This Is LIFE #174

There is a feeling that can be found in all of us that is powerful enough to turn anyone into a victim or a monster and immobilize even those who normally are not hesitant. It speaks loudly in our hearts and minds whether we are repeating cycles or attempting to move into a place that we have never been before and it can cause us to step backwards. It encourages us to believe in being impossible by reminding us of our weaknesses and pain and that tomorrow can hurt just as today has. It keeps our “f” moments, not the fun ones, close so that our view of them is always present even in the times where we feel we are all right. It can be found in the form of anger, anxiety, the use of substances, words, falls or even in what is known as the BLAH. It can be invisible even while being in front of us whether on the inside or the outside. No matter how many steps we take, it will remind us that we have fallen at some point in the yesterdays and thus are likely to do so again in the next or the next moment. It makes breathing seem challenging even though we actually do so in every moment no matter what kind it turns out to be. It takes our hope of overcoming and transforming the things that need to change and places that wish on a rollercoaster. It even has the ability to break our hearts again and again and can leave us feeling alone in a room full of people. That feeling has no boundaries and loves being shared with others. It can even make a strength appear to be a weakness and a weakness seem as if it is a strength. It is always close by being comfortable with our uncomfortableness. There have been two moments in my life that have held the greatest fear that I have ever known and while the intensity may have ebbed and flowed, that feeling was felt long after the specific moments had passed. The first was when I realized that Ryan was addicted to drugs and the lonely and painful place that had welcomed him. The second, and the hardest one of all of course, was when I knew his life was ending. In what moment have you felt the most lost, also known as fear, and in which one has hope kept you holding on despite feeling as if you are unable to breathe? What do your words carry from those moments? This is LIFE and this is the strongest and the weakest that you are in any kind of moment through your feelings and words. This is also me with mine as well as everyone else for exactly our own matter of time. We, together and not together, do this well but in other ones we also do this worse because of our fear. We can continue to misunderstand the illumination of what needs to change as being a reflection that we are weak as we continue to feed the hell or we can view how possible we really are because of what has already been and felt. After all, we might as well be who we are because we have never been someone other than the beholder of our own kind of beauty and hell for that matter. So what if it hurts? Just as we need to lean in to hear and get comfortable with what has been uncomfortable, we also have to remember what is all right even when they only exist in small things. Turn around and look in the mirror because while you will see the weeds, your flowers are the moments that your beauty stepped forward because it is possible for you to do so. One of the best lines I have ever heard was from an addict who referred to himself as a “former professional drinker” His story is an acknowledgement of the pain and what didn’t serve him well but it is also a different truth in that he was, is and always will be more than just addict; just like you. In my story, I am an “f” moment maker from the fabulous ones right down to the repeated fallen times. I am neither one or the other because I am a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person in a so very heavell place known as this is LIFE. While your particulars may be different, the real truth is that we are all scared, have hope and express all of it in ways that we shouldn’t for far too long. I am going to wait right here for you because, who knows, maybe you can help me when I am feeding the hell or if I need to be reminded that this starts with saying “I am sorry” to the very person, otherwise known as me, that I am going through all of it with. Oh hell, it just might be the kind of day where we can feel fear but know we are also holding the hand of courage as we step and fall amongst our weeds and flowers and use boxes of tissues when we laugh until our stomachs hurt instead of our hearts. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.