Under The Weight #198

There is an “f” word whose meaning is easily used to describe what we think and how we feel about people, places or even things and yet when it comes to using it to define ourselves it makes us uncomfortable and voiceless. It is also a term that has the strength and the power to help us live the ride we are on but in a different truth it can appear to be weak and disappear into the shadows at the first sign of chaos. While it’s not a part of the definitions of other phrases such as brave, fear, pain or beauty, feeling it or not as an expression of ourselves is a detail in how we experience those other terms as well as many more. In our collection of things, this designation comes from the list of items that we definitely want. In the last year and a half of Ryan’s life he held on to that word and all that it meant for him. Since his death, it is a term that I am having to get comfortable with especially when I don’t want to be on this journey or the what if’s repeat in my thoughts. I am not even sure I am familiar with it as a part of my story in the yesterdays but I am learning that it is a superpower in the art of living a so very heavell life today. Being aware of that reminds me of how in the beginning of Ryan’s substance use I kept trying to hand him this word to help remind him of his self worth but as we know when we are in the midst of hell or under the weight it’s quiet vocalization gets drowned out by the loudness of what hurts. Now here I am waiting on myself to breathe in the very same thing rather than focusing on the “f” moments that didn’t go as I had hoped or that he’s gone or that persistent desire to just have what’s easy. In that expanded view that he helped me to see, I can also understand how difficult it was for Ryan to find what had been lost and then forgotten as well as why it couldn’t be handed to him from the outside; not even by me as his mother. Because the value of anything decided by someone else or that hoped for forgiveness from the outside will only carry us so far before our pain will cause us to once again fall in all sorts of ways, this “f” word that is an illusive belief of ourselves is what we need to lean in to especially when we are not all right. This term makes eventually showing up for ourselves a possibility no matter how long we have been walking in circles and laughing until our stomachs hurt in the fabulous moments the perfect celebration of our kind of lives. It can’t be real, also known as supportive, though if we only remember it and say it when it’s easy to do so or only as a designation for others. I have a phrase that I frequently share where I say “If they can’t take you when you are not beautiful, then they don’t get to have you when you are” Funny thing is I never realized that my expression wasn’t just meant for the outside as a gray line until I began thinking about what love for myself really entails. In other words, we may need to turn away from the some who can’t or won’t but we should always be a part of the some who will because exiting ourselves has never been in our best interest nor does it ever lead to the things that we hope for like what that particular word holds. Oh hell, I am sorry that the weeds became a belief for far too long and thank you for reminding me to open the doors to my messes with fondness. Have the best day possible for you with the help of a small thing like kindness especially when under the weight. Love or Fondness Always, Heavell