Differences can be found in what we each view as being difficult, painful or even traumatic in a life that is so very heavell; also known as a nightmare, the BLAH or the hell. It can also be said that there are contrasts in what each of us feels is a dream or happiness or even freeing; also described as being beauty, perfection or the heaven. Even my words that reference “the “f” moments” in life elicits contradictory thoughts and feelings as felt in the heart of each beholder; the failure times versus the fantastic ones. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What have you chained to their meanings; from the all that has been in your life? Another aspect, or part, of our perception of how we feel about words, when we hear or say them, is affected and influenced by the place that we are in; at the time. As it pertains to substance abuse, whether an addict or not, that position on the trail will be different in the beginning than it is in the end; no matter the duration of the middle nor the falls in between. I can still vividly remember Ryan’s perception about the substances he used; that changed from start to finish. I can also clearly see the look of peace on Ryan’s face during his sobriety; that had been lost when this all began. Our personal emotional definitions and our place affect the anything and the everything of ourselves; helping us to step, fall or walk in circles. How can we know what to do or how to be when we are in a place that no one ever aspires to fall into? Or is often different from start to end; for each of us despite any similarities? Or can leave you feeling alone in a room full of people; or alone in a whole that is full of parts? Things are not always what they appear to be nor as simple as some would believe based upon their emotional definitions; just as I discovered through my children as well as the hell. A view from the outside does not provide the perception of the all that can be found on the inside. Without knowing what words mean to ourselves and to others, it can be hard to transfer pain into the understanding of what feels difficult or is beauty; or to see the value in each essential perspective. What if you were to start by seeing the whole of you; treating every part, feeling and word equally? We are each the beholders of what it feels to live a life that is so very heavell; found in a step, a fall, a trauma, a laugh, a moment, an apology, a hug or even the BLAH. We have always been so much more than just the difficulties that we find along our trails; or the illusions of perfection that surround us. After all, this is you and this is me with a little bit of heaven on the inside; even in what appears to be only hell.
Over the past five months since Ryan died, several people have told me that they just don’t know what to say to me. My response has always been that it’s okay because I haven’t known what to say to myself either. Taylor, who is a student counselor in training, has stated that at times she has found herself at a loss for words; while counseling others who are living what she is also trying to cope with. Our similarities and our differences, as well as those personal emotional definitions, can make it hard to breathe through what each of us must go through ourselves; no matter what we or others think or know. I recently became aware that an individual has been implying to others, those who know me and those who don’t, that I am not doing well; a result of Ryan’s death. What do others think about how you are handling the process of addiction and sobriety; whether an addict or not? How do you feel about all of it? Have you been in this place, whatever that is, before? For me, it wouldn’t matter if I had known this hell previously or not; because each person, moment, step, fall or tears and laughter are different. Ryan will always just be an irreplaceable part of me; as well as for his sisters. I am sure that our moments express that; especially when we are triggered. Does that mean we are not handling this well? Recovery, whether as an addict or someone who has lost a loved one, takes a matter of time. It’s easy enough to have judgement on what should be done, felt or the time frame that it should occur in but the real truth is that it will happen when each of us gets there; regardless of others. The same can also be said about Ryan and his process to find and hold his sobriety; he did it in his time frame despite what we may have wanted or not. As you are, you are the only one who can go through and find what it will take for you to be all right; even if there is a part that won’t ever be. Here’s to your words that give a voice to each of your little boxes of feelings. Just be you because you have always been a little piece of heaven; even as the perfect person to bring hell. I will just wait right here while you take your matter of time.
Ryan’s favorite superhero was superman. While on the NAMI walk in New Orleans, Ashlee saw the emblem on the ground. We see it as a sign that Ryan was there with her; and the rest of Ryan’s squad. Every day is the best day, from start to finish, to be kind to yourself; as a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person. Please hold on while your sometime warrior takes the hands of courage and fear. May your “f” moments be filled with every definition that you can think of; teaching you what needs to be dealt with while making you laugh until your stomach hurts. Be loud and be amazed as only you can be; as an essential part of the circle of heavell.
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