What A Journey #165

In a life that is so very heavell, it is not just the personal emotional definitions of words that create conflict but also the when, where and how long our reactions to what can be found there effects us. Grief, just like addiction, can seemingly appear out of no where even when we think we are all right or at the very least hope we are. When that happens, we can feel as if we are on a rollercoaster that we cannot get off of and the power of those emotions can leave us feeling weak and fearful. They can also convince the place that needs us most that this trail and we ourselves are impossible as it feeds the hell of whatever our stories are. That adversity is further exasperated when others do not or cannot understand why we are in that place again and thus attempt to control it. There are many moments that I am able to laugh until my stomach hurts because it can be that kind of day with people who find beauty wherever they are. There are also, however, many in which there are triggers that remind me of what has been lost to me and those times can hurt as much as the very first day that Ryan was no longer in this world. When that something that appears to come from nowhere takes over, I am a mess. Unfortunately what can also be found there is the uncomfortableness of others when I do fall. I have realized that their reactions are familiar to me as their view is exactly the same as the one they shared during the years of Ryan’s addiction. There is a cycle there that at first glance appears to be a part of the solution but in fact and opinion is actually a piece of the problem. It is the continuation of a pattern, like a rollercoaster, that does not just belong to addiction or grief. While we may have heavenly expectations, the real truth is that we are all perfectly, irritatingly messy people in different and similar ways. The value of the anything and the everything can only come from the heart of the beholder if we want change to occur in the place that needs that individual most to do so. There is, after all, quite a bit of room within each of us for the details of our own words to lift us up, keep us walking in circles and to create messes without the outside attempting to control how we carry it or feel it. What a journey this has been for me and for you as well as Ryan and all the other dreams that are no longer here. It has been one that holds grief, also known as pain, anger and fear, by the hand and at times makes it hard to breathe even when we do feel brave. If you are going to do what I say, then get ready for the fall because it is actually a part of the solution in getting to know all of the I’m possible that you are actually capable of. In other words, beauty, messes, grief, understanding and even addiction are not defined by one person, place or thing but are rather a variety of places to go through and feel with your own expressions and experiences. Oh hell, what a journey we are each on and with the help of our flowers and those weeds, also known as the dreaded “f” moments, we are the sometime warriors who carry the weight of the world for all to see. I am going to lean in to hear my grief because hiding or denying it will only make it stronger but I am also not going to become it as I have always been so much more than what can be found there. Be kind but be loud in the words that you say as you lean in to hear your story while holding a box of tissues for the moments that hurt as well as the ones that make you laugh. You can, of course, continue to go that way in which case tomorrow just might be the better day to turn around to look into the mirror to see what a journey like yours has created. Whatever you do though, make sure you show up for yourself by also saying the words “I am sorry that you are here. How can I help?”