Whether an addict or not, we breathe into our hearts the things that are not always ours to carry. By doing so, we are then preoccupied with the anything and the everything that has been; preventing ourselves from seeing the view beyond what is in front of us. We have always been so much more than what has happened but it is what we do with the hell, the pain, that holds how and when we go through. In your matter of time, discover what is in your words that you say to yourself; as well as to others. If you react in anger, this is you expressing hurt or fear; even when that pain is from the yesterdays. If you cope through people, places, things or substances, whether an addict or not, this is you looking outside of yourself for relief. If you carry what is not yours to have and to hold, this is you falling or walking in circles when you shouldn’t. If you breathe in brave when you are hurting, this is you believing that you, in the end, will be all right in the moments that are not all right. If you only view a part or moment or feeling, this is you neglecting to treat yourself and others as a whole. If you believe in illusions of perfection, this is you failing to deal with the heaven and the hell equally; in yourself and or others. What if you were to realize that all of your yesterdays, parts and especially the “f” moments are what make you the perfect person to go through on your trail today; and not anyone else? Hell will always be close by because this is you, an essential part, in a life that has always been so very heavell; despite our heavenly expectations. Here’s to you and to me, at times a mess, that are powerful in our words while lifting up and or destroying as sometime warriors along the trail. I am holding on as the mirror continues to show me “this is you”; and it’s not just about the people, places, things, moments, parts or the BLAH that I haven’t handled well.
Take a moment and think about when someone, whether known or unknown to you, acted or reacted to you in a manner that you did not expect. How did it feel? What did you breathe into your heart from that? Over the years, there have been many moments involving others that have surprised, hurt or angered me. At times I have handled them well but there have also been many that I did not; especially in the yesterdays. Those “f” moments happened most often when I was at my loudest; as a reflection of what was in need of being dealt with on the inside of me. It is always easier to deal with others, as well as ourselves, when life is all right; as opposed to bringing hell. The other day I was getting a Starbuck’s drink from one of my favorite baristas. He knows about Ryan’s death and always takes the time to ask me how I am coping; even if weeks have passed since he last saw me. I told him that I am still working through some anger that needs to be transformed into understanding; in regards to the behaviors of others during Ryan’s illness and since his death. He reminded me that I am able to see that they are conveying the place that they are at. He then said “This is you, a person who is able to do this better today than you did yesterday” Can I tell you how much I hated and loved those words? Sometimes I do just want or need to be in my little boxes of feelings. I will eventually go through here and there as only I can while finding the understanding on the inside; where I am the perfect person to do so. Despite the hell, though, there is beauty that can be found wherever I am. People known and unknown have been sharing their view and understanding; lifting the weight of the world for me. There is a reason why our sometime warriors are not always the only ones we need. This is you helping me to stand in my hell and this is me reminding you that you have always been so much more.
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