One of the most challenging parts of addiction is in remembering who you are as a circle of heavell instead of just being that perfect person to be and to bring hell; for yourself as well as others. What words do you feel best describe you today? What about in the yesterdays? Do they contain the heaven as well as the hell of you? The moments, the traumas and even the BLAH are a part of what makes each of us who we are; the only ones. They bring the lessons that we can learn from in order to be lifted up; rather than to be destroyed by the “f” moments that can be found within all of us. What has been done cannot be undone but we can understand those things as being a part of our creation; after all sometime warriors and superpowers have never been needed in heaven. I am me and you are you while each of us is doing and not doing what we should or shouldn’t in any given moment; as circles of heavell. You may feel justified in seeing and feeling your hell but remember you have always been so much more than that; it’s alright that you have forgotten who you are. Can you accept and love yourself as a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person; even though that has never ever been an easy thing to do? Please hold on as you take this one moment, part, breath, step and fall at a time; whether an addict or not. Here’s to the yesterdays, to today and to the tomorrows that bring all of you; and nothing less.
During Ryan’s substance abuse, over the course of many years, he often had excuses for his behaviors; feeling justified in what he did because of the all that had been in his life. As his sobriety grew through walking in circles, steps and falls, his attempts to deflect his responsibility for his part transformed into an understanding of the hell that he had brought. The green truth is that each of us has our reasons for the anything and the everything that has been said or done or not. The real truth, though, is that those explanations hold the understanding of the how, the why and the what that came to be on the inside of each of us. They are the perspectives that can be seen from our position; sharing them through behaviors and words. Ryan would often tell me “You know mom, I never meant to do those things.” He had been a completely different person while using substances; just as I was in my attempts to stop it. He was in part an addict, at times the loudest voice within him, but he was also so much more than that; just like you. I am me and you are you and Ryan was who he was unless words, behaviors and substances are used to keep us chained in hell; through ourselves and or others. Sometime warriors who have superpowers that also fall down can only be found in a place that challenges all of us to do this better; on the inside as well as the outside. Beauty lives and breathes no matter where we are but seeing it requires being the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part; but never to deny any of them. Here’s to the all of you and nothing less as the heavell keeper of your life; to have and to hold whether you want it or not.
It has been almost 4 months since Ryan died. I never know when or how or what will trigger me; appearing out of no where at times. No one, even if someone else has been here, can do this for me; just like you. The challenge for me is to find the understanding, the beauty, that is hidden in the shadows in this place; just like you. I will step and fall while walking in circles on this trail in hell; just like you. I am scared as well as brave; just like you. I will bring the all of me and nothing less; just like you. So what? You shouldn’t be here nor should I but then life has always been so very heavell; just like us.
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