it occurred but I realized that I was correct in thinking that I could no longer do this but not in the way or for the reason you might think. I began contemplating the term trust and how it was defined by me as well as Ryan. He was, after all, working with what he had and I was using what I had. Our differences, our personal views and experiences, made it impossible for us to completely come together and by trying to have him follow a belief that I had in what that term meant, I was facilitating the very hell I wanted to go away. So I began working on trusting myself instead of expecting him to prove he was reliable. That is what I could do and it ultimately turned out to be where my power, my superpower, lived. It didn’t change things immediately but step by step and moment by moment I was able to relax and so was Ryan. He was then able to say and to hear what needed to be by having a belief in himself through what the word trust and other ones held for him. What had been impossible then became possible even when there were missteps or falls by him, myself or others. This is me, this was Ryan and somewhere in here is you as well. Take the time to find what you need from yourself in order to be all right, what you can and cannot do, because that is where your superpower breathes. Have the best day possible for you in this so very heavell life because it’s your belief that will always get you through. Love Always, Heavell.