What is your emotional definition of the phrase “I am sorry”? What do they express of you and to you? They are three of the hardest words to say to ourselves as well as to others; because within them is a vulnerability that none us really want to feel or a position to be seen in. They are most often associated with an admission of guilt; whether an addict or not. Rather than being an indication of wrong doing though, those words are the acknowledgement that someone is or was hurt; as felt in the heart of the beholder through his or her emotional definitions. That phrase contains some of the most powerful words in the world; able to fed the hell and or the heaven. There are times when we do things that are not intended to harm others but the results is that they do bring pain; they are not personal even if they feel like they are. There can also be moments in which things are done intentionally as a conscious choice to harm; but the truth lies in what is “normal” for the person who does it. Pain, also known as anger, fear and hurt, feeds the feeling that addiction, as well as the anything and the everything that is involved with it, is personal. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside as an indication of what is in need of being seen; and also dealt with. When I look back on the years of Ryan’s addiction, I mistook his behaviors as being personal; conscious of how they affected me rather than what he was conveying through them. He, in turn, took my actions as being a statement that people, places, things or myself meant more than he did. I had felt that he was choosing drugs over me; because betrayal is another part of feeling hurt on the inside from the moments that happen on the outside of ourselves. At times we do not intend for there to be harm while at other times we actually choose to create suffering. If the results are that someone was or is hurt, especially if that was not the objective, it should be easy enough to say I am sorry; but it has never been that simple. It is possible to acknowledge the feelings of others even if we cannot undo what has been done; or will be done. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? How about your actions and reactions? Is your intent to harm or are you unaware that you are capable of lifting up and or destroying; yourself as well as others? I am sorry that you are here in this place; whether an addict or not. We, however, cannot transfer anger into understanding unless we find the value of those three powerful words on the inside as well as the outside of ourselves; and the anything and the everything that is a part of them.
In the past year of Ryan’s life, but especially in the last few months, he had used the words “I am sorry” frequently with me. He had shared many of the moments that had destroyed him in the prior years but the yesterdays of this past year contained solely his regrets for his behaviors and words; for having lost his way on the trail in heavell. When we are able to give a voice to the pain, it is easier to find the understanding of the full circle of heavell that we each are; although hearing the suffering, even with the use of the apples known judgement and denial, is never easy. Those three powerful words have the capacity to help each of us find the beauty no matter where we are; but especially when we are in hell. Another part of Ryan’s sobriety occurred through the vulnerability of seeing how he had affected himself as well as others; the real truth found in the mirror. In order for him to do that, I had to listen to his perspective of all that had been for him; while not breathing his words into my heart. He had always been so much more than just an addict; regardless of the strength of those moments of substance abuse. The power of the pain, or the hell, is fed when people feel unheard and devalued: on the inside as well as the outside. Both Ryan and I, as well as many others, failed to treat the heaven and the hell in him equally; leading to the rise of the hell. He had believed that he was in that place long before he turned to substance abuse to silence his little boxes of feelings. The perception of the moments had been determined by Ryan and as such carried the weight of the world for him; regardless of the opinions of others and or their value of them. In order to solve a problem, a trauma, the pain, the BLAH or even addiction, the heaven and the hell are both a necessity on the circle of heavell; because they exist together. By finding his voice, those moments no longer had the strength to destroy him; finding within him the mercy for all that had been. He realized that, whether those moments had been personal or not, they had been a reflection of what was on the inside of others; and not an expression of what he deserved. Addiction brings a hell that no one aspires to have or to hold but within it are the super powers that belong to sometime warriors who stand and fall; whether an addict or not. As you are, you are the perfect person to be and bring heavell; even if you appear to be or believe that you are solely one or just the other. What if in a moment like this, you chose to breathe in brave and say “I am sorry” to yourself; for being in the place that you are? For failing to treat the heaven and the hell equally on the inside of you; as well as on the outside? I’m not it because if I were, my feelings would be all that you need in order to love, hate, accept or change every part of you; but then you wouldn’t be you. I am sorry but a part or some parts can never equal a whole; except in the green truth. It matters not, though, what I say but what you do with the knowledge of you; whether you are an addict or not. Hold on to all of you because you are better together than you have been or could ever be as a part; or even just some parts.
To Molly: Thank you for taking Ryan with you and your friend on your trek up Mount La Plata in Colorado; as well as the photo of you holding his picture at the top of that mountain. He loved hiking so it is amazing that you honored your brother by conquering your first 14,000 summit. Wherever you go, he will go, as you carry him with you into the tomorrows. Thank you for sharing a special moment in your life with him; as well as us.
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