The Best Day #176

One of the most important and strongest terms that can be found in the words that we say is the expression “choice’. It is one that not only implies we always have options but also that we are either courageous or weak based upon the decisions that we make. It is a term that holds hope and truth while helping to encourage our accountability in everything that we do, say and feel but the appearance of it usually occurs only in the most obvious, messy moments and parts or for others rather than ourselves. At times that word is able to lift up but more often than not, in a different truth, it destroys through the implications of yet another “f” moment; and not a fabulous one at that. Each of us have, in any given moment, choices and yet we usually repeat what we know again and again whether we are the same or different, an addict or not. Why is that? In the shadows of the word “choice” are the unknown and unseen influences of coping, cycles, feelings, failings, strengths, weaknesses and of course mental health that can make options impossible despite any opinions and or facts for that matter. I, for instance, encountered many people who felt strongly that I should have turned away from Ryan when he became addict and by not doing so, I was weak. Their words and actions, however, were a reflection of what they were capable of or willing to do rather than the real truth of or for me. In other words, their option was not “the right choice” for me then nor would it be today. Within what I chose, though, were moments of missteps in which I did turn away for my matter of time or repeated cycles that I should not have as well as carrying lots of doubt and fear but with each fall that I took, I eventually got up and tried again. Those days seemed the same while also being different depending upon what I encountered on the inside, courage or fear, and the support or lack of from the outside: just like what addicts experience. What have you chained to the word “choice”? Do you feel it as a reflection of your possibilities or does it feed the hell that is already loud within you? How about when others say you should have “chosen another option”? Despite any similarities that Ryan and I had, our individual reactions to the opinions and facts that he should not have chosen to use substances were completely different. That repeated statement about “choice” was a continual reminder for him that he had failed but then those views seen from the outside of someone’s hell are always far easier than what can actually be found on the inside where it is very loud and painful. Let’s start here with that word “choice” and recognize that all along we have had the ability to decide to stop repeating a cycle in which an expression has always held the different truth of enabling, also known as facilitating or feeding, the hell despite anyone’s intentions otherwise. What is in the words that you say? Do those particulars help you to lean in to hear others? Do you know if you are actually facilitating someone to have the best day possible, to hold on, or another fall through them? What do you need from yourself as well as others to have the best day possible for you? Are you saying it so it can be heard? A “choice” is never simple nor easy but rather a complicated place to be because of those cycles, coping skills, fear, the disease of addiction, mental health problems, messes, traumas or just the plain old BLAH for every single one of us. This is me and today I feel strong but in just a moment I could lose my way when that all that has been gets loud because sometimes the best choice, for me, is to lean in to the pain even when others do not agree with that option. Ryan was like this as well when he was an addict, before he ever became one and when he was sober. How about you, is this you as well? Well we might as well be who we are because the best day possible is the kind of day where we choose to be ourselves; otherwise known as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who are together and not together. After all in a life that is so very heavell, we have the option to raise a little hell by not agreeing with the “choices” of others but by understanding how they came to be through small things and the weight of the world. Have the best day possible for you while you get comfortable with what you are carrying because it’s those things that can become a superpower if you view a fall as the moment before a step regardless of the time it takes. Be kind, be loud and always remember there is a love that will continue on even when we are in hell. Love Always, Heavell.