We tend to focus on the things, the parts and the moments that we don’t like on the inside and the outside of us; not wanting them to be seen or to deal with them. Being so aware of the anything and the everything that we view as a piece of the hell, though, keeps us in the place where we walk in circles. We then breath those things into our hearts as the definers of who or what we are; whether we should or not. What would be in the words that you use to describe yourself? Are you equally aware of your heaven as you have been of your hell; or vice versa? We have it all but it has never ever been that easy to see both nor to feel both; especially when we are consumed by just one. The strength of any part, moment, person or even the BLAH is found in what we center our attention upon; and the matter of time that we stay there. Every moment is the perfect moment, no matter what it is, to be and to bring heavell; finding the balance so that if we fall, our sometime warriors will eventually lift us up. Change is possible when we seek the beauty that can be found no matter where we are; but especially in the hell. It provides a different perspective of the things that hold our pain; minimizing the power of it. You will stay, however, in that place as a matter of your time until you are ready to go through. I will wait right here in this perfect moment while you look in the mirror; and find the beauty that only you can locate. Are you ready? How about now?
For years, I wanted out of the hell of Ryan’s addiction. There had been so many moments in which I had not known what to do and ones where I didn’t do what I should have; not unlike an addict. The denial of being in that place on the trail starts in the beginning but it also comes from the shadows in many other moments along the way; whether an addict or not. Both Ryan and I used the apple known as denial in order to avoid dealing with the things that we didn’t want to. Admitting the truth would have meant acknowledging the parts of ourselves that we did not want to cope with; ignoring it made it seem as if it wasn’t as powerful as it really was. I had been waiting for the perfect moment when Ryan would just stop using substances; finding the understanding that he didn’t need them. As I look back on all those years, it was a culmination of many steps and falls for both of us that led to his sobriety; just as it had been to fall into the hell of addiction in the first place. I can say that I hated the addiction when it started, as well as in the middle, but I can also convey that each of us is better because of the hell. The heaven of that painful time was learning to love, hate, accept or change every part of ourselves; but never to deny any of them. Every moment had been the perfect moment to discover and to share what we saw and felt; although it was not easy to understand that while we were in it. Be amazed at what it has taken to cause you to fall; because it has never ever been that simple of a thing to do. Be loud in the all of you as you are a whole circle of heavell; and not just a part or some parts or even an illusion. Here’s to the hope that in your matter of time you will see and feel differently as you step and fall along your trail. So what if you have “f” moments? You are you and I am me and that is how we find the all of ourselves; both the heaven and the hell of us. Take the time to laugh until your stomach hurts and to say “I am sorry” to yourself. It’s going to be all right because this moment and the next and the next are the perfect moments to fall and to stand and to just understand you.
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