“You can’t talk someone out of being crazy if he or she feels crazy in the moment.” No truer statement has been said by Ryan, or anyone else for that matter, especially as it pertains to substance abuse; and or fear. When addicts are using a substance or in need of more, the fear of not having it can drive them to do, say or be things that they would not necessarily participate in; just as non-addicts will engage in whatever in trying to prevent or end the use of substances by their loved one. In this past week, a dear friend found herself in the position of having to choose to kick out a family member; due to the discovery of his or her use of meth. That addict feels as if he or she has been abandoned by the family. “So what if I am, it didn’t matter when you didn’t know; either way it’s your fault not mine.” That family, in turn, has described experiencing being deserted by the addict through the use of drugs; as well as the lie(s) and manipulations that occurred while doing so. The emotional definitions of the same word(s), lie in the heart of each individual; as created from their position as well as the experiences of his or her moments. Life has always been more than just words despite our understanding of the definitions of them; because while we all comprehend them, we don’t feel or apply them in our hearts and our lives in the same way. In his or her state, that addict is unable to see that the family is entitled to use the same word, for a different reason, from another position on the circle of heavell; just as he or she is entitled to use it from his or hers. The value of words belongs to each of us; whether we understand and or agree or not with the use of them by others. The justifications of people, places, things, behaviors, choices, feelings, substances and even the BLAH can always be found. They then encourage only seeing the green truths that we need in order to hold on to all that has been and felt; walking in circles rather than stepping forward. What came first: being forsaken, the pain, the substance abuse or the justification? As you are, you are justified in your feelings but not necessarily in how you are dealing with them; especially if it is or has been detrimental to you and or to others. Ryan felt, within his heart, that he had just cause to use substances as does this addict; the power of those feelings, the hell, grows in articulation when they are denied or hidden. But just as addicts have their validations, so do non-addicts in their feelings of what they can or cannot do as it pertains to the addict; as well as the abuses of substances. What is in the words or actions that you express to yourself ; as well as to others? Will they lift you up or feed the hell from the inside to the outside? What if in a moment like this, you were to find the value of you in being a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person; a work in progress? After all, superpowers and sometime warriors have never been needed in heaven; nor in the appearance of it.
I was in Kansas City this past weekend, with Taylor and Ashlee, to attend a beautiful memorial that Ryan’s father held for him. I have not been there in years nor seen most of that side of the family in a long time either. The hell of it was that it was Ryan’s death that brought me to a place from my yesterdays. The heaven of it was in being with my daughters; as well as this family who had their own memories of him. Ryan’s four sisters and brother, his dad, myself and his former stepmother went to dinner together later that night. We were talking and laughing on the patio of the restaurant as we waited for our dinners when a loud crash startled us. A driver had slammed into our parked rental car on the street; and was trying to drive away from the wreck against oncoming traffic. Fortunately two officers saw the man leaving the scene and were able to pull him over; once stopped he attempted to flee from his vehicle as well. That driver was impaired and was arrested for a DUI. As Ashlee stood on the street dealing with the police, the witnesses, the rental car agency and the insurance company, her dad and I remained with her for support. The three of us missed out on the time we had hoped to have with the others and they with us; as well as a great meal. We were not in the car but we could have been getting in or out of it. Or the driver could have hit the vehicle parked in front of us; as the owner walked to it to retrieve items from it. I have no idea if that man is a non-addict who had an “f” moment or if he is an addict who had one. What I do know is that night a person in an altered state effected not only himself but us as well; something that happens every day to so many people. It is possible to feel fear from the realization that while no one was hurt, someone could have been killed; even though only a car was totaled. It is also perceivable to transfer that feeling of fear into anger or even outrage as the result of that behavior; whether an addict or not. But within it is also the feasibility to feel all of that and then transfer those emotions into the understanding that the driver was expressing what is on the inside of him; a view of the mess within that is in need of being dealt with. The accident was an inconvenience but it was also a reminder that while our addict son, brother, uncle, grandson and friend is no longer here, there are still so many more that are; because every dream matters whether here or not.
To our Colorado and Kansas City families: Thank you for welcoming us into your homes and hearts; as well as for the memories, the support and even the tears. Find what you love, always learn, be loud, laugh until your stomach and cheeks hurt, and always be amazed at the amount of work and creativity that has gone into the creation of you. Just be you; perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. See you in the tomorrows!
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